Affair

[BellaLasagna]

I await the flaming.

So I am having an affair with my ex.

I love my husband. We have two children. I can never leave my husband as he is the best father on the planet and I could never let the children be brought up by a web of step parents as I was. I know that if he found out about my infidelity it would of course be a deal breaker.

But after years of being with someone who doesn't love me back, who doesn't really do sex or emotion or anything of any depth I am finally feeling the love/passion/emotions that I used to feel when I was with normal people.

I'm not prepared to sacrifice the stability of my children's lives for the sake of my own happiness. I have made a conscious choice to make my life bearable for the foreseeable future.

And I think I'm starting to not feel guilty about it all.

Wrong thread, sorry

Dear lord - Anyfucker - mumsnet royalty! Sorry, I've been a shameful lurker forever.

Thank you all for your opinions - good or bad.

If you are ok with your situation OP, then why are you seeking approval on here? It seems strange to really

I just wanted to say that I really understand where u coming from. U wont hear a bad word from me.
I 'm just worried about u / it would be lovely if u could be in a happy loving and healthy relationship.

I agree with butterballs.

My parents stayed together for the kids. My father had numerous affairs and I found out in the most dramatic way (mother yelling at father) when I was around 11. It was very unsettling to me and my siblings.

But my father would not abandon the family and my mother swallowed her pride and kept the family together. To this day I am eternally grateful they put their personal needs aside to keep the family unit intact. My siblings and I have happy marriages. It taught me what to avoid in a relationship. But I was not scarred or dyfunctional. I had trust issues with men but that was because of my father's philandering, not because of my parents staying together in a marriage of convenience.

There are far worse things than parents being unhappily married, so long as it is civil. I understand why the OP does not want to introduce chaos into her children's lives and putting her children into a step family scenario. If the trade-off is a business-like marriage, it is not a big deal.

OP, do you think your dh suspects?

My parents divorced when I was 26 and about to have my own child. It fucking hurt. Four years on it still hurts like hell, if I'm honest - I don't really bring this up IRL, because I've no right to demand they stay together unhappily and I'm big and ugly enough to get on with life, but at heart I feel uprooted, like nothing is quite solid enough to count on, like any home I make for myself might disappear from under me. It would be a lot worse if I didn't genuinely believe my parents had wanted to make a life together during my childhood. IME there isn't some magical age at which it stops being a big deal if your parents split up.

Yes but your mother knew your father was as you say 'a philanderer' and she decided to stay despite that knowledge. Just like the OP has decided to stay in a marriage with a bloke she suspects is gay. But her husband doesn't know his wife is having an affair and that's the big difference.

Honestly, despite Butterballs usual rantings and frothings about Mumsnetters, no-one gives a stuff what arrangements couples come to in order to stay in a marriage. But most people do have an opinion on the unfairness of deceit and lies. That's what makes the difference, as always.

If these two want to stay together and get their jollies elsewhere, although it isn't an ideal relationship to model to kids, I can see that the alternatives are not necessarily always better for children (although I think these decisions are nearly always about what's better for the adults and the kids are used as an excuse a lot of the time.)

But this is so transparently not about a mature, adult decision between two people to contract out their sex lives to discreet others. This is just another very ordinary illicit affair that is being kept secret to deny the other person their own choices. Trying to dress it up as anything else is a complete delusion. The most obvious solution to this problem is for the OP to tell her husband what she's doing and for them to come to an agreement.

But she hasn't done that and hasn't responded to goodness knows how many posters suggesting she does, or querying why she hasn't.

So this is just another yawntastic affair- nothing to see here and move on.

My post was to Blueshoes, incidentally.

Of course I wish my life was different.

I'm not sure why I posted here. Possibly out of frustration, possibly because I keep the whole scenario so secret that I don't know anybody other than my ex who knows about this and his perception of things is his own and is therefore clouded/influenced by his own desires. And so I am interested in knowing what other viewpoints are on this.

Those of you who have declared me a coward are possibly right. I am not brave enough to take on the responsibility of devastating the lives of the children. All I dreamt about as a child was that my parents would be together - I craved even having the memories of my parents being together - I only have one vague picture in my mind of this scenario and I'm not sure if this is an imagined picture. My memories of childhood are full of resentment and unhappiness - my experiences were always of not ever quite being wanted because with the best will in the world by step parents would not have chosen to have me there given the choice.

