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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fucking internet!

44 replies

TnBiscuits · 09/10/2013 23:29

Is it possible for a hacked/spammed hotmail account to set up a profile on a swingers website with OH personal details and the message other women etc in areas where OH s working away? No I didn't think so... He's now said if I think he is cheating he will pack his bags and leave... I don't want him to leave.. I want him to talk to me but he won't.

I feel sick to the core... I am strong and will get through this...

Just needed to let it out as have no one to talk to...

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 10/10/2013 00:35

YY regarding the snooping thing.

What you found proves that your snooping was justified, so it wipes out any "invasion of privacy".

If he tries to derail you with that (and he will) just stick to "I checked because I knew something was wrong and I was right wasnt I? Why did you join that site?"

"I am not talking about this, if you think I cheated I will leave"

"I dont know if you have cheated, but I know that you have lied. Why did you join that site?" etc etc

Bogeyface · 10/10/2013 00:38

Have you tried to hack into his account on the site? Most people arent that inventive when it comes to passwords. Also, if he hasnt changed the password to his email you could send a password reset from the website to his email, change the password and delete the email (clear it from deleted items too) and then you have full access to his account on there. From that you should be able to see the messages and work out whether it was wank fodder (still not on imo but...) or whether he has arranged and met other people.

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 10/10/2013 00:43

I've logged on as him in the site.. He uses same password for everything.. IT isn't his strong point. I've seen the messages etc.. He paid 30 days ago he has 5 days left of the paid fascilities left. I'm guessing when I see his bank statements it will confirm everything... If it's not on his statements then he needs to go to police and have this investigated... Right?

It's such a mess

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 10/10/2013 00:46

You dont need to see his bank statements to know what he is doing do you?

Do you, really?

You want to see his bank statements in the vain hope that a fraudster used his bank card and his email without him noticing. And his photo. And his password.

You want to be proved wrong. But you wont be, and deep down you know that. He wont admit it until you place the evidence in front of him, and even then he will minimise and lie.

The question you need to work out the answer to is "What do I do with this information?"

Bogeyface · 10/10/2013 00:46

How often has he been away in the last month?

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 10/10/2013 00:51

He works away 3 nights a week... Has done for over a year...

Your right... Where do I go from here... What do I want? I've no idea...

Thank you all for listening xxx

OP posts:
MellowandFruitfulSnazzy · 10/10/2013 00:54

Sorry to say this but don't rule out him having paid from a credit card that you don't know about. Seeing it on his bank statement would certainly make it clear, but as you've said anyway, these things don't happen by accident/spamming - it's been his choice to do this. Now hopefully he will realise that it can only make things worse to refuse to talk about it - at the moment he is counting on that to get him out of trouble.

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 10/10/2013 00:58

He only has 1 credit card and 2 bank accounts ... Pretty sure if that.

OP posts:
SlangKing · 10/10/2013 01:43

Just to point out - he asked you why you were snooping at his mail, so he's not reluctant to talk,,, just reluctant to talk about those elements YOU want to talk about. To add to what others have already said - Hotmail is about as secure as a website gets but if we pretend for now that it got 'hacked' that still doesn't explain how the hacker got his card/pin number. Then, having gone to that trouble, the hacker joins a dating site and chats up women he can't ever meet cuz he doesn't look like your hubby. He also fails to change the Hotmail pw, thereby alerting hubby to his stolen card the moment he logs in. Really, if this hacker wanted sex with strangers, why not use the stolen card to hire an escort? In truth, anyone who had managed the hack and card/pin theft would've spent the card to its limit by now. Sorry, but the "won't talk" thing is a sham and if he persists with it only enhances his contempt for your feelings. Unless he's been hacked by the most stupid hacker EVER, you have no straws left to clutch at. If you want to give him a chance to be honest that's your biz, but please don't go believing any hacker nonsence.

