The nightmares won't stop

[dreamsdreamsgoaway]

I ended a relationship a good while ago. For the last 2 years of it (which were off an on) he did a lot of stuff to me, including rape (not aggressive or violent, but just wouldn't take no for an answer) grabbing my arms when frustrated, pinning me down, biting me (which was so painful) and coming inside me when I made him promise not to (contraception not working). I eventually ended it for another reason, and I'm not sure I've ever really come to terms with the above stuff, despite counselling. Part of me still thinks a lot of it was not that bad/my own fault.

Recently I have had recurrent nightmares about all these things. In the dreams I am struggling and trying to scream but no sound comes. When I wake up I'm exhausted, and I've found random bruises and scratches on myself, so I think I've been flinging myself around during sleep. Often, I have dreams that I'm pregnant and don't want to be. The acts themselves are mostly not committed by him in the dream, but other men I know, which is quite distressing. My quality of sleep is shot to shit and the dreams make me feel uneasy for hours after I wake up.

I am feeling low now because it feels like even though I ended the relationship, the consequences of it will never go away. I am in a new relationship with a lovely man and sometimes when we are having sex I have what I think may be flashbacks - remembering something that he did. So it is buggering up my sex life as well. I can't tell him about it.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can stop these nightmares? Is there some sort of medication, perhaps? Thanks.

It is a big thing to have control over contraception taken away from you like that, I am not surprised you have had the nightmares about pregnancy.

RC will be able to help you, whether you see it as rape or not.

He wasn't one of my lecturers, but he did lecture. He absolutely knew how to push my buttons. I must be very easy to read because by the end he always knew what I was thinking and feeling - I could never hide it however much I tried. He could tell if I was lying in a text message.

OP please don't think anyone reading your story would think that it 'wasn't that bad'. It sounds truly, truly awful. And the fact he was married was not a justification for what you went through.

I know it's daunting but I think you need to tell your friends. It will be less terrifying if other people know about it; the secret-keeping itself is harmful. I think you could tell your new guy that you have been through a trauma in the past and the new relationship is giving you flashbacks - you don't have to say more if you don't want to, but he should know something is up.

Truly, I could never tell. I managed to break it off for about a month when I started at a new university, but he kept coming to see me and eventually it trickled back on. I never told any of my friends from the new university about him because I wanted a new start. Then when it started up again, I couldn't tell them. A couple of months later the rape happened. Some of them are now good friends and I have kept this big secret from them. I don't want to tell my boyfriend. I don't want him to think of me as someone that something so...you know... has happened to.

They're not exactly flashbacks - internet says flashbacks are when you actually experience something again. This is like I remember it and get a punch of anxiety/misery.

I didn't think I was having flash backs either, because I was getting overwhelmed by feelings but not actually seeing anything visual in my mind's eye (which is what I thought flash backs were). But I have been informed that being hit by the feelings that you had before counts as flash backs too. Hope it goes ok contacting RC.

Perhaps you're right Mat. I'm remembering a lot of things now that I had forgotten. I remember now that I got into a sort of flirtatious thing with another guy when I had been seeing ex a few months. Nothing happened but he got very angry and dragged me across my flat to a mirror. I can't remember what the significance of the mirror was now - I think I was supposed to agree with him that I was beautiful and didn't need other men. Or something. I didn't question it at the time because I thought he had a right to be angry. He brought it up a year or so later and made me cry in a restaurant.

And yet I don't hate him why is that?

Two words: Stockholm Syndrome.

You were the victim of a sustained period of abuse from this man. The rape was only one aspect of that (although I do not diminish its significance). You really, really need to get some professional help to make sense of all this, particularly to prevent it from happening again. Either with this guy or someone else - you may be aware from these boards, victims of a abuse often subconsciously pick another abuser and then rationalise it as 'not as bad as last time'. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with your new guy but you - and he - deserve to a chance to avoid this past trauma blighting the present.

I suffered nowhere near what you went through, but after he was gone, I had terrible dreams, things far worse than anything he ever did.

I totally changed my room around, moved the bed, got new linen and it stopped.

I'd say you may need more support than this though, so RC is a good start, WA too.

Did you get any counselling at the time? Did you do the freedom programme?

All of this will help, you will have to chuck everything you have at it, but you will win,

Keep talking, keep posting, we're here for you too! Xx

I have had counselling from two different counsellors, which was helpful in some ways but not completely.

It's his birthday soon and I have been thinking that I should text him on his birthday (he still texts me sometimes) otherwise he will feel sad.

He wasn't ever really violent. All the stuff I have mentioned really didn't seem so bad at the time. I didn't feel traumatised. I would feel such a fake doing something like the Freedom Programme. I feel like that's for women who have suffered 'proper' abuse.

My new boyfriend is completely different. He's not into game-playing at all, very considerate and straightforward. I think it's comparing this new, normal relationship to what happened before that is shaking me up, actually.

You would not be a fake, it was 'proper' abuse. You say he wasn't violent but you have described violent incidents. Maybe you didn't feel traumatised at the time because you shut your feelings off to try to cope. Now that you feel so much safer it is affecting you.

Trust me love, that was proper abuse.

And stuff him on his birthday! You need to put as much distance between you and him as possible!

There is distance, definitely. I have a wonderful man now and am 100% loyal to him, wouldn't jeopardise it for anything.

