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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I say this to my mum?

51 replies

Southernlassy · 07/10/2013 13:05

Arrrrrrgh!
I love my mum dearly and she's very old- mid 80s- so am lucky to have her still- but we live 300 miles apart and only see each other once every few months. We talk on the phone maybe once a week or more.

Anyhoo- I work from home in the main and am usually quite busy managing my time around 2 part time jobs.
She doesn't seem to realise that I work- well, she does, but not when it comes to phoning and she quite often calls me during the day when I am in the middle of some work, often with a deadline.

Her phone number is automatically withheld so I don't know if it's her or not- it could be anyone. I sometimes don't answer if I am busy but I did today and she was wanting to chat about her shopping trip, cosmetics etc etc which is all fine BUT I am working to a deadline and have a meeting to go to later today, so I had to cut the call short.

She didn't say anything but I know she'd be hurt- and this happens quite a lot.

She doesn't give any recognition that I am working- seems to think that if I am in the house I've time to chat, rather than asking me if it's a good time etc.

I feel such a cow but on the other hand wish she'd take my work seriously and respect my 'working day'.

Is there anything I can do- other than not answer her calls- that might help her appreciate how my life is?

I've thought of the usual- 'love to chat but can't- have to get on just now' and I know she'd still take offence.

OP posts:
roz1982 · 07/10/2013 14:16

Yeah it could be because she's a woman.

I just get the feeling that this elderly mum isn't going to change her views or behaviours! and if OP pushes for her to understand it might just cause tension and nothing will change as a result...I do understand as well though coz I have infuriating situations with my dm.. Think we all probably do!

Original poster
Southernlassy · 07/10/2013 14:18

pants- no I'm a writer/author.

OP posts:
tiktok · 07/10/2013 14:18

Southernlassy, it's not nice to hurt anyone, but what you propose to say is not hurtful in any way....and the words you have used are 'guilt' and 'feeling like a cow' and you are 'scared' to give offence. Those words came before the idea you might hurt her.

She has hurt/is hurting you by not taking your work seriously or showing you approval of your achievements.

She may not change now - but it's still not normal (though it's common) to be still seeking approval and validation from our parents well into adult life, and feeling hurt without it.

The practical ideas here on managing the situation are really good, but what really lies at the heart of this, I suspect, is your worry about hurting/offending even by managing the situation, and your need for your mums's validation. Once you overcome that need, or else see it for what it is, you'll feel ok about managing her intrusive calling.

roz1982 · 07/10/2013 14:19

Southernlassy, I'm not negating your profession or your work whatsoever...I too am a professional and really value my work. I'm just telling you what your OP made me think. I honestly don't think your mum will change. Not in a disrespectful way, but she's old, and old people don't tend it change! It reminds me of my mum in some ways. Sorry I don't really have a solution, just telling you what I think. Good luck with it.

Original poster
Southernlassy · 07/10/2013 14:22

A lot of the time I have managed it- by jumping in the minute I answer and saying I'll call er later. Today I didn't.

I am not so much as seeking validation as avoiding hurting an old woman who is in a very unhappy, lonely marriage and whose only DD lives 5 hrs away. I am conscious her days are numbered ( late 80s) and don't want what may one day be our last conversation to be one that is hurtful.

Maybe this is something you will only understand if you have elderly parents who live a long way off.

OP posts:
roz1982 · 07/10/2013 14:22

Ps your work may be a huge part of who you are to you, but to your mum you are her daughter first and foremost. And the whole she thinks you clean all day think is purely a generational issue. I really wouldn't get so wound up about it; she can't help it can she? She's a product of her time as we all are.

pantsonbackwards · 07/10/2013 14:27

So I suppose it interrupts your "flow" when you are working, that's tricky!

tiktok · 07/10/2013 14:28

Southernlassy - I do have elderly parents who live a long way off! I don't want to hurt them either, but when/if they phone at an inconvenient time they don't get hurt when I say I can't talk.....they are maddening in other ways of course :) :)

tiktok · 07/10/2013 14:29

(my parents' marriage is also deeply unhappy :( )

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 07/10/2013 14:33

Southern my grandmother had a series of serious heart attacks in her mid 70s and from then on constantly reminded people that she would only be with us for another few years, if she was lucky. My parents moved her from one end of the country to the other to set her up in a flat on their property, which they adapted for her. She was a difficult lady (not saying your mum is aside from not valuing your work). She also refused to acknowledge that my parents were in the same profession as one another, and only respected my dad's work and acted/ talked as if my mum stayed at home (kids all grown up). She had a lot of other odd attitudes too - told my adopted sister, who was much better with her than I ever was and more importantly also had a very good career, that it was her duty to get married as soon as possible to get herself off my parents' hands... Confused

Anyway everyone stood on eggshells assuming she wouldn't be about much longer...

She died just a couple of months shy of her 100th birthday - she'd played the "this might be the last time we speak" card for 25 years!

haveyourselfashandy · 07/10/2013 20:02

Just don't answer the phone if its withheld,I don't think you will get through to her no matter how many times you say you are too busy to talk!If she's lonely and just wants a chat with her daughter then set aside some time on an evening to give her a call.