I love OM. But I don't want him to be a 'Father' figure in my children's lives. He is a fantastic dad to his own children by all accounts. But he is not the father of mine. Being great with his own does not qualify him to be a father to mine if that makes sense. I am a good mother to mine - I love them more than anything on the planet but that doesn't mean I should be a great parent to OM's kids. I don't think I would be good in that role. I don't want to be in that role.

As for DH's emotional affairs. I have forgiven him. At the end of all of this I love him, I want him to be ok and happy. The situation is full of deceipt - I no longer have the energy to address. I have tried for years - I spent years being angry with him, feeling cheated, feeling let down. And in the end I suppose I forgave because what else was there to do. I was 'stone-walled', accused of being mad, accused of being everything but sometimes people do not have the capacity or the inclination to confront their issues. And what if DH had said - 'yes, you've caught me - I am gay and I am leaving you to explore that' - would that have been less traumatic for the DCs than nothing has changed? With hindsight, I am relieved that this was not the outcome. To have their dad as an occasional visitor in their lives rather than th permamnent fixture who looks after them.

Perhaps I am scared of the big reveal in case DH makes some decisions and exits. I don't know if he would but is there not a case here for saying 'DH - you promised to love me forever and that I was the only one for you except in reality, you don't feel that way about me and you would actually prefer a quick bunk up with other men. Therefore, you have cheated on me since the start - albeit without intention.' Not wanting to go for the tit for tat argument but this marriage has not lived up to the promises made. In terms of the intention bit - I did not intend to be having an affair with my ex. But 10 years into the marriage and having only had sex on a handful of occasions post vows - what's a girl to do?

Black or white or shades of grey? I understand the moral high ground. I understand the monogamy piece. I understand the viewpoint of those who make step families a good experience for all concerned. I just don't think it's something I am brave enough to bet the happiness of all of us on. At least this way, the kids get to see us all together and our relationships towards each other are loving and respectful and happy. DH and I cuddle and we cuddle the kids. Think 'gay best friend'. We are affectionate just he is not where I get my jollies from as it were. I am away from the children twice a month for a couple of nights at a time when I am genuinely on business and OM comes along and we have a great time and are to all intents and purposes a couple for the time that we are away.

One day - I hope that I will be brave enough to make the jump, but I can't see that this will be anytime soon whilst the kids need us to be together. DD is 7 and DS is 9. I don't know when they won't need us to be together and I am sure that there will be a devastating effect for them even when they are in the 20s. I just think that their childhood shouldn't be clouded with crap decision making by their parents and more so it don't think that my happiness and DH's happiness or even the happiness of OM should come before their rights to a settled, happy childhood where they are adored by both parents rather than 'put up' with by step parents.

Bella, if I were in the situation you were in, I would make the same choice. Your last post resonated with me.

I share your feelings about the sanctity of the original family unit, and would fight tooth and nail to keep it together, even if it is at the expense of my happiness and fulfilment. I prefer not to put my children through a step family situation. I understand what you say about your dh being their father and no one else. The front of a gay best friend marriage is not ideal but very workable and a respectable one for your dcs to live within, much better than a lot of marriages out there. Your relationship is stable and affectionate but not sexual. What dc wants to think of their parents having sex anyway?

Your not telling about your affair is a big risk. You are well aware of that. It could blow up in your face. But will it? Both you and dh are stalemated. I asked whether your dh suspects. He cannot be so stupid as to think you have suddenly given up and gone into celibacy heaven. He knows that if he questions you, you have an equal right to question him about his emotional affairs or worse. Most likely, he does not want to go there because he is in denial. It could be he'd rather you quietly go off and fulfill your sexual needs discreetly than open this can of worms with him.

Let's consider what happens if you do confess to your dh. If he goes off on one, you might bring up how he won't have sex with you. You will question 'why'. This brings his sexuality into the picture. You will bring up his previous emotional affairs with other men. You will bring the sceptre of divorce into the comfortable family unit (which is a shield for his homosexuality). If you divorce him or he divorces you, all that shit will be out there. I'd keep quiet too, if I were you. I'd want to keep everything under wraps too, if I were him. If you stay in the marriage, it is only a bad deal for you (if you are not allowed to have sex) - he has an outwardly happy marriage which gives him a socially acceptable family life but at the expense of your happiness. He is asking you to live a lie and you are an accomplice if you do it. So you go off and find discreet fulfilment and everyone is happier (except possibly OM) and all issues stay below the parapet.

