At the end of my tether with DH

[LifeIsJustThis]

Sorry in advance if this gets long a rambling, I'm 20 weeks pregnant and a bit bloody emotional at the moment!

DH and I have been together for 6 years, and he's a great guy; kind, caring, supporting, not at all controlling etc. Basically everything EXDH wasn't, which is probably why I fell for him.

The problem is he's so bloody disorganised and un-proactive (not that that's even a word but...). He does do at least 50% of the housework, but the only things he'll do without me prompting is washing and washing up (and only after me moaning for a long time about not wanting to wake up to dirty dishes every day). We shop together (because we both hate it) but only after I've made a list. Or stood over his shoulder while he makes one, despite us buying basically the same stuff every month.

He also doesn't seem to be able to remember to do things. Ever. For example, when we got married I added him to my current account and we agreed he'd shut down his as we didn't need multiple accounts. He didn't and he also 'forgot' to cancel the one remaining direct debit coming out of it. Three years down the line he still hasn't sorted this so he (we) currently owe hundreds of pounds (if not more) to his previous bank because of the dd taking him overdrawn and then charges upon charges etc. I don't actually know how much it is because the account is still registered to a previous address. Every time I mention it he says "oh yeah, I'll sort that out" but never does. I can't sort it out because it's in his name, short of frogmarching him to the bank which, frankly, I shouldn't have to do.

This has come to a head again this morning because he's started a new job today, and needed to take his passport with him. He knew he needed it and that without it they wouldn't let him start. I even asked him last night if he had it and he said it was in the car. Fine. So I get a phone call five minutes before he's supposed to start asking if I know where his passport is. I asked if he'd checked the car, yes yes he says but I'll have to tear it apart now because I've been in and they've said they can't let me start without it. I suggest where it might be in the car (fairly reasonable place) and guess what?

I'm just so fucking annoyed I could scream. Why didn't he check last night? Why did he go in before checking the car properly? He's hardly made a good impression on his first day has he FFS! And he's risked basically being fired before he's even started because he can't fucking organise himself like a grown man.

I don't know what to do. I'm fed up to the back teeth of feeling like I'm his PA. It's worse now that I'm pregnant because I'm scared of how I'm going to cope with a new baby (my first), and it's even worse feeling like I can't rely on him to make sure basic things like shopping and cleaning are done.

I've tried a big diary in the kitchen, with to do lists and dates when things are happening, but it just gets ignored. I've tried talking calmly. I've tried ranting and raving at him. I don't know what else I can do.

Any advice would be gratefully received! I can't talk to anyone IRL about it because, honestly, I'm just so fucking embarrassed that he's so inept!

Does he himself have any suggestions how he can get better organised? Does he even see it as a problem or does he fall back on you because it's easier? If he holds down a job, how does he achieve that? I'd be putting the ball in his court more & not picking up the pieces or checking things were done properly.

He doesn't have any suggestions tbh, just says he'll start doing stuff then never does. He aknowledges that it's problem, but I think that's only because it upsets me. I do get the impression that he'd probably bumble along if I wasn't around, and that's probably what he did before I was.

WRT holding down a job, I honestly don't know! I know it sounds stupid, but it genuinely baffles me how he does it. His job even has the word "Planner" in it's title, the irony of which never ceases to amaze me. He's had comments at work before about not being proactive enough and relying on other people to make decisions, but seems to manage to keep his job so it can't be that bad.

I've tried doing that, but I don't know how to not get stressed about things iyswim. I know it's my issue, but I don't like living in a dirty house because he's forgotten to hoover, or getting red letters for things because he's forgotten to make sure bills have been paid. Or like this morning, he's risked his job because he can't sort himself out.

How can I step back without getting annoyed, or actually panicking that he's going to lose his job or something?

It makes perfect sense that he relies upon others to make decisions at work. It's clearly how he gets through life so that's probably where you have to set your expectations. Pains me to say it but, if you're determined to keep hold, you've probably got to go for full management of anything important .. finances, documents, getting the cat spayed ... and be very specific about the rest because he at least sounds obedient. You can't afford to worry about his job because it's out of your control. It'll do nothing for your respect for him but it'll stop him being a loose cannon.

God, I would find this so difficult. I don't think I could have a relationship with someone who refuses to take responsibility like this. I've worked with one or two men like this and found it very stressful.

All I can think is that when the baby arrives your priorities will change and won't have time to organise him.

Are you sure there isn't some course I can send him on or something?

But seriously, there has to be a middle ground between taking responsibility for everything or leaving him?

Don't run after him unless you must ie it affects you directly.

So if he forgets something for work - his problem.

Do online shopping to minimise stress.

The DD - do you have online banking? Can you move it that way?

Does he do anything that he considers important? Can you shame him into action?

He's not going to change so you really just have to find a way to manage the important stuff like cogito suggested.

