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Relationships

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Original poster

He won't commit. Should I leave?

47 replies

Slumberparty · 09/10/2013 08:29

Hi, I'm looking to hear about your experiences if possible?
Anyone here left their DP in their early 30s because their DP refused to commit (not just marriage but buying a house together, having a baby etc). Unsure if I should give him more time or cut my losses but risk not meeting anyone else. We've been together 5 years and a part of me thinks if he was going to commit to me it would have happened by now. Neither of us have been married before and no kids.

OP posts:

HerdyHerdwick · 09/10/2013 08:34

Are you actually living together now? You've mentioned buying a house but I'm not clear, perhaps you're renting together?
Have you talked to him about this?
If you're still 'dating' ie living in separate houses after 5 years, I'd be seriously considering leaving.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2013 08:35

I think you have to trust your judgement. I take it you've had the marriage/baby/house conversations and drawn a blank? Perhaps his reaction to the prospect of ending the relationship will help you decide... but you have to be prepared to follow through.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 09/10/2013 08:35

I haven't been in your position, but in early 30s I wouldn't be hanging around for someone who is stringing me along during my most fertile years, refusing to commit to anything. If children are what you want, you can't afford to waste your 30s with this guy - he has all the time in the world but your biological clock is ticking and time isn't on your side.

smorticus · 09/10/2013 08:38

I left my ex after his refusal to commit after 5 years together.
2 years later and it is the best thing I ever did.
I am now in a loving relationship in which we both want the same things and I realise quite how sad I was in previous relationship.
It wasn't easy to do (5 years was a long time) but I trusted my gut instinct and knew it was the best thing to do. I didn't want to waste another 5 years with a man who wouldn't give me what I wanted x

Original poster

Slumberparty · 09/10/2013 08:45

Sorry to be so vague. We've lived together for the last 3 years in his house. I am very broody and he recently told me I am putting too much pressure on him and making him feel unimportant other than as a sperm donor. As a result I've agreed to lay off the baby talk for a while. I worry he's just stalling.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2013 08:50

From the little you write he is probably thinking of you as the "well she will do for now" woman in his life.

You also write "his house". Is the property therefore in his sole name, are you named on the mortgage?.

MadameLeMean · 09/10/2013 08:53

You are early thirties, been together 5 yrs and he's not willing to consider marriage or kids yet? Or even buying a house? Weirdly the last of those seems most worrying, like he isn't sure about the relationship at all. Then the marriage reluctance could be another sign of that.

Baby thing - can be scary if you don't feel ready so I would not dump a guy on that alone .. But on the basis that no other commitment is forthcoming either...

Tell him to grow up. Sounds like major commitment phobia. I'd cut my losses

Mydelilah · 09/10/2013 08:55

What Sugar said - if you are early 30s now you face a very real possibility of missing out on DC if you string this out for a couple more years and he doesn't commit.

I missed how old your DP is, but tend to agree that if he was fully committed, he would be showing and acting on this by now after 3 years cohabiting. Sadly he's not and I really feel for you

Ruralninja · 09/10/2013 08:55

poor you, this behavior makes me genuinely rage... I left a marriage after 11 years because of the children issue and about to give birth & with a wonderful man. Its difficult, risky and change is harder to handle as you get older I think.... but, you do only get the one crack at life and personally I was prepared to try & fail, rather than never try at all. So, whatever that means for you....

Original poster

Slumberparty · 09/10/2013 08:56

Yes his house his mortgage. I could walk away tomorrow. I'm wasting my time aren't I? But ending the relationship feels terrifying. I'm worried I'd regret it.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2013 08:58

I agree with the PP. The way things are set up, unfortunately, you're currently not part of his life, but an add-on. The 'sperm donor' reference sounds very much like someone keeping you at arms length. That's quite an insecure place to be - legally as well as emotionally. If he died or you split up you'd be homeless, for example.

FWIW if you did get him to agree to have children, don't do a thing until you've protected yourself financially, been named in his will, become co-owner of the property etc. Can't see him agreeing to any of that.

perfectstorm · 09/10/2013 09:01

I'd leave. He's basically telling you he doesn't want a permanent commitment with you - find someone who does.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2013 09:05

"Yes his house his mortgage. I could walk away tomorrow. I'm wasting my time aren't I? But ending the relationship feels terrifying. I'm worried I'd regret it".

Regret what exactly?. What is there to regret about this man apart from the fact that you've wasted time and effort on him?. Staying with this person as is basically you preventing your own self from finding someone else.

This guy has you on a string; he has not put you onto the mortgage because he at heart does not want you on it. You're his glorified girlfriend/housekeeper.

I would never bring a child into such a precarious situation either and make that person also dependent on him. As a father he'd likely be a dead loss as well.

