Parents / smacking

[Punkrockisdead]

I'll try to keep it brief. When I was young, sometimes my parents would hit me if we had arguments / I was badly behaved / they felt I deserved it. It was probably from when I was about 10 and I remember my father being worse than my mother.

My mother would slap, mainly on arms and legs and never on the face from what I can recall. My father would take his belt off on occasion and hit with that and I remember distinctly once when I annoyed him with something trivial. I was in my early teens, knew I was winding him up and carried on. He then pushed me backwards, stood over me and smacked me continuously for a couple of minutes.

I was an extremely argumentative teen, cheeky and answered back. I'm now early 40's and can see that I was badly behaved. I would say I have a good and close relationship with both parents now but since I had my own DC I am having a difficult time reconciling everything, mainly because of my love for my own DC and I cannot for a minute imagine harming a hair on their heads.

I confronted my mother about it loosely in a discussion about discipline and she went crazy, defending my father, saying she couldn't remember it and that if it did happen, basically I deserved it and I would understand when my own DC become teens.

In every other way they were good parents, supported me financially and through tough times in my life as best they could but I still feel angry about the hitting and it won't go away. I don't know if I'm being irrational or overreacting. I know we lived in a different time then and i wonder if all parents did this then? Can anyone help?

I don't think that you are being irrational or overreacting. It was more common, but not all parents did it, mine didn't. Your mother obviously feels guilty to have that reaction. I think that you will just have to draw a line under it and let it go.

Not all parents resorted to hitting. I'm late forties and mine didn't. However, standing over a child and hitting them for several minutes would have been considered excessive, even then, as would hitting a kid with a belt. A quick slap on the legs, not so much.

My parents used to smack. It was just occasionally, and I always knew I had really deserved it and what I had done. I don't look back and resent them for it. It was done that way in their day and we are of a different generation. They were still, and remain today, very kind and supportive parents (even though that might sound like a contradiction).

I have tried hard to refrain from it with my own children, and have largely succeeded. Not perfect though, and they have pushed all my buttons in the past. Usually I tried to cope by sending them to their rooms whilst we all calmed down. They are all pretty much in the teenage phase now, and testing the boundaries/thinking they know it all.

It does sound though as if yours was in rather a different league. Would any form of counselling help? Your parents probably don't/didn't realise they were doing anything wrong.

Hi Op.

Im 40. My parents hit my siblings & I as children. Among my aunts & uncle's they were considered quite slack & not strict enough.

All my cousins were hit with a belt or rod.

It wasn't right. It was a different time. I doubt your parents will take on board the view that they were wrong, I know my parents think they were good & fair parents. I don't!

Sounds like she felt defensive about it - perhaps she did remember and felt guilty?

I think that smacking was considered more normal back then, equivalent to the way that we might use time out, grounding or loss of privileges or any other punishment we might consider acceptable today, but what you describe does sound more like lashing out in anger than any form of discipline, and I think that distinction has been around for as long as children/teenagers have been considered people.

I am younger than you so I don't know if this was generally the case in the 80s, (seems more like a 1950s/60s attitude) but could it be that your father felt very strongly that he was "supposed" to be head of the household/in charge and that he should take any measures necessary to not let you speak to him like that, and overreacted because you carried on winding him up? I'm not saying he was right to do that but I wonder if he justified it to himself in this way.

It was done that way in their day and we are of a different generation

I am just over 60yrs and I was never smacked. Everyone had different methods of parenting and they didn't have to follow what was 'done'.

My dad's tricks were the belt buckle hitting you across the back or a slap across the head that left you deaf for about an hour. My mum would hit us with whatever heavy object she could lay her hands on..

These punishments sadistic abuse lasted until I was physically tall enough to punch my dad back. I was 15.

I was convinced I must've been a cow growing up but my DB told me recently that he could never understand why I was hit some much.

I was terrified that I would deal with my DC in the same way.

I don't. I don't forgive them for what they did but I bloody learned from it.

The best i can think is that they were of a generation that were encouraged to discipline their children harshly for fear we become renegades. Well it worked with me...I'm am terrified of breaking any rules even minor ones!

I was a teen in the 80s and I was never hit at all by either parent. They carried out sustained violence against you. If a member of the public had been hit in such a manner in the street this would have been classed as assault.

Abuse is about power and control; your parents wanted this over you and hit you accordingly "to bring you back into line".

