Gay husband

[Stillcomingtoterms]

I've name changed as not to out myself.

This year I found out that dh of 10 yrs has decided he's gay/bisexual. He's been unhappy with us for the past two yrs and came to the conclusion it's because he's attracted to men. Im grateful that even though it's been difficult for him to come out he has never cheated on me and I believe him when he says until two yrs ago he never for one minute thought he was gay.

So... We still love each other, but for him it's "as a best friend " love. For me, I still love him and agreed that even though he is gay we could still continue to live together as we still have sex and a very good relationship.

Here's the part where it gets weird. We agreement that he could also find a male friend with benefits.
Well he went out today with said friend and when he came home I could see how happy he was. They only went for food but dh is obv smitten.

I think tonight I've had the realisation that our marriage is over. I don't want to be the one forcing dh to live a life he doesn't want. Neither do I want to be with someone who can't love me how I want. I'm so sad about it all. I feel sorry for my dc who will have to grow up with a gay dad. I'm sorry that my old age isn't going to be spent with my husband, that I can't tell anyone in rl whats going on in my marriage and that my life is never going to be the same.

I guess the only thing I can salvage from this is the hope we can still be friends.

OP he is being a bit of an arse towards you right now, whether you know it or not. To put it another way, if he'd told you he didn't love you any more and suddenly met another woman and told you how they'd held hands in the cinema etc, well you'd be gutted I'm sure, not to mention furious.

He was a little bit quick in finding another man and giving you the gory details straightaway. Where's his sensitivity apart from anything else? Who does something like that to someone they know still cares for them?

You need to think of yourself here and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. If he's gay he's gay, but let him own the fallout of that, it's not a situation of your making. Share it with some RL supportive people to start with....

Oh dear, what a pickle.

Is he 'having his cake and eating it too'?

Or do you (either separately or jointly) think a bi-flexible arrangement could actually work, given time? (It worked for Hugh Jackman)

(I suspect the former tbh).

He certainly should be a bit more sensitive with you than he has been, and I agree that he ought to move out until you come to terms with this in whatever way. You don't need to make him feel bad about his sexuality in order to do this, and you needn't stop loving him either.

He's rewriting the rules with no clear outcome in sight. That's not fair. Both of you are going to need space.

I know a wide community of people who's sexuality is very fluid, it's very complex some say it's not fem or masc that they are attracted to its the person they are attracted to. Just because you agreed to the fwb arrangement it doesn't mean he comes home and gushes about his evening out to you. The question I wonder is are all your emotional and physical needs going to be satisfied, I suspect not and would urge you to think of yourself and not keeping everyone happy at the expense of your happy ness. Pm me if you want a chat with someone who doesn't know you in real life, this isn't my usual forum name,I prefer not to discuss on a public forum.