Can I ask about your financial arrangements?

[Writerwannabe83]

I hope this isn't of a too personal nature but I'm just curious as to those who live with their partner/husband manage their finances?

When I moved in with my partner a few years ago we agreed I would give him £500 a month to cover half of all the expenses a month and that was fine. We are now married and the arrangement hasn't really changed but now it just sits 'weird' with me. I have spoke to him a few times about it and that surely most married couples have a complete joint account and all finances are shared. He is happy with the idea of having a joint account but says we should sit down, work out the running cost of the house each month and only put that amount of money in the account, 50/50. He said that way, the rest of our salary is ours to spend how we like without feeling like we have to justify our expenditures to each other etc. I am now recently pregnant and so again have discussed having one joint account with all our money in it but he doesn't seem to see why it should be necessary. His parents are not too impressed with his attitude.

To be honest, I'm happy with the joint account for all 'house stuff' and we have the rest of our money to ourselves, but I'm just curious as to what others do?

When I say that most married couples have complete joint sharing of the finances my husband tells me they don't. None of us have anything solid to base this on though, we just both want to be right

We have always had a joint account. He has one credit card in his own name which is only used for presents for me. I use the joint account or savings account to buy stuff for him as I am the only one who looks at statements. He says as long as we are in the black he is happy.

sorry, i should have made it clear. im a divorce lawyer.

it is far better to have money in your own name at the outset of proceedings and if you do, you have a far better chance of keeping that money (or spending it during the settlement discussions) than you do if you dont have the money.
it is not so simple as everything goes into the pot for division.

It is just so hard isn't it?
I couldn't switch off last night for thinking about it.

I keep flitting between complete joint account where all our money goes into one big pot, or us both putting a percentage of our wage into a joint account and then having the rest to ourselves. I like the idea of that because I like having my own separate savings account and I like the feeling I get when every month I add a little bit more to it. I currently use it for when I need to make big expenditures, for example I recently had to pay out over £500 to get my car fixed. That's a huge amount of money to take out of a joint account if that is the only financial pot we had.

Unless we had a joint account for most things and then a separate joint account? Maybe we could put 70% of our wage in a joint account, 10% of our wage in savings and then we have 20% of our wage to spend on whatever we like??

There are just so many factors to take into account - like the personal loan my husband has is about £180 a month which I think he would feel bad about taking out of a joint account. It wouldn't bother me at all though. I accept that at times I have higher expenditures than him and at other times he has higher costs than me. Our car insurance for example, his is about £15 a month whereas mine is £80, but that's just marriage isn't it? Accepting that not everything is equal.

what does hubby say?

We share everything. Both wages and CB go into a joint account, and all bills go out. We do have separate ISAs but we don't see each one as one person's money - they're both for us both.

I haven't got to the stage of discussing it with him yet - I want a clear picture in my head of what I think would work best for us and be able to give clear reasons why etc. I'm not the most articulate person sometimes and I don't want it to come out all garbled. I like to have things precise in my mind and then talk about how I feel. I definitely intend to speak to him about it over the next few days, hence why I'm so interested in people's opinions.

I just think it would be nice to have at least some 'personal money' - that way he and I can both do things we like without feeling any shred of guilt about the way our money is being spent. I.e when he goes on Stag Do's, if he wants to go he would spend his own money as opposed to taking £100s out our joint household account or joint savings account. I think it would just make us feel we still had that little bit of independence. I would probably just put my 10% of 'free money' directly into my personal savings to be honest, and treat myself to a beauty treatment every now and then Our Joint Savings account would be for things like holidays or if big expenditures do need to be made, I.e car repairs, covering maternity pay loss, purchases we need for the house: new kitchen units, new wardrobes etc etc

No, not everything is equal, but when we got married we agreed that all money and all debt is joint.

Which meant him paying off his student loans into his 30s (I didn't have any as I worked p/t throughout uni) from our pooled money and also all expenditures are joint ones, there has never been any maths involved as to who pays what.

Savings are joint savings.

I would have an issue with is arrangement if dh was useless with money or had a hugely expensive hobby, but as it is I buy stuff for him (he thinks is unnecessary but then loves it) because he doesn't like spending money on himself.

OP- is this about bigger issues such as trust and control?

I know that 'our way' is not the only way, but I wonder why couples who are married and sharing so much still want to live ( partly) as single people in terms of their money.

I have 2 close friends who- maybe rather rarely these days- have never worked since they married- their DHs earn a lot and their wives are happy to keep hearth and home ticking over. There is no question of 'his' money- because clearly the wives have no money of their own.

