DP & Boys left - utterly broken

[midlandslurker]

Sorry If I ramble.

Dp has just left and taken our DS's (11&3) to his mums.

I would have gone,but I have nowhere and no one.

Everything,the happy family life I dreamed of is over

It hurts to breath and i really don't know if I can face a life without them.

He's a brilliant dad hence the reason why the boys are with him - I'm really falling apart and I couldn't have functioned enough for them - they deserve better.

Me and DP have had our problems - he has never made to first move in bed despite me telling him that this has left me feeling unloved and ugly this has lead to low self esteem and I feel worthless.This has gone on for years - despite him telling me that "things will change" and he'll make more of an effort.

My defence mechanism has been to tell him that I don't know if I love him and that he'd be the last bloke on earth I'd shag.

This has led to a vicious circle and the result is we've decided not to go on any more - it hurts more than anything ever has done before.

I Has my last DS at 42 and feel as if my life is over - all i have is a crappy p/t job,my mum died last bastard breast cancer last year,my lovely dad died 6 years ago - I have no other family and no close friends (only work colleagues) and a couple of running buddies.

Bloody Tesco are due to deliver this weeks shopping - for a family that I no longer have.

God it hurts

Thanks for listening

Oh darlin', I'm so sorry.

Take a few days to get your head together and start focusing on being strong for your boys. They are the most important thing. Will he make access difficult?

Oh Midlands, just try to take one step at a time. Have you any friends or know anyone who has a firm shoulder to lean on? If you don't then you can have a firm load of shoulders on here.

A big hug and a box of tissues. This is going to be the hardest part to get through.

Thank you - you just made me cry.

No, I know he won't make access difficult.

I feel to utterly devastated that I really can't face the thought of seeing them and then having to say good bye,its a reminder of all that I've lost.

I know that sounds selfish, I suppose it just re-enforces what a shit person I must really be.

You're not a shit person. You sound depressed with low self esteem. It's time to really do some work on yourself. My marriage has just broken down...that is what I'm going to do. If you feel there are things you want to change about yourself, then do something. Go and see a GP and discuss your feelings. It'll be really hard at first to say goodbye to them, but it will get easier. When you're calmer you need to come up with an access agreement that you can all work with.

Take a few days...be sad, cry, get it all out. It needs to be done, don't beat yourself up for feeling like this when it's still so raw. I have no doubt that my DH is feeling like shit at the moment for not seeing his DD. This is the first day, allow yourself time to grieve, then focus on yourself and getting better, with a view to being a strong and happy Mum, which is what your children need.

You are their mummy, I bet you are a great mum and as Scarlet says you need that self-esteem boosting up and then you'll be a happier mum.

You're in a bad place now but it won't last for ever. There are lots of midlands mumsnetters if you need any practical help.
Your gp can help if these feelings continue, there's no shame in asking for help if you need it. I had a really tough time when I split up with exh but I'm through the other side now. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment but you will get through this.
I'm in the midlands, feel free to pm me if you want some help or just to chat.

I'm sorry you're so down on yourself and that he's crushed the spirit out of you. Please get some RL help from friends if you don't have much close family. And do get legal advice as soon as possible. A 3yo shouldn't be apart from their mum, no matter how good Dad is.

kotinka

This has been going on for years. I just wanted him to make an effort and to do what he said he would. Every time I bought the subject of the lack of sex and him initiating things he told me that he loved me and would make more of an effort and that he didn't want to loose me - only things never changed. We have had this conversation 100's of times .We even went to relate 5 years ago and although it did make a difference for a while things slipped back.

About 6 years ago I stupidly met up with an old boyfriend- I had been out on a work do and I knew that he'd find me attractive and want to sleep with me. The sole purpose of this was for an ego boost - nothing happened between us and I later told DP (in an argument) I suppose that I really wanted it to be a wake up call for him.

I just wanted to feel loved and less he gave the more I pushed him away.

its as if we'd both hit the self destruct button - its now gone on too long and there is no going back.

There's no going back for your marriage, perhaps. But that was on the cards way before you met the old boyfriend. There is a lot to fight for with your kids, though. This situation is all wrong.