Seb101 · 09/10/2013 09:07

I had this exact problem with my partner a few years ago. I said to him that I wanted to try for a baby in the new year, which was a few months away. I explained that I was in my early thirties and wasn't prepared wait any longer. I left the decision to him. If he decided he didn't want a baby and marriage right now then the relationship would be over. I'd waited years and simply wasn't going to wait any longer. I was so scared of waiting too long and having fertility problems. I was absolutely prepared to walk away; I wasn't bluffing. Some people might disapprove of such an ultimatum, but that's how I felt and I believe it needed to be done. He would probably never have been 'ready' whatever that means! Having marriage, children and security was everything I'd ever wanted, and I wasn't going to let time slip away. He decided that we should try for a baby. Three years later we have a 2 year old and are trying for number two! We got married last month. He's an amazing dad and husband. We are both happier than ever. He now admits that he needed that push, although at the time he wasn't best pleased to be giving such an ultimatum. But I am 100% certain if I hadn't we'd still be plodding along as we were. I believe that sometimes we need to make things happen, we need to strive for what we want. We only have one life, and if your partner isn't going to change his mind, the sooner you move on the better. I honestly wish you the best of luck.

conkertheworld · 09/10/2013 09:08

I left my partner of 4 years when I was 39. He would make enough noises about the future to keep me hopeful but always made out it was 'pressure', and we had to be 'sure'.

I met DH a few months later and we now have 2 DC.

He has cycled through 4, yes FOUR more later thirties women and is now single and happy.

Have a conversation in which you say you don't mind what he thinks, but you want to know what he thinks. Pin him down. There is much lost by those who assume.

I look at my children and think what might not have been.

ZippityDoodahday · 09/10/2013 09:14

Don't wait around wasting your life on a man who clearly doesn't share your hopes for the future. He doesn't like he cares much for you tbh.

LaRegina · 09/10/2013 09:18

I agree with everybody else - and particularly the he is probably thinking of you as the "well she will do for now" woman in his life comment.

I've seen this so many times, not least through my own personal experience. Before I met DH I had a few 'LTRs' which drifted along, in a couple of cases for years, with one or the other of us making vague noises about maybe getting married or maybe having kids one day, but with neither of us actually making a decision. Then I met DH and within two years we had bought a house together, were married and had our first DC!

Without wanting to sound glib, when both partners know they've met the right one, neither of you start stalling - you just want to get on with the rest of your lives together

FetchezLaVache · 09/10/2013 09:25

I suppose what it boils down to is whether you'd regret never having children more than you'd regret not having this man, but from the snapshot you've provided, it doesn't sound like he's as serious about you as you are about him. Not an easy decision, but I'd be cutting my losses, FWIW.

LawofAverages · 09/10/2013 09:27

The way I see it, ending the relationship now will put you in the strongest position.

If you end it one of two things will happen: either he will realise at last how important you are to him and how important all of this is to you and it will be the catalyst to make him chase after you and commit...OR he will not chase after you or change his mind on commitmment and you will realise you have had a lucky escape from missing out on being a mother and will have the time and opportunity to meet someone else who wants the same things as you.

If you stay with him it seems likely that things will just stay as they are - with you feeling frustrated and him feeling pressurised. He will not suddenly commit as he clearly isnt ready for that/ doesnt want to with you (sorry) but probably wont end things either as things are the way he wants them at the moment and he has all the time in the world to think about when he will be ready and to eventually break up wih you once the 'pressure' becomes too much.

Then you will be in a far worse position - not in control of the situation and having lost another x number of years off your window in which you are able to conceive.

I know it's a scary thought to end a long relationship but how much scarier is the thought that you may end up single later on and having missed your chance to have children.

LittlePeaPod · 09/10/2013 09:29

It sounds like you may have different priorities. I would have a conversation with him about how important commitment, children and marriage are to you. I would also make it clear if this is not in line with what he wants then you need to separate. The truth is, if he doesn't want to commit and his keeping you hanging on then he will let you go. But if he doesn't want to lose you then he will commit.

My DH and so did I to be fair walked away from a lot of relationships because the other person wanted to commit and wanted children however he didn't. But, he says he knew the moment we met he wanted to get married and have a family. So like others have said he may be thinking "this is fine but I don't want any further commitment with her" or he could be one of those people that never want to commit. But either way, that's not what you want.

Original poster

Slumberparty · 09/10/2013 09:30

Thought I'd just posted this but hasn't shown up... Another thing is that he's just accepted a new job which means he will be working away a lot more than he currently does. The fact he didn't feel the need to discuss this with me first speaks volumes doesn't it! I feel like an idiot. Thanks so much for your replies, they've allowed me to see things much more clearly.

OP posts:

LittlePeaPod · 09/10/2013 09:31

By the way, my DH was 37 and I was 33 when we met..

Sparklysilversequins · 09/10/2013 09:34

Yes, by doing this the relationship should now come to a natural end.

Time to get out there and meet someone who wants what you want .

LittlePeaPod · 09/10/2013 09:40

Yes accepting a position which entails working away alot without discussing it with you does say a lot. He clearly still sees himself as independent to you in some way. I would never accept a position that means more time away without first speaking with DH. Simply because it would impact on our time. And DH travels abroad a lot but he always tells me about all potential trips and asks if I am ok with them. He also checks that the trips won't impact on our planned events before they are booked. It's rare that I am unaware of a potential trip. This only happens in cases of emergency negation a which mean last minute travel is required.

My point been your feelings on how this position will impact your relationship clearly bs of Jo significance to your DP. Sorry Op but you need a serious conversation about priorities with your DP.

lemonstartree · 09/10/2013 09:41

personally, You have been together 5 years, If hes not 'sure' now he never will be. If you want to have a family you need to make that clear to him. But honestly, it sounds like it all suite him quite well - He has a home - you do not... I would be honest with him and make plans to leave

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