Mismatched libidos, ttc and being made to feel like a nymphomaniac

[Changinitupabit]

From day one it's been clear DH has a very low libido - he is of the opinion our sex life is great and that having sex twice a month (at the absolute most) is a fulfilling and busy sex life. Sex is also very dull and DH really struggles to ejaculate.

Me, I'm used to relationships where daily and adventurous sex was the norm, the pressure wasn't on to climax because the act of having sex was so fun. Now it just feels like a chore. I haven't told him this but have told him that it would be nice to try something new once in a while.

We are TTC and desperate to fall pregnant but DH can't see the correlation between his low sex drive and lack of ejaculation and our difficulties conceiving he actively feels like I'm the one with the problem and that my sex drive is abnormally high.

I've given up coming on to him because I'm now too hurt from continual rejection and crap excuses for not having sex, so it's all on his terms only now and I feel I have to comply or I simply don't get to have sex.

I don't know what to do. DH is perfect in every other way, he is kind, easy going, generous, funny, sexy. Just in the bedroom, it's, well, shit.

I have name changed btw but would like to hear some views as to what to do.

Zita West is the one who recommends frequent DTD.

I think it's this one www.amazon.co.uk/Plan-get-Pregnant-Zita-West/dp/1405320524/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&qid=1381242927&sr=8-12&keywords=zita+west

I understand you're in a real quandary: you've got a lovely partner he just has a lower sex drive than you.

But if he doesn't want to have sex more often, then it's not fair to pressure him.

Realistically, if you want this to work long term, you have to accept having far less sex than you want, and also make peace with the constant sense of rejection. The only alternative find someone with a more compatible libido.

I don't think it's fair to have a kid with him simply because you don't think you've got time to find someone else, because the problem is not going to go away, and you may end up splitting over it in the long run.

If you are happy to live with little sex, fair enough - I couldn't do it, but if you can and you love each other, fine.

But it's disturbing that you feel continual rejection and that you're made to feel like a nymphomaniac. It should be clear to him, assuming he's an intelligent person, that he's unusual in this respect, and he should be reassuring you that you the problem isn't with you, that he loves you, finds you attractive etc, but doesn't want much sex. So that aspect of your OP rings alarm bells with me.

As does the fact that he can't seem to correlate lack of ejaculation with lack of pregnancy If he really is desperate to have a child with you, he would either be trying to force himself to have more sex, or looking for alternative solutions, therapy, etc. Either he's in denial and doesn't want to face his problem with sex (which would be totally understandable btw, but is something that should probably be sorted out before ttc) or he doesn't want to have a baby that much.

If as you say everything else in the marital garden is rosy, then I think what Twinklestein says 'you have to accept having far less sex than you want, and also make peace with the constant sense of rejection'

No relationship is perfect, you've got to decide if you can live with nearly perfect.

As regards the TTC, I would concentrate on only having sex when you are ovulating as your DH isn't going to be willing every other day, which was the recommendation when I was TTC.

Neither one of you is wrong about the level of sex. Twice a month is no more abnormal than twice a day. The point is that your expectations don't match and neither one of you is able to see the other's POV.

If sex is important to you, the lack of it is almost certain to destroy your relationship at some point. Eventually, that hurt and rejection you feel will translate into resentment. That resentment will eventually pervade the rest of your relationship until it all falls apart. You might not split up over it, but you'll be far from happy. It's a recipe for disaster and not a dynamic any sane person would deliberately choose for a child to grow up in.

If you want to continue TTC in this situation, be honest with yourself about your motives. You could subconsciously be deciding that you don't want to miss your chance to be a mum under any circumstances, and that the risk of bringing a child into a relationship that is likely to fail is a risk you are willing to take. If that's the case, you need to have a good think about your future. There is nothing wrong with wanting the child more than the relationship, but if you want to do that ethically you need to be honest about it.

But it's not just less sex - it's shit sex.
Sorry but for me this would be a deal breaker.
I like it a lot and have found a partner that does too.
It's very important for us.
Humans and dolphins are the only animals on earth (I think??) that have sex for pleasure.
Do you really want that pleasure taken away for the rest of your life!!
Because that's what it boils down to.

Unless..... You can have a frank and honest discussion about this and get to a sex therapist to try to improve things. If you love each other then surely you should both try this first. It may not work but worth a go.

