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Original poster

I'd like advice on how to get over myself regarding a friend, please!

36 replies

Kleptronic · 08/10/2013 11:38

I've got a friend who is immensely popular and a people pleaser. She has battalions of friends she has on a revolving list, now it's this one's turn now that one's. I really like her and don't have many (any!) friends myself.

This friend and I used to get our hair done together (for her it was a two birds, one stone, can fit someone else in situation) and I'd go round once every couple of months and we'd share a bottle of wine. She would never come to mine despite invitations, she likes to be in the hostess role.

She has in the past year moved floors in the office and made two new good friends as she sits with them now. I've fallen down the list some way. No more hair, no more evenings.

So recently she's been saying, oh come round this week and we'll have a catch up. Once it actually got arranged but she blew me out.

Now she's emailed me saying come round next week and bring your tarot cards and is it ok if one of new friends comes too.

Now I know this is pathetic and I am a grown woman but I feel hurt and I need to get over it. I understand that I don't mean as much to her as she does to me, but I feel a bit like I've been demoted to the hired entertainment.

I really want to say fuck you and your new friend but I know that's just the hurt child inside me. She doesn't like 'jealously' and has spoken disparagingly of the other new friend who is a bit jealous too - the three of them have got a bit of an eternal triangle going on.

How can I resolve my hurt feelings and accept the friendship on the terms it's being offered? Or equally, should I recognise that this friendship doesn't offer me what I would like from a friendship, grow a pair and let the friendship go?

OP posts:
bestsonever · 08/10/2013 11:45

You can chose either path, though I'd say a friendship is not like a relationship so you can't expect exclusivity. It means more to you as you don't have your own friends which is the thing to tackle - only you know why that is.

Yougotbale · 08/10/2013 11:49

I don't think you should scrap the friendship. It's good to have different groups of mates to unwind with.
Friendship levels are not constant. They ebb and flow.

Why not try and increase your friend membership?
But you need to be less emotional about them. Remember that you are the most important person in any friendship you have

Anniegetyourgun · 08/10/2013 11:50

Jealousy is a destructive and unattractive trait, but it sounds like this woman accuses people of it just so that she can get them to put up with being used and dropped over and over.

It's nice to have a friend you can rely on. This woman is not that friend. So I really wouldn't accept it on the terms it's being offered, because you aren't a fashion accessory she chose to wear tonight instead of one of the others in her extensive collection. You are a human being with feelings. OK, the feelings may be a bit childish sometimes, but what is an adult other than a child who got big? (That's my excuse!)

In an ideal world you would go to your friend's, meet her other friend, hit it off with the latter and cut out Miss Popular altogether. So by all means go if you look on this as an opportunity to meet someone new and/or have an evening that's a bit different from sitting in with the telly, but do try not to take it too seriously. She really is not that kind of friend.

Longhairedcat · 08/10/2013 11:50

I wouldn't go I have to say. I would feel exactly like you, that she only wants me there to be the entertainment. She doesn't sound the right sort of friend for you, I know she wouldn't be for me

flowerpotgirl12 · 08/10/2013 11:51

You need to try and find friends outside of this woman, join local clubs or events etc. to meet new people.

You for some reason are relying totally on one person to meet all your emotional needs and it's not really fair. She has every right to see what friends she wants and you have no right to have the hump.

Jan45 · 08/10/2013 11:52

Keep her, go if it suits you only. She may lots of friends but they won't be real friends, well not all of them anyway.

You need to broaden your horizons and make new friends of your own, she's not got anything you don't have!

Yougotbale · 08/10/2013 12:01

I must add...I don't think she's using you as entertainment. She invited you the week before (people cancel for many reasons). She reinvited you and asked you to bring some cards with you. I presume it's not an effort to take them with you. I pressure you enjoy doing readings and that is why you do it. I'm guessing you don't do readings full time 9-5.

If you think you are being used. Pretend you forgot to take them with you.
The cards seem like a toy you don't want the other friend to play with.

