Affair

[BellaLasagna]

I await the flaming.

So I am having an affair with my ex.

I love my husband. We have two children. I can never leave my husband as he is the best father on the planet and I could never let the children be brought up by a web of step parents as I was. I know that if he found out about my infidelity it would of course be a deal breaker.

But after years of being with someone who doesn't love me back, who doesn't really do sex or emotion or anything of any depth I am finally feeling the love/passion/emotions that I used to feel when I was with normal people.

I'm not prepared to sacrifice the stability of my children's lives for the sake of my own happiness. I have made a conscious choice to make my life bearable for the foreseeable future.

And I think I'm starting to not feel guilty about it all.

As a woman I understand.......I really feel for you and you are brave to post as people judge situations really easily...you must have so many emotions right now .... Sending a hug x

Is the divorce likely to be more, or less, traumatic if it comes in the aftermath of discovery?

For OP is counting on enduring secrecy surrounding her affair. This is an unwise assumption.

OM was in the middle of a divorce when we first met up again. He has 2 DCs and shares custody with his ex wife.

We spoke at length in the first year that we were back in touch about me leaving DH. I came close to it a couple of times but in the end I just couldn't. You can judge me for my decisions but at the end of the day we are all the product of our past and in addition I had to weigh up the glaringly apparent fact that my DCs are happy, well balanced and loving children. I couldn't contemplate taking their lives as they know now away from them because I misjudged who I was marrying. I don't feel that I have the right to cause the destruction of their happy world for the sake of my happiness. I know that there is a good probability that things would be ok if we were to divorce. I just don't want ok to be the outcome. I don't want them to suffer in any way as a result of this situation.

The reasons that I know DH is gay:
Images found on laptop. Crashed in on a particularly tender looking moment between him and a friend that we have not seen since that night. His friends are gay. His friends have talked to me about the fact that he is gay but 'so far in the closet' etc. He is gay. End of. Every conversation that I have ever had with him about all of these issues have ended in a row where he denies it and accuses me of being mad. If more evidence is required I can provide...

OM wants me to leave. I can't. Since I concluded that I can't I have made it very clear to him that I would understand totally if he chooses that the situation is no longer for him. He has the option to walk away - I am not controlling his life - he is a grown up with a mind of his own. I love him, I wish things were different but they are not. I hope one day to be brave enough to make the jump but until then this is what it is.

OM works on a freelance basis so is available to travel with me rather than being a 'cocklodger' as it were!

I can see that this is upsetting for you, but I really feel for your husband.

Could you not say to your husband Look I know you're gay and I need a sexual life and could we both discreetly so what we need to do for ourselves while staying married and together for the children? Then you would at least get rid of the dishonesty factor.

Discreetly do what we need to do

It's a horrible mess really isn't it BellaL - because at the moment you must be going through the motions thinking of a future and not really 'living' for now.

My concern for you is that the OM might not be there for you in the future. He might not want a few business trips away. He might want a proper relationship with someone and if you won't commit one way or the other then he may get on with his life without you.

I feel for your children because finding out our childhood wasn't what you thought it was can lead them as young adults/adults to question relationships because they just cannot trust and take things at face value.

Sounds like you and your DH are both scared. Scared of different things but still scared and that is keeping you both together for now.

I think that as time goes by you will - accidentally or not - slip up and your H will find out. You say if he finds out it, it will be a dealbreaker. Whether gay or not he thinks this arrangement is working and I question how fair it is to keep letting him think things are stable. Obviously you know him we don't but how do you think he will react? An ex of all people. You say you love him and value his parenting qualities and are trying to be dignified and spare him pain now but I don't see how you can honestly trust this is all going to pan out agreeably until you and ex finish or H proposes splitting up or FIL dies. Life isn't always that accommodating. Then the children really will see the fall out.

I am planning on carrying on until the kids no longer need us to be together.
If your youngest is only 6 or 7 you might have years of this. When your DD reaches 18 btw she won't automatically stop being affected by her parents' behaviour and attitudes. She and her siblings will compare notes and wonder.

You say you don't feel in the least guilty so I hope that continues because otherwise it won't be worth it will it. Doesn't the secrecy tarnish it or are you just using OM? Otoh it all sounds very adult and clever and clear cut but why do I get the feeling you are yet again settling for less.

Well right now you are teaching your children that; if you are a man you don't need to show your wife any affection at all and if you are a woman you don't need any affection in your life. Just put up with the man as he is.
Nice lessons you are letting them learn there!
I'm sure they will end up in lovely loving relationships based on what you 2 have taught them! NOT!!!!!!