Or.... as someone else said - he could be gay - there's been quite a bit of that on here recently.

Have that frank discussion first and take it from there.

And Bonobo chimps hellsbells. They're right dirty little bastards!

I've name changed because I'm going to go into detail here.

OP, I've been where you are now and it is possible to work it out. You might not end up having three times a night, swinging from the lampshades dressed as Tarzan sex but things can get better.
Your feelings of rejection and always having sex on his terms resonate very strongly with me and like you this came to a head when we were TTC. I became quite depressed and eventually sat DH and told him how it made me feel. I had spoken to him before about it before but it was always very emotionally charged and he always just left the conversation. Like you, DH was amazing in every other way and I didn't want to leave him but the situation was hard for me to tolerate.
The time that I felt made the difference I chose a time when I was calm and that wasn't connected to sex at all. I was able to tell him how hurt I was and in return he told me that he really wanted to have sex with me but had had some bad experiences with partners not being as kind as they could in the past, had never moved past these experiences and had become frightened of having sex. This stopped him getting much pleasure from it and that in turn made him feel that sex was something that wasn't important. When I became frustrated about it he felt it was the same old senario replaying itself and he also felt that after so many years he couldn't admit to being scared of sex.
It hasn't solved things entirely but it has opened a conduit for communication which didn't exist before. I have some idea of what things are triggering for him and he's much more aware of how the lack of sex affected me. He's more relaxed about sex now and is enjoying it more so wants it more. Our sex drives are never going to be in perfect synch but we're at a place which is much better for both of us.

Oh and we did manage to conceive a gorgeous DS and are having a pretty good time trying to make DC2

Good luck OP, it takes patience and changing your expectations and his but it can work.

Why wouldn't it be good circumstances to bring a child into?!

Because you are mismatched in an important (to you) area of your relationship.

Marriage (surprise, surprise) didn't alter the mismatch and having a child (if you manage it) won't either. Have a conversation about your marriage and what type of marriage you want because if being fulfilled sexually and being desired is on your list of what you consider an important part of marriage then he hasn't, isn't and won't be able to reciprocate. He is probably relieved that you no longer initiate sex because now he does't even have to bother inventing excuses not to have sex with you, result! It is a poor relationship when your dejection and sadness is met with relief by the your partner.

Address this now; before you become pregnant and this gets swept temporarily under the carpet, before the resentment increases and eclipses all his other qualities, before depression and self esteem issues set in and before you rebel and look outside the relationship for sexual fulfilment.

This is not a relationship that children should be brought into.

BTW, are you sure he understands how babies are made, only an idiot would think that ejaculation issues and sex twice a month wouldn't negatively impact conception. I suspect he isn't an idiot though, just somebody who wants to avoid talking about sex as much as he wants to avoid having it.

Honestly put the trying for a baby on hold for now. Your relationship sounds completely mismatched, you're not a nympho and having sex twice a month is pretty low, plus how does he not realise that this is affecting the chances of you getting pregnant which makes me think is he really that keen on starting a family?

I'd be worried, sex is a bit part of a relationship and you sound really resentful towards him, and understandably so. Not sure how you work this one out, I'm more worried about bringing a baby into the mx tbh.

Istanmy sex drive took a right nose dive when I was pregnant and first had DS and this gave us a bit of a breathing space to work things out.
DH is great dad and a highly supportive partner, he was just shit scared of having sex. I'm aware that the OP's situation won't be exactly the same as mine but it a bit harsh to say that she shouldn't have a kid with the man she loves.

Nobody is saying don't have a kid with the man you love. We're saying it's maybe a good idea to put that on hold just now. Just cos you love someone doesn't make it alright.

Jan, I was responding to Istan's post:

This is not a relationship that children should be brought into

I actually think, depending on how the OP's DH responds to talking it out, stopping to TTC right now might be a good idea.

I bet he will be masturbating in private a few times a week unfortunately.

He sounds like a lovely man with a problem. He says it's always been a problem. So get him to the doctor for hormonal checks and a thorough check. If physically ok, then therapy. It's really sad he's missing out on this pleasure.

Hopefully you can both reach a compromise and be happy. (And have some lovely babies, at which point sex takes a bit of a back seat anyway!)