OP your children should be with you, especially the 3 YO. the 11 year old can make up his own mind i guess, but they must both be bewildered and wondering what the hells going on. personally if this was me my DH, and DH was leaving, over my dead body would he also be walking out with our kids. but i am aware not everyone will agree with me there and i am also guessing you have your reasons for allowing him to take them. i'd have let him leave and sorted out access later

hugs to you though, what a shitty situation, it sounds like dp has made you feel unloved for years so its just eroded your love for him in return, hence the looking for attention from someone else :(

Thank you all so much for your support.

I don't think that i cried this much when my mum died

I feel a little less alone now - I have no RL support.

The thing Is I come across as strong and confident but on the inside i find it hard to deal with rejection. I was adopted at birth and although Knew that my parents loved me and gave me a wonderful childhood I often wonder if this is the reason why.

At the moment i cant eat or sleep and had to leave work early as I couldn't do my job. I just want it to all be ok.

OP

I agree with those saying your children should be with you, he had no right to take them away. You sound like a fantastic mother and you also sound like you are still mourning the loss of your dm which is normal after only a year.
Please don't be hard on yourself, yes your marriage was over before you met your old bf and is irrelevant to your relationship with your dc.
Please make sure you the dc are back with you soon, as the longer he has them the harder it will be to get them back with you. I know you probably thought they would be better with your dh but why would they be?
Huge hugs to you and so sorry you are going through this.

OP, have read your last post and will pm you.

Hugs from here. Been through a break up and it hurts. Take each day as it comes and agree to help from anyone. Try and talk to dP.

You came to the right place this evening - what a shame things didn't work out but there is no way this makes you a shit person. Your ex knows this. Whatever stopped him reaching for you physically affected you deeply and at some level he knew this but was too weak to address it fully so how is this your fault?

You are a warm loving good person. Your lovely boys know it. I don't know what to suggest except for now keep putting one foot in front of the other annd take one day at a time. Work, run, see your DSs, function.

Hi midlandslurker. Please tell some of your RL people - your colleagues and running buddies. Try not to put too brave a face on it and let them know you are struggling. You will be amazed just how many acquaintances/colleagues will step up and become true friends at a time in need. A lot of people are just looking for an opening to take a friendship to a new level. Trust me - this is how things were when DH1 and I split. Before that I would have said that I did not really have anyone in RL but people were amazing and gave me faith.

I hope you get yourself together and rebuild your esteem to have confidence in yourself that you are the great mother that I am sure you can be (and are).

Are you receiving treatment for your depression?
You say you 'couldn't have functioned' for your children, and that they 'deserve better.' Is this your opinion or is it something you've heard a lot and now believe?
It sounds like you've been in a hideous situation for a long time and need support to get yourself believing you're the best mum your dcs could have.
Please don't feel this is the end of anything as far as your boys are concerned; see your gp/health visitor, ask for help.
It's as if you're being punished for not being well; that's not the best outcome for anyone, least of all your dcs.

I'm so sorry.

Thinking practically, am I right in thinking you have remained in the family home (rented or mortgaged? Whose name(s)?) ... so therefore the boys are only temporarily staying with your mil. A solicitor will advise they be returned to the family home - so sit put and consult a solicitor first thing monday. Are you the main carer normally?

Thank you.

Everyone's words of support are truly getting me through this evening,I honestly think that I'd be doing a brittany and cutting my hair off or worse !!

I feel undeserving of it all especially after reading other peoples stories who have gone through so much more.

Midland

You are most deserving love, you are going through hell just stay around here and lots of people will help and give you support.
I would also like to ask (if that is ok) why you think you couldn't have functioned properly for them, this suggests that you have been doing well up until now.
Do you mean without your dh?

fairylea Yes i'm in the family home - I own it outright,but its in my sole name as i bought it under the right to buy from a sole tenancy ( was able to do this due to an inheritance) I am in the process of also buying a buy to let and my first thought would be to move in there and DP and the DS's move back in here.

morethan
I suppose I feel that I just want to curl up and die. At the moment Its a struggle just to put one foot in front of the other. Despite our differences we were a team when it came to parenting.

That's horrible love, just for tonight you could do an hour at a time or even a minute at a time if that's too much.