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Original poster

Need some orgasm advice

29 replies

PepperidgeFarm · 08/10/2013 23:16

Ok, sorry if the title is a bit blunt but wanted to grab your attention! And i really do hope some of you lovely (or even the not so lovely ones!) can offer advice.

I've been seeing someone for a little while now. It's all been going really well, we like each other a lot, get on, really enjoy each other's company etc. No major hiccups..except the sex. It starts off great, we enjoy each other's bodies, we both get very aroused. But then he can't seem to reach orgasm. He'll get close and then lose his erection. He has managed it a few times, and he says he has no trouble if he has a wank on his own (sorry if TMI but seems relevant). But mostly, we can keep trying for ages and he just doesn't get there.

Has anyone had any experience of this or have any advice?

OP posts:
sydlexic · 08/10/2013 23:20

It is obviously not physical, so probably just nerves. As you become more relaxed together it may sort itself out.

stretch · 08/10/2013 23:21

Would a cock ring help? That can keep erections going for a bit.

MumblingMummy · 08/10/2013 23:26

Hi, how frustrating for you. If he can manage fine on his own then PIV sex isnt doing it for him enough for him to orgasm. He has a psychological block of some kind. Im not sure how much youve discussed it but has he had this problem with other partners? Is he worried about something at your house (dc maybe) if you have any?

I know someone who had a similar issue and it turned out that he had a fetish he hadnt mentioned to his other half. He needed that stimulus to climax. Really, the only one who knows is him.

lubeybooby · 08/10/2013 23:27

Yeah this happens with my bf, except he doesn't lose erection. It's caused by his meds for depression.

It used to bother me at first but then we talked about it and I realised it doesn't bother him and he still feels fulfilled, therefore that's fine with me. He's also very attentive with other things and it's not so much of an issue.

He says he thinks we are getting there as we continue to get more comfortable (he was/is very shy as well) with each other and I still have a few tricks up my sleeve that may help things along... but I'm in no hurry and will wait for the right moment.

I just figure we'll get there one day and if it doesn't bother him then fine. I see it more as a bonding process and closeness and pleasure with no end goal apart from those things... if that makes sense.

If it bothers your man though and he wants to acheive orgasm with you try getting him to show you his preferred way of doing it himself so you know the pressure and style etc... and/or very gently using a vibrator across his balls with lots of lube...

Original poster
PepperidgeFarm · 08/10/2013 23:32

We have talked about it. At first he said he just needed us to feel more relaxed together and asked me to be patient. I've been more than happy to be patient and take my lead from him. I've also asked if there's anything else i can do for him that would be a turn on. He says he's very turned on but as soon as he feels he's getting close it just goes. I think it must be way more frustrating for him than me as I'm still getting a fair amount of satisfaction from what we're doing.

So far we've only been together when no DCs around. Thought maybe he just wasn't comfortable at my place but we've also had the same thing happen at his and at a hotel.

Also, don't know if this is relevant but he says he and his XW never used any contraception. He always pulled out. Could it be that he needed that little extra bit of risk/excitement in order to orgasm? If so, what can we do about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
PepperidgeFarm · 08/10/2013 23:36

Hey lubey, thanks for sharing that. (I've name changed for this so I recognise you even if you don't recognise me ;) )

As far as I know he's not on any meds. I'm fine with it - well, I'm mostly fine with it but I do get a bit tired when he wants to keep trying after we've been at it for quite a while! But it definitely bothers him - he ends up feeling very frustrated and I feel bad on his behalf.

I've tried using other methods to help him get there (just hands and mouth really) but haven't thought about trying vibrators or anythning - may be worth considering.

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 08/10/2013 23:42

I agree with the anxiety thing. The minute my EXP let the thought of losing his erection cross his mind.. Then it would. Got better with getting to know each other. Got worse with anti- depressants. Started taking a herbal thing called horny goat weed, that worked (not sure if it was psychological though TBH). He Even bought some random 'Viagra' stylee tablets from off of tinterweb. I encouraged him NOT to take and generally gave him lots of positive support. It went in waves. I read an article by Pamela Stephenson on this subject and she said something along the lines of the man has to retrain himself to orgasm with partner and not with his hand. Perhaps google her advice column. Also found success with additional stimulus... Not going into too much detail.. But other sensitive areas.. Including nipple biting. Never been asked to do that before. But horses for courses and he was especially attentive to my needs so why the hell not.

