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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need advice. I am a bad person.

33 replies

Sl1nkyMalinki · 12/10/2013 11:42

I am awful. I feel awful. I want to hurt myself, I want my DH to hurt me.

There have been issues in our marriage for a few months, and we are in the process of moving. We are both ultra stressed. He is shouty, I am trying to avoid anything that would cause an argument. Consequently I haven't spoken to him as I normally would if something was bothering me. In this case, the fact I can't talk without causing an argument or being made to feel guilty, lack of affection from him, we have sex but it's not making love anymore, it's been lights out and a fuck for months.

So I have royally fucked up. I have been exchanging flirty facebook messages with a bloke I know. DH found the messages, because I am not a seasoned liar I didn't think to hide anything :(

I never wanted anymore than the attention. I never intended anything physical. I never intended to carry on any longer.

But it's too late. I don't know what to do. Please, please, please can someone help me? I need my DH, he is everything to me. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
FlatsInDagenham · 12/10/2013 11:43

Where is your DH now?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 11:47

I think you're overreacting. Have you apologised? What is DH's response? Very concerned that you're wishing actual harm on yourself.

Original poster
Sl1nkyMalinki · 12/10/2013 11:53

DH was due to go out this morning, he should have been back around 11 but I completely understand why he doesn't want to come home yet. I haven't phoned him but I will at about half 12. I know he needs time to think.

He is devastated. He says I have broken his trust to such as extent he is not sure what to do.

What can I do to reassure him? I have no idea how to mend this :(

I'm sorry, saying I want to hurt myself is wrong. I want to slap myself very hard. I wouldn't do more than that, I have DC and I'm trying to hold it together this morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sl1nkyMalinki · 12/10/2013 11:55

I have apologised. A lot. I don't know what else I can do?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 12:25

You'll just have to let him work through it. You've apologised and that's all you can do. The atmosphere you described prior to this incident sounds pretty vile. Don't let him browbeat you with this mistake....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 12:28

... and ffs don't browbeat yourself.

Original poster
Sl1nkyMalinki · 12/10/2013 12:39

Thank you Cogito.

I can't believe I've hurt him like this. Or the situation get so bad I'd even latch on to some positive attention. I'm a grown up, I should have dealt with the problems!

OP posts:
joblot · 12/10/2013 12:47

I think being honest, really thinking about why you did itand talking lots are good things to do. Are there oother problems you're sitting on? It's natural to feel despondent. If possible distract yourself for a while so you get a break from the misery. Good luck op, we all screw up at some point, the key is to learn from it and make amends

Bogeyface · 12/10/2013 12:55

Self flagellation wont change anything.

What you did was wrong and you accept that. He needs to decide how he is going to react to it, yes it could mean the end of your marriage (if you were posting that he had done this then you would get pages of LTB). But it might not, especially if you can use this incident to highlight the issues that led to it and deal with them.

You will need to work very hard to regain his trust and you will probably need counselling together to work through it, but you could come out of this better than before.

At the moment I think you need to lay your cards on the table, explain why you did this, what you gained from it and how you dont want it to be the end of your marriage. Then let him think about it, remind him that you love him but dont bug him, he needs time to think and decide what to do and he may change his mind several times before he comes to final decision.

Good luck.

Unidentifiedflyingobject · 12/10/2013 12:59

It's hardly unreasonable that you wanted some attention?! Don't flog yourself to death over a (relatively) minor misdemeanour and then be left with both crippling guilt and the same shit you had before. It's an opportunity to sort stuff out from both sides. But yes all you can do is apologise and wait and think about what a better scenario might be for you all. And if he can't get beyond it then that's the rub and you can't force him to.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 12/10/2013 13:02

Let's get a little bit of perspective going on here. What you did was stupid but, it's a little bit of flirting, it's not an emotional affair or a physical affair.

I think you both need to take it for the wake up call it is.

Yes you were the one who did something stupid but you BOTH need to take responsibility for the state of your relationship and address that.

Apologise (as you have), take full responsibility for your actions (you did it, not him, no matter how bad your relationship was, he didn't deserve this nor make you do it), but don't take on all the responsibility for how things have been before this - you BOTH need to face up to how it got in the mess it was in.

IF he wont 'forgive' you for this, then really, he'd checked out of your relationship before this. It's a few flirty facebook messages - not the end of the world.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 13:05

There have been issues in the marriage for a few months. Shouting, lack of affection and 'lights out fucks'. Whilst two wrongs don't make a right, no-one in this story can claim the halo... Remember that rather than being too submissive.

Unidentifiedflyingobject · 12/10/2013 13:07

Totally agree with Cogito - too easy to make yourself the only problem here - it's not the case

YellowCanary1 · 12/10/2013 13:15

Just as an observation, if this was a woman posting that her dh had done this, would the above posters advice ve the same? I've seen many a post where dh's are villified and torn apart for less.

Op - what you did was wrong, however it does sound like you have a number of issues in your marriage. Regardless of this your dh deserves time and space to process your emotional affair and then maybe you can talk it through and deal with the issues as a whole to build a better marriage for the future.

Wellwobbly · 12/10/2013 13:29

Say to him 'I am not going to deal with this except in counselling'. Make the appointment and stick to it.

At least he can't deny that there are problems any more (I seem to remember you have tried to address them?)

