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Original poster

Mismatched libidos, ttc and being made to feel like a nymphomaniac

73 replies

Changinitupabit · 08/10/2013 14:55

From day one it's been clear DH has a very low libido - he is of the opinion our sex life is great and that having sex twice a month (at the absolute most) is a fulfilling and busy sex life. Sex is also very dull and DH really struggles to ejaculate.

Me, I'm used to relationships where daily and adventurous sex was the norm, the pressure wasn't on to climax because the act of having sex was so fun. Now it just feels like a chore. I haven't told him this but have told him that it would be nice to try something new once in a while.

We are TTC and desperate to fall pregnant but DH can't see the correlation between his low sex drive and lack of ejaculation and our difficulties conceiving he actively feels like I'm the one with the problem and that my sex drive is abnormally high.

I've given up coming on to him because I'm now too hurt from continual rejection and crap excuses for not having sex, so it's all on his terms only now and I feel I have to comply or I simply don't get to have sex.

I don't know what to do. DH is perfect in every other way, he is kind, easy going, generous, funny, sexy. Just in the bedroom, it's, well, shit.

I have name changed btw but would like to hear some views as to what to do.

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfellows · 09/10/2013 12:00

I think you should leave him and look for someone who actually wants to have sex with you.

I couldn't live the rest of my life with crappy, infrequent sex and a husband who thought I was a nympho.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2013 12:00

AI with her own DH's sperm? I don't see much point 'harvesting' the guy when it doesn't solve the root problem. It's the missing intimacy and the lack of enthusiasm (either for the ttc process or getting some kind of help with the ejaculation problem) on his part that seems to be driving the OP frantic

DistanceCall · 09/10/2013 12:09

it's all on his terms only now and I feel I have to comply or I simply don't get to have sex.

That's awful. Really, really awful. I'm sorry to say this, but this isn't a wonderful, kind man.

Lweji · 09/10/2013 12:13

AI with her own DH's sperm

Yes, as a possibility.
It can be stored if produced outside the normal window of fertility and then used when ovulation is detected.

Of course the main problem here is the lack of sex, that's why I suggested it to the OP if she is confident that the marriage will last and that lack of sex itself is not a problem, except for ttc.

Only the OP can judge whether she's prepared to live with the lack of sex or not.

Lweji · 09/10/2013 12:15

I wonder, Distance, if that would still be considered awful if the OP was a man complaining about lack of sex with a woman.

Yes, you need to decide whether you want to live with it or not, but yes, not wanting to have sex beats wanting to have sex in any relationship.

Thisisaeuphemism · 09/10/2013 12:23

"DH can't see the correlation between his low sex drive and lack of ejaculation and our difficulties conceiving he actively feels like I'm the one with the problem and that my sex drive is abnormally high."

You've got problems here and it's going to get worse.

RaspberryRuffle · 09/10/2013 19:29

I'm with the others saying put TTC on hold.
You need to sort out the (no) sex issue first before anything else, even if that means deciding to go your separate ways.
Apart from being good fun, fostering intimacy and burning calories, sex is a great stress reliever. I can't imagine only having sex twice a month and then for it not even to be fulfilling.
Can he 'sort you out' if he is not up for PIV sex himself? Not that it helps with TTC but as I said that should be on hold for now.
What kind of home atmosphere would you be bringing the potential DC into? Would you just flip at some point when you're under pressure with a baby and haven't had sex for months and reach out only to be rejected? Can he reassure you that his low sex drive doesn't mean he doesn't find you sexually attractive? Can you see yyourself like this in 5, 10, 20 years?

Not trying to sound harsh, just asking so you can think things through.

friendlyanimal · 11/10/2013 11:19

Just thought I'd share my experience which may be relevant. I left a kind, gentle, pleasant husband who had a very weak libido for a very sexy man who promised everything but delivered nothing (except loads of sex) and subsequently dumped me. I have since found someone else and I am starting to be happy again but my advice would be to think hard about all the other things your DH offers you. I know how demoralising it can be to feel "undesirable" but you need to evaluate what else your DH gives you before you head off into the wilderness. I had emotionally wobbly years after leaving DH and it has not been easy to find someone else and forge a new relationship. Happy now, but it has taken years

ALittleStranger · 11/10/2013 13:16

Lweji I don't think anyone's querying the practicality of AI with the DH's sperm. The focus is on whether TTC is a good idea with a man who doesn't even want to fully participate in the marriage.

Lweji · 11/10/2013 14:07

You could also read my posts in full.

The OP seemed fairly ok with less sex than she'd wish for.
Her main complaint is now that it is necessary for conceiving.
So, either the lack of sex is a problem for her and she should leave, or it's only a problem regarding conception and there are ways around it.

Twtls123 · 17/01/2021 19:32

@Changinitupabit I’m in a very, very similar position. What happened? Did you stay with him and get pregnant?

