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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Paranoid & insecure or justified?

106 replies

FlappyBrain · 03/10/2013 20:04

Have NC for this.
DP & I have been together for 2 years. Been through some ups & downs but generally happy. Is the best relationship I've ever had in terms of fun, companionship & feeling loved. We have made long term plans, seriously talked marriage etc.
DP got a new job in another town approx 100 miles away last month & is living there during the week, coming home at weekends. My house sale is going through at the moment & am planning on moving up to live with DP with my DC in the next month or so.

The only problems we have had have related to DP's struggles with communication & his sulking, giving me the cold shoulder. Since he's started his new job we've had a few episodes of him sulking/withdrawing which he's blamed on being stressed over the new job.

This week he's been particularly distant although we found a house to move into & put a deposit down & he seems genuinely excited about this.
Yesterday I waited all day for him to get in touch & nothing. I text him to say I wasn't feeling good (had surgery last week). He replied 'oh dear' and thing else. After several hours I text him again asking if everything was ok, saying I felt he'd been disconnecting from me last few weeks which was making me nervous about the move. He read it (on iMessage so get read receipts) but no reply for 2 hours. I rang him, no reply. Eventually got a vile text message from him about 11pm saying he'd had a shit day at work & couldn't cope with the extra pressure I was putting on him. I replied apologising that it had come across as pressure & reminded him my life is pretty stressful too right now so it'd be nice if we could support each other, no reply.

Fast forward to today, I text him about an hour ago asking if we were chatting today. No response. According to iMessage it's been delivered but not read.

I should say, when things are good, we're in more or less constant contact so these silences are very very out of character.

I don't know what to do now. Leave him be? Ring him? I genuinely don't think I'm being demanding but maybe I am wrong. Prepared to listen to anyone who thinks I'm being high maintenance.

I know I won't sleep tonight if I don't hear from him & recovering from surgery I really could do with a good nights sleep tonight.

Apologies for the MASSIVE post.

OP posts:
wordyBird · 03/10/2013 20:19

No, you're not being high maintenance.

There are a number of things that don't look good: but to be dismissive and even angry when someone you love is feeling ill - after surgery! - this is a terrible reaction. Don't bother me with your needs, I'm stressed enough as it is was the message there. And that is a red flag.

CailinDana · 03/10/2013 20:20

He's a shit. Please don't move in with him.

ivegotaniphone · 03/10/2013 20:23

There is never a good reason for a grown man to sulk. And if he does it now imagine how much sulking potential there is when you move there with him.

Original poster
FlappyBrain · 03/10/2013 20:30

Oh god, I was dreading getting those responses. I really do love him & have been attributing these 'sulks' to a rough patch caused by him being stressed about work.
I know this is not a reason to not walk away but I will have nowhere to live without him. We are borrowing money from his mum to pay deposit on new house. I have no money whatsoever. Nothing. There is no way at all I can find a house for me & my kids in a month with no money to my name.
I feel like puking Hmm

OP posts:
YOUCANBEMYFRIENDIFYOUBUYMECAKE · 03/10/2013 20:40

hi,
Sorry to hear of your recent surgery, if I was in your position I would focus on myself and child/ren.
It's good that your house sale has gone through, have you any family or close friends that could help you with shopping or cleaning or even just preparing for your move whilst your dh is away and you are recovering?
try not to feel insecure, he has just got a new job, and in the times we are in he will want to do the best he can for you as possible, I am not excusing his behaviour, but hopefully you can see it from a different angle.
enjoy the time he is away, eat lots of chocolate, watch whatever you like watching on tv, run a bath and light some candles, and most of all please sleep its important that you help your body recover and rest is a good place to start.
I hope some of the regulars can come along soon and give you some better advice re your DH - I didn't want to read and run though.
Take care. x

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 03/10/2013 20:40

Fucking mind games. If he career but was suffering with the stress he would either seek sorry from you or at least reassure you that he loves you, all is fine but he's just being too get his head down to get on with work. As it is, he's just thinking about his needs and not bothered that you're really worrying when you need to rest. He's being a prick.
However I think it won't help to contact him tonight because it'll just push him further away right now. If you possibly can, wait for him to contact you and then be honest about how he has made you feel. Asking someone to reassure you that all is well if you need to is not 'putting pressure' on them.

akaWisey · 03/10/2013 20:41

How far down the line is your house sale? Can you slow it down a bit while you explore other options for you without this shit ?

Original poster
FlappyBrain · 03/10/2013 20:43

akaWisey, not possible to do that sadly. House is ex marital home & until it's sold exH is unable to pay me maintenance or survive himself. I'm looking at exchanging contracts next week or week after so a bit too late to back out.

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 03/10/2013 20:48

He has just started a new job and is pretty stressed by the sound of it - maybe he just doesn't have the headspace for texting during the day? I know that when i was working, the last thing i could deal with was texts from DP. Don't get me wrong, i liked getting them but wouldn't have time to look at them or answer them. Especially at the begining of a job, wanting to make a good impression etc.

Is he communicating in the evenings?

Cannot believe people are suggesting you LTB

Leavenheath · 03/10/2013 20:49

This has 'he's met someone else at the new job' written all over it I'm afraid.

If you don't move to this new town OP, what are your options?

In any case, wouldn't this have been a long way away from the children's father?

Diagonally · 03/10/2013 20:51

Are you not getting equity out of the sale of the fmh?

Can't you borrow rent deposit against this and get something lined up ready for completion?

Sorry if I've misunderstood situation but I seriously would not move to be with this man.

queeniefry · 03/10/2013 20:53

House move and career change are supposed to be the most stressful experiences in life.
BUT! His behaviour is totally unacceptable!