Original poster
Sl1nkyMalinki · 12/10/2013 13:44

Mumsnet I love you. I have to be honest I was ready to accept the flaming but instead you are all amazing.

DH is home. He's had a long think and we are going to talk properly when DC's are in bed. He accepts he is 50% of the problem and has been difficult to live with. It's a start and we need to talk about everything. I'm feeling pretty lucky right now, this morning I thought he was gone and 14 years lost because of a stupid little flirt :(

I'll make a few notes so I don't get flustered and forget all your brilliant advice. I've spent years as a doormat and it's against my nature and now it's come to a head.

Thank you again

OP posts:
Original poster
Sl1nkyMalinki · 12/10/2013 13:44

Re counselling, I'll see how we go tonight. But it may be worth a few sessions.

OP posts:
Dito · 12/10/2013 13:47

I read this with interest as I am on the other side of this, (in fact my heart leapt into my mouth as I thought you could be H taking the piss.)

No 'night fucks' or issues (that I know about and he says not), not a marriage without ups and downs, but stress filled jobs and moving house.

My perspective is that your H will be wondering what else you did and wont be thinking straight. His minds will be filling the blanks with awful thoughts of betrayal and will be questioning everything that has been happening lately - he will need time and you need to explain everything especially WHY?

I am a week into this and I am still trying to deal with it. Probably different circumstance but you will only get onto that part after he stops feeling like I do.

Viviennemary · 12/10/2013 13:57

You did a stupid thing which you regret now. But it's all a bit of a storm in a teacup if nothing has actually happened between you other than a few flirty messages. I hope you get things sorted out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 14:03

@YellowCanary... if the OP's DH was the one posting his side of this story he'd probably be told that it was a big breach of trust, that it may be the tip of the iceberg and to demand complete openness from the OP if he wanted to carry on with the marriage. If he said he couldn't get past it he'd get support for a split. What he'd be told was completely out of order, however, is using the event as a metaphorical stick to beat the OP with..

Original poster
Sl1nkyMalinki · 12/10/2013 14:17

Dito, I'm so sorry you're on the the side of this, but thank you so much for posting, I really appreciate it. I think it's lucky I'm a crap liar, I can't lie to him and I hope he knows I'm telling the truth, but I completely see what you mean that he is mentally filling in gaps. I am stupid and I sincerely hope your DH is only stupid too.

I think our problems arise from way back. We met when I was in my late teens and he was late 20's. I moved a long way from my hometown to be with him. Knew only his friends there and nobody else. So I became very dependant and when DC1 arrived and we merged bank accounts it got worse. He was sole breadwinner and I have become used to asking for things I need. I now earn a little for myself and pay more attention to mumsnet and I can see that this is not working for us. Nobody should have to hide a couple of new t shirts from h&m in case buying them was "wrong"! There's been lots control issues for years, I'm not an equal partner at the moment.

So big chat tonight. Maybe you're right and we will come out of this better than before.

Thank you everybody x

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2013 14:27

If your relationship has any history of controlling, bullying or emotionally/financially abusive behaviour then anticipate that he's going to try to use this incident as a weapon (guilt-tripping, threats to sue for custody of the children, 'unfit mother' accusations, reasons to control you further).

On any level do you think you wanted to get caught? Any element of wanting to hurt him by way of retaliation for all the crap?

Lweji · 12/10/2013 14:40

What Cogito said.

Why exactly do you want this man so badly?
He seems to be financially controlling and emotionally abusive.

I'd take a long look at the relationship itself.

You did something stupid, but don't let it be used to let yourself be dominated even further.

Use this incident to figure out what you really want.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 12/10/2013 15:01

Yellow I'd say exactly the same thing and frankly, that old line is, well, old...

Slinky - I'm glad that MN is helping you to see that there are other (better) ways for relationships to work.

You were both young when you met & then had your DC, you'd moved away from your friends and family and what you describe can be fairly normal in that situation.

Unless your DH earns a lot of money, it can be hard to bring up a family on one wage and you often do end up in a situation where you ask about spending money because there simply isn't enough to buy things sometimes.

However, some people end up becoming very controlling when they are The Breadwinner (& don't appreciate it is a partnership & the other person is 'earning it' by being the SAHP & making the sacrifices that entails) and even when there is enough money, expect the other one to go cap in hand for money - that is really, really wrong.

Only you know how it has been in your relationship.

You are a little on the backfoot right now, because you did something stupid, but this whole relationship problem is not down to you. At the moment your DH is saying he knows he's half the problem too - hopefully he's genuine about that.

I hope you can discuss it and get things sorted out.

However, you say there have been control issues for years - so you need to watch out (as others have already said) that your guilt over this doesn't allow him to control & manipulate you futher. You are going to have to maintain your position on this of 'Yes, what I did was wrong and for that I am very sorry and I am very sorry I hurt you. It was a shit thing to do. Sorry' END OF. Do not allow this to become a stick he beats you with.

You expected us to tell give you a flaming, you saw what you did as massively more awful that it actually was - I worry that you have been with him for so long you are very scared of that changing and that you will basically do anything to keep the peace - please don't.

Original poster
Sl1nkyMalinki · 12/10/2013 20:24

I went out this afternoon with the DC, so just catching up now.

I know I am very much in the wrong. I know he doesn't deserve this, but i also know that our marriage needs to change.

Thank you for all your replies. I never thought I would be starting a thread in Relationships tbh, thought I had a handle on it all :/

OP posts: