At the end of my tether with DH

[LifeIsJustThis]

Sorry in advance if this gets long a rambling, I'm 20 weeks pregnant and a bit bloody emotional at the moment!

DH and I have been together for 6 years, and he's a great guy; kind, caring, supporting, not at all controlling etc. Basically everything EXDH wasn't, which is probably why I fell for him.

The problem is he's so bloody disorganised and un-proactive (not that that's even a word but...). He does do at least 50% of the housework, but the only things he'll do without me prompting is washing and washing up (and only after me moaning for a long time about not wanting to wake up to dirty dishes every day). We shop together (because we both hate it) but only after I've made a list. Or stood over his shoulder while he makes one, despite us buying basically the same stuff every month.

He also doesn't seem to be able to remember to do things. Ever. For example, when we got married I added him to my current account and we agreed he'd shut down his as we didn't need multiple accounts. He didn't and he also 'forgot' to cancel the one remaining direct debit coming out of it. Three years down the line he still hasn't sorted this so he (we) currently owe hundreds of pounds (if not more) to his previous bank because of the dd taking him overdrawn and then charges upon charges etc. I don't actually know how much it is because the account is still registered to a previous address. Every time I mention it he says "oh yeah, I'll sort that out" but never does. I can't sort it out because it's in his name, short of frogmarching him to the bank which, frankly, I shouldn't have to do.

This has come to a head again this morning because he's started a new job today, and needed to take his passport with him. He knew he needed it and that without it they wouldn't let him start. I even asked him last night if he had it and he said it was in the car. Fine. So I get a phone call five minutes before he's supposed to start asking if I know where his passport is. I asked if he'd checked the car, yes yes he says but I'll have to tear it apart now because I've been in and they've said they can't let me start without it. I suggest where it might be in the car (fairly reasonable place) and guess what?

I'm just so fucking annoyed I could scream. Why didn't he check last night? Why did he go in before checking the car properly? He's hardly made a good impression on his first day has he FFS! And he's risked basically being fired before he's even started because he can't fucking organise himself like a grown man.

I don't know what to do. I'm fed up to the back teeth of feeling like I'm his PA. It's worse now that I'm pregnant because I'm scared of how I'm going to cope with a new baby (my first), and it's even worse feeling like I can't rely on him to make sure basic things like shopping and cleaning are done.

I've tried a big diary in the kitchen, with to do lists and dates when things are happening, but it just gets ignored. I've tried talking calmly. I've tried ranting and raving at him. I don't know what else I can do.

Any advice would be gratefully received! I can't talk to anyone IRL about it because, honestly, I'm just so fucking embarrassed that he's so inept!

I don't think he does realise how bad it is tbh. I have tried having an 'overall' rather yhan individual things conversation, but it still doesn't work.

That's not a bad idea, but I worry about being controlling and overbearing (kickback from exh I guess) It's certainly worth thinking about though, thank you.

Men not ken. I'm sure ken is very practical

Quite obviously, this is who he is and he won't be changing any time soon.
I think you have two options: either you accept this as part of his personality and make arrangements to protect yourself and your household from it, or you tell him to shape up or shove off - and mean it.

Personally, I couldn't live with a giant toddler so I would choose option 2. I suspect your life really will become intolerable once you have a baby to manage as well as all that crap.

Sorry I went away to eat dinner.

Thanks K8 you are right, of course, and any friend telling me the same things would get the same response.

Vivacia I think I'm going to have to do exactly that; sit him down yet again and make him see somehow that this can't go on.

Squitten again, you're absolutely right of course. As much as I don't like ultimatums I'm realising it's probably the only way. That's what I'm scared of. Looking after myself and a baby and an adult is not what I want.

Thanks again to everyone. I think the ultimatum conversation will have to take place shortly, and we'll see how it goes. I can only hope it works, or I'll have to deal with starting out on my own again.

My DP is one of these types. Disorganised, scatty and confused. He has improved considerably since DS1 arrived. It might be that a baby is the shock your DP needs to finally get him to take responsibility for things.

I no longer do everything for him as its exhausting (I'm 25weeks pg with DS 2) and everything relevant to him, but not to me or DS, falls to him and if it's not done tough shit. It only took a few days for him to realise.
My nightmare would be ending up with 3 men like DP used to be, who need permanent organisation and chivvying along. Luckily DS1 is a very tidy, routine orientated little boy.

Could you show him this thread?

No answer I'm afraid but I can sympathise. I was with my ExP for 6 years who was exactly the same. I ended up doing everything and became his bloody mother. He then cheated on me as I never had any time for him!
Good luck and I hope you solve it as it will lead to major problems once the baby comes and your resentment builds.

I used to be a lot less organised before having dc. It's like something switched in my brain since they've been born!

My father is like your dh. I am convinced that he has some sort of attention deficit issue. He always manages to keep his jobs too although they comment on how disorganised he is.

I'm with beepoff
It's not normally a good idea at all but could you show him this thread.
Maybe not where it came from - just cut and paste into a word doc or something and leave out any reference to MN on the doc.
I think he needs to be given another chance but really needs to see how it makes you feel and how complete strangers can see just how awful and frustrating it is?
Worth a shot if things are at the stage where you are thinking of an ultimatum - surely????

OP I feel your pain. I really do.

I am going through the same thing with DC2

I think you have two options:

1. Leave him to it and let him face the fall-out and try and calmly sail through it

1. Hold his hand, mother him and try to let it wash over you

FRustrating isn't it?

I used to be like this prior to having children and for a while afterwards as well to be honest. In my case at least it was partly a tendency to rely too much on my patchy memory, partly plain-old procrastination and partly because it didn't really seem to matter that much. One way or another, things generally sorted themselves out and if they didn't, well, I'd take it on the chin and deal with the fall-out. It was a reactive way of approaching chores rather than a proactive one. Once I had children then this strategy didn't work as well but between me and my (then) DP things still got sorted as needed, more or less.

Once I became a single parent then it flat-out didn't work at all as there was just too many things to need to juggle. I had to get more organised otherwise I would've drowned. I'm a lot more proactive than I used to be. The important things get done when they need to get done and I plan my time a lot better. But I reached that point because I had to.

Strangely I'm a lot more organised at work. But, again, that's because I have to.

Sounds like classic passive-aggressive behaviour. Are there hidden anger issues here?