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Original poster

Can I ask about your financial arrangements?

276 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 07/10/2013 14:18

I hope this isn't of a too personal nature but I'm just curious as to those who live with their partner/husband manage their finances?

When I moved in with my partner a few years ago we agreed I would give him £500 a month to cover half of all the expenses a month and that was fine. We are now married and the arrangement hasn't really changed but now it just sits 'weird' with me. I have spoke to him a few times about it and that surely most married couples have a complete joint account and all finances are shared. He is happy with the idea of having a joint account but says we should sit down, work out the running cost of the house each month and only put that amount of money in the account, 50/50. He said that way, the rest of our salary is ours to spend how we like without feeling like we have to justify our expenditures to each other etc. I am now recently pregnant and so again have discussed having one joint account with all our money in it but he doesn't seem to see why it should be necessary. His parents are not too impressed with his attitude.

To be honest, I'm happy with the joint account for all 'house stuff' and we have the rest of our money to ourselves, but I'm just curious as to what others do?

When I say that most married couples have complete joint sharing of the finances my husband tells me they don't. None of us have anything solid to base this on though, we just both want to be right Smile

OP posts:
Dahlen · 07/10/2013 16:21

I don't think being a single economic unit necessarily has to equate to a joint account, but if you have to pay for everything separately and keep checking it's equal it can become very onerous. He may think you don't need a joint account but if he's not that bothered either way it would make practical sense to get one even if you also maintain separate accounts to keep some level of independence. If he doesn't want to do that it suggests he feels more strongly about it, in which case the question is why.

KirstyJC · 07/10/2013 16:23

But OP this may not always be the case. On Maternity Leave you may temporarily be financially dependent on him, plus a lot of the time couples who start out the same end up taking different career paths and have different incomes over time. Not least of all if one of them goes part time, which does often happen as the number of children increases! Although I must admit I don't really see it as financial dependence at all - it is a shared resource that a family use as they need to. Not all contributions to a family are money!

So, let's say you carry on as you are - what then? What if, in 10 years' time, he earns twice what you do and wants to move to a bigger house with a bigger mortgage? How will you split the bills then if you are still on your current salary (or less). And if things go the other way and you are the one rolling in it, will you feel like you are subsidising him? Or would he feel that way? Will you be going on fancy holidays leaving him to a week in Butlins?

Now, while you are planning your new future as a family unit, you need to set the foundations - what you start doing now will likely be how things carry on. I really urge you to seriously consider the implications of this for BOTH your sakes - money causes an awful lot of resentment and trouble in marriages!!

JRmumma · 07/10/2013 16:23

Writer- its not clear whether your OH expects you to still contribute the same when you are on mat leave? Or whether he envisages keeping it fairly equal.

As, if you say you earn about the same now i suppose it is currently fairly equal and fair enough he spends his money on what he likes. But from the moment you are pregnant you have expenses such as maternity clothes which he shouldn't have a problem with contributing to, but he may still see these as things you should pay for.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 07/10/2013 16:24

madame - I take home about £1'450 a month and he takes home about £1'800.

OP posts:
ProfondoRosso · 07/10/2013 16:25

We don't have a joint account. I pay a portion of my salary into DH's account by standing order each month to cover my portion of the mortgage. DH earns a lot more than me, especially now that my research funding has run out and I'm effectively working for nothing. Right now, we've cancelled the standing order because, not earning, I can't afford to pay it anymore. So DH is paying the full mortgage and in the past has always paid more of the rent/mortgage than me and has paid the lion's share of things like holidays. I did clear out my savings last year to put up the deposit for our flat, though. We don't have DCs and tend to buy our own food separately (because I don't want nothin' to do with DH's crazily restricted diet).

Right now, I'm just being careful with the money I've got left in my account. I've always been really independent, always worked to have my own money. I'll hopefully get a job quite soon after I finish my thesis. If I did have to ask DH for money, I know he'd never withhold it from me - he's a great, generous person and it's my own stupid pride I need to get over when it comes to money.