Original poster
Kleptronic · 08/10/2013 12:08

Thanks all. I don't expect exclusivity, at all whatsoever that would be stalkery! I'm not relying on her for anything, as I've seen her a couple of times a month at most anyway for the past year or so.

I lost friends when my marriage broke up. Working full time with a kid and a dog to juggle doesn't leave me many chances to expand my social circle.

So I do agree she's most likely totemic for me, in an 'at least I have in friend!' sense.

I know I'm being a sad sack here, just want advice on getting over myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kleptronic · 08/10/2013 12:12

Doing someone's cards is for me something I invest a lot of energy and attention into. I'm in no way woo but see them as a way to help the other person reflect on where they are in life, where they've been and where they want to go. So I don't babble any old shit, and put a lit of effort into it. It's hard work not a toy!

OP posts:
Yougotbale · 08/10/2013 12:17

Ok, if you put the effort in why not practice it.

I mean it's not like you are a hairdresser and working 10hour days, and she wants you to go round and colour and style her and her friend's hair. Or you work full time as a plumber and she wants you to come round and fix her boiler.

Can't the cards tell you what to do with the friendship?

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 08/10/2013 12:22

Sorry but you do need to get over yourself a bit here.

She's been polite and asked you if it is okay if this other person comes along - take that as a complement, some people aren't very good at sharing their friends.

Also who knows, you may get a bit of a thing going here with the Tarot cards, and next time she could get more of her friends over and you will meet more (potential) friends. Things can evolve in a good way - you just have to go with the flow - if it suits you that is.

Don't be desperate it really does puts people off.
Good Luck.

Original poster
Kleptronic · 08/10/2013 12:23

Grin If only, they don't work on yourself! That's why I've turned to Mumsnet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kleptronic · 08/10/2013 12:24

Yeah I really do need to get over myself.

OP posts:
Yougotbale · 08/10/2013 12:25

I'm guessing they don't work on anyone.

Original poster
Kleptronic · 08/10/2013 12:27

I'm glad some people would've felt the same though, I'm not completely beyond thank fuck!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kleptronic · 08/10/2013 12:30

You're right Yougot, they do nowt, it's me that does the work, it's like ad-hoc sideshow counselling Wink

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 08/10/2013 12:32

We've all been there Klep!

As YouGotBale said: "Friendship levels are not constant. They ebb and flow."

Try not to take things to heart too much. Hang loose a bit. Remember we are ALL in the same boat.

Yougotbale · 08/10/2013 12:44

Why have the cards then? If you are counselling, I'd definitely get good insurance

Original poster
Kleptronic · 08/10/2013 12:45

Aw thanks Keep.

OP posts:
comewinewithmoi · 08/10/2013 12:53

You need to find more friends

Go if it suits you but don't Ben over backwards

Go if you enjoy her company

Look at this a great opportunity to make another friend

You are being petty

comewinewithmoi · 08/10/2013 12:55

I do think everyone have niggles with friendships

Original poster
Kleptronic · 08/10/2013 13:01

'If you are counselling, I'd get good insurance'

I presume you're implying my counsel would be shit, Yougot?

If so, well yah boo to you too, random snippy interweb person :P

OP posts:
youretoastmildred · 08/10/2013 13:04

I think this friendship is never going to be the one that gives you what you want but you need to keep up this sort of thing to make social contact with people who can become deeper tighter friends with you. If that is the sort of friendship you need, you have to put yourself out there to be available for it, and somehow not take it to heart when people treat you in a more casual way.

Original poster
Kleptronic · 08/10/2013 13:22

Thanks yourtoast I think that sums it up well. Will give it a go and try not to take stuff to heart.

Thanks people of Mumsnet! Going to take myself outside and give myself a damn good talking to.

OP posts:
LovelyGarden · 08/10/2013 14:09

I feel for you, it's horrible when you realise that a friend means more to you than you mean to them, happened to me recently. I would distance myself a bit, and definitely don't do a reading in this frame of mind. I would go along, but e mail her beforehand saying you're giving yourself a bit of a rest from the readings - without actually lying and saying you'd forgotten them.