Parents / smacking

[Punkrockisdead]

I'll try to keep it brief. When I was young, sometimes my parents would hit me if we had arguments / I was badly behaved / they felt I deserved it. It was probably from when I was about 10 and I remember my father being worse than my mother.

My mother would slap, mainly on arms and legs and never on the face from what I can recall. My father would take his belt off on occasion and hit with that and I remember distinctly once when I annoyed him with something trivial. I was in my early teens, knew I was winding him up and carried on. He then pushed me backwards, stood over me and smacked me continuously for a couple of minutes.

I was an extremely argumentative teen, cheeky and answered back. I'm now early 40's and can see that I was badly behaved. I would say I have a good and close relationship with both parents now but since I had my own DC I am having a difficult time reconciling everything, mainly because of my love for my own DC and I cannot for a minute imagine harming a hair on their heads.

I confronted my mother about it loosely in a discussion about discipline and she went crazy, defending my father, saying she couldn't remember it and that if it did happen, basically I deserved it and I would understand when my own DC become teens.

In every other way they were good parents, supported me financially and through tough times in my life as best they could but I still feel angry about the hitting and it won't go away. I don't know if I'm being irrational or overreacting. I know we lived in a different time then and i wonder if all parents did this then? Can anyone help?

My DM used to 'thrash' us (her verb) when DB and I were kids. Completely out of control, punching, slapping, throwing to the ground, often provoked by behaviour which was not naughty, but which for some reason triggered her. Lots of accompanying verbal abuse. DF barely laid a hand on me (I say 'barely' because I remember a swat on the bum when I was being incredibly cheeky, which caused no pain, but was quite sobering given his usual patience.)

I could also say that DM has been in so many ways a wonderful mother - endlessly supportive and encouraging, hours of study support, music lesson support, source of great advice etc. Her own childhood was incredibly violent - living in daily terror that her abusive, alcoholic father (himself horribly abused by his father) would murder her mother. I think she did her best for us. Given her origins, our home life was amazingly functional. I knew I was deeply loved. She's been a much better parent to her teens and adults than she was to her children. It doesn't mean I haven't suffered from her actions - when DH and I decided to start trying for a baby, I began to suffer severe panic attacks and needed counseling (which has been so helpful - I was amazed at the depth of the fear and pain which I uncovered - and the resentment toward my DF, who allowed it to happen.)

Recently we were watching an old episode of Supernanny, and she became very upset, and saying she wished she had had some advice and support when we were little. But I don't think it would have helped, particularly, because her violence and rage came from the most damaged and irrational part of her being. I feel huge sorrow for the terrified child she was, and for the terrified child I was. I'm pregnant now. There will be no more terrified children born to this family.

What a lovely post rightside and how forgiving you are.

I'm in my seventies. My father never smacked but could torment in a psychological way - for example, if I got 99 per cent in a math exam, he'd be angry that I'd 'lost' one per cent! He'd also keep me up into the early hours of the morning practising my French with him (he multi-lingual). My mother, on the other hand, was a hitter, often for no reason at all better than she didn't like the way I was looking at her!!!!

Both parents were depressives, the marriage was extremely unhappy and frankly, I don't think they were fit to have the care of a goldfish, let alone three kids. I still look back on my childhood with horror.

I was smacked, even at school it was considered normal to get six of the best
However, I was never beaten. There is a difference. Sounds like you were disciplined way too physically

I grew up in the seventies and have very clear memories of being hit often. My mum used to slap me round the face or on the head and legs but my dad used to do the whole over the knee thing. It happened dozens of times and I clearly remember putting on extra pants and tights when I knew it was going to happen (not that it helped much).

I only remember it happening to my sister once and that was for something I grassed her up for. She was always making things up to get me in trouble but I was consumed with guilt when she was hit for something she'd really done because I'd made it happen by telling on her. I never grassed her up again.

My mum stopped hitting me the day I hit her back aged about 15/16. My dad stopped when I threatened to call the police if he touched me when I was 17 and had a full time job.

Bizarrely I raised this with them a few months ago, while talking about our childhood, not in a critical way but in a remembering way and they both absolutely denied every laying a finger on me. I was gobsmacked. I really can't believe that they have both forgotten all those occasions in the intervening 30 years. Surely they can't have?

I wish I could ask my sister what she remembers but I know that if she knows they are denying it happened she will back them up whatever the truth is so there is no point.