Reading this thread has been quite comforting and humbling. It's great to see how positive and intelligent seeing yourself as a team, financially, can be.

Dahlen · 07/10/2013 16:26

Have you discussed these concerns with him? Does he accept that expenses such as maternity clothes, baby equipment etc are joint expenses, and, if so, how does he propose to pay his half?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 07/10/2013 16:26

JRMumma - I have mentioned the cost of maternity clothes to him but I don't think it is sinking in......

Thankfully my maternity pay will be pretty good and up until the baby is about 9 months old my income won't reduce too dramatically. It will maybe decrease by a few hundred pounds and I intended to have the discussion with him about my contributions. However, if i get my way we will hopefully have a joint account by that time!! Smile

OP posts:
MadameLeMean · 07/10/2013 16:28

So how much spending money do you have left after contributing 50%?

Eg if you have £300 spare and he has £650 spare then id say well nice for him that he has a better paying job and he should maybe pay for more shares luxuries like holidays etc BUT if you are skint and he is living life of Riley that's not fair ..

However that is the current situation and not what it will be like post baby

I would hope that your DH is at least willing to share if not cover cost of lost income when you are on maternity leave?!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 07/10/2013 16:28

dahlen - he envisions us going out and buying whatever it is that we need and if he pays for it on his card then I would just transfer 50% of the cost into his bank account from mine. And vice versa if I buy something. It just sounds like such a hassle Hmm

OP posts:
MadameLeMean · 07/10/2013 16:29

That does sound a hassle. You need a joint account for joint costs - even if you decide to keep own salary accounts too.

Convexbetty · 07/10/2013 16:31

Married for 14 years. Always had joint accounts even when I was sahm. We have 2 accounts, one for bills and standing orders and another for monthly spending like food and petrol etc. We take out an amount of cash to last the month from the spending account and divide it although it isn't each persons money but cash for whoever needs it to limit using cards and overspending. Anything out of the norms we will usually discuss before purchasing. When we were young and poor we had a £15 limit on spending without asking but it's a bit more relaxed now as we are both aware of income and outgoings. I know of a couple who have accounts with standing orders going in so they can save up and buy gifts without the other knowing what they have bought.
Most people who I've spoken to about this and have shared, have joint accounts. I've always thought that buying a house together, having children together but not being totally open about money was a bit odd. I always thought it fell into the married single type of marriage and would def have an issue if my dh was secretive about money and didn't share info with me regarding income. Why would I share everything else but not money?
We are a team and love each other, have made vows to each other so why would I think it's ok for me to have more money to spend on just ME and not share it down the middle? I've often read similar threads and haven't contributed. I've yet to read a good enough argument to sway me.

MadameLeMean · 07/10/2013 16:31

Also if you are on mat pay for a year or whatever it's not fair for you to pay half of all the baby stuff while he merrily earns his normal salary! You are carrying his baby and making career sacrifices for that Angry

HolidayArmadillo · 07/10/2013 16:32

We never got round to getting a joint account. So DH just gets his wages paid into mine Grin

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 07/10/2013 16:34

As it stands after paying out my 50% of the bills, paying the wedding credit card and then paying for all other miscellaneous I.e petrol, car insurance, pet insurance, work related stuff I probably have about £500 a month left over for myself. Of that remaining £500 I try and put £150 into my own savings account. So I have about £350 a month of spare money, some of which goes on the food shopping as me and hubby take it in turns to do the weekly shop.

My hubby, although earning a bit more probably has about the same amount of 'free cash' a month as he has to spend more on his petrol costs and he has a personal loan he is still repaying.

