Paranoid & insecure or justified?

[FlappyBrain]

Have NC for this.
DP & I have been together for 2 years. Been through some ups & downs but generally happy. Is the best relationship I've ever had in terms of fun, companionship & feeling loved. We have made long term plans, seriously talked marriage etc.
DP got a new job in another town approx 100 miles away last month & is living there during the week, coming home at weekends. My house sale is going through at the moment & am planning on moving up to live with DP with my DC in the next month or so.

The only problems we have had have related to DP's struggles with communication & his sulking, giving me the cold shoulder. Since he's started his new job we've had a few episodes of him sulking/withdrawing which he's blamed on being stressed over the new job.

This week he's been particularly distant although we found a house to move into & put a deposit down & he seems genuinely excited about this.
Yesterday I waited all day for him to get in touch & nothing. I text him to say I wasn't feeling good (had surgery last week). He replied 'oh dear' and thing else. After several hours I text him again asking if everything was ok, saying I felt he'd been disconnecting from me last few weeks which was making me nervous about the move. He read it (on iMessage so get read receipts) but no reply for 2 hours. I rang him, no reply. Eventually got a vile text message from him about 11pm saying he'd had a shit day at work & couldn't cope with the extra pressure I was putting on him. I replied apologising that it had come across as pressure & reminded him my life is pretty stressful too right now so it'd be nice if we could support each other, no reply.

Fast forward to today, I text him about an hour ago asking if we were chatting today. No response. According to iMessage it's been delivered but not read.

I should say, when things are good, we're in more or less constant contact so these silences are very very out of character.

I don't know what to do now. Leave him be? Ring him? I genuinely don't think I'm being demanding but maybe I am wrong. Prepared to listen to anyone who thinks I'm being high maintenance.

I know I won't sleep tonight if I don't hear from him & recovering from surgery I really could do with a good nights sleep tonight.

Apologies for the MASSIVE post.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well said Join

[CressidaMontgomery]

Join is spot on and awake is dishing out some poor submissive style advice.

This man is sending you a very clear message - whether he means to or not. And that message is that you're not important and he will always put his needs first.

If you go ahead with a house move and subject your children to this then.... We will see you back here in 6 months.

Do the right thing. You have been given a wonderful gift here... Hindsight before it is hindsight.

[FlappyBrain]

I am listening to you all ladies, really I am. I guess I'm in denial. Serious denial. I really thought our relationship was fantastic. I thought he was teaching me to be less self absorbed by not pandering to my need for reassurance.
I was so excited for our future. I was very very unhappy in my marriage & thought DP was my happy ending. I felt as though I gave him more than I'd ever given anyone & if I have to accept that this is the end then I don't know how I will cope.
I'm not sure I'm strong enough.

[awakemysoull]

I knew I was going to get jumped on for that - it's my opinion and giving you every possible angle.

I never once said you should follow my advice I always stated that it was my choices and doesn't necessarily mean that it's the best thing to do.

[DorisIsAPinkDragon]

I would say pull out of the house sale in the short term.

(not never just not now)

You need to be sure where this is going first.

You say you have a big event coming up, no doubt this 'sulk' will have you worrying about him and how he feels more than your event (is he supposed to be there too?)

He sulked on your holiday, can you think of any other big occasions he has marred either before or during with one of his 'sulks'. I just wondered if there was a pattern?

[Leavenheath]

I completely agre with Joinyourplayfellows. Some shocking advice on here.

As for at least he was being honest about his cheating that's such a strange bargain. If someone was honest about being violent, or a thief, or an addict- would that make it okay then? The OP's DP said he left his new wife and 6 month old baby because she wasn't fanciable enough and he was having an affair anyway. That might be 'honest' but it's a shame the OP didn't make a judgement about that. When someone tells you what they are, listen.

I'll never understand why any woman wants to be in a relationship with an emotionally stilted man who sulks and fails to communicate. If there is any pattern you might need to look out for OP, it is to see if you have a tendency to want to 'fix' men with problems together with a tendency to put relationships with men above everything and everyone else in your life.

Thinking that you were the woman who could reform a bloke who has left his last two serious relationships because the women concerned were not fanciable/sexual enough is such an odd thing to do. I can hear him now bleating to some other woman that you 'trapped' him into a pregnancy and then went off sex when you miscarried twice. Yet again, he's probably found a woman who thinks that honesty is appealing and means something good about him- and is telling him that she would never go off sex.

On another matter, what are the residence and contact issues around his child?

[tessa6]

I think texting is a terrible way for couples to mainly communicate and I think it feeds this sort of second guessing and emotional instability and need some people have for control.

Stop the texting and talk to each other. Be a voice and a person not some black letters on a screen with tone attached.

He sounds like he is not good at supporting you. That's a huge deal in and of itself.

Also he is working very far and becoming detached from you. Listen if you start to hear alarm bells in the distance.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Flappy

Join is spot on.

Denial is a powerful force but you need to see this for what this really is.

Your children do not need such a poor role model for a stepfather.
Even if this bloke knew what love is (which I very much doubt) he has a very poor relationship history. You will be treated exactly the same as they were and I am sure too they would put you straight as well.
This person as well only cares about his own self.

