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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fucking internet!

44 replies

TnBiscuits · 09/10/2013 23:29

Is it possible for a hacked/spammed hotmail account to set up a profile on a swingers website with OH personal details and the message other women etc in areas where OH s working away? No I didn't think so... He's now said if I think he is cheating he will pack his bags and leave... I don't want him to leave.. I want him to talk to me but he won't.

I feel sick to the core... I am strong and will get through this...

Just needed to let it out as have no one to talk to...

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 09/10/2013 23:31

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

What will you do if he continues to refuse to talk to you about it?

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 09/10/2013 23:35

Fuzzy... I honestly don't know what to do or say to him.. He's a thinker rather than a talker....

I feel sick to my stomach.. He's working away tonight I know I should have spoke to him but I texted him with pics lol... I do love him and could forgive him, all he needs to do is talk to me..

Please don't shout me down for wanting to be with him...

OP posts:
anon2013 · 09/10/2013 23:36

minimizing and making it your decision. Tell him to tell you the truth but I would imagine right now he'll be deleting all evidence so you won't discover the whole truth.

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 09/10/2013 23:40

Anon I've taken snapshots of everything including his emails and messages etc thing is he was or so I thought a generous loving man... I just feel so let down... He only joined the site 4 weeks ago...

I'm sat here shaking.... I've a stinking headache too... I'm truly gutted :(

OP posts:
anon2013 · 09/10/2013 23:44

Does he know you have the snapshots?. If he doesn't then ask him for the truth and see what happens. It might've gone on longer for four weeks to be honest he may have got over confident and forgotten to delete things. Hope you feel better soon OP

Cutitup · 09/10/2013 23:47

Did you read the personal messages? My advice is to say nothing and to let silence rule until he starts talking. Did you read any of the messages? What did they say?

SunshineSuperNova · 09/10/2013 23:47

I'm so sorry OP. STBXBIL did something similar recently and did the minimising thing too.

Big hugs x

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 09/10/2013 23:48

It said he joined 4 weeks ago it's defo him. I sent him a couple of the shots, he was like what are they? He denied joining etc but who else could it be? His email account and same password, he only chats when he's working away etc. it's him... I'm not stupid!!! Arrgggg. It's driving me insane this....

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 09/10/2013 23:50

What a terrible shock for you and I'm so sorry you've discovered such a devastating thing. How did you find out? Your OP reads as though you didn't suspect, i.e. you thought he was "a generous loving man". The sheer frustration when they refuse to talk, yet your world's been turned upside down, is enough to drive you mad. Sad

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 09/10/2013 23:51

Cutitup messages were not explicit just saying how lovely pictures were etc.. If I'm honest I don't think he has done anything yet... I'm guessing he is thinking about it and now been caught... But I could be wrong...

He's not logged back in or changed passwords etc...

He is actually a very proud man who I thought had values...

OP posts:
Cutitup · 09/10/2013 23:51

Poor you. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. What a tosspot.

I would still say nothing until he comes clean. You have the proof. What would it mean to you to have to break up over this?

Cutitup · 09/10/2013 23:52

How did you find out?

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 09/10/2013 23:53

I've always known his password for his emails... Not sure if he knew I had or not.. We are an open family use each other's phones etc... That's why I'm shocked...

OP posts:
Original poster
TnBiscuits · 09/10/2013 23:55

If we breakup I would manage... I've a good job, car and the house (we rent) is in my name. Gosh that sounds harsh...

I'd be gutted... Daughter from previous relationship is 16 and dottes on him...

I don't want to be without him but I am string and will manage.. We would have to....

OP posts:
Original poster
TnBiscuits · 09/10/2013 23:56

Meant strong... Stupid iPhone

OP posts:
idlevice · 09/10/2013 23:57

Sorry, it's shit...had similar a few weeks ago. DP on straight equivalent of Grindr. Said he'd only been on it for 2 weeks after he'd read about it in the Guardian. I saw messages to some bint about the most trivial crap interspersed with whether they might eventually meet to have sex. His profile pic was of him & DS1Sad We'd been together 16yrs, to the point where I was almost smug about how great we were together...

We are working it out, did lots of talking & many of the clichés were there. He has been as nice as pie ever since, which is actually quite freaky. It took a couple of weeks before I could unfreeze & sometimes it feels ok again until I remember the searing hurt I felt. I asked him to do several things to prove to me he wanted to stay & it seems genuine on his part but who really knows? I'm mad as hell at him for putting this crack in our relationship - even if it gets smoothed over I'll still know it was there. Now I feel I have to live with his seed of doubt I didn't have before. There will be no second chance for sure. Hope you manage to get some resolution & un-MN hugs as it really is rough.

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 09/10/2013 23:59

Idlevice you've no idea (well you probably do) how much I need a hug and a friend right now.. :'(

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 10/10/2013 00:05

"Dear X

Please do not treat me like a fool. You know that I have seen the evidence of what you have been doing and I will not tolerate being lied to.

If you are not prepared to sit down with me and talk about this then I agree that you moving out would be for the best. I do not want the decision on whether our marriage should end to be based on you refusal to discuss this issue, but you really wont talk to me, then so be it."

That will probably put the wind right up him. The threat to leave was to make you back down out of fear, so call him on it. He will break before you do.

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 10/10/2013 00:09

Bogeyface (great name btw)

What if he won't talk... He really doesn't talk about stuff ...

He asked why I was snooping his email so I told him I wasn't going to talk to him until he was honest about the website.

He's probably sleeping now whilst I'm wide awake with a banging head n blurred eyes :(

OP posts:
HappyHalloweenMollyHooper · 10/10/2013 00:13

You need to ask him why he feels your relationship is that disposable to him. He needs to understand that his reaction makes him looks even more guilty (and a complete asshole)

How could he suggest leaving so easily?

Bogeyface · 10/10/2013 00:13

Then you ask him to leave.

He wont talk because he doesnt want to confront anything, so he has a stark choice. Talk or leave.

Once he realises that you mean it then he may very well decide that he can talk after all. Or you could find that his need to be secretive and private is more important to him than you are in which case, sad as it is, you have not lost much.

Will he really never talk about anything, ever? So anything that is not going so well in your marriage or anything he has said that has hurt you, you just have to rollover and accept? That is horrible :(

Bogeyface · 10/10/2013 00:15

How could he suggest leaving so easily?

Because he knows the OP. He knows she is happy, wont want their marriage to end and knows that by threatening to leave there is a good chance she will back down.

He is a guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo. The OP knows it and he knows that she knows it but he will be damned if he will admit it.

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 10/10/2013 00:24

Just been looking on the site... From what I can see he is a gold member and you need to pay for it.... I've got him by his short and curlies now....

If he loves me he will show me his bank statements for all accounts if he's not joined then his account would be clear... Correct?

OP posts:
HappyHalloweenMollyHooper · 10/10/2013 00:27

Correct.

Don't let him use the whole "non talker" as an excuse here and don't let him use snooping/trust game to slither out of this.

You deserve an explanation, at the very least so you can decide what happens next.

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 10/10/2013 00:30

I'm going to call in sick tomorrow, daughter will be at school when he gets home... We can talk then... Knowing him he will put it back onto me and then not discuss it...

I feel disgusted, humiliated, sad, sick... So many emotions....

Why oh why would he do that to us.... Our family ruined....

OP posts:
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