Mil + Pregnancy Issues

[FairOfFaceButFullOfWoe]

Hi everyone, I really felt like I needed a rant and also wanted to see what you ladies thought about all of this.

Backstory: DP and I got engaged a few months ago, both delighted and in the early stages of planning, picking a venue etc. Wedding will not be for two years yet as I am also currently in the first trimester of pregnancy (planned and much wanted) so we'll have just over a year after the baby is born before we get married. I also have a Ds from a previous relationship (he is 6) although DP is essentially his dad (in all the important ways) Ds calls him dad etc (his choice). We live at PILs house ATM (the their insistence as it would be easier for us to save for various things.) we pay them £200 pm as well as buying various bits of shopping etc. We're moving our after Christmas.

Anyways sorry I just wanted to lay that all out there. Since we got engaged and pregnant MIL has been driving me MAD. Very interfering etc. With regards the wedding she thinks she has the best ideas and if I/we disagree then she gets the hump. Any idea I have she has to come up with a reason why I can't do that or why it won't work. Even down to who will sit at our top table! For example dp and I thought it would be nice if we sat in the middle with Ds and baby either side of us (not traditional I know but it's what WE want) mil didn't like this idea saying that that's not how it works etc and that sil should have the baby with her

She was also disgusted at the fact that my df will not be paying for the wedding. I told her it's our choice to get married and we'll be paying for it (my df has already told me he will help out but that's a bonus, we do not expect this).

She also told my dp that I can go back to work soon after baby is born because she'll give up work herself to look after the baby and all she expects in return is our child benefit payments

This morning she told me to stop complaining about feeling ill because I had got myself into this situation. Tbf dp did go ape shit at her after that and told her how incredibly rude she was and that we BOTH wanted this baby (she thinks we are irresponsible for wanting a baby before we get married and have more holidays).

I know it seems like I'm being petty and there is more but I'm just at the end of my tether. I'm constantly on edge and upset. Very hormonal and she's making me feel like shit. This post is already mammoth so I won't write anymore. I guess I just want someone to say I'm not being a cow and I'm not alone?

You need to move out!

You're not a cow and you are very much not alone! Can you move sooner? Because tbh it will get worse the longer you stay. My MIL was a PITA when we were planning our wedding, I just stopped talking to her about it in the end, fortunately DH was very much on my side and we didn't live with them thank God, I would have been locked up by now if we did
Your DP needs to be firmly onside and you need to repeat 'WE will be doing..' Every single time she raises an issue. And don't let her look after your DC's, take it from me an interfering person looking after your children doesn't works out!

you are not being a cow and you are not alone, think I would try to move out asap and especially before Christmas, and in the interim don't discuss wedding baby or back to work plans with her, sounds like she has too many opportunities to give your her opinions!

You are definitely not a cow OP, she sounds like a nightmare :(

I think the best thing to do is just grin and bear it, only a few more months to go and then you get to move into your own home for your family

Can't believe she said she would quit work and look after YOUR baby while you go back to work and miss out on all the important bonding time and special moments with your little one-if I were you I would have told her to sod off!

Nod, smile and say "thank you for your thoughts but we'll be doing things our way", and say this to every annoying thing she says. Try not to get drawn into an discussion about anything important, just change the subject to something trivial like the weather or TV.

If she sulks leave her to it. Eventually she should stop as you won't be rewarding her bad behaviour with any attention. I 'trained' my DM like this. It took a few months but it's paid off. It would be best if your do was on board with your plan.

Grit your teeth and look forward to moving out!

You need to start putting your foot down, along with DF, otherwise it's only going to get worse. This type always gets worse you don't won't to be dealing with her over bearing ways when you are caring for a newborn.

I would be making it clear she won't be dictating how you raise your DC and will make your own arrangements for child are should you need them.

Wow she sounds very traditional! I think you're going to have to be firm about the wedding stuff and just say that she obviously has her ideas and ways of doing things and you have yours, as much as you respect her opinion this is yours as dps wedding and you'll be doing things your way. Say it with a smile and then stop including her in the arrangements.