Ah I see it now. OM wants a full relationship with you, but you either don't or are not sure, so you're keeping your options open by leading them both on. You're a coward and don't want to face what you're doing. Do you know how destroying it will be when your 'D'H finds out how long you've been cheating on him? How someone he thought he could trust was lying to him all that time. It will destroy his ability to trust people and the longer you wait before this all comes out the worse it will be. And how is it fair to OM to be stringing him along? You are so very selfish.

Okay, the flip side to this coin is the serial monogamist. I know a few of these. Once they get bored in their marriage or relationship involving children (if children aren't involved I don't see why it matters.....) and especially when they meet someone else they want to have sex with, they decide to dump the old model and start up with a new one. While this is now socially more acceptable than having a mistress, or lover, on the side, it is not necessarily any more successful at raising children.

What tends to happen is that the whole scenario repeats itself after the honeymoon is over and a trail of ex-spouses, half and step siblings are left trailing in the wake of the serial monogamist. This tends to happen when ego and sex drive are the driving force rather than a commitment to put one's children first.

I, for one, will forgo any other sexual/emotional/romantic partners even though I have been married for far too long and it is far from perfect because family life is more important (to me!!) than swinging from the chandeliers. That is my choice and it is the right one for me. It is also my husband's choice and the right one for him.

And what anyone else thinks is completely irrelevant. And, yes, our children are extremely well-adjusted young adults.

Gosh the wine has started early for some eh?...

Look OP, no-one gives a stuff what you do. But if you're right and your husband's gay and doesn't want sex with you - and you appear to tolerate his own infidelity and want to stay married despite it - what's stopping you telling him you're doing the same?

Or is it that you don't want to lose the buzz of having this secret and it would spoil that for you, if he knew?

I don't condone what you're doing OP but I sympathise with your situation.

I do feel sorry for your hubby though! He must be completely and utterly miserable not being able to live a life that he should!

happy ever after' (and none do) and being honest
But she's not being honest about it - that is our point here.
If it was all OK and her husband knew and it was an open marriage etc... then no-one would have a thing to say.
The fact is her husband doesn't know and it would be a deal breaker if he found out speaks volumes here.
The fallout from him finding could lead to the exact scenario the OP is trying her best to avoid!!

I'm sorry you're in this situation but I really do think you're just kicking this problem down the road, you're not solving it.

Your parents divorcing when you're an adult is arguably much more painful than when you are a child. Because they stayed together 'for the sake of the children', it is your fault your parents lived an unhappy lie. Don't make your children bear the burden in adulthood of your mistake in marrying a gay man.

You can be wonderful co-parents. You don't have to take up with OM. Just don't do this to your children. Separate now before you make their entire childhood a lie, and teach them the unhealthy lesson that relationships are about lying and self-abnegation.

Well, well, well - the usual rather unimaginative responses from the morality marriage monogamy crowd - a great many of whom have failed to achieve lifelong marital bliss with one person. Even though they are more than happy to lay the boot into anyone who challenges the rather tired old cliches.

Lots of words but very little meaning there.

You also say marriage is about forgiveness, how can the poor sod forgive if he doesn't even know his wife's having an affair? Oh wait, he will when it all comes crashing down on top of him and oh wait, still, the children too - yeah we're being really unimaginative.

I also find it staggering that the OP still thinks what the kids don't know won't hurt them. The way they interact in their own relationships in later life are HUGELY affected by what they observe in the 'loving' relationships around them in their formative years. I too am a child of divorce, and I'd far rather have experienced that than the lies and evasions of the sham of a marriage my friend in my earlier post did.

Cake and eat it spring to mind, as does the word 'delusional'.

I'm not that gone on the idea of monogamy let alone marriage, and I still think the OP is making a big mistake, so butterballs9 I think your post is....patronising, to be polite.

Imagine on a regular basis having to lie to your husband about where you are going, to do what, and when you'll be back and worst still, having to say the same to your children when they wonder where you are going, have been.....is it me or is this just not plain daft as well as cruel when all you have to do is admit defeat and start a new life?

Not to mention the X having a meltdown outside your house in full view of all of suburbia, including your family - how can any of that be more preferable to living a life of truth and honesty.

And of all the above was carried out for the benefit of the OPs children - bonkers.

So, what did you start this thread for?

OP, do you believe it is ok for your gay husband to have romantic liasons but you are not allowed to ?

What's that all about then ?

What is actually stopping you from saying "I know you are gay. I have already caught you out at the very least in an emotional affair with another man. Whats sauce for the goose, etc. I am letting you know that I am also seeking a romantic life outside our marriage. If it's ok for you, it's ok for me, deal with it or we split"

I have reported your post, BB, as being offensive towards a particular group of MN'ers that you appear to have singled out in your own mind.

Just give OP your advice/opinion without slagging off others at the same time. It's not difficult (although you do seem to make a habit of it)

I don't think it's so much to do with marriage vows, more about respect for self and others. and raising the children in an emotionally secure environment.

And faire