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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help - detective work & snooping

41 replies

neveragainsept · 07/10/2013 22:18

Ok, I really need some help. I have reached the point where I need to snoop. I cannot move forward otherwise.

Internet history shows DP has viewed Uniform Dating and Zoosk, both dating sites. I have registered myself as a user but cannot find his profile on either.

I really want access to his hotmail account but don't know the password. This would tell me once and for all if anything untoward is going on (if he is using these sites/messaging anyone etc). I haven't mentioned anything to DP, I don't see the point.

How do I gain access to his hotmail? What's keylogger software all about? Please help.

I don't believe I'm a bad person (for snooping) - I just need to know the truth.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 22:29

Don't snoop because it's really not necessary. Tell him that you know for sure he's been using dating sites and gauge his reaction. Cheats are often not clever people. You'll know if he's lying. Bluff him out... crack on you know much more than you do.

Of course, this much mistrust must be coming from somewhere...

bestsonever · 07/10/2013 22:33

Sorry, can't be any use with the IT snooping side, but suggest you give deep consideration to the treatment or behaviour displayed by your DP that lead you to decide that snooping is required. Think about weather you have to accept the way he may be behaving towards you regardless of the reasons behind it. Sometimes, just not meeting the standard you should set for yourself is enough to let him know he's failed to make the grade.

friday16 · 07/10/2013 22:33

How do I gain access to his hotmail?

By breaking the law (specifically, Computer Misuse Act 1990 S.1).

Original poster
neveragainsept · 07/10/2013 22:34

Thanks for the reply - but surely he'll just say he clicked on a pop up ad by mistake? He very rarely goes out and I don't see when he could have cheated so he could well laugh in my face and tell me I'm being ridiculous (and I'd probably believe him). I'm just wondering if he's chatting online. He'd deny it.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 22:38

So if he never goes out, why the mistrust?

bestsonever · 07/10/2013 22:38

But what is making you wonder? Are you happy together in life? Where has all this come from?

Original poster
neveragainsept · 07/10/2013 22:43

Cogito - The mistrust simply comes from seeing these sites on his internet history.

We are not massively unhappy together but have very young children and parenting has killed our sex life. My mind wanders and I think he must be finding it elsewhere.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 22:47

If the relationship is stale and your sex-life has dwindled, maybe you're better off in the first instance throwing down the challenge of improving that. You can say there were dating sites in the internet history, you've no idea what the hell he thought he was doing browsing other women but he'd better forget it ... warning shot across the bows... and treat it as 'motivation' to take the relationship a lot more seriously.

friday16 · 07/10/2013 22:51

Anyway, a worthwhile thread to read. I've added two-factor authentication to my outlook.com account.

lifehacker.com/add-two-factor-authentication-to-your-microsoft-account-474939951

CressidaMontgomery · 07/10/2013 22:52

Sounds like curiosity to me at this stage. But curiosity that needs a stop putting to it.

In this situation I'd tell him I knew and ask him to explain it all to you I think

Original poster
neveragainsept · 07/10/2013 23:00

I do agree with you both - Cressida and Cog - but I'm sure he'd just deny it, make me feel stupid in the process, then still not put any effort into our relationship or make any changes. If he's been talking online or having any kind of emotional or sexting relationship I'd rather just know for sure now and leave.

OP posts:
CressidaMontgomery · 07/10/2013 23:03

What's your relationship like in general? That's a key issue I feel.

In your shoes, yes, I'd be gutted and I'd want to know exactly what was going on. If he rarely goes out then this has a definite feel of curiosity to me. Only you know if its something you can move on from.

And err... Uniform dating?! Hmmm

Original poster
neveragainsept · 07/10/2013 23:07

^ he does wear a uniform. Hmmm.

The relationship is generally good, we get on very well. But we've been together a long time and the relationship has changed dramatically since we had children. We live like housemates.

OP posts:
Original poster
neveragainsept · 07/10/2013 23:08

He is due home shortly. Maybe I should just ask him.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 23:13

Just asking is often the best thing to do. However, a man that doesn't think he has to make any effort to keep a relationship healthy probably needs a bit of a kick in the arse.

Spree · 07/10/2013 23:18

I can understand why you feel you need to snoop before confronting.

Does he use the home computer more often than his mobile to access the Internet?

You can buy keylogging software online but use a credit card where he doesn't see the bills.

They are also available for mobiles (think mobistealth or some such has been recommended before).

The keylogger will log the strokes on the computer so everything he types (or anyone else using the computer) can be captured.

Good luck

user765 · 07/10/2013 23:22

I wouldn't try to read texts or emails - been there and done that. What you find out may hurt you beyond belief. You will also find that once you start, you can't stop and his texts/emails will become an obsession. Confront him with what you already know.

Albert27 · 07/10/2013 23:41

Agree with user - snooping becomes like an addiction.

I accessed emails, texts, phone bills, invented FB and Bebo pages. The stuff I found was devastating beyond belief. I ran eventually.

Confront him with what you know. He will no doubt come up with various ridiculous excuses and they are what you need to work with/deal with. I'm afraid I've become quite firm about it and all this "i was just looking or stumbled across it" shit doesn't wash with me. What the hell are these men looking for. I've never stumbled across it or accidentally signed up for anything like it.

CharityFunDay · 08/10/2013 00:42

On-topic but unrelated to OP.

Is there a way of figuring out (from an email) where the sender sent it from, geographically? Perhaps even tying it to a landline/mobile?

I ask this because I have just been asked to have an affair with a relative stranger, and I think his partner ought to know.

Spree · 08/10/2013 01:10

I will put another perspective on the snooping here.

Most of you who snooped found really hurtful things which made you flee.

Perhaps this is what the OP needs to know - that it is truly bad and she needs to run.

For some people, only knowing a little bit might not be enough to turn their back on the relationship or break up DCs home.

I speak as someone who snooped and am leaving.

Albert27 · 08/10/2013 01:25

Yes Spree. I snooped and left after three years - counselling, date nights, putting out when i didnt really want to. But He was destroying me. He made out my snooping was to blame.
What OP has found is enough. RUN. And move on as soon as you can.

Mumrunragged · 08/10/2013 02:00

I can understand your desire to snoop OP, I did the same when I had suspicions too. I snooped but he was very clever and deleted history, cleared cache etc. it was just by chance I found a secret PAYG phone he'd bought and was hiding. The evidence I sought was there in black and white. I have to warn you, it was devastating to read and rocked my world to the core.

I hope your suspicions are unfounded x

Nepotism · 08/10/2013 02:55

Charity - show the header of the email and there should be an IP address. Google "IP address finder" and you may be able to narrow it down. Not 100% reliable but it worked for me and the police were able to arrest someone on the basis of it.

Spree · 08/10/2013 05:10

Albert - they're all the same, they will turn the tables on you and make you feel you were wrong for snooping.

But what's more wrong? The cheating and lying or the snooping to confirm the cheating and lying.

I have been there too and in hindsight, would say to the OP to leave now but I think it's almost a process when you're right in the midst of it.

You want to find out more to confirm your worst suspicions so you can feel justified in leaving.

I'm sorry you wasted 3 years - I wasted a year and a half and yes, it really took that time for me to finally see him for what he is and I kick myself for wasting time on a "reconciliation" where I was doing all the work, the reading etc etc

OP I hope you find enough to help you find the strength to leave him.

Hormonalhell · 08/10/2013 07:51

I'm on zoosk n it's amazing to see how many married men are on there. You can spot them a mile off, limited or no photos, reluctance to meet, only their certain times of day. It goes on a lot unfortunately Hmm

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