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Original poster

Sex dating sites - what would you do?

44 replies

arghhhagain · 07/10/2013 20:58

Here it is in brief -

  • Snooped on fiancĂ©'s phone whilst pregnant, drunken messages to girl from work telling her how pretty she is and how he wished he'd stayed there with everyone who went out.
  • Suddenly has a pin on his phone
  • Finally figured it out (Yay) and checked messages and found nothing.
  • Part of me still feeling suspicious so checked his internet history...

Porn, porn, porn and more porn. This im not toooo bothered by. But he has also joined 5/6 sex dating sites. He has done this by creating a secret email address. His other one I made for him for his xbox because he's not amazing on computers.

As far as I can see he's not a full member on any of them so he can't send or receive messages so I don't get why he's on them?! Just to check real people out? He's joined in the last week by his emails.

I feel so hurt it's untrue but I don't know what to do. I cant mention it or he'll know I snooped Blush

P.S When we first got together I kissed someone else, completely took responsibility for it. Found out he'd joined some site and he said it was as revenge and he's sorry. Has he been on them all along you think?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 21:20

Who knows? All we know for sure is a) he's on them now and b) you don't trust him. Of course you can and should mention it. But, before you do, I suggest you know what you want the outcome of the conversation to be.

AnyFucker · 07/10/2013 21:23

Well, I know what I would do. But you need to figure out what you want to do.

How will you feel when he minimises this, says things like it was just a bit of fun and he hasn't shagged someone (yet). When he says you are just as bad for snooping. It's your fault because you don't give him enough attention

etc

You need to be clear in your own mind what you want, because he isn't going to hold his hands up and say "fair cop, guv". They never do.

Original poster
arghhhagain · 07/10/2013 21:39

He's just going to say exactly what you've said.

There's no good end to this really.

OP posts:
CressidaMontgomery · 07/10/2013 21:42

Oh I think that there is a good end to this one.

The end being turfing his sorry lying arse out. Come on .... Enough eh? Don't let him make a fool out if you for a moment longer

Original poster
arghhhagain · 07/10/2013 21:47

But can I justify splitting my family up and changing my whole life over what he might be doing or about to do? I'm not sure if I can. Which makes me pretty pathetic tbh.

OP posts:
CressidaMontgomery · 07/10/2013 21:49

Where does the 'might' come into it? You've seen with your own eyes what he is doing. Really - this is not normal. And if you ignore this then it will continue.

He will not stop . Sorry but this is a fact

AnyFucker · 07/10/2013 21:50

He is the pathetic one.

What kind of "family" is this really, when one of the principal members is acting like a sexually incontinent sleazeball

How embarassing he is. A poor partner and a poor example of a father

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 21:51

It's not pathetic. A relationship - especially one with children - is a very big deal. But he's the one that has changed your whole life, not you. He's turned it from 'happy and trusting' to 'I have to check his phone and twitch every time he gets a text' Hmm

Original poster
arghhhagain · 07/10/2013 21:56

I said "might" because although he's joined (which is awful enough to me) he's not messaged anyone yet as he's not paid subscription yet.

I don't know whether I can sit and see if he does.

I told me friend today and found all this out on Saturday, I felt ashamed to tell her.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/10/2013 21:58

The shame is his, love, not yours.

Dahlen · 07/10/2013 22:03

I'm sorry you're feeling so down about this. It's quite a shock and a moment in your life that is going to be very significant. I can imagine you are reeling. Sad

I hope this doesn't sound flippant, but when you are faced with doing something terribly unpleasant, it's best to remember that it's never good idea to compound one mistake by making another. Your fiance is a sleaze ball. Staying with him may avoid "splitting up your family" but the price you pay for that is children growing up with the way he treats you as a role model for their future relationships and a mother who is increasingly bitter and frustrated following years of never being truly loved and having to police her partner's sexual activities in order to keep their relationship monogamous. And you'll be unhappy.

Life is too short. Whatever pain and upheaval you experience now will be short lived compared to a lifetime of that.

Wishing you strength.

Albert27 · 07/10/2013 22:15

This happened to me. I stayed for three years and became paranoid, my self esteem plummeted and I became an untrusting shell of who I really am. He lied, lied and lied until he eventually said it was no big deal.

A close friend advised me at the time to run, not walk. I wished I'd listened then.

I felt embarrassed to tell friends but then realised it wasn't my embarrassment/shame to hold on to. He was the shameful one.

Wishing you strength. You deserve better.

AbbyR1973 · 07/10/2013 22:27

That's a horrible and shocking thing to find out about somebody you love. I know because it happened to me. This is my story in case anyone learns a lesson from it.

I was in the end stages of my first pregnancy when I the first suspicious thing happened. I was on our shared computer and an MSN messenger dialogue box popped up for ex-DH. It read "LOL! You naughty boy 3-timing A*!!" He was away at the time and I had never ever even considered that he might cheat. When he came back I asked him about the message. He laughed it off and said it was just friends messing about and he would never do anything like that. It seemed so far removed from everything I thought I knew about him that I believed him. A few weeks later I was at home late one night and ex-DH had gone out with his mates. I was about to drop with DS1. The telephone rang and a lady asked for him. I said he was out and I would appreciate not being called quite so late as I was sleeping and about to give birth. The lady apologised but phoned back 5 mins later and said she thought I should know as he had been cheating with her. In the early hours of the morning ex-DH arrived back and I confronted him. He said it was a lady that he had blown off that night in a club trying to cause trouble for him. I was reassured. A week later I went into labour. Ex-DH went out saying he was going to help a friend with some DIY but would pop back if I needed him. I had a very lengthy and difficult latent stage labour. I called him and got no answer on his phone, for hours. DS was born a few days later, but I felt things were not right, lots of odd stuff happening. I snooped in his phone a few weeks later and found a text message from yet another different lady which made it blatantly clear he had been cheating. This was the 3rd different lady. I confronted him and he admitted to having an affair, but said he was really sorry and it would never happen again. I wanted to make our family work. I believed in marriage and to an extent still thought things could change. We moved house, things got better for a short time.

