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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Divorce settlement advice

38 replies

Pomegranatenoir · 06/10/2013 17:01

I am in the middle of a rather nasty divorce and we have got to the form e swapping stage. I thought I was getting good advice from my solicitor but my ex tells me that they are rubbish at every opportunity.

Feel like I'm going crazy with it all. My ex had an affair and left me with 2 children. He is also a company director, high earner, access to a lot of cash and puts majority of costs through his business.

Is there anywhere that I can go for advice other than a solicitor. I'm so scared that I am going to be left penniless. He has offered the minimum csa amount to support children but it doesn't even pay half of the childcare cost. If I accept it I will be left with £10 per week for food, clothing and classes for all of us once paying out all bills - that includes downsizing and making major sacrifices to the children's lifestyle. He will be left with over 3000 per month. And he lives with new partner.

OP posts:

LordElpuss · 06/10/2013 22:05

If you post on this section of the board you should get lots of helpful advice about aupairs.

misreadings · 06/10/2013 22:14

Hello Pomegranate. I'm very tempted to PM you - it sounds as though we may be divorcing the same man!

My ex also tells me my solicitor is rubbish at every opportunity, although my lawyer just laughs and tells me he takes it as a compliment

I also have two pre-school aged children and am currently shouldering nursery costs alone (despite having been a SAHM when we separated). I am hoping to up my working hours soon and am very interested in getting an au pair. It might not be as 'ideal' as having a nanny but the live-in aspect doesn't bother me now as much as it would have done were we still together. Someone to do a bit of babysitting, reasonably priced, someone to help out, what's not to like?

I'd stick with your lawyer and try to trust in the process, tough as it is.

OvertiredandConfused · 06/10/2013 22:48

Go to www.aupairworld.net. I'm on my 8th au pair now - I've typically gone for 6 month contracts, but I'm now looking at longer. If you'd like to ask questions about how that works, feel free to PM me.

nje3006 · 07/10/2013 13:06

If he thought your lawyer was crap, he'd be keeping quiet so you would stay with them and their crap advice.
He is scared of your lawyer and their advice to you, that's why he's trying to get you to change.
Your lawyer is right - it's a compliment.

Artesia · 07/10/2013 13:16

I have been in your position, and I know how hard it is to stand firm, but you must, for the sake of your children if nothing else. My ex did exactly the same as yours, and dragged the financial side out right out to a final hearing as he wasn't prepared to settle at anywhere near what I was being advised was reasonable.

He got a nasty shock in the end, and the final amount awarded was pretty much bang on what I had been proposing as a settlement, under the advice of my lawyer (who, again, was apparently rubbish, according to my ex). If you are happy with the advice you are getting, stick with it, and don't let him bully you into settling for less just to get it all over and done with.

Very best of luck x

Original poster

Pomegranatenoir · 07/10/2013 15:41

Thanks all for your help. Just spoken to my solicitor and I am reassured that I am getting good advice. He is playing some funny games. You have really helped me to stay strong! Well for today anyway!!! It is a very long road

OP posts:

Artesia · 07/10/2013 23:44

Really glad you are feeling better about it all. Feel free to PM any time you need a boost to your "stay strong" resolve- I know how hard it is when you are faced with pressure, game playing or just utter fuck-wittery from an ex!

perfectstorm · 08/10/2013 01:04

Agree with Wellwobbly on the forensic accountant front. What has your solicitor said about that?

I'm so sorry. Your poor children, with their father behaving this way. Hang on in there - this is their money.

Original poster

Pomegranatenoir · 08/10/2013 01:47

Solicitor has said we can instruct one if needed. At the moment we are focused in trying to get him to fully complete his form e with all of the necessary attachments (the basics like bank statements and salary details!!)

I might take you up on the pm offer Artesia when things get rough! Is there a divorce process support group on here?

OP posts:

Want2bSupermum · 08/10/2013 02:14

You have a decent lawyer otherwise he wouldn't say not to use one...

With regards to your divorce, I advised my friend going through a similiar situation to keep track of her expenses that her DH paid for before they got divorced (she found out her DH was having an affair and he had no idea she knew). In their case she was able to keep detailed records before he had an inkling of them getting divorced. Using this technique she managed to get a decent support payment for the children that was somewhat similiar to what she got while married to him. When he stopped payment she told she would shop him to the Inland Revenue if he didn't pay up in full. He never tried that trick again.

Basically her lawyer argued, 'When we were married you had x income and supported our family with y. Nothing has changed so the support should be the same.' I think most judges don't want to see the children go without for no reason so bought into the argument. It is also very important to consider going after the martial home. Stamp duty is really expensive and in my friends case she was better off staying put. Her DH had put a huge mortgage against the house and the court to repay his brother (another money hide) decided that 50% of the asset but 90% of the debt went to her exDH but 50% of the house was in her name. She was able to pay off her liability and had her name removed from the mortgage (bank were not happy about this but had to accept).

The judget was brilliant and suggested an equitable split was for my friend to get 50% of his business! We had a giggle at that.

perfectstorm · 08/10/2013 08:33

Yeah, in that case it sounds like he's trying to undermine your confidence in your solicitor so you don't trust the advice, and maybe even move to a worse one. Git.

Want2bsupermum, how brilliant!

misreadings · 08/10/2013 09:45

Pomegranate - I think an MN divorce support group is a great idea, I tried starting something similar earlier this year when I was going through a hellish time shortly after separating. It sort of petered out and for myself I just felt so 'in the thick of it' that at the time I really wasn't able to reach out that much to support others . The other thing that troubled me was also giving too much personal information away, particularly on the legal front, because my STBXH does like to indulge in a bit of MN-stalking the twat

I'm glad you feel reassured by your solicitor. I'm about to go it alone regarding the children, hoping to keep most of my ever-dwindling divorce loan pot to help me secure the finances further down the line. My STBXH is costing me thousands in pointless and never-ending letters about unbelievably trivial nonsense and I just can't cope with it any more. Spoke to a McKenzie Friend yesterday who I might get to help me with that section of the divorce... harrumph.

veryconfusedatthemoment · 08/10/2013 14:10

misreadings - I have the same - it is financial bullying. There seems to be nothing you can do - it you retain your lawyer to keep ex at arms lengths you pay for it or you go it alone. We think my ex has his lawyer on sole retainer. I am just at the end of finances and am expecting the next onslaught to be about DS and residency :(

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