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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I change myself?

43 replies

Ownteethandhair · 10/10/2013 17:50

My DH is a bit of an introvert and has little in the way of conversation, hobbies or interests. He is a well educated person with two degrees and a well paid job but not much interest in anything else. Every so often he will talk about a new enthusiasm - sailing, caravanning etc - and I pounce on the idea and try to progress it in the hope that we can find something to do together and have something to plan and talk about.
However, when it comes to actually doing anything concrete about these ideas my DH always has a reason/excuse why he hasn't done anything.
I get frustrated with his lack of initiative.
He says he feels 'overwhelmed' by me, says I am clever, funny, go-getting etc and he can't compete. He won't do anything himself but feels threatened by me having ideas and wanting to make things happen.
I feel as though I have to try and make myself less, smaller than I am IYSWIM. He is only hope at weekends but I am finding his apathetic attitude is making me feel depressed around him.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/10/2013 17:54

Don't "change yourself"

That is madness

Ownteethandhair · 10/10/2013 17:54

Who's mad?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/10/2013 17:56

It would be madness to try and bring yourself down.

EdithWeston · 10/10/2013 17:58

Don't change yourself.

What did you like doing, before you started trying to guess what he might
Like? Any reason why you can't do it again?

BooCanary · 10/10/2013 18:00

OP do not change yourself.
I am loud, generally upbeat and outgoing. My DH is quiet, verging on downbeat and an introvert.
But we mostly get on well, and suit each other in a funny kind of way.
The only real options for you are to accept how he is, or leave him. Changing yourself or him is not fair, and unlikely to work anyway.

Ownteethandhair · 10/10/2013 18:02

I feel caught in some kind of double-blind with DH. If I take over he says I am 'bossy' and if I take a back seat and try to encourage him to be more proactive he says I am pushing him. We do very little together, have nothing to talk about at weekends and never have joint plans or projects.

OP posts:
Ownteethandhair · 10/10/2013 18:05

Edith..I do things - cinema, theatre tec - alone or with friends during the week and have just redecorated and made improvements to the whole house on my own. I enjoy it but it gets lonely as DH isn't really interested.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2013 18:08

Definitely don't change yourself. Especially not for the sake of someone who a) doesn't seem to like you for who you are, b) clearly doesn't want to have joint plans with you and c) keeps moving the goalposts. AF is quite right... don't bring yourself down.

Do you have a good group of friends/family? Do you have a job? Hobbies? You'll probably end up one of those couples who end up living very separate lives alongside rather than with each other.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2013 18:11

x-posted. You can't drag this horse to water and you certainly won't be able to make him drink...

NatashaBee · 10/10/2013 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 10/10/2013 18:14

Do you love him ? Does he love you ?

Not every couple has a lot of social life in common, and that's ok if it suits all concerned. If you are unhappy and frustrated though, I don't think the answer if to lower yourself to the common denominator.

AnyFucker · 10/10/2013 18:14

*is

Thistledew · 10/10/2013 18:16

My DH can be a little like this in that I am most often the one to take the initiative to try something new. I tend to decide that I will do X, suggest that DH comes too, but not put any pressure on him to do so. Sometimes he will decide not to come with me at first but then when he sees me having fun will decide to have a go himself. I think putting pressure on him to join me or organising him too much would have the opposite effect. Even if he decides he doesn't want to join me, it will be something that I enjoy doing for myself.

Ownteethandhair · 10/10/2013 18:22

Thanks all. Trouble is I don't really like myself very much I think. I feel as though I am turning into an abusive bully who is angry all the time. He sits there is silence while I wind myself into a fizz of frustration. Last weekend I shouted at him that he was a f..... c...! Ashamed afterwards and feel even worse about myself. We are in two roles where I am the angry, nagging shrew and he is Mr Good, Kind and Wonderful. Everyone else thinks he is lovely. Apart from my dad who says DH has no personality at all.

OP posts:
Ownteethandhair · 10/10/2013 18:23

...in silence...

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2013 18:25

How long have you been married? Has he always been like this? Has something changed recently that has made you notice this more or made you more annoyed than normal, or is it the result of a long time beating your head against this personality-free brick wall?

AnyFucker · 10/10/2013 18:27

Why did you marry him ?

Ownteethandhair · 10/10/2013 18:33

Have been together 17 years. Both married before, my DS was only 7 and he has been a good step-dad, abusive relationships in past, thought I could make a go of things. That's it really. He's always been the same I guess but now it's just the two of us I am terrified of getting old with someone I can't talk to. Even after all these years I feel awkward around him, as though I am with someone I just met at the bus stop ifswim. All my fault I guess for not having the courage to leave a long time ago. Have no other family, apart from DS.

OP posts:
Ownteethandhair · 10/10/2013 18:34

..mum and dad dead now.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2013 18:39

So the change is that your DS no longer lives there and you've realised you're saddled with Mr Boring. Are you thinking you'll have to 'LTB'?

Ownteethandhair · 10/10/2013 18:46

Not sure I am brave enough to LTB - that's why I have been trying to be more tolerant/patient/nicer. Anyway, it might not be him, could be that I am not very nice. Feel mean thinking of him as Mr Boring - though is very dull company.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 10/10/2013 18:55

Don't change yourself. You sound great

Have you talked to him (instaed of the shouting?) and told him just how close you are to LTD (Leaving the Dullard)?

Itstartshere · 10/10/2013 18:57

I think it's pretty common for people leaving abusive relationships to seek out someone very safe. Trouble is, that's no good if you end up being bored and miserable. He sounds so dull and your situation sounds very lonely. Can you remember why you fell for him originally? I really would consider leaving him, I couldn't live like that, and as you say you're resorting to getting angry which isn't fair on him.

Ownteethandhair · 10/10/2013 19:22

BitOut..thanks for that but don't feel I'm great. Have talked about how I feel to DH for ever but he just says he doesn't know what to talk to me about. Did LTD some years ago but was persuaded to come back and try again.
Itstarts...always feel that being bored and miserable is my fault for being too critical (he says) and not grateful enough. Can't remember falling for him, just sort of drifted together. Hate being angry and have never felt like it before even when XH1 was violent.
I can see that we are in a very dysfunctional marriage.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 10/10/2013 19:44

Well don't let him sap the "great" out of you OP

Perhaps you could come nd redo my house. You know, as a project Wink