DP & Boys left - utterly broken

[midlandslurker]

Sorry If I ramble.

Dp has just left and taken our DS's (11&3) to his mums.

I would have gone,but I have nowhere and no one.

Everything,the happy family life I dreamed of is over

It hurts to breath and i really don't know if I can face a life without them.

He's a brilliant dad hence the reason why the boys are with him - I'm really falling apart and I couldn't have functioned enough for them - they deserve better.

Me and DP have had our problems - he has never made to first move in bed despite me telling him that this has left me feeling unloved and ugly this has lead to low self esteem and I feel worthless.This has gone on for years - despite him telling me that "things will change" and he'll make more of an effort.

My defence mechanism has been to tell him that I don't know if I love him and that he'd be the last bloke on earth I'd shag.

This has led to a vicious circle and the result is we've decided not to go on any more - it hurts more than anything ever has done before.

I Has my last DS at 42 and feel as if my life is over - all i have is a crappy p/t job,my mum died last bastard breast cancer last year,my lovely dad died 6 years ago - I have no other family and no close friends (only work colleagues) and a couple of running buddies.

Bloody Tesco are due to deliver this weeks shopping - for a family that I no longer have.

God it hurts

Thanks for listening

How sad. Thinking of you. Could you try something like marriage guidance together or is it too late?

It's good you own the house. Please don't be too quick to move out. Although you feel it's best for your boys to be with their dad right now this could change. Certainly you'll be having regular access, right? And in a few months, when you are stronger, you might want 50:50 custody. At any rate please don't make such a huge decision when you're feeling devastated.

Have a hug from me (I never give hugs). There is a lot in your post that I can relate to.

Ok so the house is in your name. Stay put. Do not do anything except visit the solicitor. Change the locks (which you can do as dh is not on the deeds) and do not give dh a key). Ask solicitor to write a letter asking the children be returned to the family home, their home, which is in your name. You are in a much stronger position than you realise but you must act quickly to avoid dh setting up a new home with the dc and that becoming their place of residency.

Sorry to be so awfully practical. Just worth getting these things sorted quickly.

I know you are feeling rock bottom right now but please be strong, this can be sorted.

Oh op...hugs to you.

I agree that your 3 year old needs you... Your 11yo does too. You're their mummy. They need you and they are your family. I think you need to get help for your depression and low self esteem and then get access sorted.

Don't give up...build your life the way you want it to be. Xx

Fairy lea....great post. Op, read these ladies advice...they'll see you through this. You can do this. We 're all here rooting for you xx

Where abouts in the midlands are you?

Just to reassure you a bit, a friend of mine recently found out her dh was having an affair and he left their home to set up with his new woman. She is part of a choir who all know each other a bit, not well, and she was overwhelmed when they all rallied round and took her out, went to her house and brought food because she couldn't eat, checked how she was via Facebook etc.

Do tell some people, not everyone will be able to support you but you never know where support will come from.

Can I ask, is the absence of your boys a temporary thing? Is the plan that they come back to you soon? It's really hard for children to be without their mothers, even if on the outside they show no signs. I hope everything feels a little better soon.

It sounds like you and your DP are still ale to talk amicably. How would he feel about joint custody? How do the kids feel? It may be that they would prefer to be in familiar surroundings and I think you both sound sensible enough to sort this out so that they are not disrupted too much.

Breaking up sounds like the right thing, something is wrong in your relationship and would tell a man the same thing.

You will get through this but it doesn't make sense for you to be without your children permanently unless there's some reason why that you haven't mentioned.

Bold: *CogitoErgoSometimes" - A 3yo shouldn't be apart from their mum, no matter how good Dad is.

That's just the patriarchy talking.

Agree with the advice to get to a GP and to a solicitor and to tell people in RL. DC need BOTH parents, and DC will be missing their mum and their home if this is more than a temporary separation. You sound like you have had an unbelievably difficult few years and you need support.

Don't know about the legalities but your children do need to be with their mother. Remember it is his actions that have made you feel the way you cannot cope.
Your dc need to be in their own home with their mother. As I say I do not know the legalities but if he has the children he might just be able to ask you to leave your own home so that he can move back in with them.
I might be a cynical bitch and be completely way off mark but from what you have said it does sound like he has been engineering this argument for years. He has been paying lip service to your needs and watching you go down hill because of how his inaction has made you feel.
Can only send you hugs and tell you what other MNters have said about getting a solicitor.
You have your own home, a BTL property, a job (even if it is a crappy one), a couple of running buddies and MN. You have a lot going for you.

Patriarchy? All I'm picking up from the OP's posts is that two children, one very young, have been whisked away from their mother, there's no mention of shared parenting and the OP sounds so defeated and so low they seem to think it's quite normal and for the best. It just doesn't sound right to me

My defence mechanism has been to tell him that I don't know if I love him and that he'd be the last bloke on earth I'd shag.

This is an awful thing to say. Imagine how you would feel if he said this to you? OP, we need to sort ourselves out, we can't rely on other people to 'fix' us.

It sounds like your self esteem has taken a battering for years.

Do not let him take the kids if this stems from a deep down feeling of inadequacy.
You're a good mother.
Don't let your dh take advantage of your low mood and present himself as the sole carer.
Fight for your boys. Now is the time, they need you!

Contact a solicitor today and do not move out of our home.

After a difficult nights sleeps partly fuelled by nearly a whole bottle of vino (don't normally drink) I'm going from complete anger (at him) to feeling utterly hopeless.

DP text and says he still loves me - I just don't know what I feel anymore and as millymollymandy(I loved those books) pointed out he's "paid lip service to my needs for years" its not as if this is the first time he's become aware of the problem and my feelings are that if he really loved me he'd have done something about it. I actually once showed him a link on here,it was on a thread about a sexless relationship,the link detailed how devastating it was for the rejected partner,how it led to low self-esteem and feeling worthless.He read it and said "I know how you feel" and I'll try harder.
The excuses that I've had over the years have ranged from "I don't know what to do to fix things ?" to you "scare me"

I just wanted to say that DP took the boys on my suggestion - I know that sounds truly awful. I really don't think that there will ever be any problems in regard to coming to an amicable arrangement,we will always do whats best for the boys and put them first whatever.

I feel so bereft at the loss of what should have been a happy "perfect family" life - one where both parents are happy and together and at the moment i really cannot think beyond that.

There have been several mentions of depression and seeing my GP - do I sound depressed, is it that obvious ? It actually makes sense and probably I've been suffering for years.

The weather here is bloody awful but at least It gives me an excuse not to leave the house- don't feel ready to face real life.

tiredemma I'm in Nottingham.

Thank you again everyone. I really am quite humbled by your support - everyone who has taken the time to post makes me feel a little less alone.

Morning midlandslurker. Good to hear you got through the night. Keep cosy warm and just think about you and your boys. The rest can wait a little.

Hi midlands. Are your boys back with you now? Update please. Thinking of you.

The OP said that she suggested that her ex take the children. She can't cope taking care of them at the moment. Stop making the ex the bad guy for taking the children. They are in the best place at the moment.

op yes you sound depressed and you need to go to your GP and get some help - counselling for a start.

it sounds like you've made the best decision for your DC right now and you trust you DP, and he is an equal parent to you.

but of course you shoull make sure you see them very soon and establish a pattern of regular conact with them - so maybe fifty fifty or alternate weekends or whatever you can manage right now. maybe one hour each day is better for you and them right now? rather than whole day on your own if you don t feel you can cope?

are they nearby to you geographically?

what support do you ahve - friends, other family, etc? someone who you can talk to and help you thru this fog. maybe be with you when you have the kids so you dont get overwhelmed?