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Original poster

Can I ask about your financial arrangements?

276 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 07/10/2013 14:18

I hope this isn't of a too personal nature but I'm just curious as to those who live with their partner/husband manage their finances?

When I moved in with my partner a few years ago we agreed I would give him £500 a month to cover half of all the expenses a month and that was fine. We are now married and the arrangement hasn't really changed but now it just sits 'weird' with me. I have spoke to him a few times about it and that surely most married couples have a complete joint account and all finances are shared. He is happy with the idea of having a joint account but says we should sit down, work out the running cost of the house each month and only put that amount of money in the account, 50/50. He said that way, the rest of our salary is ours to spend how we like without feeling like we have to justify our expenditures to each other etc. I am now recently pregnant and so again have discussed having one joint account with all our money in it but he doesn't seem to see why it should be necessary. His parents are not too impressed with his attitude.

To be honest, I'm happy with the joint account for all 'house stuff' and we have the rest of our money to ourselves, but I'm just curious as to what others do?

When I say that most married couples have complete joint sharing of the finances my husband tells me they don't. None of us have anything solid to base this on though, we just both want to be right Smile

OP posts:
Suzietwo · 08/10/2013 15:18

when it comes down to it, the husband and wife will prepare a schedule of assets. they will each have a column showing what s/he owns. that is the bottom line

MrsMarkCarney · 08/10/2013 15:23

well there will very little in her column- but she was told to expect a 50-50 split and 2 years' maintenance.
Thanks for the clarification.

Suzietwo · 08/10/2013 15:24

i wish her luck. she may well get one.

Vivacia · 08/10/2013 16:04

OP I would go with Teenandtween's suggestion.

I wonder if it would be worth you getting in touch with the Money Advisory service (it's called something like that, and is a free service). The fact that you have loan repayments and £10000 sat in savings waiting to be taken off the mortgage indicates you could both do with a bit of guidance.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/10/2013 09:27

Well we had the conversation last night and it didn't end well!!

He asked me how many times we are going to keep having this conversation and I told him that things are going to have to change now there is a baby on the way. I said it is no longer about him spending his money on whatever he likes and me spending my money on whatever I like, but a case of us working together to make sure that as a family we have everything we need. I said that us as a family and the baby is the priority now when it comes to our finances and he needs to stop acting as though he thinks nothing has to change. We sat down and calculated how much my maternity would pay and asked him to explain to me how he saw things 'working out' if we didn't have a joint account. He just sort of shrugged his shoulders, said he hadn't really thought about it and that we'd just 'manage at the time'. I told him that wasn't good enough, we need to plan ahead, we need to know that we can finance maternity leave and it is something we can just deal with with when the time comes. I think he started to take things a bit more seriously at this point. He did however continue to say that he doesn't like the idea of not being able to spend money how he would like to without feeling guilt-free I.e if he fancied a night out with his friends he wouldn't feel like he could. I then spoke about us each having some of our own spending money but he got the huff with that, asking me what amount I planned to 'budget' his spending too. By this point the conversation was getting less productive and I was getting upset and stressed so we left it there. He ultimately did agree to the joint account of one big pot but he certainly isn't 'on board' or see the need for it, he just agreed because he can see how frustrated I am about it. It was an agreement given in the "you'll just keep going on about it until we do it anyway so just do it" sense! So I don't class the chat as having been a success really. It hasn't been spoken about since and things were a bit frosty last night.....

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 09/10/2013 09:32

"he doesn't like the idea of not being able to spend money how he would like to without feeling guilt-free"

Well then he shouldn't have got married or made his wife pregnant.

Boo hoo hoo! Now I'm an adult with adult responsibilities I can't just carry on living my life as though they don't exist Hmm

I think, given his attitude that his money belongs to him and that he shouldn't have to change his life at all just because you are having a baby, that you are going to have some SERIOUS problems when this baby arrives.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 09/10/2013 09:39

Well I think you absolutely did the best you could by raising the subject, even though it was difficult. And you made considerable progress in that he agreed to the joint account concept.
So well done to you !

I think he was a little immature in asking how many times do we have to have this conversation ...
What the one about finances ? .... As often as necessary and especially when circumstances are changing ? Regularly ? Until things are sorted as well as they can be and to both our satisfaction ? ...

I do sympathise as we (DH) always finds it a difficult conversation to have, so we often avoid it (too ?)

Ireallymustbemad · 09/10/2013 09:44

Well I'm glad you had the conversation and whilst he was getting pissed off with it, he did actually realise that it's a serious situation. And at least he's agreed to the joint account even if he's not actually on board.

To be honest he just needs to grow up, hopefully when the baby is actually there it will make him see his responsibilities and rise to the challenge.

Good luck OP Smile

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/10/2013 09:56

joinyourplayfellows - that's pretty much the speech I gave him, about his responsibilities etc. Smile But, at least he has now agreed to it so I know that once we have actually set an account up all money will be accessible.

Thanks juggling - it was the first time we'd had 'The Conversation' since the pregnancy, but we'd had it a few times previous. He is still adamant that 'no married couple he knows has a joint big pot!!' Hmm At least I have said my bit now, I will let the dust settle for a few days then raise it again in terms of making an appointment with the bank Smile

OP posts:
sebsmummy1 · 09/10/2013 09:57

Yup, I'm afraid I could see that one coming OP BUT you were absolutely right to broach it and do not under any circumstances start back tracking. I honestly think many men (expects flaming) are less grown up as adults than their contemporaries were. It's all a little bit sulky and bottom lips sticky outy.

