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Original poster

Still haunted by this so called facebook banter ((((

36 replies

Mumof3girlys · 11/10/2013 20:42

So will try and keep this brief have been with my bf 2 years, 3 months ago I found done facebook messages between him and his ex, not just any ex the 19 year old he left his wife for when he was 27, he is now 37!

Now I always knew they chatted via fb every now and then even saw some messages nothing to be concerned about but three months ago I came across a conversation that basically was talking about meeting up, he was nearly begging her, these are done if the messages he sent

"Before I hit 40 we gotta meet up lol"

"All this talk of meeting, drinking, dressing up has given me movement in my pants"

"One day and night were getting a hotel for old times sake and you can do what you want to me"

" I'm up for meeting if you are"

" def 100% want to meet up we have threatened to do this for ages"

"Call me next week after Tuesday and we can arrange, you can take your midlife crisis out on me, it will be awesome" (the ref to Tuesday was because he would be back at work and not with me)

Basically he clearly didn't here anything on the Tuesday because 8 days later he then contacted her again, she was away in France and he left that convo with this message

"Have good hols, catch up soon ))))))) xx"

This was the day I found out!!! I of course went mental texted bf saying know about name/hotel etc and switched phone off and messaged her telling her what I thought, she came back to me very sorry about it, had shown her husband and that he wasn't worried as he. Knew there was nothing in it and that she is a terrible flirt and that it meant nothing just shit convo as they really have nothing to say to each other, she also have me her husbands number so I could call them and chat about it.

My boyfriend immediately drove to mine was sorry said it was just drunk banter (and I know 100% he was drunk when the messages were sent) it was a horrible emotional few days that followed and I tried to except that he was sorry and that he meant it when he said it would never of happened!

Now 3 months on I'm really struggling was it just banter??? Can't help think that the fact he made first mov and messaged her again 8 days later means he had every intention of going though with it!

It's driving me mad, it hurts, I just don't get it our relationship was going great all this came at a time when we were talking about moving in.

I just can't seem to get over this, I'm still so bitter, please help me with your views, advice etc xxx

OP posts:
PrincessFlirtyPants · 11/10/2013 20:49

Oh mumof Sad

That's not very nice at all. I used to flirt with a guy like this (very innocent from my side, I was just flattered by the attention) he was quite serious though.

It doesn't sound to me like just "banter" though. Sounds to me like your DP wanted some follow through.

Has there been any contact since?

lizzzyyliveson · 11/10/2013 20:52

Don't move in with him. He has lost your respect and your trust. You can keep working on the relationship if you think he is the man you want to have a future and a family with but he needs to realise that he has nearly lost you through his own stupid behaviour and he needs to grow up before he hits 40.

Zipadeedoodah · 11/10/2013 20:52

You probably know yourself what you should do. I don't think anyone would want to make a decision for you. Go with your instinct, can you trust him now? Personally, I think if nothing else his actions seem immature. Drunk or not that's out of order and obviously he must be feeling something to write them. Not going to say LTB , but its a worry to think he is someone so important to you happy to send messages on FB like this....immature and not thinking ....

Boosterseattheballcleaner · 11/10/2013 20:52

People show themselves for who they are when drunk, he is telling you who he is. Listen to him.

"Movement in my pants" that's just lovely.

I wouldn't tolerate that, I could never respect him again if I thought he was out there begging for sex with OW.

You deserve better.

something2say · 11/10/2013 21:00

I can't decide for you xx only thing I'd say is, have an eye out for your exit strategy should one be required, sadly. I mean money, saved in your name only, and keep your life going with your friends xxx.

Original poster
Mumof3girlys · 11/10/2013 21:14

No there has been no more contact since she immediately blocked him on fb and because I was so bothered I even contacted her yesterday to check he hasn't been in touch since!

Def not moving in now anytime in the near future, lucky we don't have any joined finances my house is mine and my children's he just spends 3/4 nights a week here

OP posts:
something2say · 11/10/2013 21:25

What would bother me here is that I would want to be the woman that a man, my partner, is writing to like that. What sort of man is he that he wants to carry on with you when he feels that way about another woman?