Guineapigbridge · 18/01/2021 01:51

The grass is not greener out there. It really isn't. You could be single with no sex and no baby and the dregs on online-dating, or with this guy with boring sex but at least companionship and a baby.

BTW once you have kids - especially 3 or more - twice a month won't seem so out-of-the-ordinary.

Newstaronhorizon · 18/01/2021 02:20

It gets way worse with time, you 'll be companions and room mates only within 5 years.

From my experience and others men get worse the moment a man is confronted with an unhappy sexual partner. To do with the fragile male ego. Any raising of the subject of poor/ lack of performance produces a sharp withdrawal from their critic.

Don't even go there. My DH and I were at it like rabbits in our 30s which produced lots of DC thank goodness. He always had a low sex drive though and now we, like all the couples we know, haven't DTD for years.

If you are in your 30s time is not on your side for DC. But it sounds like he's a great partner for you so you need to be realistic.

Does he masturbate daily? You could ask him to collect the ejaculate to inject yourself with?

user1481840227 · 18/01/2021 02:56

Oh come on. It's not simply a correlation....we've all heard that correlation does not equal causation....but it's crystal clear that if you are hardly ever having sex and he's not even ejaculating that that is causation!!

He's not stupid enough to believe that and if he's trying to imply that to you then you really need to tell him it's completely unacceptable to twist reality!!

Are you sure he desperately wants to try for a baby? It doesn't sound like it.

I think you should end the relationship. This is only going to cause more and more problems in your relationship. What if you do miraculously manage to have a baby and then want to try for a sibling for your child...are you going to go through all this nonsense again?

AnyTimeSoon · 18/01/2021 06:36

Well I think you are in the wrong here. You say you knew from day one that his libido was like this- so why then did you choose to marry him??
Some people are not everyday, raging for sex. Twice a month is also perfectly acceptable for both people who agree to this. The issue is that you knew your libido were mismatched and now you are trying to change him.

Thingsdogetbetter · 18/01/2021 06:59

7 year old zombie.

gutful · 18/01/2021 07:04

“At the very least I need to get him to see we simply need to be DTD more frequently“

Well no, sex is a want not a need.

You ovulate once a month.

If you want more chance to conceive then try to time having sex when you ovulate.

You can’t force someone to agree that you need to have more sex.

If you were a bloke saying this you would be slated for it.

Also people advising the OP this marriage is no good - they have always had this amount of mediocre sex & the OP willingly married him knowing this.

So it’s known that sex can often become less after children.

Doesn’t this mean the OP may in future want less sex as well?

Shiverywinterbottom · 18/01/2021 07:14

OP I was/am in a similar situation. My DH has always struggled ejaculating during intercourse. TTC was difficult but we managed it. We now have two beautiful kids and had 3 miscarriages prior to that.
We didn’t need to have sex every day to achieve this. It was very clinical and unromantic though lol.
I’d use ovulation tests and on my 2 most fertile days, My DH would have to play with himself until he got close and then would finish off inside me.

Like yours mine has a low sex drive too. We’ve had sex once between Christmas 2020-21. To be fair we had a difficult year and a lot going on in addition to the stressful Covid situation so it’s not a fair reflection. But once/twice a month used to be the norm for us.

12 years we’ve been together and married for 9. We have a good marriage and are very happy. I need more sex though snd starting to feel frustrated. I totally understand where you’re coming from x

gannett · 18/01/2021 07:19

The best advice in the thread is from @Dontgiveupjustyet and it's certainly worth trying that.

But his sex drive may just naturally be what it is without any underlying factors. And he's entitled to have sex as much or as little as he wants without being made to seek help, pushed around to doctors or made to feel as though it's a failing. A woman with a lower sex drive than her partner would NEVER be treated as though she has to fix that for his sake on this site (quite rightly).

So unfortunately the situation is probably just mismatched libido - which indeed is often intractable and only gets worse. You might be able to compromise by scheduling sex, as deeply unsexy as that sounds, but it'll still be less than you want and more than he wants. Worth having that conversation but if you don't get anywhere with it you do have to ask yourself whether this is something you can live with for the rest of your life.

I think you should hold off on TTC until this has been resolved.

PornStarOvaltini · 18/01/2021 07:37

I think, as you've alluded to, that you've got to sort out this issues as a priority OP. Get to the bottom of his disinterest in sex. Most men have normal to high libidos so this is very unusual. What is the cause? Low testosterone? Low self esteem? A porn habit? Men of that age have grown up watching porn and become bored & desensitised to regular sex with regular people. Maybe he sees you as too good. Too nice. I would do some investigating - on his phone/laptop - firstly, then get his hormone levels tested as a starting point.

gannett · 18/01/2021 07:49

I would do some investigating - on his phone/laptop

This site is completely insane sometimes

maras2 · 18/01/2021 08:07

Insane is correct as this thread is over 7 years old.
Z O M B I E.

FinnGermey · 18/01/2021 09:33

I believe they had a child & it has now just graduated from University.....

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