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 10/10/2013 08:09

Well I survived the night.... Had about an hours sleep... He will be home later probably about 2ish... I've told him we WILL talk then.

OP posts:
alphacourse · 10/10/2013 08:28

I'm sorry you are going through this too. I can't link to my first thread as it went to the secret place, but my second on is here

Try googling the user name he used for that site, as he may have been a member of more than one?

Your instinct is to talk as you just can't understand and believe it. If he gets angry, it is because he is guilty and will deflect. Honestly - as hard as it is - if he gets angry or refuses to talk you HAVE to make him leave. It is your only chance of getting anywhere with him. (((Hugs)))

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 10/10/2013 08:41

How horrible for you, I'm so sorry.
He sounds guilty. Think how you would react if you were accused of this. It would be ridiculous, you would laugh, you would talk to your partner, together you would immediately contact the police to find out what's going on. Your dp just gives you the 'If you think I've cheated, I'll leave now' line so he doesn't have to explain himself. He needs to give you the whole truth. If he doesn't have enough respect for you to even give you that then I'd say don't waste any more time attempting to reason with him.
You sound very strong op.

maleview70 · 10/10/2013 08:56

You really need to change your default position of "we will work this out if only he will talk" it almost makes
you sound grateful for him tellin you what a twat he is being. People don't pay to go on those sites unless they were planning to do something so you can rule out the "I was just
looking" excuse....

If he thinks so little of your relationship that he would pack a bag and leave then you really have to question if he is the man for you!

I personally would kick him out and then take it from there. Once you show weakness to a partner they will
Continue to exploit it.

Delilahlilah · 10/10/2013 10:09

I agree with maleview. He is trying to take control away from you. He doesn't want to talk or admit anything. What you seem to be missing is that kicking him out now does not mean the end, it means you assume control of the situation. Pack his bags for him, if he loves you he will soon be changing his ways. You have had a shock and you desperately want this to be some kind of mistake, but it isn't. He could have paid by PayPal or another method that you don't know about. Don't be so eager to forgive, it won't go away. He didn't get paid up membership by accident.
I am sorry that he has done this to you, but if you let him get away with it, you are setting yourself up for him to do it all again.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 10/10/2013 12:14

Sorry to hear you're going through this :( no words of wisdom here other than seconding what others have said about not letting him 'refuse to talk' about it.

He believes you won't tell him to leave - So prove him wrong. He'll have to talk then.

Come back later for support if you need, hope you're okay.

Jan45 · 10/10/2013 12:20

Listen, either he talks or he walks, he's clearly made a complete cunt out of you and is even denying it when faced with the truth - game's over, you've outed him.

Xales · 10/10/2013 12:41

You need an STI test to make sure you are OK.

He is going to minimise, lie, bluster and spout crap unless he is a rare person when caught out.

You cannot trust him and need to make sure you are not infected.

mammadiggingdeep · 10/10/2013 20:08

So sorry op. from my own horrible experience I would say to ask what you want to ask, try to have the conversation and if he refuses the ONLY thing you can do is make him leave. If you don't discuss it, he's won. He's basically said I can do what I want and when u find out, we won't discuss it. Funny how quickly they want to talk when you've chucked them out (normally a load of old rubbish but there you go). He isn't talki g to you be side there's not a lot he can say, he knows you know and he knows there's no reason other than he was on the site u to no good. Even if u want him back eventually u have to make him go and show him how much of a deal breaker this is for you.

plainjanine · 11/10/2013 09:34

I totally agree with maleview70.

If you cave to his first threat of leaving, he will use it every time he does something wrong in the future, as he'll see it as a winning strategy. Set a precedent for him: pack his bags for him and have them waiting for him when he gets back?

People who love each other shouldn't need to give each other ultimatums [ultemata?], and he's doing exactly that: "let me off the hook or I'll leave". It's hardly respectful. I'd question what future there was in the relationship if his first position is to threaten to walk.

Sorry. :-(

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