Mil + Pregnancy Issues

[FairOfFaceButFullOfWoe]

Hi everyone, I really felt like I needed a rant and also wanted to see what you ladies thought about all of this.

Backstory: DP and I got engaged a few months ago, both delighted and in the early stages of planning, picking a venue etc. Wedding will not be for two years yet as I am also currently in the first trimester of pregnancy (planned and much wanted) so we'll have just over a year after the baby is born before we get married. I also have a Ds from a previous relationship (he is 6) although DP is essentially his dad (in all the important ways) Ds calls him dad etc (his choice). We live at PILs house ATM (the their insistence as it would be easier for us to save for various things.) we pay them £200 pm as well as buying various bits of shopping etc. We're moving our after Christmas.

Anyways sorry I just wanted to lay that all out there. Since we got engaged and pregnant MIL has been driving me MAD. Very interfering etc. With regards the wedding she thinks she has the best ideas and if I/we disagree then she gets the hump. Any idea I have she has to come up with a reason why I can't do that or why it won't work. Even down to who will sit at our top table! For example dp and I thought it would be nice if we sat in the middle with Ds and baby either side of us (not traditional I know but it's what WE want) mil didn't like this idea saying that that's not how it works etc and that sil should have the baby with her

She was also disgusted at the fact that my df will not be paying for the wedding. I told her it's our choice to get married and we'll be paying for it (my df has already told me he will help out but that's a bonus, we do not expect this).

She also told my dp that I can go back to work soon after baby is born because she'll give up work herself to look after the baby and all she expects in return is our child benefit payments

This morning she told me to stop complaining about feeling ill because I had got myself into this situation. Tbf dp did go ape shit at her after that and told her how incredibly rude she was and that we BOTH wanted this baby (she thinks we are irresponsible for wanting a baby before we get married and have more holidays).

I know it seems like I'm being petty and there is more but I'm just at the end of my tether. I'm constantly on edge and upset. Very hormonal and she's making me feel like shit. This post is already mammoth so I won't write anymore. I guess I just want someone to say I'm not being a cow and I'm not alone?

Omg she's bloody started again!

Earlier I made a comment about something I had seen at work (I work in retail, in the children's department actually) that I thought was quite cute (baby wear). Mil then proceeded to announce that baby wouldn't be wearing anything like that. DP shouted at her that baby would wear whatever the hell we liked. She then replied that 'well I'll just have a wardrobe here of things I like that I'll change the baby into'. Can you believe her cheek? Ffs I had to walk out of the room because I felt stabby.

This is on top of finding out that sil has been begging (on those facebook selling pages) for baby stuff (steriliser, car seat etc) and has just presented us with a whole heap of crap. I have NOTHING against second hand stuff whatsoever but second hand stuff DP and I have chosen. Now mil is upset with us because DP got quite agitated with his sister. I'm only 10 weeks pregnant ffs and would NEVER be buying anything for the baby for quite some time. I get that it must have come from a nice thought process of sil behalf but we never asked her too and we aren't hard up but are now being made to feel like we are and that we are ungrateful it just felt like an invasion of some sort.

Don't even get me started on the fact she rang mil the other day saying she was worried that I had trapped my dp by getting pregnant! We live together, are engaged and this baby was PLANNED! Aaaaargh sorry for the rant I have the rage!

It doesn't sound good for your stress levels, which isn't good for your baby. Your dp sounds at the end of his tether as well. Is there really no nowhere else you can go? Even to your mums?
If you can't-
Can you get a tv in the bedroom and hide in there saying the Mw says you must have complete rest? She is hardly going to check what the Mw said, surely?

• go away at weekends, or out all day, even if its just to sit at a naice hotel and drink tea for a few hours, watch their tv. Say you are visiting friends. If she asks who, say " from work" that's it.
• say you have asked your dm, ( if she is ok with it) to handle your wedding. Any suggestions welcome, please write them down.
• just say " I will be caring for the baby when its here, I can't make decisions yet! And I won't for at least a year after the birth.
• if she wants to buy stuff, let her. You won't be living there.
• ensure your new place is AT LEAST an hour drive from her, and don't allow a routine of every weekend she visits or you have to visit.
• coyly say you and dh have decided on names already if boy or girl and it is secret.
• tell your Mw she is not allowed at the birth!

What the hell was your MIL doing, telling you what SIL had said to her? And I'm sorry to say it but if SIL was under the impression you are strapped for cash and the baby was an accident, it may well have come from MIL.

I had similar from my MIL over baby care, only she announced she didn't hold with putting babies on their backs to sleep as they choke and it's all just silly fashion and she would ignore it. I explained the drop in cot deaths and she did what she always does; ignored me and repeated her beliefs (in fairness, she never actually listens to anyone, so she wasn't so much ignoring me personally as universally oblivious to anyone else). I smiled, and then DH and I quietly agreed she'd never have DS alone. Ever. Which she hasn't. He's almost 5. She also does things like try to insist her neighbour's 10 year old car seat MUST be used in her car for outings, instead of DS' top-rated new one. DH just says his son, his rules and if she wants to take them out to a museum in her car it will be using DS's seat, or not at all. And then she stops arguing. Having your DP so on side is going to make it all workable, in my experience.

I wouldn't let her have the baby alone, because if she's undermining you over your DS then she'd be worse with a bio gc, and your stress levels will be through the roof over things such as changing the baby into her clothes like some kind of doll. Having said that, I do think gp are important and if your DP is good about standing up to her, then he can take the kids over to see her regularly while you get a break, maybe?

I do think moving out as soon as you can is a good idea. Stress and pregnancy isn't ideal for either mother or baby.

Control/power, it is all rearing its head and you are only 10 weeks with DC2. I see DC1 being sidelined and MIL trying to take over DC2. Girl or boy, DC2 won't be a doll to be fought over.

What a shame as suggested, you can't move out before Christmas.
As soon as she says, "All I expect is...." or "I think..." jump in and say no that's not going to happen. Or at best, you'll think about it. Any catty comments about your DF don't give her an audience. If she thinks she's practising for SIL getting wed or having a baby then she can hold back laying down the law. I'm taking a wild guess and thinking you're in your early 20s so on MIL's eyes you're both not ready for knowing what's what.

SIL sounds as bad. There's a difference between being excited and getting involved with big events, and trying to take over and dictate.

Hope your DP sees what they're like and is with you 100%.

OMG!!! Please OP do not think about allowing MIL to have anything other than the odd night babysitting in terms of childcare. I got trapped into letting my DM help me out so I could go back to work and it turned into a nightmare I will never be free of as she has warped my daughter against me by continually undermining and criticising me to her.
Your MIL sounds like she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Just google it and wait for the pennies to drop.
Is there really no way on earth you can get out of there before Christmas? The stress cannot be doing you or baby any good. If you really cannot get out then as PP said, give her as minimal information as possible. Knowledge is power and control to these people. She will react BADLY to you reducing your contact with her. Be prepared for major drama, you are giving her depression, she is seriously ill dontcha know, she will see any attempt by you to assert your independence as a Declaration of War.
Keep busy and distracted by sorting out your new home. This will hopefully give you something positive to focus on and you can start dreaming of what it will be like when you move. Which will be far far far away from MIL, right? Good luck.