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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

how do i approach this woman without looking like a complete weirdo?

43 replies

VintageLace · 07/10/2013 19:32

I have been a SAHM for the last 3 years. I do not have any friends who i socialise with. mainly because i am a young mum (22) and the only person out of my old, and very small, group of friends to have a child.

over the past few years my old 'friends' slowly cut me out. which to an extent i can understand. what with them living a party lifestyle and me being a mother. i tried to keep up but in the end i had to just accept we were leading separate lives.

I have severe anxiety issues (i'm currently on medication for this, although it doesn't seem to do much). when talking someone new - be it ordering a take-away or chatting at the school gate - i clam up, shake, slur my words and generally make a twat of myself.

Recently another young mum has initiated conversation with me. just general things like 'your son looks lovely', 'what are you planning on getting him for christmas?' and other general chit chat. I've noticed we have a similar fashion sense and, juding from group conversations, a similar hence of humor.

she seems lovely. today my mother came with me to drop my son off. on the way home my mum asked if i was friends with this girl. i said i have spoke to her briefly at the nursery but that is all. my mum had the impression we were 'very friendly' in the way that we spoke.

i know this sounds very sad and i feel like a right creep. but what my mum said has stuck with me today. i thought i might ask this nice woman if she might like to grab a coffee after nursery at some point. The thing is i am not used to 'making friends' and can't decide if i would come across as a total weirdo.

Would you find it weird? If not, how the heck do i go about it? What do i say?

reading this back i realise i sound like a creepy twat Sad

OP posts:
flippingebay · 07/10/2013 19:36

I think asking her for a cuppa sounds completely normal, just keep if casual and up beat.

You sound lovely btw Smile don't over think it..

When she says yes, just mention over the cuppa you get nervous making friends etc

eve1543 · 07/10/2013 19:37

You don't sound creepy,just someone who wants some friends.Just go with the fancy a coffee idea,nothing ventured and all that.

KarinMurphy · 07/10/2013 19:38

You sound really lovely and I think asking her if she fancies grabbing a coffee some time is a great idea.

SoHHKB · 07/10/2013 19:38

Do exactly as you said - say 'fancy going for coffee? If not right now then here's my number, give me a call when you're free' Perhaps she is nervous too. I made one of my best friends by just going up and asking her if she fancied going for a drink sometime... Good luck Smile

BoundandRebound · 07/10/2013 19:40

Yes perfect thing to ask "fancy a coffee sometime?"

IsThatTrue · 07/10/2013 19:41

Oh I've been where you are. It feels awful but honestly once you've done it you'll think, 'what was the problem?'

Not creepy, or weird. Just somebody looking for some company. You sound lovely. Go for it :)

Albert27 · 07/10/2013 19:42

Not weird at all. I did the same with a mum nearly 2 years ago. She is one of my best friends and i can't imagine life without her. Like FlippingBay said - you can tell her over a coffee/tea about your nerves over making new friends. Go for it and good luck.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 07/10/2013 19:42

Also, when you ask her for a coffee - leave it open ended/not specific sort of thing.

If she can't make it that time, doesn't mean she won't another time iyswim?

If you are chatting already then you are halfway there, so don't be afraid. When dc's are young you'd be surprised the number of people longing for a friendly face to pass the time of day with and she will probably appreciate the gesture of you asking Smile

Antidote · 07/10/2013 19:44

I agree, just all if she fancies a coffee. But don't be put off if she doesn't leap art the chance to go then and there. I hate being bounced into social situations but would be very happy to go at an agreed time in the future, like tomorrow!

Goodluck. BTW you don't sound creepy at all.

SecretSix · 07/10/2013 19:45

She's maybe thinking that she'd like to be friends with you but can't pluck up the courage to ask either.

Go for it!

cocoleBOO · 07/10/2013 19:49

If you don't think your medication is working back to your gp and ask to try something else.
It sounds like she is wanting to be friends, good luck! Smile

TrippleBerryFairy · 07/10/2013 19:51

She initiated a conversation with you (therefore showed interest in you) and i think she would happily accept your invitation (dign that you are interested in getting to know her better).

She might be thinking about coffee too but feeling that she might come across as desperate initiating things again. Do it, you sound lovely!

MistyB · 07/10/2013 19:51

I remember feeling like I was propositioning someone at a disco when offering to exchange numbers with someone I had chatted to after a singing class. She texted later to say how nice to was to have met me and we became good friends. Yes it feels like you are about to jump across a river but do it, ask if she would like to go for a coffee / come to yours for a coffee or take the children to the park sometime. Good luck!!

hotbot · 07/10/2013 19:52

If you're worried suggest a play date I assume you have a 3yr old? Then it takes the pressure of you.

VintageLace · 07/10/2013 19:53

i think i will Smile (after building up the courage!)

do i ask her out to a cafe or around to mine? I know she has a younger child too. approx 1yr old. so i'm not sure what would be easiest for her.

OP posts:
mumofone25 · 07/10/2013 19:54

Agree with everyone. Just ask if she fancies a cuppa. You definately don't sound creepy at all, you sound lovely!

Mumbledore · 07/10/2013 19:56

I would be beyond delighted if someone asked me to go for coffee with them! Not in the slightest bit weird. Just say something like 'ooh, it's a bit chilly today, a nice latte sounds good what do you think?' And if she does say no you can say something like 'never mind, I should really go and tackle the ironing anyway...' Good luck!

Floggingmolly · 07/10/2013 19:58

Yes, I'd second the playdate idea, and take it from there.

womma · 07/10/2013 19:59

You sound very nice, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to get to know someone better.

I have also suffered terribly from anxiety, and I had to post to let you know that if your medication isn't working, you should go back to your GP to ask to try something different. With some help you can find something that will get you on the road to feeling better. Also, I'd like to suggest asking for some further help too, like counselling or a course of CBT, which would help you to change the way you think about yourself and being in situations that make you feel awkward now. It would really help you, it worked wonders for me.

You are most certainly not being creepy or acting like a twat, I promise you! Please try not to think of yourself like that.

I hope this nice Mum takes you up on your suggestion and things improve for you. You really and truly are worth it! Xxx

MrsOakenshield · 07/10/2013 20:00

not creepy at all, and you may find the other woman is feeling very similar to yourself! Coffee, or perhaps less 'formal', a trip to the park with the children, and then progress?

MortifiedAdams · 07/10/2013 20:01

You could start by asking if she wants to join you at the swings with theLOs after the group?

DameFanny · 07/10/2013 20:03

"fancy a coffee after drop off some time" is a perfectly natural question, and since she's got a little one suggesting whatever suits her best is also natural - be it your place with extra-nice biscuits or the local Costa.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 07/10/2013 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elcranko · 07/10/2013 20:07

Agree with everyone else, not creepy sounding at all, you sound really nice. Asking her to go for a coffee sounds perfect, or if she fancies taking the kids to the park or something. If she can't make it this particular time, just say 'oh never mind, some other time then if you're free' and I'm sure she'll suggest another day. Good luck Smile

TheLadyVie · 07/10/2013 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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