Never let yourself be taken to a second location; doing that puts you and by turn your children completely in his power then. You will be really up the creek without a paddle.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, surely not this frankly piss poor role model of one?.

[tessa6]

And already known to cheat...

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Flappy

This bloke was never your project to rescue and or save. I do wonder whether you have any rescuer and or saving tendencies because they need to be dragged right back now. You simply cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship; neither approach works.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Of course you will cope.
You've been through worse!
You have 2 lovely children to look after and you need to make sure they are your top priority. Not this 'bloke'!!
Call CAB and see what your options are.

[Madeleine10]

Do what you can this weekend flappy to talk to him. Keep some of the things that have been said on this thread at the back of your mind when and if you do manage to actual have a conversation - I think it might help you see certain things more clearly .

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, as they say, but don't assume anything yet.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Oh.. and don't text him back at all.
Just wait and see how long it takes him to communicate with you.
While he's away and stressed, you should be the first thing on his mind once he's had a chance to unwind.
He is 100 miles away from and he should be missing you and thinking about you.
I know if I'm away, when I get back to my hotel room the first thing I want to hear is my OH or my DD voice and a nice normal chat away from work and work problems. (and yes I do realise not everyone is like this) But just something to think about.
If you were away I bet the first thing you would to do after a hard is talk to him!!!

[Madeleine10]

I think texting is a terrible way for couples to mainly communicate and I think it feeds this sort of second guessing and emotional instability and need some people have for control.

Stop the texting and talk to each other. Be a voice and a person not some black letters on a screen with tone attached.

He sounds like he is not good at supporting you. That's a huge deal in and of itself.

Couldn't agree more with what tessa says.

[HopeClearwater]

OP, what you said about being 'the common denominator' and echoed by awakemysoull is truly shocking. You take the blame for someone else's poor behaviour? Why is that then? Are you so special that you can control another human being's responses to you? Haven't you considered that adults are responsible for their OWN behaviour? Is there anyone else who acts poorly because you are around? I doubt it.
The only person you can change or control is YOURSELF.
He's played a number on you here... he sulks because of your behaviour? Do you think he never sulked before? He wasn't 'teaching you to be less self-absorbed' by giving you the cold shoulder!! How is that a loving thing to do to someone?! Stop explaining away his bad behaviour.
And if you really are as bad at relationships as you say you are, OP (your words not mine) then why would you inflict yourself on this guy? See what I mean - looks different when you come at it from that way, doesn't it?
Put yourself and your children first. They've got no choice in this. You have. Find a nicer stepdad for them if you can't live without a man. Don't put them into a situation which is already going badly wrong.

[Leavenheath]

Yes but taking the blame for someone else's behaviour is all part of the same issue, where people think they can control whether someone else cheats or not. The he won't cheat on me, our relationship is better than that bargain is all about that, isn't it?

When people believe that trope, it follows that they think it was something about their predecessors' behaviour or the relationships with them that caused the cheating.

[AnyFucker]

What is wrong with claiming housing benefit ?

[FlappyBrain]

AnyFucker, there's nothing wrong with claiming HB. Nothing at all BUT-there are no private landlords around here that will accept a HB tenant. All the agencies I've spoken to today have practically laughed when I've explained my situation- single mum of 3, no deposit, on HB with a dog.

DP has a very amicable relationship with his exW strangely. They chat, are very friendly & he sees his daughter every other weekend. I often tell him how awful I find his cheating on her. I cannot conceive how he did it. But she has clearly forgiven him so it's not my battle to fight.

I've actually just spoken to him. He says he's coming home tonight. We'll see. I half expect a text in an hour or so to say he's changed his mind before he switches his phone off again.

I don't know what it will take for me to think he's not worth the effort. I really don't. I wish I was stronger.

[HopeClearwater]

You already know he's not worth the effort, because you've posted on here.
Your doubts are there for a reason.
What's that quote, is it from Alice Walker or someone... When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
He has shown you.

[CailinDana]

Flappy a relationship should be a true partnership of teammates who look out for each other and really enjoy each others' company. Even when there's tough stuff going on good partners are able to put their hand out and say Sorry things are bad,I'm still on your side. If ykur partner is making you worry and doubt then clearly there's something wrong.

You say he's taught you to be less self centred - could you explain what that means?

[FlappyBrain]

What I mean Cailin is that he has shown me the power of compromise in a relationship. I have never ever been able to compromise. In previous relationships, I've always been in charge - it's my way or no way & almost every partner I've ever had has complained of me being controlling & selfish. DP has never put up with this shit. If I have a temper tantrum & stamp my feet insisting we do something my way, he rarely (if ever) gives in. I undoubtedly have respected him more because of that.

[HopeClearwater]

Is that what happened in the marriage you've left? If it was all going your way, why did you leave?

[FlappyBrain]

Hope....my exH did give into me an awful lot. We had a 3rd baby because I desperately wanted a 3rd. He totally didn't.
I had PND badly and ExH just withdrew from me and I from him. Suspect he was having an affair with a woman he worked with who is now his GF. He now says he never liked me very much because I was so self centred

[HopeClearwater]

You don't to believe him!
You poor thing.

[Leavenheath]

So if your ex didn't want a third child, did he exercise his choice to use contraception to make sure he didn't become a father again?

Or are you saying that he made a choice to change his mind and have another child?