That's what becoming a family does, it changes things!! Suddenly it stops being him and her and becomes us. My OH has been exceptionally lucky as I am a total tightass and I do everything on the cheap. But assuming you might not want second hand everything he had better get used to shelling out some money and quickly.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/10/2013 10:01

Tracks Ireally - I think once he has time to digest everything that was said he will see it all makes sense. Men just don't like to be told these things do they? Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/10/2013 10:04

Thankfully sebsmimmy I'm quite happy with second hand good when it is safe to do so Smile We were talking about all the things we were budgeting for and I said that at least for the 6 months the baby doesn't really need much, just breast milk and nappies and he said, "What about the food it will eat though?" He was genuinely surprised that babies that age don't have meals like the rest of us, haha. It was very sweet Smile He has never been around babies so I think the whole experience will be a very big shock to his system Smile

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 09/10/2013 10:07

He is still adamant that 'no married couple he knows has a joint big pot!!'

Whether they do or not is irrelevant to the question of whether a married man with children should be able to spend his money as he sees fit without considering the rest of the family.

DH and I have only recently opened a joint account (when I gave up my job) but we have shared all of our money since we began to conceive of ourselves as a unit, as a family.

The important points, as far as I can see it, is NOT the joint account, but his acceptance of the fact that he can no longer spend money on himself without it having an impact on you and your baby.

If he doesn't like that, tough shit. Because that's reality.

And that's why a budgeted amount of spending money makes sense - because at least within that limit you can do as you please without having to think the money would be better spent elsewhere.

sebsmummy1 · 09/10/2013 10:07

He owes it to you to let you enjoy this pregnancy not spend your time worrying about finances because you haven't pinned down exactly how things will work out once baby gets here.

sebsmummy1 · 09/10/2013 10:09

Sorry for my lack of punctuation lol!!

coldwinter · 09/10/2013 10:13

There will be other costs OP. Prams, car seat, baby clothes, etc. It all adds up surprisingly quickly.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/10/2013 10:25

We made a very, very, comprehensive list last night of all his personal outgoings and my personal outgoings and added them to all the day to day costs of running the house/life, bills, mortgage, petrol, car insurance, etc etc and after looking at our income we will have about £900 a month spare to spend on what we want. I told him that that 'freedom ' will be great when we are buying things for the baby before it is born and whilst I'm on maternity (for the first 6 months anyway when my pay will still be good) etc but that it won't go very far when we start looking at childcare costs Smile Not that I actually have any idea how much childcare costs but I'm sure it will be somewhere in that area....

OP posts:
MrsZimt · 09/10/2013 11:01

Well done for talking to him. Maybe the idea of spending money will be appealing to him once he thought about it. £200 each and £500 into savings sounds very good to me.
Childcare varies and depends massively on where you live. £900 would buy you full time nursery where I live.
Maybe start contacting nurseries and childminders to get an idea of costs.

pizzaqueen · 09/10/2013 11:06

We do exactly as your DH described and it works really well for us.

we each contribute an equal amount to joint account for bills, food, ds, holidays etc.

the rest is ours to keep. we pay our own phones and car expenses from that too.

It works because we each earn the same amount if one of us starts earning more then we'll contribute more to the household pot.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/10/2013 11:12

Pizzaqueen* - to be honest when we were looking at the list last night which included his outgoings I was thinking that by not sharing a pot I would actually be better off Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/10/2013 11:15

Mrszimt - I work 4 days a week so would be looking for childcare for those days between 08.30-17.30. So about 36 hours in total. I think I would prefer a childminder but it isn't something we have really talked about - and I suppose the downside then is that when the childminder and her family to on holiday it would leave us in the lurch, or if they had a family emergency etc. I suppose nurseries are more reliable...

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 09/10/2013 11:16

"to be honest when we were looking at the list last night which included his outgoings I was thinking that by not sharing a pot I would actually be better off"

Well no, you wouldn't be.

The only thing that would make you better off would be if he decreased his outgoings.

Which is not to say that he should, or could, decrease them.

But the money your family has available to it isn't affected by who puts what in which account.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/10/2013 11:16

And can I ask pizzaqueen how did you manage your money/costs when you were on maternity leave and you couldn't contribute your half?

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 09/10/2013 11:20

"I suppose nurseries are more reliable..."

The first year my DD and my sister's DS were in childcare, she was with a CM and he was at nursery. They were both babies.

He was constantly picking up bugs and nursery and then she wasn't allowed to bring him baçk until he was better.

DD was not around so many children so she didn't get sick anywhere near as frequently. Also, when she was sick (not D&V, but that never happened) the CM was happy to take her as long as she wasn't really unwell and needing a parent's undivided attention.

Having to cover a couple of weeks a year of CM holidays has always seemed worth it to me for the advantages of a childminder, especially for a baby.

ShoeWhore · 09/10/2013 11:20

Well done for having the conversation OP.

I think your dh needs to get his head around the fact that having a baby is going to change his life and not just in terms of money!

Children are expensive full stop and get more so the older they get ime. That money has to be found from somewhere and it's difficult to cut back on essentials so most of us have to sacrifice some of the discretionary spending. Thankfully it's worth it Grin

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