But after years of hearing how much ex loved me, how lonely he was etc. (maybe it was bullshit) I still feel guilty that I 'abandoned' him.

Well, it's possible it wasn't that traumatic. Or it's possible you have repressed the memories and feelings for so long that your brain is having to force you to face them in dreams because you can't do it awake.

In addition you need to consider what 100% loyalty to your new partner looks like. It does not include texting your abuser/ex on his birthday to wish him well. I would imagine his wife would probably prefer it if you absented yourself as well!

Focus on your future and getting the help you need to recover from the past. Don't go back to it.

You are right of course, tribpot. I have to keep reminding myself that my feelings for him were to some point artificially created by his manipulation.

I would not object to my boyfriend sending a happy birthday message to any of his exes, but nonetheless I won't do it.

The worst thing was actually the biting. He bit my breast, it was just so painful - I cried, and he would never apologise. It made me feel horrible for days.

Completely agree with Cogito. This definitely sounds like PTSD. It's basically the brain's way of trying to process traumatic information to allow you to put it to bed. I used to train people in supporting victims of both domestic and sexual violence and PTSD is a common reaction in both. I would definitely advise you to get some specialist therapy or something like EMDR. You have experienced some hugely traumatic experiences and although you may you have rationalised them ( as a coping mechanism ), your subconscious is talking to you. Listen to it! Please get the help you need to process this and not let it affect your new healthy relationship.

OK... I thought I couldn't have PTSD but maybe I'm wrong.

A few months ago I had a really horrible episode. It was like a panic attack (which I've had before) but different and much worse. It went in peaks and troughs for hours and hours, starting at 4am and going on all day. I just felt utterly horrendous, like I was barely holding myself together. I felt dizzy and faint and sick. It wouldn't stop. I could hardly hold a conversation the whole time. Do you think that could have been something to do with it?

Also, just wondering what how I can sort out counselling/RC stuff practically. I work full time, not usually finished before 7pm. Do counsellors ever work evenings/weekends?

Much of what you say is recognisable to me, including the very confused feelings you have about what happened/ how to behave now regarding this man. He sounds highly manipulative.
I felt ringing RC would be a disgraceful thing for me to do, since I hadn't been attacked by a dangerous stranger in an alleyway and screamed no- to my shame I thought this was 'real rape'. I couldn't have been more wrong and they were absolutely brilliant and didn't feel I was a timewaster at all.
I am sure you can find someone who will do evening or weekend slots- try RC first as they have many local centres.

My local RC does offer evening counselling, so I would assume others will too.

Also in terms of 'real' rape ( hate that term), the majority of rapes and sexual assaults are carried out by partners. However they are rarely reported/prosecuted so we don't get to hear about them and have a skewed perception as to what constitutes rape.

OP panic attacks are another symptom of PTSD so yes I think that is what you are experiencing. For many people they only suffer the effects months after the event as that is when it's safe for the body to do so. Repeated, sustained abuse over a period of time can be as damaging as a one off event. Rape crisis or Victim Support would be good organisations for you to contact to see what support is available in your area ( it does vary)

I hate the terms 'real rape', 'grey rape' and 'date rape' with a vengeance. Rape is rape. OP you suffered a trauma, PTSD sounds highly likely.

Sorry, Op, but you are massively minimising what happened to you. You describe very serious abuse and very serious rape and sexual abuse. Biting is considered a very extreme and shocking thing even to hardened professionals. Trying to get someone pregnant against their will (ie the coming inside you thing) is considered a crime against humanity when done in times of war, so it really can't be seen as something trivial on an individual basis. And you can have PTSD for all sorts of reasons, it doesn't have to be something 'huge', like war. A lot of experts think many abuse victims have some sort of PTSD as a result of what's done to them, which is why they manage to deny and minimise and dissociate, etc.

You are having flashbacks, horrible dreams and the like because you went through very serious abuse and clearly have not dealt with it sufficiently, despite having some counselling, because your mind and body are forcing you to deal with it, in these ways. For someone who has gone through what you have been through, therapy would be better, as counselling is more 'lightweight', for want of a better word.

What you have described is very shocking and upsetting. I know it is easier to minimise it, but you won't heal if you keep on denying to yourself. And you did not bring it on yourself for being with a married man, that's ridiculous. The only person responsible for the abuse is him, end of story. From the sounds of it, he preys on young women, and I bet you weren't the first and won't be the last.

Just to clarify, with the contraception thing, it was probably actually fine for me to have sex, not really a risk of pregnancy. But I had only had the coil fitted a couple of days before, and I think I was more worried about it getting infected than anything. I don't think he wanted to get me pregnant, would have made life quite complicated for him!

Is it really so bad to minimise? Perhaps sometimes it's better to just try and forget things rather than dredging things up and perhaps turning them into more of a big deal than they actually were?

Perhaps sometimes it's better to just try and forget things rather than dredging things up and perhaps turning them into more of a big deal than they actually were?

You've come full circle now dreams - your subconscious via your bad dreams is telling you otherwise isn't it? If it wasn't actually a big deal, or if you had dealt with the traumatic things than happened, then your subconscious would be doing what it is doing now with dreams/panic attacks/flash backs etc.

Suppressing memories and not overanalysing bad experiences is actually a legitimate method of dealing with painful events that works for a lot of people. However, if you've tried to forget things and it's not working to the extend of getting disturbing dreams and wanting to send abusive men birthday wishes, logic suggests trying something else