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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this all ok

69 replies

Imdoingthis · 05/10/2013 18:29

I'm struggling with reality
My children don't want to see their dad they refused today aged 12 10 6 they tell me he shouts at them hits my ten year old around back of his head, there's so much, there's a contact order in place for fri tea time - sat tea time and midweek 1 1\2 hours
My dc won't go baby cries hes two hes had bruises in two occasions I took him GP on first time second time was in six weeks hols I called my hv she said take him GP refused to visit me,
I fear when they don't go because hes screwing I just want them to go so he don't kick off [ sad]
When I was in the relationship I wanted out was with him 16 years was very young.

OP posts:
Offred · 05/10/2013 22:18

Yes, you need to but look how far you have come from the thread bogeyface just posted.

TheGinLushMinion · 05/10/2013 23:22

They are your children & your job is to protect them, at any cost. Time to step up to that responsibility & tell this animal to fuck off, end of.

Original poster
Imdoingthis · 05/10/2013 23:50

Thanks bogeyface

OP posts:
Original poster
Imdoingthis · 05/10/2013 23:52

I'm so scared of him still will that change

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 06/10/2013 00:43

You are scared of what he might do.

Your children of terrified of what he will do, what he is already doing.

You are letting them down, allowing him to physically and emotionally hurt them every time you send to this monster.

That is fact.

I am sorry to be harsh but every time you force them to go you have hand in their abuse. If this abuse comes to light and SS find that you knew about it and did nothing then there is a very good chance you will lose them anyway, I suggest you think about that.

BuzzardBirdBloodBath · 06/10/2013 01:57

Contact women's aid again.

Offred · 06/10/2013 08:08

I found it changed when I stood up to my ex. The more I stood up to him, the more stuff i put in place to protect me from him and the more I talked things through with women's aid the less I was afraid of him.

Original poster
Imdoingthis · 06/10/2013 09:24

Thanks, it is so hard to stand up to him
SS where involved before court, but he was on best behaviour then

I'm going to call wa see what they can advise.

OP posts:
Offred · 06/10/2013 09:58

Yes, I know it is really hard.

The level of protection you can get I think does really depend on what you yourself are willing to fight/push for and that's why it is important to be strong and supported yourself. Him being on best behaviour wont matter as much if you can be assertive about his bad behaviour.

If you tell WA everything they will be better able to help you, probably not telling them has been because you are afraid of changing and losing your connection to him but it is important that you overcome that irrational feeling because it is good for you and the children to get away from him. People do understand, abusive men have a real hold over you. Don't be ashamed to admit to feeling still under his power but at the same time try to get a little bit of distance and perspective on that feeling.

You will feel out of control and like you are fighting yourself but it is him and the things he has implanted in your thinking and feelings to keep you with him that you are fighting, your real self is lost somewhere inside and by fighting these parts of him that he has replaced you with you will be able to get back to her.

Original poster
Imdoingthis · 06/10/2013 11:19

Yes that all makes sense, I still feel so loyal to him
After reading what you put above I realised my first thoughts when my dc said they wernt going was I felt sorry for him
I always try to please him
I'm realising iv put my dc sometimes in a place were they have no choice but to go

OP posts:
cjel · 06/10/2013 11:58

morning Imdoingthis, I'm glad that you are starting to think about what part you have in stopping this abuse - of you and your dcs- recognising there is a problem is the start of getting rid of that problem.
How you feeling today?

Offred · 06/10/2013 12:07

It is not abnormal to feel how you do but I think this is where making a choice to place your trust in an organisation like WA can really make the difference. He will be inside your head and very much influencing your behaviour.

If you can open up to WA about everything, including your feelings about still wanting to please him/not wanting to move on and trust them and follow their advice rather than your own feelings I think you can start moving on - very difficult though!

Being in an abusive relationship does result in brainwashing and conditioning and it often means you can't trust yourself to make the right decisions. Don't feel bad about this, this is his fault not yours.

