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Original poster

Paternity leave - am I expecting too much from dh?

42 replies

PinkApple86 · 05/10/2013 16:45

So today our baby is 4 days old. My Parents stayed for few days to help and went yday. Birth was straightforward v birth with minor tear so I'm uncomfy but feeling quite fortunate and up and about. First few nights tough as establishing BF and learning everything (first baby). Dh is in love with our baby boy and giving him lots of cuddles but not being very proactive with the helping me out bit. He's a traditional type, European and basically women look after the house and I knew this when we got married. He went to bed at midnight last night and refused to wake up until midday today. He did get up about 4 to help me change a nappy but I had been up feeding since 2ish, slept a few mins, then up roughly every 2 hours to feed. Asked him to bring me a coffee, refused. He held the baby for a hour so I could shower etc and has now been playing gta5 for 4 hours with the baby asleep next to him. Asked him to turn it down so I could nap. Refused as I fell asleep earlier with it at that volume so he will not turn it down. We'll maybe it's because I was up all night and my fanjo hurts! Now I'm upstairs crying. He did say to me he wishes he could feed the baby. is he feeling left out? am I hitting the teary stage now the euphoria of birth has worn off? Or is he being a childish %*#?! Sorry it's long I have nobody to talk to as none of my friends have babies

OP posts:

kilmuir · 05/10/2013 16:48

Left out? He is being a lazy sod and you are a doormat?
Wouldn't make you a coffee. ?. ? No way, he would be left to feed himself and wash his own lothes etc

dinkystinky · 05/10/2013 16:48

Tell him being an idiot, grow up and support you in practical ways if he can't give you emotional support!

kilmuir · 05/10/2013 16:49

Sorry not very helpful post by me.
He is being childish. Tell him you expect him to help, and that making you a coffee should not be a big ask.

antimatter · 05/10/2013 16:51

which country in Europe excuses their fathers from any help with family?
who brainwashed you into that

is HIM who is lazy and taking advantage of you and stop using his birthplace as an excuse for his behaviour

NancyOsbourne · 05/10/2013 16:53

Firstly congratulations!!

Um no he is being lazy, selfish and vile tbh. Not every one is lucky to have a really helpful DP but some basic support is essential. I think you should tell him how you feel.

Did he behave like this when your parents were staying?

TheFabulousIdiot · 05/10/2013 16:55

He refused to make you a coffee and refused to let you sleep?
He sounds awful.
Bet you if you were bottle feeding he wouldn't be helping you with that either.

I'd cut the plug off the play station.

HazleNutt · 05/10/2013 16:55

You have just had a baby, he should be bending over backwards to fulfill your every wish before you even express them. He refused to bring you coffee and won't let you sleep? I'm european, DH is european (different countries) and sorry, being a lazy selfish cunt is not traditional in either culture.

tribpot · 05/10/2013 16:57

I think you need a very honest conversation with him.

Whatever the usual set up may or may not be in his home country (and 'he is European' is a frankly extraordinary excuse for this behaviour, he's not from Afghanistan), you are on your own with a new baby. That means the order of priority in the house goes:

baby
you
him

Maybe he would like to be able to help out with the feeding, but he can't. He can, however, do everything else. And he'd damn well better start.

In the folksy traditional set-up you've been sold, the new mum would have family all around to help out and make sure everything got done. Your family have done their bit now, and it's just you and him. Emphasis on and him.

He needs to pull his weight. Then he won't feel left out, will he?

Bogeyface · 05/10/2013 17:00

Paternity leave is in order for him to help you take care of the baby, not sit on his arse all day and get lie ins.

I think you should point that out to him, just before you tell him that you expect your dinner at 6 pm and it is your turn for a lie in tomorrow and every day after that until he goes back to work.

What a tosser!

Nip this bullshit in the bud NOW or you are in for a world of hurt for the rest of your married life.

MadameLeMean · 05/10/2013 17:01

4 hours of play station and refused to turn it down so you could sleep? He sounds immature.

Yy to cut the plug off!

You have a child now, he should take half the responsibility

eurochick · 05/10/2013 17:02

He's not being "European", he is being a tosser. Tell him to get off his lazy arse and man the fuck up!

Cataline · 05/10/2013 17:05

What Eurochick said!

petalsandstars · 05/10/2013 17:06

Um no he's a twat.

Perspective. ...

When my first child was born my DH did all the cleaning and cooking (except when my mum brought dinner round) brought me drinks and snacks when I was feeding whether on the sofa or in bed. Changed nappies and winded when prompted. Held crying baby so I could shower.

Don't give up on breastfeeding as he says he feels left out. Chances are he would do a couple of bottles then leave it up to you again so you'd have more hassle of sterilising etc and cost of formula then too.