No you are not being a cow at all. I would also suggest you now read Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward as there are power and control issues going on here as well. You likely come from a family

What does your man think about his mother. Is he on your side and is prepared to stand up to her?. If he cannot or will not do this then there are huge problems. He also needs to act by telling her directly to back off and now. He seems to be on your side because she has already riled him and he has already told her off.

I would actually try and move out before Christmas if at all possible. Being under their roof further obligates you to such people like his mother who will use your situation to their advantage.

She will likely not be a good grandparent to your children because of the ways in which she is acting now towards you as a couple. She could well ignore the oldest and focus all her attentions on the baby.

Boundaries will have to be both raised and enforced re her to the letter by both of you. What is and is not acceptable needs to be decided now.

I would be very wary of any dealings with this woman from now on because she is already telling you what she wants and will stop at nothing to achieve her mad aims i.e looking after your as yet unborn child and taking the child benefit money as payment. Do not under any circs let her look after your child!!!. She needs to be told by your man to behave and not chuck her toys out of the pram. Repeat as necessary. If she refuses or strops then ignore her and detach from her as both a couple and as a family. If she cannot be nice then you have the power to not see her at all particularly after you move out.

Such people as well are also not above using a previously unknown health problem or illness to further try and claw back some control; this could happen after you have spoken to her about her behaviours.

You likely come from an emotionally healthy family unit where this type of overt familial dysfunction is thankfully unknown so it is doubly difficult for you to deal with. A united and unbroken front needs to be presented by both of you to her, its your way or no way ultimately and in the end you may have a little or even no contact with her because of her inherent unreasonableness.

Trying to appeal to her better nature will not work because she really has none so that will be about as effective as spitting in the sea. It is not your fault she is like this, you did not cause this to happen to her. Her own birth family did that lot of damage, what if anything do you yourself know about her childhood?.

I would actually avoid confrontation before you move out, it will make the whole atmosphere unpleasant and there isn't anything you are discussing that she can actually do anything about. When she brings up the wedding things, just smile and say you will think about it, depend on the venue and change the topic a bit. One of my friends wrote ideas down in a book, so she could honestly say "I've made a note of it, it's in the book" but then just did her own thing anyway (nobody minded at the actual wedding).

Also, I am assuming the baby won't actually be here until after Christmas so in terms of childcare just say "That's a kind offer but I want to wait and see how I feel about going back to work." She can't argue with that and it puts the conversation off. Once you are out of each others' hair it will be easier to deal with these things.

So, don't commit to anything or get draw into discussing things you don't want to. Just keep saying vague things about how much things are going to change and how you might feel differently so you can't make these decisions yet. On the plus side they are obviously happy you are getting married and having a baby. You aren't going to rein her in, not without problems, but you can try and let it just wash over you a bit more (not saying it is in any way your fault, just the only way I can see of it not getting any worse).

Thanks everyone for your replies, I really wasn't expecting so many or so quickly! I actually feel a bit teary but I blame hormones Dp is getting better at standing up for me/us but it's been hard and if I'm honest I have felt really let down by him at times! Thank you all so much for your supportive messages!

Watch out for her trying to name the baby too!

I'd have a couple of stock sentences 'mil, it's my wedding/maternity leave - you've already had yours, it's my turn now to have the wedding of my dreams not yours!/ to enjoy my maternity leave and I'm really looking forward to it.' said with a smile every time she says something about them. And then if she carries on, start Off with - don't be silly mil - don't you remember we've had this conversation before - you're not getting married!/having a baby!'

And just be like a broken record - repeat ad infinitum and dont get drawn into a discussion about it.

Also tell your dp so he can back you up and echo the same phrases if mil tries to get him to agree to something behind your back.

And also unfortunately we can't move out before Christmas for various reasons so will just have to grit my teeth!

You can always try the MN standby of, "did you mean to be so rude?".

Your man needs to continue to step up; his primary loyalty should be to you his future wife and these children. Not her.

Do read the book I recommended.

