Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

He won't commit. Should I leave?

47 replies

Slumberparty · 09/10/2013 08:29

Hi, I'm looking to hear about your experiences if possible?
Anyone here left their DP in their early 30s because their DP refused to commit (not just marriage but buying a house together, having a baby etc). Unsure if I should give him more time or cut my losses but risk not meeting anyone else. We've been together 5 years and a part of me thinks if he was going to commit to me it would have happened by now. Neither of us have been married before and no kids.

OP posts:

GladitsnotJustMe · 09/10/2013 09:43

I've been there OP. My partner of 3.5 years lived with me for 3 years in my house. I wanted us to buy a house together, wanted commitment, wanted a family etc. We used to argue about it all the time.

He had nearly bought a house himself years before he met me, got so close that all his family and friends had bought him lots of homeware as house warming presents. He got cold feet and pulled out of the house. All of his homeware (pots & pans, knife set etc etc) stayed in their boxes at his mother's house even though he lived with me for 3 years - He never moved his stuff into mine in case he needed it for himself in the future.

He didn't even like committing to booking holidays together, because it made him twitch to book something a few months ahead...

On my 30th birthday, while chatting about a friend's wedding I said "well if we got married, we wouldn't do it like that". He replied "I'll never fucking marry you". On. my. 30th. birthday. And I still didn't kick him out.

Eventually, after another argument about commitment, he just walked away one day. I was 33, and devastated. My friends had been telling me to dump him for years - I never had the guts to do it. But it was the best thing that ever happened to me as I'm now with a wonderful man and very happy.

Ironically, I found my lovely DP via online dating.. and who else was on the same dating site..? My lovely commitment phobic ex. But he is still single, rents a house with his mates, has never committed to anything in his whole life.

Now I'm hoping your DP isn't as much of a pathological commitment phobe as my ex, but maybe you could examine your relationship and ask yourself does he commit to other stuff? Does he talk about future plans with you? Does he make more plans with his mates than he does with you? does he have boxes of homeware at his mothers in case he needs it himself, no surely nobody else is that fucked up Does he make you happy?? How would he react if you sat him down, and told him your hopes and dreams for the future?

Sorry this has turned into a rant about my commitment phobic ex, I think I needed to vent! Good luck OP

JoinYourPlayfellows · 09/10/2013 09:43

My DH went out with a woman for 5 years from their mid-20s to early 30s.

He never had any notion of marrying her or having children with her.

When she finally started hinting about wanting to do those things, he was appalled at the idea

What he thought they were doing is beyond me, but he was never committed to their relationship and never pretended to be so he just presumed she was on the same page.

Men can be incredibly lazy about things like this IME. He's not the only man of my acquaintance to have long term relationships with women they were not really all that bothered about.

MellowandFruitfulSnazzy · 09/10/2013 09:45

5 years is definitely enough time. And if he's just taken a job without even talking to you about it, then he doesn't seem to want to have to compromise regarding any of his own preferences, so yours just aren't important.

Say you're off as the two of you clearly want different things and it's not fair on either of you to continue the relationship. You have a good chance of finding what you want elsewhere. Don't drag this out.

GladitsnotJustMe · 09/10/2013 09:52

Slumber you're not an idiot, just sometimes we get stuck and can't see past the shitty situation we're in.

Taking a new job without discussing it with you is pretty telling - he doesn't think he needs to discuss this stuff with you as he's thinking about himself.

Sit him down, tell him this is what you want. See how he reacts. If he uses the word "Pressure" ... well you know the answer

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2013 10:00

BTW... for 'commitment phobia' you can quite easily interchange it with 'Peter Pan Syndrome'. You see, if you never get married, have kids or do other serious grown-up stuff you can convince yourself that you're still just a bit of a kid with the world at your feet and the fact that the year you were born is receding into the distant past does not mean you are getting older. I've known a particular man for over 20 years. He is now 50 and who has only ever dated twenty-somethings. Lovely man in a lot of ways but when the girlfriends start wanting rings or babies they are quietly ushered out of the door of his lovely home. :)

JoinYourPlayfellows · 09/10/2013 10:14

I think there is also an argument that it's not really unreasonable to be wary of commitment, as so doesn't count as a phobia.

Commitmentphilia is a common complaint amongst women, who are often far too interested in the commitment to take a good long look at the eejit they are hitching themselves to.

Corygal · 09/10/2013 10:22

Go, go, go. He might get second thoughts and try and get you back, but if he doesn't you're well out of it and have lost nothing.

GladitsnotJustMe · 09/10/2013 10:46

Be careful not to use leaving as a threat to try and force his hand though. If you threaten to leave you need to mean it and be prepared to follow through with it if he doesn't agree to what you want.

Commitmentphilia is a common complaint amongst women, who are often far too interested in the commitment to take a good long look at the eejit they are hitching themselves to - Completely agree with this. Someone I know had her life planned out, she would be married by a certain age, would have 2 kids by a certain age... found herself with a boyfriend at that 'pre-destined age', decided he would do. Forced him into commitment. She is now having an affair and claims she never really loved her DH...

So yeah, getting married shouldn't be your ultimate goal - but if OPs DP isn't willing to show any commitment, she needs to examine whether he's right for her.

