Please help - detective work & snooping

[neveragainsept]

Ok, I really need some help. I have reached the point where I need to snoop. I cannot move forward otherwise.

Internet history shows DP has viewed Uniform Dating and Zoosk, both dating sites. I have registered myself as a user but cannot find his profile on either.

I really want access to his hotmail account but don't know the password. This would tell me once and for all if anything untoward is going on (if he is using these sites/messaging anyone etc). I haven't mentioned anything to DP, I don't see the point.

How do I gain access to his hotmail? What's keylogger software all about? Please help.

I don't believe I'm a bad person (for snooping) - I just need to know the truth.

You cannot get into his hotmail without the password. Believe me. I've tried. Don't bother. It will mess with your head

Ask him

I normally say to get evidence but I actually think it sounds like he was browsing/ checking it out. Perhaps he did chat to some women. If you ask, he's not going to admit it but similarly I don't think you'll find anything online/ be able to hack emails.
If you confront and pretend you know EVERYTHING then you'll tell a lot from his expressions and tone of voice. If he gets extra defensive/ angry for instance, it's a classic sign he's hiding stuff. I totally agree with AF, most cheaters aren't even good at Being dishonest. My own twunt was terrible at it- I knew straight away. It could be the chance your relationship needs to get back on track after having children....maybe he'll realise what he stands to lose and will sort his shit out.
Have in mind what you're prepared to put up with and what's your deal breaker. If after this he makes no effort to reassure you, discuss relationship etc etc then perhaps this is a chance for you to reassess what you want.
Hope you're ok this morning. Sending positive vibes your way x

If you trust your DP so little that you need to snoop, then your relationship is over anyway...

But you don't know WHY these things are on his search history. I'll bet if you looked up the history of a lot of Mumsnetters you would fine some REALLY suspicious (and some quite horrible) looking things!!

I mean if just looking at the site makes you worthy of suspicion, what would registering to it make you look like? Because that is what you have done.

If there is NOTHING apart from those searches that have made you suspicious then I think you just need to ask him - he might have a friend who has registered on there, he might have read about it on a site, etc.

If there is other behaviour that feels odd and these searches are what you can grasp, then a bit more investigation/snooping might be worthwhile.

Ask him, don't go all neurotic snooping and basically breaking the law. It sounds like he was looking at the very least, he can deny it all he wants but you know he's been on dating sites so either he fesses up or it's over, simple as that really, if he can't be honest with you when caught then you're stuffed.

I wouldn't have any qualms about doing a bit of detective work and snooping if I was suspicious. The trouble with asking you won't know for sure especially if you do suspect something is going on. If he's never out then I don't think he could be meeting up with anyone.

If you decide you want/need to know what your husband is doing online/emails etc, the only way is key logger. It's undetectable on the computer, you'll get emailed all info. It's easy to install and use; you don't need to be a computer wiz! Think 'web watcher' is recommended. Just be cautious; what you find may throw your life into complete chaos. But I understand that sometimes you NEED to know. Asking him is a waste of time; he'll deny! He'll also then be more careful because he'll know your suspicious.

It's undetectable on the computer, you'll get emailed all info. It's easy to install and use; you don't need to be a computer wiz!

It's actually trivial to detect, and will almost certainly be detected by standard security software.

And it's not easy to install or use

Friday 16 and bitoutofpractise
Really... I had a close friend use software and she found it easy; they helped her take steps to avoid Internet security software picking it up. She said it took 5 mins to install, was completely invisible, and all info was sent privately to her with password access. It gave her her sanity back after months of doubt. After her experience I thought I'd recommend it to op, but if you have different experiences I'd be interested to hear about them, that way I'll be cautious about recommending it in the future! Have you used this software and had problems???

I have just name changed to make a very similar thread, but I will make my own anyway, its probably best.
Your husband might have a secret hotmail you dont know about anyway you know neveragainsept. :(

I understand the need to find some evidence and snooping, I did the same. If you find anything though, it will hurt beyond belief and you won't be able to forget what you read/see. No need to do that to yourself, it becomes like an addiction until you do find something - I know.

The truth always comes out in the end. Instincts are very rarely wrong. Just protect yourself.

Ask him to log on to his Hotmail account in front of you so that you can see for yourself. He won't have a problem with this if he has nothing to hide. If he refuses, you have your answer.

Seb101, key loggers, and all other spyware, are inherently detectable. It is not possible to install software which cannot be detected.

The "steps to avoid Internet security software" are just telling the currently installed virus scanner "yeah, I know, that's there already" so the keylogger is not flagged. It is trivial to avoid that: just looking at the list of exceptions will reveal it. And if at any point a new version of security software is installed, then the tweaks will not have been made and it will immediately detect the logger.

If the other parties using the computer are naive and trusting, then keyloggers won't be spotted at first glance, and might remain hidden for a few weeks. If they're remotely competent, and maintaining the machine in a secure condition, then it will be detected fairly rapidly. Your n=1 anecdote doesn't overcome the fact that it is impossible to run software which cannot be detected, it's just a matter of how much effort you force the other party to expend in order to find it. It's just an arms race.

Operating system vendors have good cause to want to make keyloggers as hard as possible to install: they are the best way for malware to steal credit card details. So keylogger installation inherently requires you to turn off assorted protections against keyloggers. The moment they're turned back on again, out it pops.

Ask him to log on to his Hotmail account in front of you so that you can see for yourself.

Good thing no-one ever thought to have two email accounts, isn't it?

You've said you're expecting him back, so he must go out sometimes.