I would call what happened to you at the hands of your parents with particular reference to your father physical abuse. People like your mother always try and rewrite history to suit their own ends. Note the self justification of her answer; "you deserved it" so she was right to do this to you. There is still no remorse from this person for her actions.

I would consider contacting NAPAC even though their lines are very busy.

My mum used to give us the wooden spoon off the back of the thighs. That smarted! It wasn't often, and only when we were really very naughty or cheeky. I don't look back on it with resentment at all. My mum was loving and supportive, and pretty liberal in general.
Pretty much everyone I knew back then would be subject to a smacked arse if they were bad.

I've got to say though, being hit with a belt for a sustained period lasting minutes sounds really awful!

My Dad threatened it but I don't remember him ever raising a hand to us. My Mum most definitely was a smacker, as was her own mother. She says she never did it once we were about 3 or 4 but I have a very clear memory of her standing over my brother, who must have been about 7 or 8 (so I was about 9), while he was cowering in the corner and repeatedly hitting him. I think he had stolen something from a sweet shop. It's one of those memories that I've obviously repressed and when it comes back, it still makes my stomach twist into a knot.

I don't want to be her. The scary thing is that when the kids really rile me, I can feel the urge to smack and I know it's what I've learned from growing up like that. I'm determined to keep it in check though - my mother's relationship with both of us is not great now, especially with my brother who basically has as little to do with her as possible, and I don't want that for my family.

I'm 39 and I have very similar memories to you Punkrock in particular that there is one incident in my head that went to far and I find it difficult to forgive.

We also have a zero smacking policy in our house and my parents were a bit incredulous about it in a "just you wait" kind of way but now tend to see how effective different "punishments" (we tend to use time out - to hear DS kick-off about it he definitely think it is a punishment!) can be.

I do think smacking was a "sign of the times". No, not every family did it but certainly many many more than do now. The thing is that as your family and my family show, when smacking is considered acceptable it is too easy to cross a line and what do you do when a smack does not work? Smack twice and harder - obviously

It's an unpleasant memory but I have largely rationalised it. I have a slightly difficult relationship with my DF anyway but nothing serious because we live quite a long way from each other so we do not see each other that often. I refuse to give it head space when we are not together and would rather have him in my children's lives than not. I know that as a personality I tend to be quite "out of sight out of mind" so it is not something I dwell on much.

Smacking in the past was sad and not something I will replicate with my DCs but I do think it's important that people see it in historical context as something that was not only considered okay but a valid and even helpful way of teaching a child a lesson. And the danger with something like smacking is that in the heat of the moment smacking can very easily become hitting, we cannot be the only ones who ended up being 'over-smacked'

HOWEVER smacking you over minutes like that was awful. Even more than once suggests a loss of control and a beating delivered in anger and not any (misguided) attempt to teach a lesson.

Perhaps like with smacking in general you need to put this in context before you decide what to do. Was he generally a loving father? Is this something that will harm your relationship if not discussed? It sounds like you need to go to him directly and get this sorted out, maybe write down your thoughts first and get them together if you need, or even write a letter and get him to read that first if you don't feel you can have a constructive discussion right off.

My mother also physically punished us like this when we were young - she has been a fab and loving parent, but also has a hell of a temper and used to get us with a hairbrush when angry (vs my dad, who would deliver a single saddened and solemn slap on the back of the hands, which felt more like a proper lesson). My brother remembers being hit for minutes, but I was there and know it was actually very brief but awful (maybe worth considering in your case too - though whether it was minutes or seconds doesn't mean you are wrong to feel the way you do). I plan not to smack at all, and my mother knows that this is an absolute condition of her doing any childcare - but I think that she is very aware that times have changed, and fwiw she would not do the same if she had her time over again. Whatever your outcome I hope that your discussion goes okay.

we were smacked - not regularly just very occasionally. I do have friends who were hit with belts or a slipper, one of my friends mum used to hit them with things or throw things at them because she had bad arthritis in her hands and if she hit them with her hand it hurt her more than it hurt them - they got walloped with a broom handle or a lighter in the head normally - they were teenagers by then and could be really cheeky but even at the time there was no resentment once the punishment - it was all forgotten in a heartbeat.

I don't feel any resentment at all towards my parents - I love them both dearly and think it was just one of those things but I don't think smacking is a bad thing if used properly and occasionally - if the time comes and something happens I think warrants smacking my children I will.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences - just hearing that others have experienced similar has made me feel more at ease about it. When it was happening I wouldn't have dreamed of mentioning it to my friends as I just presumed that all parents were like that.

