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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gay husband

28 replies

Stillcomingtoterms · 06/10/2013 00:26

I've name changed as not to out myself.

This year I found out that dh of 10 yrs has decided he's gay/bisexual. He's been unhappy with us for the past two yrs and came to the conclusion it's because he's attracted to men. Im grateful that even though it's been difficult for him to come out he has never cheated on me and I believe him when he says until two yrs ago he never for one minute thought he was gay.

So... We still love each other, but for him it's "as a best friend " love. For me, I still love him and agreed that even though he is gay we could still continue to live together as we still have sex and a very good relationship.

Here's the part where it gets weird. We agreement that he could also find a male friend with benefits.
Well he went out today with said friend and when he came home I could see how happy he was. They only went for food but dh is obv smitten.

I think tonight I've had the realisation that our marriage is over. I don't want to be the one forcing dh to live a life he doesn't want. Neither do I want to be with someone who can't love me how I want. I'm so sad about it all. I feel sorry for my dc who will have to grow up with a gay dad. I'm sorry that my old age isn't going to be spent with my husband, that I can't tell anyone in rl whats going on in my marriage and that my life is never going to be the same.

I guess the only thing I can salvage from this is the hope we can still be friends.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 06/10/2013 00:33

Why can't you tell anyone in rl?

rootypig · 06/10/2013 00:35

OP. That is such a hard situation. It sounds as though you have been really gentle and respectful of your DH's feelings.

But the situation you describe (putting aside the complication of his sexuality) is polyamory and that isn't for most people. It sounds as though you have realised it isn't for you. All the sadnesses you describe are real, but given time you will come to terms with them, and other things in your life will grow and take their place.

As for DC - if he is a good dad to them, it won't matter that he's gay. Supporting them through the split, regardless of the reason for it, must be the priority.

stella69x · 06/10/2013 00:36

Sorry no experience of your situation but has he come home in that mood because its new and exciting? Rather than what he wants forever!

Xollob · 06/10/2013 00:38

That's a sad realisation for you OP Sad

Vivacia · 06/10/2013 05:41

I second the question, why can't you tell someone? You need support too.

calmingtea · 06/10/2013 08:09

If you took the sexuality aspects away he is having an emotional affair... it is not his fault that he has realised he is gay, but it is not your fault either and it doesn't sound like he is being 100% honest or fair on you either now or throughout your relationship. You need to start looking out for yourself and be more gentle and kind to yourself. It sounds like you are making all the compromises in your relationship/friendship and he is taking a huge advantage of the fact that you love him and want to keep your marriage. Would you have allowed a friend with benefits if he had fallen for another woman? You need to get support for you and stop hiding it, tell your family and friends and get people you can talk to and get advice from. Being a single parent is not easy and doing it alone is harder.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/10/2013 08:17

I've known two families personally that have gone through exactly the same thing. One it ended badly - mostly, I think, because they tried to ignore the inevitable and he wound up lying and sneaking around. The other was much more honest, they are all very much friends although the divorce was very sad, and the DCs have adapted to the new situation remarkably well. Friends and family's reaction when hearing the news was mixed but that applies to any break-up. I think the FWB arrangement was never going to be a runner but at least you've had a little time to adapt to this new information. The DCs will see it as positively as you (plural) present it to them. Sorry you're faced with the dilemma... make sure this isn't all about him.

sparklekitty · 06/10/2013 08:24

One of my best friends dad is gay. He found out when he was about 14, his dad moved out and has been in a long term relationship for many years now (they might actually be married now, can't remember). His mum and dad remained very good friends, they worked together as well.

She also has a new DH, friends dad and his partner came to the wedding. They are now like a group of very close friends. It has been hard for friend but he now has a large family and he is glad of that.

I think as long as you can keep it amicable it can work well. I know it must hurt but you cannot live the rest of your life like this. You need to give yourself the chance to find someone else to grow old with, someone what can give you everything you need/want. You can still have your DH in your life, just in a very different role now.

Charotte31 · 06/10/2013 08:30

Hugs for you op. What a sad situation for you both. I really feel for you. No words of wisdom I afraid just wanted it say something. I really hope things work out for you, your DC and your husband. Be kind to yourself xx

TheGinLushMinion · 06/10/2013 09:02

Please tell a good friend in rl so they can help you through what is an awful situation for you.

Your DC will probably surprise you in their ability to deal with this, it's really not that unusual.
As for the old age thing, no reason to think you can't move on from this & meet a lovely new person is there?

Flowers
DeckSwabber · 06/10/2013 09:42

No advice but I am really taken by your generous response to your husband and the situation you are in.

I can't imagine how painful this must be for you both but with your openness and kindness you will get through this.

Fairenuff · 06/10/2013 10:07

It is not like an emotional affair because they agreed he could have a FWB so he is not cheating.

