How do I change myself?

[Ownteethandhair]

My DH is a bit of an introvert and has little in the way of conversation, hobbies or interests. He is a well educated person with two degrees and a well paid job but not much interest in anything else. Every so often he will talk about a new enthusiasm - sailing, caravanning etc - and I pounce on the idea and try to progress it in the hope that we can find something to do together and have something to plan and talk about.
However, when it comes to actually doing anything concrete about these ideas my DH always has a reason/excuse why he hasn't done anything.
I get frustrated with his lack of initiative.
He says he feels 'overwhelmed' by me, says I am clever, funny, go-getting etc and he can't compete. He won't do anything himself but feels threatened by me having ideas and wanting to make things happen.
I feel as though I have to try and make myself less, smaller than I am IYSWIM. He is only hope at weekends but I am finding his apathetic attitude is making me feel depressed around him.

I don't share interests with DH, I don't know any female who has an interest in his hobby. He isn't interested in my hobbies.

I don't think sharing hobbies would work in our case as we would both want to be the 'expert'.

I don't know many couples with the same interests.

Well he might be Mrs Boring for you but Mr Exciting for someone else. It doesn't mean you are wrong and the other person is right. Just that your interests are different.

The reason why you are getting angry is frustration. Frustration at the situation. At trying to change things and seeing no difference. At in effect being told that it's you who has an issue/has a problem/ in some ways has a 'defect' and he is the nice quiet perfect guy who never says anything at all.
Well you know what, not talking can be just as aggressive as shouting...

I am afriad that there are only 2 ways there.
Either, in some ways, you get to accept that you are going to live your lifes in paralell and just meet at specific points during the day.the week.
Or, refuse to have so little connection and leave the man.

You said he has two degrees yet has hardly any hobbies or interests. I find that odd. He has successfully pursued several years of study at university. He must have been interested in the subjects he studied, surely, and took his interest in them to a very advanced level.
Has he still any enthusiasm or interest in these subjects? Are they academic subjects like mathematics or modern languages, for instance, aspects of which can interest one forever; or is it more like business administration, etc. which seems a lot duller to me.
Have you any interest in his degree subjects?
If he has hardly any interests and nothing much to say how does he actually spend his free time then? As I said, I find the 'emptiness' in the way he lives, according to your description, very strange. It just doesn't tie in with a very intelligent man with two degrees. But maybe I'm wrong.
Sounds like you intimidate him with your drive and ability, but why should you? He had enough drive to get not just one but two degrees! Has he changed a lot over the years, I wonder.

Viewer..he is an IT systems engineer and his degrees were in software engineering. Not really subjects I know anything about. He works away and does long hours 4 days a week and has three-day weekend. In fine weather he likes going for long walks in the countryside and pub lunches. That's it really. TV in the evenings. He says he would like to travel more, take up sailing or whatever but never gets down to making it a reality. Says he lacks confidence or can't really be bothered.

It really does sound as though you'll either have to be content with doing your projects and being energetic without including him. Leave him to his quiet weekends or whatever and pursue your own interests. It's how my energetic DM has managed to last 50+ years with my DF. However, because she's chosen this route and does nothing but snipe at him and complain about his inactivity, tbh everyone's fed up hearing about it and gives the pair of them a wide berth.

YOu sound essentially mismatched. You really shouldn't shout at him or call him names because he is doing what he wants to do. The fact you don't like doing those things isn't really his fault.

Certainly you should keep trying to find some middle ground - a project or hobby which you can enjoy together. But don't push him into doing it, if really he is happy as he is.

Your role as a loving wife is to support your husband in his pursuits. you don't have to like them or even get involved. I fear that he comes up with an idea and then you take over - pushing him until he feels like it is no longer his idea and it has become what you wanted it to be.

The next time he has an idea, be supportive and if he changes his mind - that is his right.

it sounds to me like you have plenty to keep you busy - why must you keep him busy too?

Last weekend I shouted at him that he was a f..... c...!

At first I was going to say absolutely don't change yourself, but perhaps you do need to moderate some aspects of your behaviour? Perhaps talk to your husband kindly and learn to manage your anger in a more responsible way (imagine if a man had posted what you just have).

What does your husband do whilst you are out being social and active? Isn't it possible to enjoy your day separately and then value each others' company over dinner in the evening?