Taking this as a starting point, is it not better to manage the money as a joint asset and invest it wisely etc etc rather than hang onto some ' what's mine is nearly all mine etc'.

I was not working for a large part of our marriage so it made sense to have a joint account- though I did have my own savings from life as a singleton.

We also saved money in my account (s) because I was not paying tax, or then later only at a lower rate, as DH was a higher tax payer.

Once ISAs came along it didn't make too much difference so we each opened our own.

I don't think doing it be % is a good idea. 50% of £10K for example leaves one person with not a lot; 50% of £100K leaves someone with a lot for themselves.

I think you need to look at your future hopes and dreams and how you joint income can be best used- whether in trust funds, savings accounts for a bigger home or children's education etc.

I know this is just my opinion but arguments over money are one of the biggest reasons for divorce.

"I.e when he goes on Stag Do's, if he wants to go he would spend his own money as opposed to taking £100s out our joint household account or joint savings account."

You think it would be acceptable for him to deplete joint savings by hundreds of pounds so he can go on a stag do?

I agree with the people who are saying that this is not about the way you share your money, but about the fact that currently you do NOT share you money at all, despite living together.

He has a very clear sense of what is his and the freedom he believes he is entitled to to spend money on whatever he chooses.

That's not how it works when you have children.

That's what you need to talk to him about.

And not only that, but also, soon you will share a 24/7/365 joint responsibility.

It's not just money you have to learn how to share fairly, it's also time.

OP- you do know that the £100 for his stag do etc is actually legally your money whether it's in his own account or not?
Why would you feel 'better' if he used his account rather than your joint account? In law a married couple's assets are joint.

I wouldn't say DH is useless with money, he certainly isn't frivolous with it and I know that once the baby comes that will be his focus. He has already declined going away on a trip early next year with his friends because he knows the cost can't be justified when we have a baby on the way. At the moment we are lucky that although our joint income (after tax) isn't overly impressive, it does mean we can get bills paid and still have enough to treat ourselves as we feel we want to.

However, I would class myself as far more organised when it comes to expenditure, I have spreadsheets of my costs every month and keep a very close eye on what my outgoings are. I would feel more comfortable if once the baby comes we had a joint account so I could make sure all the bills are being paid on time. We do occasionally get 'Reminder' letters but his response is, "Well they still get paid don't they?" Whereas me, I pay a bill the same day I get the letter!! The first thing I would do with a joint housing account is get the water/gas/electric payments automatically deducted through direct debits.

I just think that when the baby comes we are going to have to have a much tighter control on things by that I mean that I want that control so I know everything is budgeted for and I know we won't end up in any kind if financial sticky patch.

joinyourplayfellows - any stag do costs would have to come out of his own saved 'free money' - not the joint account. I.e if he wants to go on such a trip then he needs to put some aside each month until he can afford it. Thankfully most odour friends are married off now, we only expect another 2 weddings in the future

MrsMarkCarney - I can well imagine money being a cause of divorce, it is such an horrendous subject.

In terms of savings being percentage wise me and hubby are fortunate that our wages are very similar so doing it that way wouldn't mean that there'd be a huge difference in what we each have as our 'free money'.

And whoever made the point about married couples wanting to live as singletons when it comes to their money, I completely agree, I do find it very odd. I need to make him understand that I don't care that his expenses of personal loans and cars coming out the joint account would bother me as this is what he seems most hung up on.

"I just think that when the baby comes we are going to have to have a much tighter control on things (by that I mean that I want that control) so I know everything is budgeted for and I know we won't end up in any kind of financial sticky patch."

Why not just say that to him? It makes sense and I think it's very sensible.

I disagree with you being in control of the budget though. If you guys can figure out how to do this together, it will be much better for everyone.

You can't have someone moaning about how you never "let" them spend money on the things they like if they know as well as you do that there's no money for petrol guzzlers/stag do's/expensive perfume.

We have no joint account.

DH pays rent, holidays, food, all bills incl my phone, and a full time help around the house. (We have 4 kids).

I pay stuff for the kids, some food, some flights if I go away with kids by myself, some special stuff for the house (that he doesn't think we need like room scents) and everything for myself (cosmetics, clothes). I am just starting my own business so have a tiny income. So I don't really buy clothes or room scents at the moment.

