Divorce settlement advice

[Pomegranatenoir]

Hi

I am in the middle of a rather nasty divorce and we have got to the form e swapping stage. I thought I was getting good advice from my solicitor but my ex tells me that they are rubbish at every opportunity.

Feel like I'm going crazy with it all. My ex had an affair and left me with 2 children. He is also a company director, high earner, access to a lot of cash and puts majority of costs through his business.

Is there anywhere that I can go for advice other than a solicitor. I'm so scared that I am going to be left penniless. He has offered the minimum csa amount to support children but it doesn't even pay half of the childcare cost. If I accept it I will be left with £10 per week for food, clothing and classes for all of us once paying out all bills - that includes downsizing and making major sacrifices to the children's lifestyle. He will be left with over 3000 per month. And he lives with new partner.

[veryconfusedatthemoment]

misreadings - I have the same - it is financial bullying. There seems to be nothing you can do - it you retain your lawyer to keep ex at arms lengths you pay for it or you go it alone. We think my ex has his lawyer on sole retainer. I am just at the end of finances and am expecting the next onslaught to be about DS and residency :(

[misreadings]

Pomegranate - I think an MN divorce support group is a great idea, I tried starting something similar earlier this year when I was going through a hellish time shortly after separating. It sort of petered out and for myself I just felt so 'in the thick of it' that at the time I really wasn't able to reach out that much to support others . The other thing that troubled me was also giving too much personal information away, particularly on the legal front, because my STBXH does like to indulge in a bit of MN-stalking the twat

I'm glad you feel reassured by your solicitor. I'm about to go it alone regarding the children, hoping to keep most of my ever-dwindling divorce loan pot to help me secure the finances further down the line. My STBXH is costing me thousands in pointless and never-ending letters about unbelievably trivial nonsense and I just can't cope with it any more. Spoke to a McKenzie Friend yesterday who I might get to help me with that section of the divorce... harrumph.

[perfectstorm]

Yeah, in that case it sounds like he's trying to undermine your confidence in your solicitor so you don't trust the advice, and maybe even move to a worse one. Git.

Want2bsupermum, how brilliant!

[Want2bSupermum]

You have a decent lawyer otherwise he wouldn't say not to use one...

With regards to your divorce, I advised my friend going through a similiar situation to keep track of her expenses that her DH paid for before they got divorced (she found out her DH was having an affair and he had no idea she knew). In their case she was able to keep detailed records before he had an inkling of them getting divorced. Using this technique she managed to get a decent support payment for the children that was somewhat similiar to what she got while married to him. When he stopped payment she told she would shop him to the Inland Revenue if he didn't pay up in full. He never tried that trick again.

Basically her lawyer argued, 'When we were married you had x income and supported our family with y. Nothing has changed so the support should be the same.' I think most judges don't want to see the children go without for no reason so bought into the argument. It is also very important to consider going after the martial home. Stamp duty is really expensive and in my friends case she was better off staying put. Her DH had put a huge mortgage against the house and the court to repay his brother (another money hide) decided that 50% of the asset but 90% of the debt went to her exDH but 50% of the house was in her name. She was able to pay off her liability and had her name removed from the mortgage (bank were not happy about this but had to accept).

The judget was brilliant and suggested an equitable split was for my friend to get 50% of his business! We had a giggle at that.

[Pomegranatenoir]

Solicitor has said we can instruct one if needed. At the moment we are focused in trying to get him to fully complete his form e with all of the necessary attachments (the basics like bank statements and salary details!!)

I might take you up on the pm offer Artesia when things get rough! Is there a divorce process support group on here?

[perfectstorm]

Agree with Wellwobbly on the forensic accountant front. What has your solicitor said about that?

I'm so sorry. Your poor children, with their father behaving this way. Hang on in there - this is their money.

[Artesia]

Really glad you are feeling better about it all. Feel free to PM any time you need a boost to your "stay strong" resolve- I know how hard it is when you are faced with pressure, game playing or just utter fuck-wittery from an ex!

[Pomegranatenoir]

Thanks all for your help. Just spoken to my solicitor and I am reassured that I am getting good advice. He is playing some funny games. You have really helped me to stay strong! Well for today anyway!!! It is a very long road

[Artesia]

I have been in your position, and I know how hard it is to stand firm, but you must, for the sake of your children if nothing else. My ex did exactly the same as yours, and dragged the financial side out right out to a final hearing as he wasn't prepared to settle at anywhere near what I was being advised was reasonable.

He got a nasty shock in the end, and the final amount awarded was pretty much bang on what I had been proposing as a settlement, under the advice of my lawyer (who, again, was apparently rubbish, according to my ex). If you are happy with the advice you are getting, stick with it, and don't let him bully you into settling for less just to get it all over and done with.

Very best of luck x

[nje3006]

If he thought your lawyer was crap, he'd be keeping quiet so you would stay with them and their crap advice.
He is scared of your lawyer and their advice to you, that's why he's trying to get you to change.
Your lawyer is right - it's a compliment.