ImperialBlether · 11/10/2013 21:39

Never minding anything else, he sounds an incredibly lazy lover.

"...you can do what you want to me."

"...you can take your midlife crisis out on me, it will be awesome."

"Call me next week..."

Yseulte · 11/10/2013 22:09

What's so hurtful is that it sounds quite eager and it didn't come off through her lack of response. It's difficult to know if he would have gone through with it.bi can understand why it's haunting you.

If he spends half the week with you, does he contribute financially?

Original poster
Mumof3girlys · 11/10/2013 22:14

No he doesn't help with money or bills etc, that's also starting to piss me off noticed recently when I go shopping I get oh can you pick this etc up!!!! Don't mind every now and then but he gives it oh let's eat this at the weekend end I seem to be the one going out and buying it

OP posts:
JumpingJackSprat · 11/10/2013 22:16

what do you get out of this relationship?

pictish · 11/10/2013 22:18

I would NOT be pleased!

I'm afraid to say it would be the end for me. That's not 'banter' - that's him begging her for clandestine sex.

Out it this way - how would he view you sending messages to an ex saying

"All this talk of meeting up has made me moist"

hmm?

Banter my arse.

Xales · 11/10/2013 22:19

He would have slept with her if she had said yes.

No thought to you or your relationship at all.

Is that what you want to settle for?

Yseulte · 11/10/2013 22:28

So he part time cock lodges with you and then chases after his ex?

Maybe it's not just the 'banter' you feel angry about?

teaselweasel · 12/10/2013 08:06

He's an arse and a sponger. You and your girls deserve better.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/10/2013 08:08

No that wasnt banter, it was him trying to meet his ex for sex..sorry

Cabrinha · 12/10/2013 08:14

Oh come on. You want better than this. Dump.

MarshmallowCupcake · 12/10/2013 08:47

I've no problem with my hubby being friends with his ex because I trust him. Your partner has no respect for you or the trust you gave him. Take a big step back from the relationship and see how he reacts and what he does to try and save it and prove his love to you - that is, if you still love him and want to save the relationship! Otherwise....dump the loser and let him figure out his mid life crisis on his own! Big hugs x

Jengnr · 12/10/2013 08:49

Wanker. Get rid.

Offred · 12/10/2013 08:51

He sounds grim and if he is a bf rather than DP or DH I would dump him.

He dumped his wife for a 19 year old - wrong, really weird and creepy.

He is sexually incontinent and disrespectful of you - end of the relationship I think.

sixfootplus · 12/10/2013 09:03

@OP

Jengnr summed it up perfectly IMHO. Definately get rid as soon as you can because this guy is an affair just waiting to happen!

OK, his ex has blocked him etc etc & nothing happened this time. It won't be long before another ex or whatever comes along, do you really want to live day-to-day with that thought hanging over you?

No, this guy has shown you that he has no respect for you and destroyed your trust for him..... Dump him as soon as possible & at a time that suits YOU.

You deserve better!

GoshAnneGorilla · 12/10/2013 09:08

I would not be forgiving him, I would be finishing with him.

pictish · 12/10/2013 09:12

He sounds grim and if he is a bf rather than DP or DH I would dump him.

I'd dump him if he were dh or dp as well. He is begging another woman for sex!!!

If your fella's doing that, the relationship is a sham, no matter how long you have been together!

pictish · 12/10/2013 09:19

Can't help think that the fact he made first mov and messaged her again 8 days later means he had every intention of going though with it!

You 'can't help but think' that, because that is the truth of the situation and you damn well know it! You have allowed yourself to be talked round and accept his fob off of 'banter', because you cannot bear for the fact that he is a cheating shitbag who doesn't actually cherish you or your relationship in the least, to be true.
But it is.

For God's sake ditch him.

Offred · 12/10/2013 09:21

I just meant it is much more difficult to dump a DP or DH. A bf you can dump without a second thought. And I think you should do exactly that!

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