KatieScarlett2833 · 07/10/2013 20:14

Since mum retired I get this at work. I say " Mum, I'm so busy I may kill my colleagues Wink I can't really talk, when are you free later?"
Then when I call her back I whinge on about my appalling day (they are all appalling) mum feels good she's helped me feel better, win win Smile

JustinBsMum · 07/10/2013 20:15

Well, if she is home during the day she has loads of time to phone you and that is when what she is concerned about is on her mind.

In the evening she is prob glued to the tv so doesn't feel like ringing then.

Could you get a friend to leave a message on the phone 'this is Southern's secretary speaking, I'm sorry but she is in a meeting at the moment, please leave a message and I will get back to you to arrange a call/meeting with her for when she is available'. If it's more formal she might believe you are busy and be put off.

Southdevondelight · 07/10/2013 20:36

Sorry if I'm being a bit dense here, but why is your mother's number withheld? Surely if you get rid of that obstacle, you can simply call her back when convenient for you to do so?

dubstarr73 · 09/10/2013 10:27

I bet she doesnt show her number because op will see who it is and wont answer the phone.With holding the number means she will get through sometimes

WhatchaMaCalllit · 09/10/2013 11:09

I'm guessing (as the OP did mention that her own number is Ex-Dir) that the mother's number is also ex-dir too and that might explain why is comes up as "withheld" when she rings, maybe???

DistanceCall · 09/10/2013 11:20

If you say "Hello, Mum. Sorry, but this is not a very good time, I'm working against a deadline - can I call you back later? Love you" she will be offended?

She may be a bit miffed, but she'll get over it. And you won't be HURTING her, believe me. You'd be hurting her if you deliberately insulted her or something like that.

whatdoesittake48 · 09/10/2013 12:49

Can you set a time each day to have a quick chat - say over your lunch break or first thing in the morning.

Chat with her and say "how about we set up a time for you to call me every day". That way you are both prepared for the call. If a call comes through at that time you know it is her. if a call comes later in the day you are allowed to ignore it - knowing you have done your duty for that day.

I am also a writer and work from home - it is tricky balancing everything. I get up at 6am and have done three hours work before I even have a shower...but I am sure I could find time to chat to my Mum (if she were still with us...) at least once a day, if I knew when and for how long.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/10/2013 14:26

Op I have the same thing. I also work from home.

I simply don't answer any calls with a withheld number. Ever. Hate them.

Original poster
Southernlassy · 09/10/2013 14:38

Thanks for the replies.

My parents phone number is automatically withheld. They have set it up like this permanently ( as have a few of my friends.)

My handset shows 'withheld' when they call.

I think what I will do is either-
leave the answerphone to take the call & call back if it's urgent

make a point of saying somehow that I try not to answer the phone during a working day

I don't think she is putting 2+ 2 together- if she calls when I am out she might then ask me ( when we do talk) if I was gardening, shopping etc etc when she rang- she never seems to think I am working! She also never, ever asks if it's a good time to talk- which is just common sense when you phone someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Southernlassy · 09/10/2013 14:42

Oh and she also 'imagines' what I am doing at certain times- like she'll phone and say 'just wanted to catch you before you start dinner' when in fact we might be having dinner early that day. She always invents a reason for the timing of her call ( tries to say she's chosen a 'good' time) but she's often way out with her thinking.

The problem is that on some days I do have loads of time, but on others I'm up against it so she ought to at least ask when she rings....

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 09/10/2013 14:43

I've had this in the past. Can you use a white lie? Something like : 'Mum, really sorry to interrupt but there's a work call on the other line that I need to answer. I'll call you back later?' This getting you off the phone fairly quickly and giving her an alternative to being offended as there is an immediate and tangible reason you can't talk instead of the perfectly valid 'I'm working'.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2013 14:50

Hi southernlassy,

re this comment you wrote earlier:-

"I am not so much as seeking validation as avoiding hurting an old woman who is in a very unhappy, lonely marriage and whose only DD lives 5 hrs away"

But your mother is not above disregarding you by calling repeatedly when it is not suitable?. Your mother will likely never settle for anything less than total availability from you when she calls; this is about power and control really. On that basis as well if you tried to impose any further boundary she would disregard it completely.

Do you still seek her approval as well now even as an adult?.

It is not your fault either that she chooses to remain in an unhappy and lonely marriage. You do not and will likely never know the full story of their marriage and what happens now behind closed doors. She likely gets some innate needs of hers met so stays.

Original poster
Southernlassy · 09/10/2013 14:58

If that were true Attila I'd agree but it's not- it's an exaggeration of what I wrote. She doesn't call 'repeatedly' ie 3 times a day every day. She calls about once a week, twice at the most, and on some of those occasions it's when I am working.

I'm not under my mum's thumb in any way or seeking her 'approval'. I just don't want to hurt her as she is old, increasingly frail and she's been a good mum for over 50 years.

She is simply impulsive when it comes to phoning- she rings lots of people all day long almost on a whim-and most of her widowed friends aged 80+ are thrilled to bits to hear from her. But she just needs a small reminder that the work I churn out doesn't do itself.

OP posts:
noddingoff · 09/10/2013 15:29

I like whatchamacallit's phone message suggestion. You can listen to the voicemail and call back if something awful. I would also lauch pre-emptive strikes - ring her once or twice a week when you've got loads of time and say you just fancied a chat. If you have a good long conversation hopefully the next day when she wants to impulse-call somebody, she'll choose one of her friends 'cos she already had a long chatty conversation with you the day before. If she is too busy to talk when you ring sometimes, then it sort of evens things up a bit too.