Only a few months later he was up to his old tricks. Over the next year I had a lady who phoned me up and said she was pregnant by him and I should pay for an abortion for her ( I refused and she became aggressive and threatening), numerous other ladies popping up and he started taking our only car and any money I had and going off for whole weekends during which he would be entirely I contactable, leaving me with a baby. By this point I was also pregnant with DS2. His behaviour towards me got worse and worse as his cheating behaviour with other ladies escalated. He became verbally and emotionally abusive and blamed it on me and he fell out with my family (who knew none of what was happening to me) At times he would be quite blatant about his cheating and at other times he would tell me I was mad and it was all in my head.I still felt it was my duty to try and make thing work for the sake of DS1 and unborn DS2.
When I delivered DS2 he again spent half my labour running off to meet people, and I found out that he had had a lady in the house whilst I was recovering from an emergency caesarean in hospital.
My life was an utter misery and I genuinely believed by this point that it was all my fault as he kept on telling me. When DS2 was 6 months old I found out that whilst I was out at work and my family were looking after the children (he had said he had some work to do) he had invited a 17 year old girl to our house. He was 30. I confronted him and things got very nasty very quickly. He lost the plot and I no longer felt it was safe for the children to be alone with him. He started throwing things at me in rage. The final straw was a day when he was ranting at me and I had DS2 on my lap and he raised a child's wooden chair over his head as though he were going to hit me with it. He didn't but in that moment I saw how dangerous he was to me and to my children. I made excuses to go to my parents and we didn't go back.
It took me 2 years of court to get my house back (he didn't work, never paid a penny towards it and couldn't afford the mortgage but wouldn't leave until court bailiffs threw him out.)
It is more or less 4 years ago since I left him and despite how difficult it seemed at the time and how scared I was of what my life would be it is so much better for DS's and me. DS's are happy, content and well-adjusted. I am a single parent. It is hard, really hard but we are safe and I am no longer living in misery, self-loathing and fear.
Only you will know when you have had enough and things are beyond repair, but I would say one thing, once cheating has started in the manner you describe they have shown they have no respect for you. It many cases this is a slippery slope in which things only get worse. One of the things that keeps us in these relationships for so long is the idea that things will get better if we only try a bit harder ourselves and the fear of what our lives will be on our own as single parents. Don't be afraid to do what you think you need to do.

cronullansw · 07/10/2013 22:34

Speaking from a male point of view, and as a father, who also wasn't entirely ready for this whole, life changing, overwhelming, end of your fun life and start of the serious life - kind of thing...

He's terrified of suddenly becoming a parent, with all that this entails and the crazy young stud part of his brain is fighting back. So he's browsing, he's walking past the shops which are trying to entice him in, but he's not making any purchases. He's probably feeling rejected, a little left out, all the fuss and attention is being directed to the soon to be Mum and her tum, he's done his bit, now it's all out of his hands. He superfluous, no longer needed, until it's take to take the bin out, or wash the car, or decorate the nursery.

So the young stud fun party animal part of his brain is pushing back against the more serious, rational adult grown up part of his brain.

Pregnancy doesn't only affect the Mum.

CressidaMontgomery · 07/10/2013 22:35

What a load of tosh Cron

Words fail me

Original poster
arghhhagain · 07/10/2013 22:37

Same. He has another child so you are talking complete crap.

OP posts:
CressidaMontgomery · 07/10/2013 22:43

I mean, really? Wah wah wah- poor guy! Family life FORCED on him - give him a break! He needs this little outlet , a chance to peruse sex chat sites and send inappropriate messages to other women and indulge himself in a stack of porn in order to try and adjust to the huge upheaval in his life

Bollocks!

AnyFucker · 07/10/2013 22:46

Your input is not, and never has been, welcome, cron

AnyFucker · 07/10/2013 22:47

Blatant goading is what it is. Best ignored.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 07/10/2013 22:51

"crazy young stud" -yeah right, cron Hmm

OP I wouldn't live with this, I think he's pulling the wool over the eyes big time. Sorry. I don't think he'll change.

Life is so much more than putting up with cheating fuckers shredding your self esteem, and ruining your life. Think about what you want.

(Hint: it shouldn't revolve around him being someone he probably isn't.)

AnyFucker · 07/10/2013 23:09

Anyone else picturing cron taking himself in hand at the thought of the "young stud" ? Wink

cronullansw · 07/10/2013 23:09

And there we have the simple answer;

I wrote an entirely honest, and I hoped, helpful, opinion, and I get told to go and accused of goading. I honestly wasn't, and am not, goading, I was actually letting you know a little of how a male mind works occasionally.

But because this doesn't entirely fit in with your female mind opinions, and isn't entirely supportive for the op, I'm goading and writing tosh. This really does illustrate the difference between men and women.

Original poster
arghhhagain · 07/10/2013 23:12

But the shops aren't trying to entice him if he's walking into the shop and setting up some sort of credit scheme!? Just go.

OP posts:
cronullansw · 07/10/2013 23:14

Oh Anyfucker,

How quaint, you are back on your set routine again.

No. I'm not masturbating at the thought of the young stud in action. Your comment is entirely uncalled for and quite typical of you trying to goad.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 07/10/2013 23:15

cron - I think you're referring to 'male entitlement' not the male mind. It is an insult to males everywhere to insinuate that they all have to sign up to dating sites, message female work colleagues and watch a load of porn as a result of their partner being pregnant - especially when they already have a child, as OP's partner has.

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