Hmm I don't know snoogy, I assumed not if the sex drive is that low especially if it's a lack of testosterone or something. If he is, of course, it drastically changes the situation (IMO) as it means it's not that he doesn't have a sex drive, it's that he doesn't want to have sex with his wife. :(

Yes, 10-15 times a month, that would be brilliant lol wonder if there is something I can find online, print off and subtly leave on his pillow lol
seriously though, I know our chances of conceiving are slim with such infrequent sex!

Why do you need to do this subtly? I presume he's agreed to TTC. He needs to understand that having frequent sex is part and parcel of that. (I'm also presuming he's not a moron, but am a little surprised that he doesn't get this already). You should be able to have an open and honest conversation about the fact you're going to struggle to achieve something you supposedly both want unless he steps up.

But other posters are right about compatibility. Shit/dull/infrequent sex erodes at a relationship. I used to cry secretly after some sessions with an ex P because as much as so much was right, the thought of year after year with someone who couldn't find their way around a clitoris ate away at me.

Are you really going to be happy to have shit sex at most twice a month for the next 30, 40 or more years?

To have given up initiating because you get rejected. The knock to your self esteem etc.

Little sex doesn't mean it has to be crap sex. He could still make an effort.

That he is passing all the blame on to you and saying you are abnormal isn't the sign of a fantastic in every other area partner to be honest. Does he really want a child? Because it sounds like he is saying he does but his actions suggest otherwise.

Also I don't know if it is normal but when I got to my late 30s early 40s I wanted much more sex.

I think communication is so key. My DH and I don't have sex very frequently, but I have grown to accept this. He is very affectionate in other ways and I don't feel rejected. The feelings of rejection are making you feel despondent perhaps more than the lack of the sex atc itself.

Have nc for this. DH and I have massively mismatched sex drives, it's horrible being rejected time and time again and it makes me feel like I'm the unreasonable one. I'm sick of it, I totally get where you're coming from.

DH is a lovely, kind, caring, funny & considerate man but this problem gets me so upset and hurt. He is affectionate though, which helps.

I really don't know what to suggest OP. We've been together well over 20 years now. It doesn't get better, it gets worse as time goes on.

Is there any kind of compromise you can both agree on? How is he when you talk about this, my DH naked more of an effort after a deep convo about this, but within a few weeks, it all stops.

Good luck and I hope that you can work it out.

I strongly agree that you need to put TTC on hold until this problem is resolved.

At the moment:
You both believe that the other is "the problem". That is a serious obstacle to resolving any relationship problem.
You're feeling rejected, hurt and sexually frustrated.

You're not being honest with him about how bad sex is for you.
It sounds like you might not be able to communicate openly and in a straightforward with him about some extremely important things (your sex life and having a baby) when you joke about printing something off and leaving it on his pillow.
You believe he is as 'desperate' for a baby as you, except his actions very clearly don't support that statement. If he was that desperate, he'd be looking for ways to overcome whatever the problem is. He presumably has a basic grasp of biology, so if it's not happening then you need to ask yourself and him some hard questions.

All of these things point to a lack of real intimacy between you, and I'm talking about real honesty not sexual intimacy, and it does not bode well for your future - unless you can speak to him like Dontgiveupjustyet suggests and he responds by listening, being honest with you and making some changes.

I still wouldn't laugh at him being gay/ porn user. he may have physical problems but until you have explored all the options don't laugh at any of them.

I don't think you should be pressuring him now just because you want to conceive.
On the other hand,
We are TTC and desperate to fall pregnant but DH can't see the correlation between his low sex drive and lack of ejaculation and our difficulties conceiving he actively feels like I'm the one with the problem and that my sex drive is abnormally high.
is pants.
Surely he should understand that less sex and no ejaculation means no baby...

Anyway, the best time to get pregnant is when you have the egg white mucous, because it is designed to better support sperm.

Do you think it would be feasible to have full sex at those times, or would he feel put off because of pressure?

BTW, after 2 years TTC, I got pregnant over a one time with DS.
So, you don't necessarily need sex 15 times a month, particularly if those 15 times are outside the fertile period. :)

And I agree that if this can eventually be a reason for splitting up, then try to put TTC on hold.

If you are confident that it will last, then consider insemination with his sperm.