The nightmares won't stop

[dreamsdreamsgoaway]

I ended a relationship a good while ago. For the last 2 years of it (which were off an on) he did a lot of stuff to me, including rape (not aggressive or violent, but just wouldn't take no for an answer) grabbing my arms when frustrated, pinning me down, biting me (which was so painful) and coming inside me when I made him promise not to (contraception not working). I eventually ended it for another reason, and I'm not sure I've ever really come to terms with the above stuff, despite counselling. Part of me still thinks a lot of it was not that bad/my own fault.

Recently I have had recurrent nightmares about all these things. In the dreams I am struggling and trying to scream but no sound comes. When I wake up I'm exhausted, and I've found random bruises and scratches on myself, so I think I've been flinging myself around during sleep. Often, I have dreams that I'm pregnant and don't want to be. The acts themselves are mostly not committed by him in the dream, but other men I know, which is quite distressing. My quality of sleep is shot to shit and the dreams make me feel uneasy for hours after I wake up.

I am feeling low now because it feels like even though I ended the relationship, the consequences of it will never go away. I am in a new relationship with a lovely man and sometimes when we are having sex I have what I think may be flashbacks - remembering something that he did. So it is buggering up my sex life as well. I can't tell him about it.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can stop these nightmares? Is there some sort of medication, perhaps? Thanks.

If minimizing was working for you, you would not have had the dreams about pregnancy. Clearly on some level you were really worried by him not using contraception when you wanted him to. Even though you didn't actually fall pregnant, and even if the sex itself did not seem violent to you at the time, it is not surprising that on a deeper level it seems a big thing because he took so much control away from you in making you risk pregnancy.

OK, good points.

But I'm scared now. How long is this going to take? How many sessions will I have to have and what will I have to say? I don't think I could actually explain the contraception thing in real life, I mean I couldn't say the words 'he came in me' to a stranger.

How long is a poece of string? Sweetheart, you were abused, controlled, demeaned, sexually abused, etc., for ages, by someone with power over you. These are not minor or trivial things. You are dealing with trauma done to your psyche and emotions. It's not like a physical illness where you can be given some pills or a date for an operation and then it'll all be better. Some people need a few months of therapy for their issues, some people are in therapy for life (although that's a teeny tiny minority, don't worry).

But one things for sure, things will not go away by ignoring them. In fact, if you keep on blocking and minimising, you could well find your life and mental health deteriorating further, as your mind struggles to keep it all at bay for longer and longer.

If you cannot say 'he came in me' to a atranger, then that alone hints that your experiences have really deeply affected you. I would also politely siggest that if you can't even do this, then you are not in a place in your life where you should be in a sexual relationship full stop, even if it is lovely. You are already having flashbacks when having sex; this means that the nice sex you are having is re-re-reigniting the trauma done to you. It's also not nice for your partner to be having sex with a woman whose enjoyment might suddenly turn to distress, although my concern is for you.

This is not going to go away, it needs to be worked through. You can't put a time limit on how much help you will need, and none of us can tell you what to say or what you sill have to say. Therapy is about you. You decide what to say or not, and it has a flow of its own.

It's more out of prudishness that I can't say it, Oxford.

Shit, am I broken?

Do the Rape Crisis people do this kind of therapy? I have looked at this link and it has already scared the shit out of me. I can't afford to get depressed and crack up right now. I'm not saying I won't do it though.

You'll be amazed at what you can say once you start talking dreams and you've already started here. The more you feel ashamed to say things the more he still has control and the shame is not yours, it's his. I try and say things that an ex said to me in bed and it's really hard, extremely embarrassing, but the disgust and concern people show when I say them is validating. It may make you blush and you may have to work round some things but a trained therapist will have heard it all before.

You aren't broken.