It could work.

It is a calculated risk for you. But if I was a gambling man, I can see why you would take that risk until the children are older ....

What about your dh's right to choose if he wants this set up?

even if it is at the expense of my happiness and fulfilment

Perhaps that naval gazing phrase would be more honest if it were 'even at the expense of my husband's happiness and fulfilment'.

You can't even be honest with yourself, let alone anyone else. But then, you're a cheat, so I suppose no-one should expect honesty.

Fairenuff, you are presuming the OP's dh wants to know. It is not as black and white as that. The OP's circumstances are such that he may not want to go there and might secretly be happy with not knowing.

Her dh may very well prefer to live in happy ignorance because the truth would require him to confront too many things in himself. She takes the risk that she could be wrong, of course. But I would not definitely say that the dh's happiness and fulfilment is at risk from the OP's choices.

Put it this way, the OP is wearing the cheater's tag to spare her husband's feelings and preserve his social respectability and to keep her family intact for as long as she can.

I still think you should go down the 'I love you just the way you are, you are my friend' path, a message of acceptance and space so that if and when he decides to explore that, you have signalled your knowledge and acceptance for a long time. Look at Harold Nicholson and Vita Sackville-West.

Is OM married?

Nothing more to add.However can't help thinking that it's going to end in tears,probably your childrens'.OM is divorced,WW.

Sorry,meant to add 'Good Luck' at the end of last post.

Put it this way, the OP is wearing the cheater's tag to spare her husband's feelings and preserve his social respectability and to keep her family intact for as long as she can

Oh, sorry, I completely misunderstood. I didn't realise she was the hero in this sorry story. She is saving him from himself. Let me polish that medal for her

Hey, does that mean that all these men who cheat on their wives are also heros? All these heartbroken women on mn, discovering their partners' infidelities, should be grateful for their discretion and for saving them the trouble of having to think for themselves.

What. A. Crock. Of. Shit.

Fairenuff, I am addressing the OP's circumstances. Obviously for you one size fits all.

"he found out about my infidelity it would of course be a deal breaker"

Both spouses ought to know what the 'deal' is, and decide whether to continue with it or not.

Similar to what I read on a recent thread; you don't need to prove to your DH that he's gay. You don't have to prove to him that you know.

You need to say "Look, I know you're gay. I don't want to be married to a gay man. We can be just as friendly and parent just as well apart as we are now. Now, what's the next step?"

I wouldn't mention the OM at all. I wouldn't ordinarily say that but really - your husband is gay. He married you knowing he's gay. I think that counts as exceptional circumstances and you can't really be slated for what you're doing now. In effect, he was having a form of Affair in his head from the moment you were declared man and wife - he certainly wasn't all yours was he?

Good luck.

Whatever decision you make it will affect your children in a negative way - the positive thing you can do is minimise their pain as much as possible and if you are both good parents you will do this. I left my husband 6 months ago for another man. I had not started a relationship with this man until I had left my husband - but I did start a relationship immediately after. My children have not met my partner yet and are still devastated that my husband & I have split - as is my husband. But together - my husband - or should I say ex-husband - have minimised the effect on our children and in the past 8 weeks they have really settled into their new lives and are happy - they are very loved and we both show it all the time. They both feel secure and they are showing this - they have started to misbehave again which shows to me that they don't feel they need to be on their best behaviour and are just being normal. I do believe I made the right decision, I am happier than I have ever been with my new partner and my children are not showing any signs of any long term damage - my house if full of laughter all the time.

I wish you luck OP and hope you make the right decision for YOU - as life is too short not to.

He married you knowing he's gay. I think that counts as exceptional circumstances and you can't really be slated for what you're doing now. In effect, he was having a form of Affair in his head from the moment you were declared man and wife - he certainly wasn't all yours was he?

I agree with this. I am not sure why you are getting such a hard time OP as your husband married you under false pretenses and was dishonest. You sound like you have had your heart broken by him, and I certainly understand why you are doing things the way you are.

Don't confront him, Bella, just say it as kindly and as acceptingly as you can.

Tell him you want to stay married. But would he mind if you very discreetly got some relief elsewhere, how would that make him feel?

Opening up the debate, like.

Once you step over the line there is usually no go back, men are supposedly worse then women for forgiving! You'd be throwing a lot away for what? To be with an ex, they are your ex for a reason.....if he truly loved you he'd be the one you'd have married.