A silly argument?

[Blossomflowers]

This is probably going to sound petty but for some reason I am really annoyed. Basically I just don't understand why DP seems to want to spanner in the works. Anytime I make a suggestion he comes up with reasons why I/we should not do it. Latest thing is I want to buy a kitten have always wanted a fluffy "james bond cat" if you know the one I mean, I am paying for it and I will look after it, I was really excited. But DP is coming up with all the reason why I should not get it, "it will leave hairs everywhere", err well you would not know one end of the hoover to the other, "what will happen when we go on holiday" ( err it will go to the cattery),( which I will pay for). I suppose what makes it worse if that every animal we have he has gone out and got, without even discussing it, we have a little dog, but I am the one who looks after her, takes her for walks, buys her food. When I bought a lovely Highland terrier many years ago( which discussed with him pre getting it) he moaned so much about her that I had to get her rehoused. I am getting the cat regardless but he has spoilt the experience. I know it sound silly but I just don't get why he reacts like this.

Have you tried asking him directly why it is all right for the family to have a pet that he bought but not one that you bought?

I used to be desperate for a dog when I was young, but my dad was totally against the idea. After I left to get married (and keep far too many dogs!) he bought a puppy for my brother, who had never expressed any interest in having one. I can only conclude that it was because my dad was an awkward sod.

neither of you should be bringing pets into a house without the agreement of the other. Especially with a history of rehoming them for spurious reasons.
You both sound very childish.

Thanks Annie, yes I did ask him why he thinks it ok for him to bring animals in ( and I don't really mind I like animals) we have a cottage in the country and big garden. His reply "well is it was up me I would rid of dog" err we have had her for 7 years don't you think that is bit mean. He was the same about DS getting fucking fish ( and I mean a small tank in his bedroom) DP walked out on us in Feb ( gone for 2 months) another story, so I bought DS his fish tank which loves and takes very good care of. I think he is being unreasonable but maybe I am over reacting?

pepp thanks but I actually don't think I am being childish. I did discuss getting the dog ( this was many many years ago and fwiw I would not do that now, but at the time it really was not worth the grief, she went to a lovely home.

Does he do this 'pissing on bonfires' thing with other projects that you're enthusiastic about? Or is it just confined to the cat?

Sadly not just the cat . Like holiday's, we will discuss and then he will come up with all the reasons why we should not go, normally after I booked it , again taking the shine off the whole experience It is really irritating. Me getting a cat will have no impact on him so can;t figure out what is problem is.

It sounds like there is a lot to more this that you are writing here.
Why did he leave in February?
Why did you take him back?
Where there any consequences for him when he left.
Did you put down some ground rules for his return.
The more you write, the more I do not like the sound of your DH. I have no idea why - I'm just getting a 'feeling' about him.

Maybe he'll sod off again for 2 months. Get the cat whilst he's away.

And have a really hard think about what you want your future to look like. My apologies if all that hits the wrong note (as you have not posted about why you split/reconciled), but on info in this thread he looks inconsiderate (at best).

H did not want us to get a kitten, though DS, DD and I were all in agreement that we should. I saw no reason why his veto should outweigh the wishes of the rest of the family.

17 years later DCat is enjoying retirement with me, and H is an ExH.

I think the 'feeling' is that he's a miserable bugger who is back in the family reluctantly (under sufferance?) and would rather create a bad atmosphere than come out and say straight what his problem is

this is the story tho isnt it?
"DP walked out on us in Feb ( gone for 2 months) another story"

focus on that part of the story then decide what you want more - cat or P ?

oh dear...he doesn't like anything which isn't his idea, does he? the fish was your gift to your child and he hates it. the previous dog was yours and he hated it. the cat will be yours and he will make its life a misery.

he is a selfish child....

His reasons for not getting a cat are all relevant - but they also apply to a dog and yet this is OK?

it has been said that a hatred of animals is a bad sign. i think it has a lot to do with the time and affection they require. Some people don't like their partner to spend time with an animal, when they want to spend time with them.

it is jealousy because you love something other than him.

I am tempted to tell you not to get the cat because he is bound to treat it badly - but i am more tempted to tell you to get the cat and ditch the husband.

hell I will try an answer your questions. He left because we were not getting on, lack of sex, his mh problems, drinking too much, bla bla. We agreed that that things needed to change and now he does do more house work, helps with decorating, cut his drinking down, on AD's so thing certainly have improved. But I can feel things slipping and if I am honest, I keep a bit part of myself back now as I cannot trust that he will not walk out a again. We have been together 20 years it is a long time.

My Ex would not let me have a cat. I (eventually) got rid of him and got two kittens :)

I am much happier now :)

Twenty years is a long time but can you do this for another 20?

what ah he would never hurt or mistreat an animal. This is the weird part, when we had have out poor old cat down in the summer, her sat up at night with him when he was dying, he actually really likes animals. Any thinks DS fish are great. And today I have to have my mums dog put down ( I look after her when she is away on holiday) he is being really supportive and finishing work early to take her to the vets. He is a contradiction.

I'm sorry you are having to have such a horrible day Blossom
It sounds like he is trying to change. I really hope it is all OK.
But as Cogito says, do you want to live like this for the next 20 years?

cog hell If I am honest I don't know. I think might be my age making me evaluate everything. One thing I did decide wheb he came back is that I need to build a life for myself. This year I have started studying French again, joined a gym and building friendships. I do find it difficult to make friends partly because I work at home, but I getting there. I always thought he was my best friend but not so sure now., AND I am getting the fucking kitten on Sunday whether he likes it or not, but I can guarantee once she is here we will be fighting for cuddles.

My feeling is that he uses this grumpy, contrary behaviour to get attention. Brilliant move to build a more independent life for yourself and widen your social circle but I suspect he sees it as a threat... taking you away from him. Not your fault of course and a very childish reaction on his part. I'm not seeing 'best friend' I'm afraid.

I made the mistake in investing all my emotions into him. I phrased it badly I know he is not my best friend anymore. I need to become emotionally independant if he can not handle that then tough titty. I am never going to be vunerable like again, it will take a long time to build trust again and sadly he is doing a piss poor job in helping this with his silly comments

When you say 'investing all my emotions' do you mean you've been too preoccupied with trying to keep this man happy/stable?

Recently yes probably but in the past we were a great team. He has always been a bit of an emotional retard. Since coming back he has made improvements I thing the AD's have really helped. Isn't funny how having and argument getting a kitten makes you start to evaluate things.

It's often the small, 'last straw' stuff that shows up how ridiculous a particular behaviour pattern has become. Maybe you have to point this out to him. e.g. How are we supposed to live together for the next XYZ years when we can't even do something as ordinary and fun as getting a kitten without it resulting in a miserable atmosphere?

Normally, I'd say that if one partner is against having animals (of the sort that leaves hairs, makes a mess, jumps on you or smell) at home, then that partner wins.
However, if he has been happy to bring a dog in without discussing it with you, you are perfectly entitled to bring a cat without discussing it either.
Unless he specifically hates cats.

Having said that, I'd really evaluate the relationship. Ultimately, if a cat makes you happy and this relationship doesn't, guess who should win.

From what you say, it seems more that he likes to be in control. In control of you. And not so much that he has a problem with animals. Think about it.

Have you told him that he's sucking all the joy out of life for you? That's how it sounds to me (actually it's what you've said ) and it's not something I could put up with. Life is far too short not to relish the tiny joyful things.
He doesn't sound all bad IMO, so I'd hesitate to say LTB unless you really have had enough. But I'd definitely lay all this on the line for him. It's no fun living in a joy vacuum. I know, I've done it.