I think somehow I will just have to get over this and put it down to a generational thing. I do know that the most important lesson it has taught me is that I will never treat my DC like that.

I think my father very much wanted to control and assert himself. That rings very true. He was and is a very charming individual to the outside world but he was moody and bad tempered at home during my childhood /teens. I don't think there would be any point in confronting him now as I know his reaction would be to play the victim and be silent.

I was smacked by my DM when I was young (I'm in my forties), as was my DB. My DF never lifted a finger to us (and funnily enough I have a much better relationship with him).

I remember, as I got older, realising that when DM smacked me (is it still called smacking if it's with a wooden spoon or slipper?) it was because she'd lost control. It's left me with very little respect for her and I wouldn't recommend it as a discipline method to anyone.

As an aside, she's smacked my DC a couple of times... I was fuming, but this is typical of her.

Yes Punk! It's definitely all about control, my DM is a control freak.

Please don't think you were a bad teenager just because you were cheeky and answered back.

The smacking is a control thing, and some level of defiance is normal as there is no other way to counter it, especially as you get older. It is absolute, there is no middle ground. It is the assertion of one persons will over another.

Any way, cheeky is normal for a teenager. If mine stepped over the line, I told them. They have grown up fine, and if anything have not been naughty enough (I think I have gone wrong there )

Ilovexmas totally relate to not having respect for them now, more for my DF, to be honest. When I was younger I thought he was strong but now I see that he was really very weak with no self control. Weirdly makes me feel sad.

I am over 40 and was never hit.

My dh is also over 40 and had a father who kept a stick in the kitchen to hit his children with if they misbehaved .

He was hit twice and harbours nothing but resentment over it and remembers every minute detail.

We have never and would never lay a finger on our children to discipline them.

I can't tell you how strongly I feel about it. It is abusive, hypocritical and rubbish parenting.

I have a 15 year old so I think I have come across pretty much every scenario that might make some parents lash out. Nothing, ever, has made me lose control to the extent that I would hit my child. I love and respect him and he drives me nuts at times. But do I have the right to hit him? Never.

I'm 53. I wept for my Dad, indeed I still do. A kind, funny man. Very much of his time and background, but he listened to arguments and could be persuaded. Very occasionally a token tap on the wrist, but his disappointment was worse.

Mum...gifted musician, artist, fluent French yadda yadda. A complete fucking lunatic 3 days a month. Open hand, fists, thrown food, pincer grip. Booted into a thunderstorm once to return something to a neighbour. No coat, "you can run." Knocked across the room for bad school reports.

I was complimented on reading the eulogy dry eyed. Oh yes. And if she's reading this over my shoulder, 30 years of charitable work, however effective, does NOT make up for the other stuff.

/rant

Sorry.

The hardest thing for me to accept about the abuse I experienced in my childhood is that it's more important to my mother that she maintain the image she has of herself as a great parent than it is to acknowledge my pain and upset. Everyone makes mistakes, no one is a perfect parent and I think most people are willing to forgive their parents a hell of a lot if they just hold up their hands and say "yes it was wrong, I'm sorry." For them to deny or dismiss it basically means they don't care and that's very hard to swallow.

I was smacked as a child and I've smacked my DDs when they have pushed limits.

I don't get what all the fuss is about. I never have and I never will.

A quick slap and get on with life or a child fighting about sitting on the naughty step for 30 minutes or having an hours whining hysterics because you've taken away a toy or stopped them seeing their friends, going to ballet or what ever other punishment you are forced to invent.

To me complicated forms of discipline just get in the way of love cuddles and getting on with life.

If OP you think the hitting you suffered was truly abuse that's one thing, but if you are trying to judge the past by people's public face today that's quite another.

Parents today may not hit as often, but I don't believe for one moment that all never do.

I certainly know households where all would be much happier if they found a form of saying enough that actually works.

StarBallBunny no one is complaining about 'a quick slap' here, are they? Look at the original post.
Thanks OP for starting the thread and to the others for sharing experiences. Some very similar to mine.

My parents smacked me and I dont blame them. Dd presses all of my buttons and I must say, ! As much as I love her I do shout and have to hold back. I dont hit her but imo emotional abuse is far worse i ddontbdo that either.. Having been smacked myself, I am NOT anti smacking.