My MIL started this. I said if she ever remarried she would be able to put those ideas on what would constitute her perfect day to good use. She had no response for that!

Just don't respond in any way to her plans to take over the baby. Book your maternity leave and take it as planned and then if she says anything at the time simply tell her your arrangements as a fait accompli. If she protests you just point out that you never agreed to anything and it's not really polite to plan what another woman's childcare arrangements should be without reference to her.

It's only 2 months to go. I'd get a calendar and start marking the days off if I were you! How is she with your DS though?

I would see about moving out sooner and if you can't, say to her politely thanks but you have your own plans for what you want and ignore her sulking.

The child benefit bit the most shocking

TBH The child benefit bit is disturbing, how she would just assume you would give her the money or have it paid directly to her account.

She sounds like she has the capacity to be extremely controlling.

ye gods, noyou're not a cow. Don't think it for a moment. But I do think your DP and son and you need some nikes. RUNNNNNNNN from her!

I echo what Attilla said. Make sure your DP is completely on your side as far as you can and then stick to your guns. Use the suggested phrases people have said above 'We appreciate your suggestions, but we have firm ideas of how we would like our wedding" and "did you mean to be so rude?"

Ye gods, telling you to give up work and give her the child benefit? who does she think she is?

Like the others, I don't think you are going to get anywhere with reasoning with her. Gonna have to draw your lines and put up the stone walls. Hard to do, but wow, necessary here.

Ive recently posted a thread about my also toxic mil..you are not alone!
Theres some amazind advice on there about toxic parents and the 'script' they follow if you want to check it out :)

Also that book. its on amazon. waiting for mine to be delivered

Good luck :)

*amazing

Hi sorry it's taken me so long to respond was doing the shopping/dinner etc.

Once again thank you all for your replies! They are more helpful then you know!

Perfectstorm both mil and fil are lovely to my Ds (treat him like a biological grandson) but I can see from the way she is being that this baby will be 'more' her grandchild if that makes sense? She's made endless comments about the fact that it will DEFINITELY be a girl. She just knows! Etc. The only thing I can fault her when it comes to my Ds is that I feel she tries to take over sometimes and also feel she tries to undermine what I decide but I put my foot down when it comes to that sort of stuff.

Also with regards her having the child benefit and quitting work when I dp mentioned that I just laughed and said no. If she wants to quit work to child mind by all means go ahead but I'd like to look after my own baby until the time comes that I may need some help. I work part time and my hours are very good plus I have my dm and dsis who would love to help out. The whole idea was just bizarre!

Why are you even discussing wedding plans with her! I freeze my mil out whenever she butts in to OUR life. Not in a rude or aggressive way, just don't invite or encourage her to get involved, and passively ignore any of her comments/suggestions in a "we'll take that on board" way. She's got the message that she doesn't get to make plans for us.

I agree with Diamondjoan, dont tell her anything about anything!

It will be easier once you move out.

I hope you can nip this in the bud now because I suspect it will only get worse.

Poor you and no, you are NOT being a cow (and I speak as an old MIL of much loved DIL and SIL). You live with ILs at the moment but please, get out as soon as you can. And the MIL has NO right to dictate stuff about your wedding or care of your baby when it arrives. Have I got it right, your DP is supportive and doesn't approve of how his dear mama (!) behaves? Make sure you have a united front and hold your ground. It's YOUR wedding and YOUR baby and she should back off and shut the whatsit up.

Poor you! She sounds incredibly difficult - though no doubt she thinks that she is being helpful/putting you straight/giving you the benefit of her wisdom. However, her announcing that you are going back to work and that she will be looking after the baby takes it to a whole new level

You are moving out in just over 12 weeks. It should get easier then. In the meantime, can I suggest a new stock phrase, which might help:

"It's lovely that you are so interested, and we will think about it. But I'm not saying yes now."

"It's lovely of you to offer, and we will think about it, but we have decided to do it this way . . . "

"It's lovely that you are prepared to do that, but we will need to think about it and let you know . . . ."

It may help to keep a relationship going, but keep you firmly on the grounds of being the one who decides what happens/when and how.