Original poster
FlappyBrain · 03/10/2013 20:54

LEM, I totally get he can't text me during the day. Totally understand that, but evening contact has been sporadic. Sometimes lots of contact, other evenings very little. Over last 2 weeks very very little.
If I don't live with him, will have to stay local but, as I said earlier, I have no money for a deposit & would have to claim HB making it incredibly unlikely I will find anything at all.
My DC's dad lived halfway between where we are now & where we'd be living so that's not an issue.
DP did cheat on his exW with a woman from work so that is always in the back of my mind. I totally believed we were better than that though. I'm clearly a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlappyBrain · 03/10/2013 20:56

Diagonally, I have nobody to borrow from. Really nobody.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 03/10/2013 20:59

You as a couple probably were better than that. But a relationship as an entity can't prevent one of the protagonists cheating, can it? Especially if it's happened before and he didn't learn from it.

That was a fairly hefty red flag. How did he explain why he cheated on his wife?

Can you spend a few hours tomorrow finding out what your options are re housing?

Original poster
FlappyBrain · 03/10/2013 21:05

I think I will have to Leaven. No choice really.
He'd been with exW 18 years & says he just stopped fancying her. Didn't stop him marrying her & conceiving a child whilst having an affair. Eventually left exW for the OW when his daughter was 6 months old.
Yes I know.....once a bastard, always a bastard, eh?

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 03/10/2013 21:08

Everyone gets stressed about work sometimes, but most adults don't sulk about it & take it out on their partner.

Original poster
FlappyBrain · 03/10/2013 21:35

I could handle the occasional sulk.
This feels way beyond that though. I am swinging wildly between thinking I'm being a drama queen & thinking I may never hear from him again.

OP posts:
Diagonally · 03/10/2013 21:43

You can't move in with someone who you have doubts about (with good reason, it seems) just because you have nowhere else to live.

I would get on to CAB / local housing tomorrow and see what your options are.

Twinklestein · 03/10/2013 21:46

Sure, it sounds like he's having second thoughts. I think he might be behaving intentionally badly so you dump him.

Either he has met someone else as others have suggested, or he suddenly likes being footloose & fancy free.

Better to find out now than once you've moved in with him.

wordyBird · 03/10/2013 21:47

Disliking someone's aggressive, dismissive behaviour is not being a drama queen. Being in constant contact and then left with no response, and no real explanation, is also unsettling.

You have a large life change ahead. So this is a good time to look your concerns full in the face.

Madeleine10 · 03/10/2013 21:56

This really isn't on, Flappy. You say the comunication has been getting less and less in the last two weeks? Have you talked to him when he has come home about this?

Could he be getting wobbly about the reality (and permanence) of you two buying a place together, your house nearly sold etc? All the plans you made becoming real, not just future dreams?

A bad communicator and a sulker is likely to withdraw, rather than open up and discuss things, to them it's the only option. Emotionally completely immature. It sounds like he simply runs away from problems or hard times, eternally hoping someone/something else will be the ticket to the perfect life they constantly seek.

Wife not "fanciable" enough - easy, find someone fanciable, and when she has a young baby with all the tiredness and attention that involves, dump her and move on. Very, very worrying in a grown man.

So sorry this is happening, the uncertainty and confusion are the worst bits - the truth might be horrible but at least you'd know it. You do have a warning though - both through what is going on between you now, and via his past history - of how this man deals with difficulties in his life. You are in for a bumpy ride in future if he doesn't change.

I hope you can get some sense out of him when you see him at least.

KellyHopter · 03/10/2013 22:00

When you say 'we are borrowing' from his mum for a deposit, do you mean that you have taken a joint tenancy? Or that it's in his name and the plan is that you move in with him?

The way I'd look at it is this - you feel you're in an impossible situation right now re housing, but if you move in with him and it all goes pear shaped then you'll be in the same situation. The only difference is (as is all too common a theme on here) you'll have the option of clinging onto a toxic relationship by your fingernails because the thought of leaving with nothing is too daunting.

You have options right now that don't include or rely on him. They may not be great options and they may be scary but you and your children will not be left without a roof over your heads. Cut him out of the equation and get some advice about your current situation from Shelter (they're fantastic).

KellyHopter · 03/10/2013 22:02

And also are your children school aged? What do they think about being moved away?

spandangled · 03/10/2013 22:12

I don't agree with him not wanting to know how you are after surgery, that's shit, but:

My other half was and to some extent still is like this, he too works over 100 miles away.

Over the years we have both worked out that a)he is shit at keeping in touch and b) I overthink and so we both agreed to meet each other half way on the communication front.

The difference I think is that we have always been honest, bluntly so, and I trust him to the end of the earth.

What he had to realise was that relationships function on communication and that on a basic level, I would like to know at the least that he's alive. But I also had to realise that I had too much time on my hands to think, which meant I was worked up half the time, or bored or resentful that he wasn't here.

So I decided to fill that time and it was the best thing I did for us. It meant I wasn't allowing my irrational self to go around and around in circles wondering what he was up to, it means we have more to talk about when we are together and weirdly, he got a taste of his own medicine (unintentionally, but I was busy having a good time) and he realised he was being a twunt.

We don't have children and we aren't about to buy a house. But sometimes what goes on in your head is worse than is actually happening.

I'd really recommend waiting it out, give a bit of space, more importantly take some for yourself. Give your mind a rest, sleep on it and when you feel calm...broach the subject. Last thing anyone wants is an emotionally draining phone conversation at 11pm after a long day.

The one thing that made me feel I could do it, was that I have always trusted him. If you're having doubts because of distance/over tiredness/over active imagination that's one thing, but if you genuinely think he may be up to no good then you need to face why you think that. It won't go away no matter how near or far