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Original poster

Question about sex

60 replies

Longhairedcat · 08/10/2013 07:05

Just wondering if any of you wise MNetters have any thoughts on this

I have met a lovely man quite recently, a few weeks ago in fact. He has treated me, so far at least the best I've ever been treated by any man. He's kind, sensitive, loving, funny. And I feel very at ease with him but perhaps a little bit of sensible caution thrown in as its early days. We talk for hours about everything and nothing, I thought he was a bit over keen too quickly to begin with, however when I told him this he has shown me he can back off and not force anything. I really feel respected by him

I must add we are not a young couple, middle aged would best describe us. Now to the little issue. Sex. He is gentle, loving and caring but seems to have problems getting an erection sometimes and when he does he won't penetrate me. He says he wants to but he has to feel safe and secure with someone before he can let go. He says he is normally like this at the start of a relationship until he trusts that he's wanted.

This Is all new to me. He's fantastic at everything else it's purely when it comes to penetration. We have only been to bed together twice so I'm hoping it will be ok, he tells me it will

OP posts:
EdithWeston · 08/10/2013 11:22

I don't think you have to be "incredibly insecure" to not yet be fully confident when a relationship is only a few weeks old.

Only you can decide if the way he phrased it was a reflection of where he sees the onus of making a relationship work. Or if his performance worries simply came out like that. Not everyone speaks carefully all the time. As you say you are naturally cautious, and something about this has bothered you enough to post about it, then it's something keep an eye on. As no doubt are many things in the very early days before you know your partner well.

Original poster
Longhairedcat · 08/10/2013 11:46

It's very hard to know anything for sure at this stage. My gut tells me that he doesn't think the onus is on me to make the relationship work as he certainly doesn't seem like an " it's all about me " man, quite the reverse actually. I would definately say he is besotted though and I think the ED issue may be down to performance anxiety and partly medical. I will have to see how it goes

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Jan45 · 08/10/2013 11:57

Oh poor guy, sounds like he's had some past trauma with sex and a partner, it's only been a few weeks, he sounds lovely, stick with him, hopefully once the sex becomes more regular he will relax more and be more able to perform.

Original poster
Longhairedcat · 08/10/2013 12:06

The thing that makes me want to stick with him is that I can just sense in everything he not only says but DOES is that he's a very caring person

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WaitingForMe · 08/10/2013 12:07

It's be a red flag for me. If he relaxed, would he then suffer insecurity when you had a fight. How long would it then be before he felt secure again?

If he has problems so severe they affect him physically he needs a counsellor not a sympathetic girlfriend.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2013 12:12

It's clear you like him and I don't think anyone here is saying he's uncaring or that you have to ditch him over this. It's just that you were obviously bothered enough by this to post a thread and sometimes you have to be alive to your own judgement rather than feel you have to make too many allowances. Very best of luck

Original poster
Longhairedcat · 08/10/2013 12:19

cog I think I doubt my own judgement sometimes due to a previous bad relationship where he could make me think black was white.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2013 12:33

OK well that's important. If you know your judgement is off then even more reason to keep checking that you are satisfied that you are acting 100% on your own volition, that you're happy you're making decisions on a sound basis and not making too many allowances. It's dating, it's not a serious relationship, and it should be fun and easy-going. Not complicated or throwing up big questions

valiumredhead · 08/10/2013 13:03

I'd give it little while longer OP, you've only slept together twice. Personally I don't think it's any different from a woman getting to know her new partner and needing to feel relaxed before she can orgasm.

Original poster
Longhairedcat · 08/10/2013 13:06

Good point valium never though of it like that. It's just I had never come across this before and was unsure what to think. Now I must stop over thinking it and see what happens

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valiumredhead · 08/10/2013 13:24

Yeah, don't give it too long but I'd give it a couple of months to form a proper opinion. If you're not happy then time to move on.