NotDead · 08/10/2013 23:55

for him:

  1. give up porn
  2. give up wanking
2a. if you do wank, wank gentle..feathery..lube

For you:
talk dirty.and touch him gently whist doing so
.be patient.. reawaken senstivity by being sensitive. .
let him wank himself with you but see 2a above

lubeybooby · 09/10/2013 00:00

Blush! everyone bloody knows me and I have no idea who they are Blush I never name change, cba...

Aaaanyway that's different to my situation with bf then as he really isn't bothered, he says he has the drive to want sex and feels turned on and it feels amazing and he has a great time, feels fulfilled, but he doesn't feel the same urgency as I do to orgasm ( I will stop at nothing to get mine, lol!) and he finds it difficult to do it himself too.

However I had a similar prob to yours with my exh sometimes so feel qualified to advise...

So as it's a bit more of an issue I'd go stright for the big guns and spend an evening making a point of not mentioning it, setting the mood, loads of foreplay, make sure you have got yours ;) get him very worked up, but stop before the point where he loses it if you can tell at all and switch to hand + vibrator. Make sure he can see your boobs too I have found that helps in the past (or arse is he is a bum man)

The idea being if you've had a sex session where the erection loss doesn't happen at all thanks to your pre-empting it then that will help him forget it the next time and eventually just relax into being able to overcome it without 'tricks'

if the same thing still happens don't stop as such, switch to using it on yourself while he watches and does it himself (just as a rescue to the plan and still fun for both)

JaceyBee · 09/10/2013 00:12

He may have been used to wanking with a 'death grip' was he single for a long time before you? If he lays off the wanking for a while before you have sex it might make a difference, also if he never came inside his ex that may be a hard thing for him to retrain himself to do now, he may have spent a lot of mental energy trying not to orgasm from piv which could take some undoing. Is he willing to work on it with you and try things out? Maybe a psychosexual therapist could suggest some things to try, would he consider that do you think?

Original poster
PepperidgeFarm · 09/10/2013 00:25

Thanks all, some good advice to start with. Will definitely google the Pamela Stephenson thing - I reckon if he wasn't used to coming inside his XW then he probably does have to "retrain" himself. I have tried offering additional stimulation but so far that's not helping...at least not enough.

Lubey I like your advice too. The first bit we've already been doing - setting the mood, feeling relaxed, lots of foreplay (& getting mine - he's very attentive like that!). But deliberately stopping and doing something different before he loses it sounds like a good idea - think I will suggest that next time.

Notdead don't think porn is an issue. would seem cruel to suggest he give up wanking as that's pretty much the only way he's acheiving an orgasm but I can see how that could be contributing to things. Obviously more friction when wanking.

I"m more than willing to be patient I just know it's beginning to frustrate him.

OP posts:
Original poster
PepperidgeFarm · 09/10/2013 00:28

Hey Jacey - x posts. I think it's been several years since he last had sex with his XW and don't think he's been with anyone else since. So lots of years of not orgasming from piv followed by several years of just wanking. I just wonder how long it takes to undo all that?

OP posts:
GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 09/10/2013 06:25

Where is Hulldad when you need him?

Original poster
PepperidgeFarm · 09/10/2013 07:12

Why Hulldad?

OP posts:
Seb101 · 09/10/2013 14:55

A previous partner had this problem.
After talking a lot about it and after a great deal of time we realised it was because:
A) he was used to wanking with a death grip, and needed that to orgasm. He had been single a couple of years with no sex; he'd grown used to climaxing with that level of pressure. My ex reduced masturbation a lot for a while and when he did reduced the pressure he was using. He had to re train his body almost. This worked wonders; within a couple of weeks he was climaxing easily during intercourse.
B) he was watching too much porn! Again being previously single he was used to watching porn frequently when wanking. The porn helped him climax. He was used to it.
Both these things together was causing the problem. When he reduced both, only temporarily, it fixed the problem very quickly.
Basically I think his dick had forgotten what it was like to climax during intercourse!