Takes note and will try to be a better, loving wife.

Interesting that you latch onto the one post which enables you to say "will try to be a better, loving wife" (which, by the way, was not I think what Vivacia was trying to say, rather she was saying "respect him as a fellow human being").

I think most of us are asking you to take note and consider the possibility that you're just fundamentally unsuited to one another and would be better off (both of you) being free to look for people who did suit you. Leaving him could in fact be an act of respect for your mutually incompatible personalities rather than an act of cruelty to him. And remember that you don't have to both find new partners: living alone is perfectly OK - I do it (well, sans adult company, I have a small son), it's nice, not scary!

Yep Lurcio, I wasn't saying turn into a Stepford Wife, I was saying talk to him with some respect.

If you both took up landscape drawing and painting as beginners it could involve you doing a lot together - going out and about to art exhibitions, going to tuition classes together, getting out into the countryside sketching, then turning them into paintings at home, setting up a little art studio at home, going on 'art' holidays together, meeting others with a similar interest and socialising with them.
Being creative and producing your own simple, but original, work... it can be very satisfying to create something no matter how modest your achievements are.
Also, art would be a nice contrast to his type of work. I wonder if this - or some similar brand new interest - would have any appeal for you (both)?

And it could/would involve photography, of course, and learning computer art - Adobe photoshop, Corel Painter, etc. - as well.. Specialised art holidays with expert tuition and socialising must be nice.
Getting quite enthusiastic here!

I agree with don't change yourself, at least not fundamentally.

However, if he shows enthusiasm for a new hobby, I'd stay out.
For him it may be "his thing", where he can get his space and something to tell you about.
If you consider joining up, it's likely that he takes a step down in relation to your more outgoing personality.

You do have to accept him for how he is and may possibly learn how to listen a bit more.
Does he like to hear you talk, or does he try to escape from it?

I wish my partner liked going for long walks in the countryside :(

I would concentrate on finding a hobby/passion for yourself and see how you feel then. You might be focusing too much on doing something together when its perfectly OK to do things separately as a couple. IMHO it's healthier.

OP, you said "I feel caught in some kind of double-blind with DH. If I take over he says I am 'bossy' and if I take a back seat and try to encourage him to be more proactive he says I am pushing him. "

Can't you see that both these things are trying to control him? You either take over or "try to encourage him to be more proactive" which is pushing him isn't it? Is it impossible for you to stop being controlling and take the pressure off? You're not his boss, you're his wife. Just let him breathe a bit. So he has a different personality to your own. Lots of people have different personalities to their spouses/partners and are perfectly happy. They complement and balance each other.

You and your DH seem to have very different ways of thinking, and very different energy levels.

I can imagine this causing frustration for both of you. He perhaps feels that as soon as he displays interest in anything, you are going to pounce and start progressing things. So he doesn't display any interest. Meanwhile you, the more energetic and enthusiastic one, keep meeting a blank wall. You don't want to be a pain so you try to keep a lid on yourself.

This is very sad for both of you.

Perhaps you would benefit from having somewhere to direct your energy and desire for action, because it's a wonderful gift. Can you think of a project that would appeal? I don't know where your skills and enjoyment lie, but entrepreneurship comes to mind, or a social, sports, voluntary or arts project in your area perhaps? Studying?

A project would take the pressure off DH as well. He might start to follow up some of his ideas if you're not there to overlook his progress... or he might join in with what you're doing...or he might do nothing. Who knows. But there is no future in you dampening your natural character just to get off his back. You need something for you, whatever you do about your relationship.

I agree with Gruntfuttock. I have a very proactive, enthusiastic mum, and I'm sometimes envious of her energy (I didn't inherit it). Throughout my life, if I've ever shown an interest in something, she will take my enthusiasm, clasp it to her chest and run with it. E.g. as a child I said I'd enjoyed tennis at a friends house - tennis lessons were promptly booked (one example of many). Things became a chore instead of fun.
I currently have a new interest, she rings me to ask what I've done about it and sends emails with information relating to it so I'm losing interest in it, it's not mine anymore.
Don't try to change yourself, it's wonderful to have that enthusiasm and energy but maybe save it for your interests and let him do things in his own time. He'll then do it (or not) because he wants to do it for himself.