When DH was out of work for a year I gave him a huge chunk of my salary every month out of my then ft job to pay most of the above. Although he still paid the rent from our savings. I am hoping to make some money some time soon, then I will treat him rotten :-)

"I need to make him understand that I don't care that his expenses of personal loans and cars coming out the joint account would bother me as this is what he seems most hung up on."

But you WILL and you SHOULD care whether what those personal loans were taken out for and whether you (as a family) can afford for him to be running expensive cars.

And that is the case regardless of whether it is coming out of his account or a joint account.

You already have joint financial responsibilities and soon you will have a child together and all the planning for the future that involves.

It seems that he wants to retain the right to take out personal loans and drive expensive cars regardless of the effect that has on you (and your baby). That is not good.

So you are saying he is not financially astute?
You might have already said this but how old was he when you married, what was his baggage with money and did he clear his debts as a single person?

This comes down to working things out as a couple. Are you newly weds? Sorry but haven't had time to read all the posts.

What we do is have all the utility bills, mortgage etc paid online automatically.

We have a joint credit card which we clear every month and have no debts except the mortgage. DH is the main card holder due to his higher earnings and he clears the bill each month. I use the card as and when i want for all our shopping, clothes, petrol...everything then we pay it off in full each month.

If we buy something big like furniture and we don't have enough in the current account to cover the credit card then rather than whack up interest we take the money out of our savings accounts and discuss which of us is going to pay- depending on who's getting the best interest rates etc at the time.

On top of this DH might want to buy himself something - like an expensive push bike - and I say ok. In return I might buy myself some clothes or a lovely bag or whatever. On the whole our savings are 'untouchable' unless it's for something we really need. We tend to 'equal' each other's spending.

You need to sit down and decide who is going to be responsible for which bills- make a list and divide it up. By responsible I mean sorting the payment.

You then need to think about medium and long term financial planning- how much can you save each month and where does that money go- your own ISAs are prob the best option.

But if you are saying he is not to be trusted with money that's another issue.

I don't mind the petrol guzzling as it is only for his work - 38 miles round trip every day, it soon adds up across the week. Thankfully though he is a teacher so for 13 weeks a year we would get some respite from that cost Mine is cheaper to run to I do sometimes let his use my car for other shorter journeys or we take mine if we are going somewhere together.

His personal loan was taken out about 6 months before we got together in order to improve some areas of the house which we now share. So I certainly don't begrudge him that It wasn't a loan for anything frivolous or silly.

We have a joint credit card that we used to finance some of our wedding. We don't use it for anything else. Yes, we are newly weds.

He an be trusted with money, he isn't silly wit h it all, he just isn't as organised as I consider myself to be. He is a very laid back guy

When I say we equal each others spending, I don't mean at the same time- I mean that neither of us feels guilty buying ourselves something because on balance we spend about the same amount over a year but on different things. ie my hairdressing bills cost as much over a year as something he might buy himself. we don't keep a count but we both have a good idea of what is acceptable and what would be purely selfish and irresponsible.

I have a 12 yr old car- with low mileage-bought from almost new. I could go out and buy a brand new one today but I'm not bothered enough yet.

If I was into cars and buying new ones every 2years and using up our savings that would be unfair and selfish so I don't so that.

Your DH doesn't seem to be thinking along those lines.

To be fair, he planned to buy a new car this coming February but has now decided against it because of the baby. I didn't even have to raise the issue myself. I have no doubts that when the baby comes he will probably spend all his money on him/her but I still want that security of having a joint account jut so I know how everything stands.

"I don't mind the petrol guzzling as it is only for his work"

How is it "for his work"?

He could drive a more fuel efficient car to work.

It's ridiculous that he is wasting so much money on petrol when you have such a modest income.

I wouldn't be OK with my decision about when to return to work from maternity leave being affected by my husband driving a car he basically couldn't afford.

Is a joint take home income of £3'300 a month classed as modest these days?? Blimey We actually consider ourselves very luck to have that. Maybe we are happy to have the simpler things in life then. I don't think £200 a month for petrol to get to work (out of over £3'000 a month) to be something that we can't afford.

If he's not frivolous that's a good starting point!

I am a sahm but I am largely in control of the money. BUT everything is filed and in order in plain view dh knows where stuff is. We also both take responsibility for knowing what is in our accounts if he checks he tells me and vice versa.

The cars issue is something that will (ime) disappear with time. As you change them and they become family assets rather than his car and your car , we still have a car we each drive most but in the interest of money saving fro short journeys we both take the smaller and cheaper car if it is available. It's just common sense.