Bogeyface · 09/10/2013 10:54

He is marking time, using you as someone to share the bills with.

Move on while you are still young enough to have choices about your fertility.

Original poster

Slumberparty · 09/10/2013 10:58

Thanks so much for all your advice. I wouldn't try and force his hand - I know he won't respond well to that. I am prepared to leave and tell him why. I can't believe I've let this situation go on so long to be honest... Just hopeful he'll change his mind I guess. But as someone said above, I have nothing to lose by walking away - he'll either chase me or not. Either way it's the better than continuing this situation I'm now.

OP posts:

LittlePeaPod · 09/10/2013 11:11

I can't believe I've let this situation go on so long to be honest

Op I wouldn't beat yourself about it. I have a friend that stayed in a relationship for 11 years before getting to the point you have. When she made it clear she wanted commitment he ended it with her. And now 2 years after they split he is engaged to someone else and they get married soon. He was only with this other person for a year before popping the question. This seems to be really common now.

At least you are not looking to hang around waiting for another 4/5 years. You seem to know what you want and it's a matter of understanding whether your future is with your now DP or someone else. If commitment and children are really important to you but not for him, then you seriously need to consider leaving him.

Lweji · 09/10/2013 11:24

Good for you.

I saw a colleague waste about 10 years of his gf's life while not being sure he wanted to be with her, or marry her, or having children with her, even though he knew he wanted to have children.

He just wasn't capable of ending it, possibly because she was comfortable to be with.

Just move on.

Long term relationships in late teens, early 20s, are natural. I don't see any reason not to move forward with a relationship once you enter your late 20s. And if it lingers, then it's not the right one for you.

LawofAverages · 09/10/2013 16:59

Good for you OP, really glad to see you have the strength to see the situation for what it is. So many others don't until it's too late

LaVitaBellissima · 09/10/2013 17:04

Good for you Op, as scary as it is, I think leaving is the right thing to do. Good luck

meditrina · 09/10/2013 17:10

Well, he might change his mind.

But any man who can accuse his long term partner of seeing him just as a sperm donor seems rather lacking.

HobGobbler · 09/10/2013 17:30

Good luck OP, you'll soon know it was the right thing to do

vincettenoir · 09/10/2013 17:45

I am in similar position to you circumstance wise although I have a mortgage with my dp and I am the one that is more of a commitmentphobe. From what you have said i don't think it's enough to conclude you are the woman who will do for now. That would depend on how your relationship is otherwise. And I disagree that something is wrong if blokes don't propose in late 20s early 30s. Not everyone has to lead the same generic life.

juneau · 09/10/2013 17:48

Great advice OP and exactly what I'd have said. When you both see a future together you talk about it pretty quickly IME and you don't wait around. I had relationships that went nowhere and so did my DH, but when we met we immediately talked about one day getting married and having DC together, because we both just knew it was right. If you're having to force and cajole something so fundamental, there is something seriously wrong. Yes, there are people who need a push, but your OH is not at all committed to you or your relationship from what you've described. Move on. Give yourself a chance to meet Mr Right.

ImperialBlether · 09/10/2013 19:01

OP, if you read back, you'll see you actually haven't said anything nice about this man at all.

Is there anything you've wanted to do, apart from marrying and having a family? Have you ever fancied changing your career or going travelling or living in a different area? Now is the time to do it!

See it as an exciting time in your life. If you stay, you'll be alone a lot of the time and the rest of the time you'll be panicking about whether he's going to change his mind. Take control and leave him - he's not for you.

Original poster

Slumberparty · 09/10/2013 21:28

Other than this, we have a good relationship, he's funny and we share many interests, have had some great holidays together etc. We see each other's families lots. He is a lovely man - other than him not committing to me in any way! I love him lots and can't imagine dumping someone I love. But I won't give up the chance of having a family for him.

OP posts:

superzero · 09/10/2013 21:44

It took me an unplanned pregnancy to realise that my partner of 4 years wasn't going to commit when I was about 31.His reaction was that the only option was termination and that the timing wasn't right,he wanted to wait until we were living together and had done things properly.We both had well paid very secure jobs and were property owners!Anyone who was sure about the relationship would have taken it in their stride and just accepted that a baby had come a bit earlier in the long term plan,if their long term plan was to be together.
Sadly I chose him,terminated and left anyway a few months later as I realised it had just been an inconvenience to him and he actually had no long term plan involving me.
I'm now happily married to someone else who showed more commitment in a few weeks than ex had in 4 years and have 3 DCs

Writerwannabe83 · 09/10/2013 23:09

I'm currently 29 and my husband is 31. We are married, have a house and I am pregnant with our first baby. We have only been together for 3 years.

My point is that when two people are right for each other they just 'know' and that commitment is something they want without the concept of 'pressure' even coming into the equation.

If I was you I would make the break - there are too many tales of women in their 30's 'holding out' for their partners to be 'ready' only to find themselves miserable and childless and nearing 40 and scared that they have left it too late but at the same time too scared to leave for fear of being alone.

Yo are only early 30's, plenty of time to meet somebody else and have a future and a family with a man who wants one with you x x

Flip

1 2