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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dating a widower

59 replies

Clar1sa · 10/10/2013 07:09

My relationship is with a man whose wife has been deceased for four years. He sleeps in the same bed as he shared with her and has kept her car which he calls the shopping trolley. I do not know if I am being unreasonable but this hurts me. They were married many years. I find I cannot stay over at his house. In fact I do not like to go there. It is full of her things.

OP posts:

itwillgetbettersoon · 10/10/2013 09:02

I think you should leave him.

However I will say it is very difficult to dispose of a deceased persons clothes. My mum died years ago and it took me and my dad years to clear her things out. It was easier just to ignore them. I also think people are too quick to expect previous partners to be erased out if someone's life far too quickly.

The rings etc - he probably doesn't know what to do with them so in his mind thought you might like them. My MIL gave me some of her rings etc - she doesn't have a daughter so thought I would like them - yet I have my mums!!

Move on and let him deal with his grief slowly.

Regarding beds.....I hope you don't sleep in any hotel beds!! But I can sort of see what you are saying but then I can see why he hasn't replaced it.

Original poster

Clar1sa · 10/10/2013 09:09

That is unkind going on the little you know of what I have put up with ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee

OP posts:

Original poster

Clar1sa · 10/10/2013 09:11

Yes we sleep in a lot of hotel beds.

OP posts:

Original poster

Clar1sa · 10/10/2013 09:14

I shall certainly steer clear of divorcees and I appreciated the constructive comments I have received.

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 10/10/2013 09:47

It is not unkind - you said compounded my resentment of his attachment to his past - you are not the sort of person who is ever going to be able to handle being with a widower. It doesn't make you a bad person, just not the right person for that situation.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2013 09:48

Hang on a minute! Some of us divorcees are very nice people :) I'm sure some widowers are also nice people. However, some people aren't all that nice to begin with and losing a spouse doesn't suddenly turn them into angelic beings.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 10/10/2013 09:48

and I did say it is too early for him. He is clearly in no place to be dating anyone.

NotYoMomma · 10/10/2013 09:53

I would leave too. he can't see you for you

Original poster

Clar1sa · 10/10/2013 11:02

Sorry CogitoErgoSometimes I meant widowers. I am a widow too. And ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee you do not know what sort of person I am at all and I think you should keep your judgements to yourself. It is hard to leave him because I care for him. Even though as you say CogitoErgoSometimes people are not always all that nice to begin with. He has been pretty cruel and I am not going into that. My first resentment sprang from his saying he was already moved on, when he showed me otherwise big time. I take on board about the car and the bed and I am over that. I have just been there and was ok to see her car in the drive as usual. I used to think it must have helped him to come home to her car as he has for many years. I think I can get back to that more positive feeling thanks to the constructive comments. I thought I was going mad. It has been very good to hear the constructive comments. This is a great site.

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 10/10/2013 11:11

And ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee you do not know what sort of person I am at all and I think you should keep your judgements to yourself

Funnily enough, when you post on a web site, you will get opinions and drip feeding doesn't help a situation. I know what you wrote and I commented on that, if you don't want people to comment, don't post on a web site?!

Original poster

Clar1sa · 10/10/2013 12:04

I dont judge you and so please do not judge me. Everyone else got the gist and did not insult me.

OP posts:

myfriendflicka · 10/10/2013 13:15

Bloody hell - my husband died six years ago and I still have his clothes, shoes etc around the place and I sleep in the bed we had together. His photographs are about too. I don't see the point in getting rid of them, it isn't really a big deal. We were together for 17 years, and I would not want to blot out the past.

I would be furious if someone said they objected to the bed!!!!

You don't move on in the way you mean. You learn to live with it, and the person that died is always part of you.

That said I would be happy to meet someone else. But I have two kids and I certainly wouldn't ship all his things away or tolerate anyone else doing it, for their sake as much as mine.

You sound judgemental, insecure and insensitive. And it doesn't sound as if he will give you what you want, so you are right to leave.

I agree with Chipping.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 10/10/2013 13:36

Clar1sa, being a widow yourself, you are in the best position to know what is acceptable in a relationship with a widower and what is not.

Him wanting you to wear his wife's jewellry and clothing is very creepy. I don't think he is ready for another relationship yet and who knows he may never be.

