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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Different libidos

43 replies

Happyperson123 · 12/10/2013 17:22

Hi,

I don't really know how to begin.

I've been married for 25 years with 1 daughter (now 16).

My husband is hard working and committed to both of us BUT I'm so tired of being woken every morning at 6am with him trying it on and going to bed at night with the same.

I go to bed at night and dread it because I know he'll be wanting sex. In the end I usually end up masturbating him - just to get it over with and for the sake of a good nights sleep as he still tries it on no matter how many times I tell him I'm not in the mood.

Same in the morning. We haven't had full sex for about a month - because basically I feel like I've had sex twice a day for what seems like an eternity.

This morning he told me I had to 'get my priorities sorted'. By that he meant that I had better start being more willing in the bedroom.

In other areas he's great - I trust that he will do what's best for us and heaven help anyone who would be disrespectful to us.

BUT this is causing a wedge between us - and I mean HUGE. I'm so completely knackered with it all that I'm just about ready to run off and stay in a crummy bedsit on my own.

Has anyone else ever been in this situation.

Do you think I'm being selfish (I've actually tried to feel sexy, suggested we go to counselling (he says it's me that needs it - not him) - or do you think there's any way I can get through to him that I can't cope with it anymore.

I'm so tired and feel really weepy about the whole thing.

Sorry for the rant - but any suggestions would be welcome.

Thanks.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 18:53

If he sees 'feminist' as a derogatory term it tells you all you need to know about where he sees women in the food chain... Stay angry and good luck

Rules · 12/10/2013 19:44

Has he always been like this or is it a new thing.

CarlaBrooni · 12/10/2013 19:52

So. This is your first post here Happyperson123 ???

Original poster

Happyperson123 · 12/10/2013 20:03

Hi - Rules - I was thinking and truthfully it probably started about 6 years ago but it's gradually got worse. I don't know if it's that I'm noticing it more or I'm just completely shattered with it.

Carla - I posted in another thread 'being treated badly in work'.

OP posts:

laughingeyes2013 · 12/10/2013 20:09

I'd be interested to explore whether he has an addictive personality, because he's acting as though sex is an addiction to him!

So I'd say don't be codependent about it! It's hard when you want to live at peace with someone but this is way out of balance for anyone. We can all get too much of a good thing and twice a day every day for years would bore anyone (unless they have an addiction as well as want to control someone else).

Least that's what I think. And if its true, then reckon he help you'd need would have to be professional help; for you to have confidence to stand up to him and for him to stop controlling you unreasonably with his addiction.

Good luck with it all.

Rules · 12/10/2013 20:12

Hi......do you remember why it started 6 years ago? What was happening? Had you stopped having sex together?

Original poster

Happyperson123 · 12/10/2013 20:21

Hi Rules,

I'm not sure. I can remember one night though. Whenever we had sex I used to tell my husband I loved him - I mean more or less every time. He never said it back and one night I though - sod it - why should I say it. I stopped saying it then. I don't know if that's subconsciously got something to do with it???

I honestly don't know. I do think maybe it's that we have different tastes in general as well. e.g. he likes music channels I prefer watching t.v. I think it's probably more that I started disagreeing with what he wanted to do and have my own opinions which he thinks are mad.

OP posts:

Rules · 12/10/2013 20:53

Do you love him? Do you think the groping and the wanting sex is just him being a pig or do you think it could be linked to something deeper like maybe he doesn't feel that you love him then? You both sound like you really need to talk and for you to tell him exactly how you feel and how close you are to giving up and maybe he will open up and will tell you how he feels and maybe you will uncover that he has felt insecure. Im not saying that any of this means you have to put up with it at all. Just that you both deserve the chance to talk about it properly and open up before everything is thrown away.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 20:57

"I started disagreeing with what he wanted to do and have my own opinions which he thinks are mad."

That wouldn't be unusual. Bullies/controlling/emotionally abusive types can seem to be perfectly nice if they are never challenged. If having your own opinion only earns you contempt then he's probably been a bully all along and the thing that's changed is that you've got older, wiser and less 'in awe' (if that's not putting it too strongly) of this person

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 20:59

You said you loved him after sex and he never once said it back? That is one cold fish you've got there. Nasty.

Rules · 12/10/2013 21:01

Is he a cold fish Happy. Does he never show affection or love unless it leads to sex? Is he a bully?

Original poster

Happyperson123 · 12/10/2013 21:04

Rules - deep down I think that the sex is his way of showing he loves me - it HONESTLY is - he truly believes that everyone is having sex morning and night. He does feel that because I'm not wanting it that I don't love him as much as he loves me (I think).

CEG He would say it if I got upset and said you never say you love me - he would reply 'of course I do, I'm here aren't I - actions speak louder than words'.

He's gone to bed in the huff with me. He asked if I'd come out of my mood and I did as you suggested and started to say that I was unhappy with - then he said I was abnormal and he was bloody sick of it.

I don't know if I should sleep on the sofa - but I'm not into ultimatums unless you can carry them through iyswim?

OP posts:

Meerka · 12/10/2013 21:06

sex twice a day, after 20 years marriage? ye gods, he might be permanently wired up to the mains but msot of use run on Rechargeable batteries and want a break between shags.

this is NOT you. Stick to your guns. And your opinions and your own wishes. You're a human being, not a characterless doll, thank god.

Rules · 12/10/2013 21:08

Sleep on the couch to give yourself a break from him. See what tomorrow brings and how you feel and see if you can have a proper chat with him about what you want from this relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 21:08

'I'm here aren't I' reminds me of the Bill Sikes line in Oliver! 'Of course I loves ya, I lives with ya don't I?' And we all know what happened to Nancy.

I'd sleep on the sofa. At least you won't wake up getting pawed.

DebrisSlide · 12/10/2013 21:21

So, he shows he loves you by letting him wank him off? That doesn't even make sense.

What kind of man tries to shag a woman who is not keen? What kind of man can get pleasure from that?

He doesn't sound very kind.

Helltotheno · 12/10/2013 21:53

There's no quality of life here OP. How can people live like this? I'd rather be in prison.

Get out while you still can .. your daughter's old enough. You need to experience a knob-free life!

mcmooncup · 12/10/2013 21:56

I used to be married to an identical specimen to your DH.

I thought I hated sex, was frigid, there was something wrong with me.....bla bla bla

Hell, I could not have been more incorrect if I tried. It is utterly soul destroying being coerced and bullied into sex. I promise he doesn't love you as how love should actually be. He might think he loves you, but he really doesn't get it....when you love someone you don't bully them and treat them like a convenient fuck hole, all the while dishing out insults designed to degrade you and destroy your self esteem.

I can only advise to LTB. It is miserable living like this. I advise cos I did it and life is so much better. And remarkably I'm not frigid after all

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