Original poster
Longhairedcat · 08/10/2013 13:40

Just one more thing. I think I was surprised by it because he's very affectionate lots of kisses cuddles handholding ect. I think he did mention before the first time that he sometimes has difficulty in that department and mentioned something about medication

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 08/10/2013 13:54

Medication can definitely affect things. Hope it works out Smile

TheCatIsUpTheDuff · 08/10/2013 15:36

DH had a bit of performance anxiety in the early days, and wanted to take the sexual side of things much more slowly than I'd been used to in previous relationships. He was lovely so I went along with it and within a few weeks it had all resolved itself.

Original poster
Longhairedcat · 08/10/2013 16:00

Si it appears that all might be ok after all then and it's not that uncommon. I'm glad to hear that because I really like him

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Original poster
Longhairedcat · 10/10/2013 06:59

I feel a bit guilty posting about this on here but here goes

Ok so third night of staying over. This time it progressed a bit further as in he did get hard but still wouldn't have penetrative sex. He did come however. Also this morning he was almost fully hard, but this gradually went when I went down on him. Sorry if its tmi. I seriously have never been in a situation like it and what do I do?

He just tells me he's usually like this with someone new to begin with but I felt he was avoiding penetration. He's very attentive in all other ways both in and out of bed. Why would he avoid penetrative sex? What do I do? Just back off? Am I over thinking the whole thing?

OP posts:
Lweji · 10/10/2013 07:16

I've sort of been there in my last relationship.

It didn't get better, even though we only really spent the night once a week or less, but for almost a year. He blamed the lack of contact. Hmm and didn't see a doctor about it.
He was also very affectionate and touchy feely with no pressure for sex.

Anyway, I'd be weary of him putting you on a pedestal. It is a red flag, so thread carefully.

But I'd give it a go and see what happens if you really like him. Then decide what to do.

Original poster
Longhairedcat · 10/10/2013 07:23

Do you think the putting me on a pedestal and being unable to do penetrative sex are related?

It's just so bloody typical, I find someone who I get on with and who seems really nice and now this!

Why is him thinking I'm great a red flag necessarily?

OP posts:
Original poster
Longhairedcat · 10/10/2013 10:35

Bump

OP posts:
Lweji · 10/10/2013 10:46

Putting you on a pedestal is not thinking you are great.

Perhaps he is not putting you on a pedestal, but if he is then it means you seem unattainable to him. I'd worry that he needs to put you down to feel safe.

See Too Good To Be True
Also this
And Prince Charming

It should be put into context, of course, but it would raise my eyebrow, because falling from the pedestal hurts.
You should feel equals.

Personally, I'd give it a bit of time, but if it doesn't improve any time soon, I'd wonder if it will ever.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2013 10:53

"Do you think the putting me on a pedestal and being unable to do penetrative sex are related?"

If you add pedestals to not being even able to look you in the eye on your first date because he thought he was so inferior, yes. Arousal is different for everyone but a big part of it is 'relaxation'. If he's too shy, insecure, inexperienced, too in awe of you or something else is preventing him from relaxing fully and enjoying sex then there's a link.

Original poster
Longhairedcat · 10/10/2013 11:04

cog he actually told me he was in awe of me. Used those very words. Oh dear it's not looking good is it?

I'm prepared to give it time as I think he seems like a good person but do you think it can work itself out as he gets to know me?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2013 11:11

It's quite flattering to have someone in awe of you, but it can get very old very quickly if you're the one having to make all the moves or constantly reassure him that you still like him. I dated a Mr Nervous once, the sex was also pretty lame (I think he actually said thank you afterwards... grim Confused) and I eventually started to despise him for being so pathetic.

Lazyjaney · 10/10/2013 11:18

The not penetrating bit sounds odd to me. It's too early to tell definitely but after a few months if things stay the same it's probably never will change.

Original poster
Longhairedcat · 10/10/2013 11:24

cog oh dear the "thanks" does sound a bit grim. He just tells me he's proud of me because of the job I do and the way I handled myself during marriage breakup ( can't go into it here) just my character as he knows it so far

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