Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

You all said LTB and now he's announced that we're finished

28 replies

4paws · 06/10/2013 08:18

The truth is always better than a lie apparently. He doesn't feel about me the way he should. He loves me but not in that way. Or not enough for me.

He's ok about me leaving the country with the kids. This will be hardest on him he says but he wants to be the bigger person here. He did say we could make the 'pragmatic' choice and stay together for the sake of the kids; so basically continuing life the same but with me accepting it. I said I couldn't live like that. I have spent 2 weeks now trying any way to get through to him but it seems his mind is made up. Tho now he's being nice to me and calling me 'baby'

Says there's no point in counselling. Even after everything I said before, I am absolutely gutted. Sorry. I have no idea how to link old thread. Help me. I'm trying to keep it together.

OP posts:
onyerbike · 06/10/2013 08:22

I'm sorry that you're going through this.
Which country are you in? Do you have anyone nearby that you trust?

Could he be seeing someone else?

MadameLeMean · 06/10/2013 08:22

I don't think I saw your old thread but try to see this as your chance to start a new life for yourself and the kids. You will be happy. It may be easier now he has made the decision "for" you but sounds like you wanted to LTB anyway. Think of the freedom... No compromising no feeling crappy you will be able to do what you want with your time.. And he's not stopping you leaving the country with the dc. Blessing in disguise I'd say - I know it's sad but try to get a bit excited about your new life? Good luck

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/10/2013 08:25

I'm sorry it's ended and that you're in such a sad situation. I don't know the back-story but it sounds like it's been unhappy for some time. If your decision to leave the country with the DCs was a bluff to get him to change attitude, he's called it.... always a risk you take. If you think it's the right decision for you and the DCs, then have the courage of your convictions and good luck making your plans for a new life. Do you have RL support?

Original poster
4paws · 06/10/2013 08:29

Thanks. Yes I have a couple of RL support. and 1 toxic nightmare

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/10/2013 08:31

Then do call on your RL support and try to make that mental transition from still wanting him to change so that you don't have to do anything.... to moving forward into a new life without him. Good luck

Original poster
4paws · 06/10/2013 08:31

He's still here. Floating around and being normal. I can't really take it. We're all supposed to be going on a big extended family holiday in a month's time

OP posts:
kyotokate · 06/10/2013 08:31

Previous Thread

Original poster
4paws · 06/10/2013 08:33

I've started feeling a bit angry and not just curled up in a ball wailing but then every day my insomnia wakes me up and it's despair all over again,

OP posts:
Original poster
4paws · 06/10/2013 08:34

Thanks kyoto

OP posts:
mummytime · 06/10/2013 08:39

Get something in writing. Good luck.

Libertine73 · 06/10/2013 08:43

oh love, it seems like he's got someone else, but that doesn't really matter now, he's moved on already and you must too.

are you coming back to the UK? or do you feel you have enough of a life to get on with it without him there?

onyerbike · 06/10/2013 08:50

I'm an expat also and understand your position fully.
I remember when i used to get frustrated years ago when my dh came home after 6pm.... How i wish for those days.

Very niavely i thought that as he progressed he would delegate more..Grin.. How foolish.

My dh works comparitive hours to yours and can be gone for significant periods of time. When I've complained about this he states i'm "unrealistic" about expectations for someone in his position.

I understand that the hours is just a part of your issues. I do think it is very frustrating being an expat sahm. It sometimes feels like life is passing you by because of the lack of proffessional and personal opportunities. It can be very demorilising to wait around for dh to come home. I think it breeds a feeling of being out of control of your own life and if things are difficult you question why the hell you're doing it.

It must be very difficult to watch your dh flourish and enjoy the opportunies and experiences he has while not supporting you. It seems like he is enjoying the control he has and is being very selfish.

In expat life it is really difficult to know who you can trust and confide in, there is so much emphasis placed on appearences that it can make it really difficult to get support when you're vulnerable.

I feel very angry that your dh is not being kinder to you, i hope you can be kind to yourself.

MissScatterbrain · 06/10/2013 08:53

It does sound like he has moved on as a result of having met someone else.

The best thing is to detach and make arrangements to formalise the separation and focus on re building your own life. Getting RL support will help you enormously esp since this man does not sound interested in his own DC.

Lizzabadger · 06/10/2013 08:59

His behaviour certainly has "affair" written all over it. Sorry. I'd divorce him and make sure you get the best financial settlement possible for you and your children.

Look after yourself.