I don't see any need to drag it all up anyway. They don't lay a finger on my children and we generally have a good relationship. I just find it hard to accept that they are denying something that hurt me so much and I will never forget.

For them to deny or dismiss it basically means they don't care and that's very hard to swallow.

This ^

Either they didn't care enough to remember it or they don't care enough to admit it now.

I'm early in my early 30s and was smacked by my parents. Like yours, mine are great in all other ways but I think that somehow the discipline that they experienced when they were young spilled over into their own parenting. In my case I know that I never really did anything too out of the ordinary for a child/teenager to deserve that type of punishment and if I allow myself to dwell on it, that is what makes me angry. I was never rebellious and hardly ever challenged them. My brother was a little more 'naughty' than I was and therefore had harsher punishments, ie '6 of the best' with a belt buckle.

Smacking on the hand/bottom with a wooden spoon or slipper was standard, as was a hard smack on the back of the legs, enough to leave a handprint. In my case my mum has openly admitted that she had anger issues (is a lot better now) and was definitely the worst. I have one memory of her pinning me up against the wall with her hands around my neck for daring to speak back a little to my dad.

Like I said they are great in all other ways and very loving but were misguided in this aspect when we were younger. I can't imagine that they would ever condone this now and would be horrified if I took this approach with my DS. (Which btw would never ever happen).

Very moving rightside. Although my experience wasn't as bad as yours I fully agree that the best way to get a positive out of it is doing the very best for our own DC.

For them to deny or dismiss it basically means they don't care and that's very hard to swallow.

I like to think, as someone suggested earlier, that my parents react like this because they do remember and feel guilty. I hope so. It was more common then but as is clear from this thread, it didn't happen to everyone. Mine are very, very good GP to my DC and I like to think that in some way, they are making up for the smacking / angry episodes.

I was smacked twice by my mum. On both occasions she admits she lost control and shouldn't have. One occasion was shortly after my nan died and I accidentally left a ring she'd bought me at my friend's house. I can understand why she did it and how depressed she was at the time. The point is I remember both times and she said sorry, it was her failing not mine. Dad never hit us, no matter how much we goaded him. And we were bloody awful to him sometimes. Smacking is never about discipline or teaching a lesson. It is always a loss of control and the least effective form of 'behaviour management'. I respect my mum more for admitting she got it wrong.

I still feel resentful about it, and about being labelled 'difficult' and therefore deserving of violence. I was an academically high-achieving, reliable child, who worried about our finances and therefore asked for as little as possible, including attention. There was nothing loving about a complete loss of control ending in a screaming adult chasing me into my room, hitting out left and right and blaming me for breaking anything I happened to fall on when hit. It's one of the many things which has left me emotionally cold towards my mother. She has never apologised for it either.

matana smacking is about discipline and is nothing about losing control.

matana smacking is about discipline and is nothing about losing control.

That inflammatory comment would be far better made on a thread of its own as the majority will disagree with you and the ensuing debate will hijack this one.

My mother used to get my father to smack me, bare bottomed. He didn't hold back either. He used to do my mother's bidding. It was from age 3-ish until I pushed my mum as she came towards me aged 14. It was normally for something trivial.

I class it as abuse. My mother denies it ever happened. I have never raised a hand to my DCs as I swore I never would. They are the most wonderful, inspirational DCs (both teens) and proof that smacking is not necessary.

In a way it helps to know that other, otherwise good parents, have selective memories when it comes to having hit their (now grown up) children.

I don't think your parents should have hit you repeatedly. Your dad certainly should not have used his belt on you.

My parents are the generation where smacking was acceptable. Some of my teachers smacked and, at my high school, the belt (across the palm) was used as punishment. There were definitely one or two teachers who used the belt abusively.

What I don't think is acceptable is that my mother used to slap me around the face (and often threatened to) when I was a teen. I still resent her for that. Basically, I don't think either of my parents were very good at disciplining us. The slaps were often for trivial offences, such as spilling some tea or something like that. God help anyone who messes up my mother's tidy house...

Kareninsgirl So sorry you went through that, it was abuse. Sending you hugs.

I am 50 and was smacked as a child, The pain and humiliation I felt are only one part of the reason why my relationship with my parents is so bad, but I have certainly never forgiven them for the smacking.

Thank you happyhev

I am sorry for all of you who went through this too, it was so wrong. Sounds like we all had similar experiences with regard to making it stop.