OP posts:
MadameLeMean · 07/10/2013 16:36

Sounds fair at the moment but it should change when you go on mat leave and I think it's kind of weird you don't have a joint account at all, not even for bills.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 07/10/2013 16:39

It didn't feel too weird until we got married. Then it felt very odd that I was handing money over to my husband- I felt like a lodger! Smile

OP posts:
Dahlen · 07/10/2013 16:39

I know plans might change once the baby has arrived, but what are your plans after maternity leave? Are you going back FT? Is it accepted that you will be the main carer so you will be the one taking most time off is the baby is ill or childcare falls through? All of these things could impact on your earning capacity and future potential.

If this sounds like how it will play out, your DH needs to recognise that he needs to pay financially to equal out what you will be paying for in terms of practical skills and care. It's not all about the actual financial cost of stuff. That's why you should IMO see yourselves as a unit rather than splitting financial costs 50/50.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 07/10/2013 16:42

I only work 4 days a week at the moment....but would love it if I go down to 3 days after Maternity Leave. I guess we'd have to look at how the drop in my income would affect us against the cost of childcare. I couldn't be a SAHM though, I think I'd drive myself around the bend. I love my job and worked hard for my qualification, I don't think I could just give it up.

OP posts:
ZiaMaria · 07/10/2013 16:44

We have a mix of joint and personal accounts. I pay the mortgage, he does bills and food (which is about equal). We both have isas and personal savings - but despite being in only one name, we don't view them as his and mine - they're just ours.

I earn over double what he does, but spending money wise we have about the same (I may have a bit more but that's for taxis etc that I have to get with work). The rest goes in savings for joint expenses.

If money was tight, I think we'd do it a bit differently as we'd need to keep a better track on everything. At present though, the current situation works for us.

Suzietwo · 07/10/2013 16:44

I pay for almost everything and everything is in my name. We're not married and have 2 children under 4. Works for us.

Suzietwo · 07/10/2013 16:47

I should add, he pays all his own outgoings but no family ones.

IShallCallYouSquishy · 07/10/2013 16:52

DH and I have our own bank accounts. His salary into his, mine into mine. All bills come from his account. I pay childcare, larger amount of groceries, and my mobile, car ins etc. We have one joint account for food shopping but to be honest I can't remember last time DH used it other then to pay money in!

Before I had DD I gave him X amount each month. I'm only p/t now so I don't.

I do all our family finances though and even though they're separate it's all joint. DH earns considerably more than me and we save a good portion of his salary however again, this is our savings not his.

We could put it all in one big pot but this just works for us!

LittlePeaPod · 07/10/2013 16:55

I really can't see what the big issue is with regards holding your own accounts as long as the bills (including babies things/childcare etc.) are split proportionately according to your salaries.

Like I said earlier, I am pregnant and due on ML in December for 13 months. DH and I have separate accounts and will continue to do so however he will transfer what I lose into my account throughout my ML.

What about a compromise op? Why not have separate accounts and a joint account for all other bills. Whatever is left in your accounts is there for you to use individually. Clearly your DH will have to take into account he may need to transfer some money to your account whilst you are on ML.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 07/10/2013 16:57

We have a joint account and pay proportionately according to our incomes (he pays £1200, I pay £800). Child benefit also goes into it. Out of this we pay mortgage, all bills, childminder and food.

It works really well for both of us but it took a few years and a couple of arguments to get to the point where we're both happy. On maternity leave, I continued to pay my share even though my earnings were reduced but that was my decision.

Neither of us wanted to have all our incomes going into a joint account for several reasons. For me, it was because I was 35 when this all happened and was so used to financial independence. For him, it's because he is self-employed and runs a business so his finances are quite complicated. This wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea, but it works for us. That's what's important here.

ShoeWhore · 07/10/2013 17:11

All joint here.

When we first moved in together we both had our own accounts and set up a joint account for mortgage and bills that we both paid into each month (relative to salary - at the time I earned more). Over time we gradually started using it for more and more stuff. So when we had children we decided that the joint account was our main account now. We don't use our sole accounts any more.