Original poster
PepperidgeFarm · 09/10/2013 19:47

Thanks all !

OP posts:
Original poster
PepperidgeFarm · 18/10/2013 22:32

Hello, I'm back. So we're still working on this, and well, that's kind of the problem. It's beginning to feel like work. I've tried suggesting we try and just enjoy the sex without focusing on orgasm as the end goal (I know, easy for me to say, I"m not the one NOT climaxing...). Learn more about each other's bodies, what we both like, getting him to show me how he likes to be touched etc. But he seems to be becoming quite obsessed with his "ORGASM". It's like it's a thing in the bed with us. He doesn't want to stop until it happens (which is now less & less frequently) and to be honest, after an hour or so I'm really not that into it anymore. And if he doesn't have one at night he gets a bit shirty with me that I generally don't want to "try again" in the morning. So what now??? Help me please.

OP posts:
Original poster
PepperidgeFarm · 18/10/2013 23:50

Anyone? What do I say to him when he says 'I'm not leaving until i have an orgasm'. He doesn't mean it completely literally and if I say I've had enough he would in no way force me. But it makes me feel selfish.

OP posts:
lemonstartree · 19/10/2013 07:49

Honestly I would say he is making this YOUR problem and I don't like his attitude much. Banging away when you are sore and tired is not nice , and his 'not leaving' dap undos vaguely threatening.

I would dump him.

Original poster
PepperidgeFarm · 19/10/2013 08:24

Ok, maybe it comes across wrong online but he is not the least bit threatening. He's actually extremely gentle and a little insecure. He's saying it out of pure frustration. I'm not saying I like his attitude - I do find it's starting to make me feel bad and a little uncomfortable. But definitely NOT threatened.

OP posts:
Original poster
PepperidgeFarm · 19/10/2013 12:20

sigh...no one else? Am i being selfish by not 'sticking at it' til he gets his orgasm? And if not, what do I say to him that won't sound mean?

OP posts:
Granville72 · 19/10/2013 12:49

Hmm, maybe go back to basics, just touching and kissing with no PIV or orgasms for either of you. Build up slowly until he can orgasm either by oral or hand from you then try PIV.

TBH if he's not interested in working at it together and taking your views in to the equation then I'd tell him to jog on and call it a day. If its already causing an issue it will only get worse.

Has he seen / would see a sex counsellor?

Abbykins1 · 19/10/2013 13:47

Hi Pepper,

Could you be a bit more specific about the time you have been seeing each other and your ages!!! If you feel you can!

Just in general terms though I think if he thought you would stick with him regardless of how long it takes,I mean the relationship not the orgasm,he would feel more secure and consequently more confident.

At the moment he seems to be setting himself up to fail.

bebopanddoowop · 19/10/2013 14:09

I'm wondering if he never orgasmed inside his ex and always pulled out that it is just a habit - have you tried it this way? So having sex up to a point and then both masturbating each other/yourselves to climax? I also 2nd the suggestion of a cock ring.

Original poster
PepperidgeFarm · 19/10/2013 14:41

We are both 40s with DC, both have ex's that we were with for a very long time. We've been together just a couple of months. The relationship thing is tricky - he is a little insecure about it and as much as I tell him that I really like him and love being with him...I can't give him reassurance beyond that because I'm not sure myself where I want it to go in the long run. I think he may be on the verge of the "L" word and is hesitating because I'm not there yet.

Thought about having sex then masturbating him to orgasm. We did actually discuss this as a possibility. But for me that's not an acceptable long term solution - it's just too messy and a little bit of a turn off. I'd be more than willing to do it a couple of times if it sorted out the problem but I'm actually worried it would make things worse. It would only reinforce the habit of not being able to come inside me.

I would be happy to suggest the 'back to basics' approach - no full on sex for a couple of weeks - but not sure he will go for it. I'm seeing him tomorrow so we'll see.

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