I also have a friend who found out her dh is gay. In their case, he did cheat and lie about it but eventually the truth came out. She kept it to herself for a long time and she became very ill with the worry.

Now they are separated, he is in a ltr with a man and she is happily single, pursuing her career.

I think you absolutely could be friends OP, provided that you both work towards that with the separation. Relate can help with all of that.

Original poster
Stillcomingtoterms · 06/10/2013 12:48

Thank you all. I've been dealing with this for a while and thought I was doing ok until last night. Now I just feel like crying all day.

I know how difficult this has been for him and wanted to support him. It's something he's been struggling for a while. How do you tell the woman you've been with 20 yrs you think your gay! He's feeling guilty too about what he's done to me and the children.

It was me who said about the friends with benefits thing. I thought as we were happy I could be okay with it and I was fine when he was chatting etc but it's the little things that have caught me by surprise. At the cinema last night he said they were holding hands. It's those small things that I miss. I want him to hold my hand Sad he said it wasn't going to work when I suggested it. He told me that he would feel guilty for knowing he was hurting me and that I deserve to be happy too but I pushed for it thinking if I could do it, it was better for the kids.

I have told a few people in rl but I feel bad offloading all my feelings on them. My parents would just worry I wasn't coping and hurting and my friends are quick to say leave him. It's all very easy for them to say that though whilst their happily married and don't realise what single parenthood involves. I feel I can't say anything else because of the stigma attached to it. It's not everyday you hear someone is splitting because their husband is gay.
It's such a mess.

OP posts:
rosemount · 06/10/2013 12:59

Actually, it's not all that unusual. Someone I work with has just ended a 25 year marriage for similar reasons. I think you are being extremely generous towards him but it's breaking your heart.

str8tothepoint · 06/10/2013 18:22

Why would you still be having sex with a gay man??? Why would you want to pretend your in a relationship?? He's gay, move on your letting him live his truthful life now you need to accept that and get yourself a new life. You may love him but he doesn't love you that way anymore and whatever you do it's not going to change him. Sorry, but women who find out their DP/DH are gay after discovering an affair do anything to cling onto them, maybe embarassment of the relationship possibly sham or because they are scared of the truth and being alone, when they just need to realise hey it's over, stay strong it's not your fault

rootypig · 06/10/2013 18:22

He's feeling guilty too about what he's done to me and the children.

OP I'm sure your husband is a lovely man. But he is not feeling guilty enough not to accept a relationship arrangement that works entirely for him.

Your kindness is wonderful, as PP have said. But please do think of yourself in this. Can you imagine a future that would make you happy?

Original poster
Stillcomingtoterms · 07/10/2013 15:34

Well I'm still not much better today. I go from crying and deciding I can't carry on seeing him text his Feb and hearing how wonderful he is to looking at my dc and thinking I have to keep trying

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 15:56

You don't have to keep trying. You've been kind and understanding but he's now taking the piss.

rootypig · 07/10/2013 17:46

OP what can you do to make this situation better for yourself? the first thing that occurs to me is that your partner should move out and give you some emotional breathing space? it is the very least he should have fucking offered

babybarrister · 07/10/2013 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bestsonever · 07/10/2013 22:54

Why on earth is he rubbing salt in your wounds by telling you the details of what he does with his new FB ? How the heck could you contemplate still having sex with him? If he still wants sex with you, he's not gay but bi. I'd guess if he was truly gay he would have realised this a lot sooner thn 2 years ago. He fancied you too an some point, he still wouldn't turn sex down with you. What he is is a person who is happy to be unfaithful. You don't have to cut him any slack for it just because he fancies men too. If he wanted to have an open relationship with other women would you have been as charitable? If the answer would be no to that, it should be no to this situation too.

Xollob · 08/10/2013 09:31

You don't have to keep trying for the children OP. The best thing you can do for your children is be happy, whatever form that takes. This is all really sad.

PenguindreamsofDraco · 08/10/2013 09:59

If you're a member of Yahoo, look for the support group English Wives. Everyone there has been in your situation, you will find bags and bags of support to help you find whatever path works for you both.

bequiasweet · 08/10/2013 16:53

Are you able to access The Times? Interesting piece entitled: The day my wife and I told our kids I was gay
www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/life/article3888056.ece

crocodileshavenoears · 13/10/2013 19:36

Hi OP, I found this thread when I was about to start one of my own saying basically the same thing (have name-changed too).

My DH told me three weeks ago now and I still feel both shocked and heart-broken Sad. Like you, I thought initially he could stay here and we could make it work with some sort of FWB agreement, but I'm now realising this won't work out. I'm still hoping we can be friends, but right now I just feel as though all my happy memories weren't real and that the future I was looking forward to is gone too.

Anyway, that's no help to you, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone in this awful situation Thanks.

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