Question about sex

[Longhairedcat]

Just wondering if any of you wise MNetters have any thoughts on this

I have met a lovely man quite recently, a few weeks ago in fact. He has treated me, so far at least the best I've ever been treated by any man. He's kind, sensitive, loving, funny. And I feel very at ease with him but perhaps a little bit of sensible caution thrown in as its early days. We talk for hours about everything and nothing, I thought he was a bit over keen too quickly to begin with, however when I told him this he has shown me he can back off and not force anything. I really feel respected by him

I must add we are not a young couple, middle aged would best describe us. Now to the little issue. Sex. He is gentle, loving and caring but seems to have problems getting an erection sometimes and when he does he won't penetrate me. He says he wants to but he has to feel safe and secure with someone before he can let go. He says he is normally like this at the start of a relationship until he trusts that he's wanted.

This Is all new to me. He's fantastic at everything else it's purely when it comes to penetration. We have only been to bed together twice so I'm hoping it will be ok, he tells me it will

Well that's a nice sentiment but - and I'm conscious I'm projecting here so ignore me if I'm way off - if you're a capable, together, 'awesome' woman you have to be careful that the other person doesn't see you solely as their strength and salvation (is that a psalm?). You're not on the earth to bolster someone's ego and hang around waiting for them to feel secure enough to have sex. If at any stage you feel there's too much 'take' and not enough 'give' going on you can say no thanks

If anything he seems to be doing much more giving at the moment. Can't say I see myself as a capable 'awesome' woman

But I do see what you mean

Back for an update

I do really like this man and its mutual. We have fun talk for hours ect loads of shared interests and I fancy him. Yet still no penetrative sex. He manages everything else and is good at it, sorry if tmi. He says he wants to do it yet when I ask well why doesn't he do it he just says " I don't know" which is clearly ridiculous. I'm pretty sure he lacks confidence generally not just sexually. I've honestly not come across this before. I don't if its something to do with my ex, perhaps too much has been said about my ex and the fact he was abusive and sex mad. This was just said whilst having a heart to heart one night about our pasts. Any thoughts? It's been 2 weeks since we first stayed the night together

Do you think he would consider sex counselling? Or would that make things worse?

I don't feel I can say that at this early stage in relationship. Frankly I think he would be too embarrassed. I'm just upset because he's almost perfect in every other way. I get all sorts going through my head. He suffers lack of confidence, is he still hung up on his ex? Is he like this because of what has happened in the past to him that's knocked his confidence even more?

I do really feel he's a decent guy otherwise I'd be off.

Polite bump

Maybe he's really worried he won't be able to maintain his erection long enough and is just too scared to try penetrative sex in case it's a disaster for him, in view of what your reaction might be and how humiliated he'll feel if he fails? And he is too ashamed or embarrassed to tell you all this, perhaps. Obviously just guessing.
I'm a little surprised you fancy a man who you think lacks confidence in general. My experience has been that what you describe, i.e. his being nice, sensitive, kind, etc. are nowhere good enough to be a turn on for most women. Confidence is usually a top priority for them and an absolute 'must', just as height is no matter how much they'll deny it. Both definitely the case, in my experience.
If you continue this relationship with a man who in his early 50s is already affected by ED it's likely to get worse, not better, unless it's just a case of changing medication, e.g. changing from beta blockers to something else. Perhaps he takes pills for blood pressure/hypertension? Some types of pills may affect his ability.
If penetrative sex is really important to you you'll have to think hard about whether you want a man, no matter how suitable he may be, who might struggle with this problem and fail to solve it. Although there is Viagra to come to the rescue maybe.
If nothing happens soon, well, it doesn't look too good. It's totally unnatural for a man to be in bed with a woman and not to be gagging for intercourse!

werner I totally know what you mean about a man who is nice but lacking confidence ect can be a turn off and in the past I have felt that way with certain men. However in this case he is all of those things but not in a wimpy or pathetic way. Hard to describe but he's actually very sexy to me anyway. He definately knows how to turn a woman on in bed. Yes he's on meds for high blood pressure, I have seen them. My gut feeling is that he's worried about maintaining an erection he's very keen to please me in other ways though

I think I've answered my own question really. I like him enough to stick around and see how it goes, he treats me really well and I really love his company, he's fun to be with

He sounds a lucky man to have you being so fond of him and willing to be patient. Wish I'd been thought of as 'very sexy' to a woman, just once in my life!
As far as performance is concerned a lot of it is about male pride. It's a highly sensitive issue tied in with one's feelings of masculinity, of being a 'real man', strong, virile, and still able to make a woman pregnant... and all that! It's humiliating to be doubtful that you are able to have sex - the 'real' thing - penetrative sex, I mean - with a woman...