Mrscaindingle · 06/10/2013 08:59

I agree with Cogito and get RL support as quickly as possible even if they're only at the end of a phone.
It must be awful being in the same house and when you're the one in pain and your OH appears indifferent or happy about the situation (as in my case) it is even harder.
My oldest friends and my mum have kept me sane and I don't think I could have got through my own situation without them. My ex was working abroad (for a year supposedly) and decided he liked his expat lifestyle so much he's not coming back.
I've had days where I was climbing the walls and I literally felt like I was losing my mind, phoned a friend and almost always ended up laughing, usually at my ex's expense Grin
You are right in the midst of it and most likely feeling shocked, even if it's not a bolt out of the blue the shock can still hit you.
At least he is allowing you to return to the UK, how much worse would it be to stay trapped in that life?
Hope things get better for you soon.

DoNotRideInOnAWhiteHorse · 06/10/2013 08:59

A word of warning. Just because someone has someone else, they will not necessarily have moved on from having strong emotions towards you.

What you will find is the love they once had turns to hatred, and it can go on for years. There can also be a hatred of you that will carry on from you being dehumanised during their affair, to justify doing nasty things to you.

DontmindifIdo · 06/10/2013 09:01

OK. take him at his word now, get as much paperwork together, including bank statements etc, get your DCs on a plane and come back to the UK, preferably with a letter signed by him that he's happy for you to return to the UK with the DCs. From here, get to a solicitor in the first few days. Find out where you stand.

It does sound to me like he's met someone else, who isn't ready for the full "moving intogether and being a step mum" bit, so he's being "honest" with you, you can leave if you want, it's clear to you he doesn't love you, so his concious is clear if you do what he wants, which is still play happy families at home while he goes has fun with someone else the rest of the time.

Leave, because it sounds like he's laying the ground work to be an absolute shit to you without feeling like he's in the wrong and having to deal with guilt.

Original poster
4paws · 06/10/2013 09:48

Thanks. You're all very kind. I am in pain. I've told him to go away for the week. It's pretty normal behaviour for him tbh. I think I've photocoped all essential paperwork, cos yes, I know I can't trust he'll be reasonable later.

I don't know what to do about the 'happy family' holiday. The kids are really excited. We're supposed to be going with their 4 cousins and I don't know if I'll ever scrape up the money to go again.

OP posts:
onyerbike · 06/10/2013 09:55

Do you think it's a coincidence that he's saying all this stuff now when he knows you've got this family holiday coming up?

Is it perhaps possible that he knows you won't leave now because of this and he can do whatever he wants until then and while he's on holiday with you all he'll just reel you back in....until next time?

DoNotRideInOnAWhiteHorse · 06/10/2013 10:23

I think he has a plan, do not trust him. Do your own thing.

Spree · 06/10/2013 10:33

I think you can detach, go on this family holiday and make plans to return home.

You will need time to contact schools in the UK to check spaces and it's a lot easier to move DC in and out of school at the end of term / school year.

Going on this family may make you sad (not sure if holiday is with his family or yours) but your DC will have the company of cousins to distract them and you may be able to get some adult support (if holiday is with your family).

I know you feel hurt, and perhaps even paralysed by the thought of your marriage breaking down but if you put a plan together and tick off lists of things to do, it will help you start taking baby steps.

Original poster
4paws · 06/10/2013 10:53

I dunno. I think on 1 level he will miss us and on the other is leaping for joy at getting rid of all his family responsibilities

A close friend has said she can help me out getting somewhere to rent nearish her, and schools near there looks like it might be ok - i know until you're actually in the UK you can't get any school places confirmed

I'm just so desperately sad Sad Sad Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
4paws · 06/10/2013 10:53

I think I'm detaching, and then I just burst into tears all over again

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 06/10/2013 10:56

I think you should scrap the family holiday idea, get a letter from him saying he's happy for you to take the DCs back to the UK and then just go. Get near your friend and start applying for school places. It does sound like he's feeling guilty now, but that won't last. Use this "reasonable" time to get yourself in a strong position.

Aroundtheworldandback · 06/10/2013 11:16

Donotrideonawhitehorse you are so correct. My exh de-humanised me and displayed such viscous contempt and hate to me to justify his affair and vile treatment of me and his dcs. Ten years on he still loathes me for 'having taken money' in maintainance for the dcs. So now he has a reason!

And the fact that I am now blissfully remarried to someone as good as he was bad, doesn't make it any better for him!