Parenting does not involve hours of playing computer games, if that was in my house he'd be told to piss off back to work if all he was doing was as described in your op. If he's not going to do anything useful then what's the point of him being home?

HenriettaPye · 05/10/2013 17:07

Pinkapple, he's being a total knob!! Don't let him walk all over you like this. He should be bending over backwards to help you, by doing the housework, nappy changing, cooking and whatever else needs done. All you should have to worry about is cuddling and feeding your precious little bundle.

K8Middleton · 05/10/2013 17:09

Ah is he from that well known European country Beinamassivtwat?

He is being a rude, disrespectful, lazy excuse for a man. How dare he behave like a spoilt, surly teenager to you when you have just carried and birthed his child!

I would try to calmly explain that if he doesn't shape up immediately and start pulling his weight you will be going to your parents and taking your son and you may not come back.

Yes, day 4 is tough and you may feel extra tearful any way but you also have good cause for feeling upset.

Matildathecat · 05/10/2013 17:14

Is the midwife coming in? If so have a word and she will say something along the lines of new mum needs lots of help.

I am a midwife and my guidance to pregnant women is to stay more or less bedroom bound for the first week. Not necessarily in pjs or in bed but basically very gentle pottering and only two jobs: baby and yourself. No housework at all. Honestly, you will feel the benefit in the long run. Also when you have another you don't get this one to one time so make the most of it. Decline most visitors.

Day four is the day of weeping and feeling overwhelmed. It happens to almost everyone and coincides with engorged breasts and sore nipples. So sob loudly, have a relaxing bath and go back to bed. Kick him into touch and remind him that you did actually produce this gorgeous baby...sounds like reality hasn't kicked in with him if you've had help until now.

Congratulations and good luck with giving him a good kick up the arse!

Charlottehere · 05/10/2013 17:14

After dc4 was born, I did nothing and I mean nothing while dh was on paternity for 3 weeks...except feed ds. Toss pot

BasilBabyEater · 05/10/2013 17:16

Congratulations.

His behaviour is beyond disgusting actually, it's verging on the abusive. A new mother with a first baby and he's not pulling his weight? Beyond disgusting. You aren't expecting too much of him, he's expecting too little of himself.

Tell him that if he's not prepared to be a father, he needs to pay for a doula for you, because all English women have them if their husbands are too busy to do their fair share of parenting.

Original poster

PinkApple86 · 05/10/2013 17:45

Wow I wasn't expecting all of these responses! I know I'm being a doormat I just find it easier than having an argument. Like the idea of threatening to go to my parents but they live 3 hours away so not really an option but I could threaten to invite my mum for a month instead. I need to have a serious word with him. I've realised I'm not being unreasonable. Wish me luck.

OP posts:

Cataline · 05/10/2013 17:50

Good luck!! You're better off having this tough conversation at this early stage rather than letting him think what he's doing is ok. You should be making gorgeous memories with your new baby ( and tbf, your DH!) and he's acting like a right twat. Good for you for standing up to it! Oh, and congratulations on your first little one!

tribpot · 05/10/2013 17:51

Quite how you can find putting up with this shit easier than having an argument I cannot imagine. Anyone who wilfully interrupts the sleep of a woman who gave birth four days previously is taking the piss.

VoiceofRaisin · 05/10/2013 17:57

aw, poor you. Yes, he is being a selfish idiot. I don't suppose he means to be - he probably has little realisation - but you honestly DO need to sort this out sooner rather than later. Perhaps show him this thread?

He should be running round after you and the baby. He should be supporting you to his utmost - the physical demands on your body now and over the last few days have been immense. You need your strength and what you have just done for him (carrying, delivering and now nurturing his baby) is the most amazing thing but it will be tough with a second baby in the house...

GrendelsMum · 05/10/2013 18:06

GTA must die. Attack it with scissors in a post natal rage so that he can get on with doing HIS JOB of looking after his new baby.

UpTheFRIGGinDuff · 05/10/2013 18:09

What a massive twat.

When DP's on paternity leave he uses the time to support me and the new baby,he cooks,cleans,settles the baby to sleep when it's not BFing,lets me nap,changes nappies,cleans up sick,does the washing,looks after the other DC.

Not some of the time, all of the time.
He does 99% of everything for 2 weeks and lets me rest and recover from childbirth.

I BF, I cuddle (new baby and other DC!) I nap,I go for little walks.

The rest of the time we spilt things equally.

If this is how your DP is behaving now,he's clearly planning on doing absolutely fuck all the rest of the time.

If I was you,I'd be showing him this thread.

LunaticFringe · 05/10/2013 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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