DistanceCall · 10/10/2013 13:45

I don't think anyone has insulted you here. They may have given you a view you dislike. But that's what you may get when you ask for opinions.

Also, you can't expect people to be mindreaders. You say that he's been very cruel but won't go into it. What the hell do you expect people to say if you keep drip feeding?

Original poster

Clar1sa · 10/10/2013 14:09

most of the advice I got was very constructive which is why people come to this site I would think. We are already in pain and don't need any nastiness. I did not drip feed. I answered requests for more info. I could have written a book about it but obviously one keeps it brief. And who gave you the right to be the sensitivity police! ?? Whoever you are.

myfriendflicka, everyone is different. I admire you and your hard job bringing up children. I did the same, however, I did not go looking for someone else and tell them I had moved on when I was still living with my husbands stuff all around me. The person I am talking about is pretending to have moved on. He wants his cake and eat it too. I thought we were in a relationship but he manages to deny my existence when the going got tough. I don't think people should put such nasty accusations to people they don't know. It is a pity to spoil such a fantastic site that helped me a lot today. Maybe some of you people here that are quick to make judgements to someone you dont know could just trust that I am not necessarily someone with horrible traits. I was confused and unhappy. It was all much better till I start reading accusations as to my character. You cannot tell allllllll the story. It would take too long. Who cares anyway! Thankyou to those that helped.

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Original poster

Clar1sa · 10/10/2013 14:18

The reason I did not go into the cruelty was because I had already got what I needed from here. Isnt that what it is about? Not here to feed your morbid nosiness.

OP posts:

Original poster

Clar1sa · 11/10/2013 17:11

yeah .... it feels like i am having an affair. something I have never done... he tells me he has moved on, whatever that means/ and that he is in love with me, but I do not feel like I am important enough to him. He is locked in his past it seems. His first priority is still to his previous status. I cannot really explain. I am not drip feeding, I am looking for answers as the realisation arises from the interaction of this opportunity to spill the beans. He is all loving when he wants and then retreats to his cave when he wants. I have told him we are over but I find it hard and we are still seeing each other as friends. I want to be with him but not at the price of being an idiot

OP posts:

bluebirdwsm · 11/10/2013 17:54

I feel he is going through the motions of 'moving on' without really knowing how to do it, and not realising he isn't really doing it. Seems like he wants the relationship on his terms, without taking your role and feelings into account.

He probably does love you - in his own way. It doesn't mean you both speak the same language though. You are conducting the relationship on his territory too - his terms again.

Not judging, but it seems you are not matched. You can still remain friends though of course, probably the best option. I've known 2 divorces caused by the females not accepting the male not changing routine/possessions within the time frame they thought was appropriate. Thus more heartache for both parties.

Original poster

Clar1sa · 11/10/2013 18:28

yeah I think you are right. It means I have to let go. It seems there is no compromise. Being friends is hard but maybe better than nothing.

OP posts:

Sleepyhoglet · 12/10/2013 16:57

How old are you both?

Sparklysilversequins · 12/10/2013 17:12

"Not to feed your morbid nosiness". That's a actually a really nasty thing to say to people that are trying to understand your situation and advise you.

Maybe you're unhappy but the overwhelming sense I get from your posts is that of bitterness. Maybe he is awful to you but if you don't actually talk about them you must expect your posts to be judged on face value and not on the details that you don't wish to discuss.

viewer · 13/10/2013 02:30

There are clearly many, many things you don't like about this man. He's not really making you very happy, more like the opposite. You realise you're not even all that important to him and he doesn't love you.
You surely don't need someone like this as a friend? Better to get rid of him completely out of your life, I'd think. Why would you want him at all?
If you want to have some male friendship there are certainly plenty of others to choose from. It doesn't have to be him or nothing. The world is full of men looking for women, and some of them are perfectly nice men. This particular man is just not for you, not even as a friend.

Cerisier · 13/10/2013 08:02

Not here to feed your morbid nosiness

What an outrageously rude thing to say to people who are taking the time to reply to your request for advice.

I am shocked at your replies to posters OP and at your unpleasant tone.

ITCouldBeWorse · 13/10/2013 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaulineWhatsername · 13/10/2013 10:14

Everybody calm down.

And OP find someone who will cherish you.

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