A good counsellor is not going to make you say anything you don't want to. It would be completly up to you. I thought I would never be able to voice some of the things that happened that I found the most upsetting. In fact I started by telling my therapist exactly this. She said that was not an issue at all, everything can be at your pace. Plus it's not like you would be expected to say all of that at the outset, you would get to know them first. In fact I have more recently managed to talk about the more difficult stuff, and actually I have found it far easier than I could ever have imagined. The person I am seeing is through RC, and whilst I am sure there is lots of variation across their counsellors, I have found that she actually understands so much of the mindset of someone who has been sexually abused which makes it so much easier to just say what you feel rather than try to make out all the time that it was no big deal. I have some of the same pregnancy related issues as you, and RC have been brilliant at understanding the dynamic and how controlling I personally found that.

I don't know about how long it will take. I was very concerned about that at the outset too. It is indeed a piece of string.

I find it really hard to read your posts because I feel I know exactly where you are at the moment - I was once there myself.

You are in no way to blame for what happened. Facing this and dealing with it seems immensely scary now but it won't break you. It might help to think of the memories as being like a cancer. Your symptoms show there's somethimg wrong. You can ignore it and let it grow and grow and possibly overwhelm you or you can listen to the symptoms and get the help you need. Like chemo, the treatment can be hard, you might feel a lot worse before you feel better but in the end you'll be free and healthy and will be able to start afresh without carrying that cancer around with you anymore.

Btw if it feels easier you can write down what happened and give it to the counsellor. There are parts of what happened to me that I have never said out loud.

Counselling simply cannot be any worse than what you've lived through and how you are suffering now. You are showing signs of being dissociated from your experience and this will not get better, and is v serious. By this, I mean stuff like you saying 'he was never really violent', and that it wasn't 'real' abuse, yet you describe him dragging you across your flat, biting your breast, raping you and also forcibly ejaculating inside you against your will. If those examples alone aren't violent, real abuse, then I don't know what is.

People don't get a choice about when and if they get depressed and 'crack up'. But there is one sure-fire route to 'cracking up' and that is refusing to deal with problems like yours. You are scared of this happening, yet by minimising and denying and not wanting to confront it, you are virtually guaranteeing it happening. Sorry, but that's the truth. You cannot outrun this, you cannot ignore or avoid it. It is so sad that you were pit through that abuse, but you were, and if you do not deal with it, it will blight your whole life, and leave you in danger of falling prey to future abusers. Just because your current partner is nice now doesn't mean that you will be with him forever, or never be vulnerable to abusers. Not dealing with your past leaves you very vulnerable indeed.

Although this might seem harsh, I would say that if you can't say those words out of prudishness, then that's an equally valid reason to not be sexually active. Unless you can make sexual things real by vocalising them, you cannot own your own sexual experiences, good or bad, and sexual stuff will remain things that happen to you,not that you fully participate in.

My love, we know how terrifying this is for you, but once you've taken the first step to opening up and talking about what has been done to you, you'll see that it's ok, that people will listen and hear you.

You're worth doing this for, allow others in to support you in processing all this.

Does anyone know, if I go to the doctor about this, will it get put on my medical file? I don't want there to be any record of this because I know that work checks my medical record.

The main fear of mine now is that I just don't want anyone to find out about this.

Why do you fear that?

Lots of reasons. Thinking mainly about my boyfriend here - he would be upset, he might not know how to deal with it (he has had a very happy life with nothing going wrong), it might put horrible images in his head - I don't want him to think about me with another man, in any way but especially not that. He might think I'm 'damaged'. He just wouldn't understand and it would trouble him. I just don't want him to look at me and think about that kind of stuff.

I have been told that RC will not inform my GP unless there is a sudden major concern about my mental health.

But I think it would be very hard for you not to confide in your boyfriend. And surely he will want to help and support you.

I understand that feeling. I've told my dh the basics of what happened to me but not the detail. I think you eventually do need to tell him even if it's the bare minimum. But if you're not ready for that it's fine.

Fwiw when I told friends about it and they reacted strongly either with anger (at the perpetrator) or genuine sadness I found it incredibly healing. One friend cried and that actually helped me a huge amount I think by helping me to reconnect withy own feelings.@