You are recovering bit by bit and taking back control of your mind is the second step after leaving, then you can take back control of your life bit by bit. Does that make sense to you?

You're doing well.

Original poster
Imdoingthis · 06/10/2013 12:12

I feel like I need to take some of the responsibility I think iv brushed it off before, as well there's a contact order and that's it they must go.
I feel scared of his reaction, god knows how my dc feel.

I'm glad my dc have dug their heels in as its made me realise there is a problem, I feel sad that they have had to do that though,

I'm struggling, it's so hard I'm on my own with five young dc no family or friends help, I feel like I need to get better, I need time to get over what iv been through I never get that, I know that sounds incredibly selfish I just want to look after me, of course my dc come first and always will I'm fighting for them now, I need to 'listen ' to them more i struggle to talk to them about what's happenf.

OP posts:
Offred · 06/10/2013 12:16

I completely understand where you are coming from about never getting a break. I've got 4 little ones aged 3-8 and I get that you never get a break from dealing with the havoc of abuse on top of the stress of caring for them.

My local women's aid also provides support for children, comprehensive support for all problems like money, childcare etc and courses on emotional resilience. Being a brilliant parent is not about being amazing at doing everything on your own but about asking for and getting support for the things you need support for. Please don't think you need to struggle with all that on your own.

cjel · 06/10/2013 12:18

Bless you, you are not sounding selfish! I'd say thats another wrong thought that you don't deserve. Do you know the story of being in an airplane and if the oxygen masks come down you are to put it on yourself first. Its no good trying to put it on someone else because then you'd die and be of no help.
One of the best things you can do for your dcs is to take care of yourself so you can be the best mum for them that you can.
Get the help you need and you will be better able to help them not worse.

Original poster
Imdoingthis · 06/10/2013 12:20

X post offred

Yes it makes complete sense
I am going to try get my dc into bed and call WA tonight, I want help I need it.
My dd is 14 she likes with him she is a mirror of how I was/am she's says things good things about him even when the truth ( bad things) are staring us all in our face she totally under his spell like a puppet

OP posts:
Offred · 06/10/2013 12:33

I really feel for you. I hope you can be strong enough to share everything with WA but don't beat yourself up if it takes a few goes. Small steps to real freedom, each one is an achievement.

It is sad about your dd but hopefully leading by example and being there for her will help. She's young yet, plenty of time to realise. Take credit for your dc strength in refusing contact when there is abuse instead of feeling to blame for pushing them to go. You've made steps which have shown them abuse is not ok already, their clarity on it can rightly be attributed at least in part to you.

Original poster
Imdoingthis · 06/10/2013 13:21

I'm going to try
Do they pass anything onto SS

I had a WA worker she was from Marac but passed it all on shes closed now but said if I ever need her to call

OP posts:
perplexedpirate · 06/10/2013 13:23

Call the police. If a stranger assaulted your child in the street you would. This is no different.
I can't stress this enough: CALL THE POLICE.

Offred · 06/10/2013 14:10

Yes, call her if she was good and you trust her.

They are obliged to pass certain concerns onto SS. They should explain that to you before any sessions you have with them.

They haven't passed on things that I suspected my ex has done but don't know.

Jux · 06/10/2013 14:54

I remember you! I have thought of you often since then.

Call the police and tell them what's happened and what's happening. You don't need to be scared as you actually have all the power in your own hands. Your fear of him is habit. You can call for help any time no matter what he does or says.

Original poster
Imdoingthis · 06/10/2013 15:16

You posted on my thread jux

OP posts:
Original poster
Imdoingthis · 06/10/2013 18:16

I have found her number so will call her tommorow.
I trust her she understands me.

OP posts:
queenbitchapparently · 06/10/2013 18:54

You said there is a court order in place.
If you dont make the children available to him you are breaking the court order and can be held in contempt of court.
You need to do it the right way.
Contact ss and speak to them about your claims see what they suggest.