[OvertiredandConfused]

Go to www.aupairworld.net. I'm on my 8th au pair now - I've typically gone for 6 month contracts, but I'm now looking at longer. If you'd like to ask questions about how that works, feel free to PM me.

[misreadings]

Hello Pomegranate. I'm very tempted to PM you - it sounds as though we may be divorcing the same man!

My ex also tells me my solicitor is rubbish at every opportunity, although my lawyer just laughs and tells me he takes it as a compliment

I also have two pre-school aged children and am currently shouldering nursery costs alone (despite having been a SAHM when we separated). I am hoping to up my working hours soon and am very interested in getting an au pair. It might not be as 'ideal' as having a nanny but the live-in aspect doesn't bother me now as much as it would have done were we still together. Someone to do a bit of babysitting, reasonably priced, someone to help out, what's not to like?

I'd stick with your lawyer and try to trust in the process, tough as it is.

[LordElpuss]

If you post on this section of the board you should get lots of helpful advice about aupairs.

[Pomegranatenoir]

Where can you find au pairs? I like the suggestion but I'm petrified of the reality if someone living in my house.

[Pomegranatenoir]

I get them now because I they go off last years earnings and I was working 3 days a week and in maternity leave. Moving forward I will get approx £300 per month. Childcare at present is 1700 or a nursery and after school is 1200. I bring in around £2100 every month. I used to have a car including fuel and insurance from my exs business. That was taken off me when he left. I now have a car and including petrol it costs £550 per month (majority on fuel because I travel for work). So 2100 - 1200 - 550 then take off 200 for in Payments off debts he left me with leaves 150. Add his contribution of 700 plus tax credit of 300 leaves me with 1150 to pay for a house, energy bills, council tax, insurances, phones and tv licence, food, clothes, school trips, school dinners etc. not even considering holidays, birthdays and Christmas. I can't make it work at all.

[LordElpuss]

akaWisey - I'm going off what OP said, that she gets tax credits.

[veryconfusedatthemoment]

You really have to look after yourself. I was all for being reasonable until my solicitor yelled at me - he doesn't care anymore, and she was so right! My barrister was excellent - worth every penny. It has cost me a lot to get my financial settlement (5 court sessions) and now ex is likely soon to be going back to court after more time with DS. So if you can snoop - it may not be admissible but it is useful to you to know. When I was clearing out paper work that ex had forgotten to take there were all sorts of useful bits which substantiated that I had contributed financially for years as well as the other. You will only get 1 main chance to fight so you owe it to yourself to do so. I was reasonably happy with my settlement but the anger over how ex and OW behaved will never leave me I fear.

[akaWisey]

The OP won't get tax credits. I had mine stopped because the rules changed and the earnings bracket changed. If they pay by mistake it will all have to be paid back - by the OP.

it also depends on the mortgage repayments and the on-costs of running the home. It's all relative. But I agree a nanny is a luxury.

[OvertiredandConfused]

Sorry I can't help with most of your issues but I wanted to make a suggestion about childcare options.

Think about an au pair rather than a nanny - about £80 per week and pre- and post- school childcare will be covered and you'll have another adult in the house. Ours also does some housework and ironing - real, practical support for a single parent.

[LordElpuss]

Whilst I'm sympathetic to your plight (I loathe bullies and cheats), I'm struggling to see how you won't be able to survive on a salary of £35,000 plus tax credits plus CB plus £700 maintenance from your ex. Obviously the nanny will have to be made redundant, she's a luxury you won't be able to afford but I really don't think you'll be on your uppers with the kind of income you're anticipating.

Or maybe I've missed something

[akaWisey]

Well I think he's spinning you the line he'd like you to believe OP.

Your sol should be gathering ALL PROOF of both your's and your errant fuckwit h's income and assets. That takes time and even more time if he's dragging his heels and trying to hide assets (which they often do).

Please don't let him grind you down. If you're not satisfied that your solicitor has teeth like these then you can seek advice from another (like I had too) who will talk in 'nuclear options' (like my last one did, and it worked - eventually).

I know what this all feels like, I've been there. Stay with it.

[Wellwobbly]

Forensic accountant!

[Wellwobbly]

He says. He wants. He thinks. He.

It is what the courts say, think and want, OP.

Change your habits! Stop listening to what he ...

What do YOU want, think, say? Listen to your solicitor, not him.

[comingintomyown]

"I just want it to be over "

Do not succumb to that feeling once you have settled there is no going back and you owe it to your DC to fight for a fair deal

[Pomegranatenoir]

I would like to stay in the house but he says we can't. He offered all of the equity in house (anything from 50-90k) but house must be sold and me to pay all legal costs in selling. He said he will pay £700 per month. After I've paid childcare and my car all I have left each money his couple of hundred. There is no way I could get a mortgage or rent. Just don't know how I can make it all work.

I feel like a wreck with all the worry. Can't concentrate on work, going through redundancy consultations, stressed about finding other childcare and then he is bullying me. I just want it to be over