If you both hate shopping and you get the same things every week could you not just get an online delivery - might take one weekly stressful situation away for you

I think I'm getting deja vu. I'm not being sarcastic. This story, complete with the direct debit, is vaguely familiar.

OP I think all you can do is take control of the stuff which directly impacts you. If it doesn't, such as his lunch or hobby or whatever - then just shrug your shoulders.

It is bloody difficult Vivacia

I agree, but where does that leave me? I really only get involved with things that affect me. So, if he forgets his mum's birthday that's his lookout, but if he forgets to pay a bill or buy nappies/whatever?

Cold he go for counselling? I found it to be very practical - not necessarily discussing emotions and his childhood etc but practical ways to make life easier. I think you need to tell him what you wrote here; that you're not going to leave him but that it's making you unhappy. Once he realises the seriousness of it he might take bigger steps to buck up his ideas.

On the other hand, I recently read a book called Boundaries and it basically said you create your own boundaries. So if you continue to rescue him you aren't establishing any boundaries for yourself and he is not experiencing any consequences of his actions. So: stop helping, where possible. The passport situation is difficult as it's a new job etc but I bet there are situations where he could learn the lesson if you left him to it.

Massive crosspost sorry.

Vivacia this is the first time I've posted and it, unfortunately, all true. I've namechanged, so no history to check, but I promise it's real. Obviously there's more than one inept DH knocking about.

I guess I do just have to not get annoyed. I just really don't want to be the one 'in charge' iyswim, I don't think it's fair but there clearly isn't another way.

Thanks for the suggestions.

Paying bills - surely you have direct debits where possible and maybe you pay all other household bills.

Nappies. Well online shopping solves that sort of thing.

I would work out what motivates him - he must on some level realise he does this. I would tell him calmly that I found it disrespectful that he didn't pull his weight. If you set a deadline, would he do stuff? So tell him how much money he owes because of the direct debit and can he fix it by x?

You're probably right, Big but he seems to have a knack of just shrugging things off, from missing bills to being ranted at by his sisters for forgetting his mum's birthday.

Writing this out has made me realise quite how pathetic he is. Which is nice

Thanks again.

I wouldn't have told him where the passport was - he wouldn't have lost a job because of it!

Is he a mummy's boy by any chance?!

This is the point though creature I don't want to be the one in charge all the bloody time. He's a grown man, I don't see why I should have to chase round after him.

Yes we have direct debits, but sometimes things come up in his name (specific to him) which need paying manually. And yes I could online shop but it would be me every time. I could set deadlines and frogmarch him to the bank and buy his mother's birthday presents for him, but I don't see why I should have to.

Gah, I'm going round in circles with myself now. I think cogito was right from the start and there's only two options. neither of which I want to chose but there you go. Never mind. Thanks everyone for trying to help.

Sorry cross post. I'm pretty sure he would have lost the job creature it's his first day and they would've sent him home, end of.

Funnily enough he isn't really!

I just really, really feel for you LifeIsJustThis. I feel stressed and upset just reading about it!

Ultimately I'd be issuing calm ultimatums - sort or
Leave.

thanks Vivacia I was a bit scared I'd be told I was being stupid. Seeing other people agree with me has made it hit home how shit it actually is!

This sounds incredibly annoying. I would worry that the two options are take control of everything or leave also.
Possible other options to explore involve speaking to him seriously about the whole thing, not arguing over individual issues - does he realise this so serious that it could cause you to leave in future? Does he realise how upsetting and disrespectful it is?
The other option is to agree to make things equal but in a different way - so you will take more responsibility for getting things done as he struggles with that, but he will do more daily chores - ie. more than the 50% he does now. This could balance things more?

I think I agree creature it's just shit. I found the strength to leave the bastard abusive exh, I don't think I can do it again.

Really? Stop trying to change him. You can't and it will just enrage you. So you either work out a way to live with it or you move on. That may sound drastic but that is the reality and you could either wait a few years being unhappy and making futile efforts or take control now.

I think you need to work out together the best way to get a clean slate and how you are going to manage it between you going forward. Make an appointment for you both to go to the bank. Take his passport, get it sorted out and then move on. Transfer all the bills into your name and manage it. Much quicker than fannying about with wall planners and trying to make a grown adult who doesn't want to change, change.

On an ongoing basis you may need to automate some stuff (online supermarket shop for example - it saves your list so you just modify it to suit), outsource other stuff (cleaning, ironing etc) and the rest of the stuff you manage and delegate tasks that only he can do or just do it all and get him to sign his name or whatever.

Fwiw I couldn't live with such a wet man and nor do I buy any of that ken are helpless schtick... but you've married him now and I daresay there are other qualities that compensate for his faults so if you're sticking with him you have to take charge.

Would it be worth sitting him down and telling him just how upsetting it is and how angry it makes you? It sounds ridiculous but you could hand over one job per week and hope that after seven days of nagging he's got it?

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