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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel like my marriage is breaking down :(

57 replies

flootshoot · 03/10/2013 10:43

Sorry. This is long, but I need to get it out.

I feel like I never see DH. He works 9-5ish with a 45min drive at either end. Recently lots of work related stuff has come up, conferences, overnight trips etc. I'm confident this is all kosher and not a cover for OW before anyone asks. We moved in the summer to be nearer his job so we'd see more of him but the reality just doesn't seem to have worked that way. His job has become more demanding in terms of after hours stuff, and he's refusing to give up his social commitments. We got back from a short break on Friday and since then he's been out sat afternoon (leaving me jetlagged and with two young DC, despite me saying several times I didn't want him to go), he was out all day Sunday at a sport thing and out last night too. He's out at a conference tonight, possibly staying overnight. He ropes in his mum to help me (she is lovely and doesn't mind), but he seems to think that's it covered when to my thinking that's just him taking the piss out of her as much as me.

Every time I bring it up, it's 'why are you bringing it up now?' Well because there's never a bloody good time, he's never here! I've been angry with him for days but I'm supposed to bottle it up and wait (until when? I don't even know when he's home). I'm so fed up. I'm miserable, lonely, I feel pointless. Today he bitched that I'm not working. I'm not working because I left my job to move house. I've got bank shifts lined up but they're nights. I can't find day work that fits in around DC, and weekend work is going to 'eat into family time.'

This morning I was in floods and he told me I needed to find a solution if I was unhappy. I've told him I'm unhappy because of him so he needs to take some responsibility for that. Poor DS was there too and told DH to 'just leave, daddy'. He's only four, I feel awful.

I'm sorry this is so long and rambling. I know there are far worse relationships and this will seem trivial to some. But I can't go on like this. Ive spent sinking thinking I'm being unreasonable and demanding I never stopped to think that maybe I'm in the right. I don't even know what I want anyone to say.

OP posts:

FrancescaBell · 03/10/2013 16:18

If you feel up to it and think it might help, could you have a go at answering those questions of mine?

FrancescaBell · 03/10/2013 16:21

I understand what you mean, by the way. You want to do things as a couple and as a complete family, yes?

Meerka · 03/10/2013 16:22

Bootshoot practice what you want to say. write it out if you have to, and read it through before you actually talk

keep calm, whatever. Keep in mind what you want out of this - which is him to willingly spend more time with you and son. Keep that end goal in sight

again, keep calm.

remember, what you are asking is very reasonable. stick to your guns

Keep calm and speak clearly. If possible, and this might depend on him more than you, don't let the talk finish until you've said all that you want to say

good luck!

Original poster

flootshoot · 03/10/2013 16:24

Yes exactly Francesca. What's the point of being part of a family if you never take part? He's taking the kids out on Sunday to give me a break but that's still me on my own again. And I know what he's actually doing is taking them to his mum's so he can go to football with his dad. Christ, I'm painting an awful picture.

I will have a proper go at those questions after DC in bed. I don't want to upset myself too much in front of them.

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Original poster

flootshoot · 03/10/2013 16:25

NB there's two DC, DS just started school and DD is not yet at preschool so slightly more complicated than the one DS I can just bugger off with!

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Original poster

flootshoot · 04/10/2013 08:51

Back again.

DH came home late last night so I saw him this morning. He was very quiet, didn't go for his run and spent a long time playing with the children while I showered and dressed. I've no idea what tonight will bring - we're having 'the talk', but he at least seemed to recognise what I needed from him this morning.

He has to want this too, though. I don't want to 'get my own way' with a man who resents it.

God I just feel so sad.

OP posts:

MsPickle · 04/10/2013 08:57

Good luck OP.

Hope you have a day which is busy enough to be a distraction until this evening.

cjel · 04/10/2013 08:58

Hope you get through today Floot, It sounds awful waiting to hear what he is going to say, at least you will know tonight. Stay strong and remember whatever comes out you still have your needs and don't compromise them for hisxxx

happygoluckyinOz · 04/10/2013 09:04

Sorry, just wanted to pick up on the point about him bitching about you not working.

Why do you have to sort work around the children? Shouldn't this be something you share? What's stopping you putting them in childcare during the day and you working a 9-5 job?

Original poster

flootshoot · 04/10/2013 09:04

I won't. I've gone over and over it in my head and you're all right. I've spent so long thinking that im the unreasonable, irrational one (and sometimes that's true!), that I never thought about how reasonable my needs are. I'm so low maintenance it's laughable, and that makes it all the harder when I'm upset and he offers 'stuff' rather than support.

Usually I'm all set for a fight (and then I end up apologising for flying off the handle even when it's for valid reasons) but I'm scarily calm. I think that's what's shaken him up, he can see I'm not angry anymore, but I'm still deadly serious.

OP posts:

Original poster

flootshoot · 04/10/2013 09:10

happy I should clarify that point.

A 9-5 job at the moment would just be a massive PITA. With school runs etc and the cost of childcare it's just not worth the hassle and that's something we're pretty much agreed on until DD is three in March and gets her free hours.

He didn't bitch as such, but he pointed out that he has to work hard because I'm not working. Which is bullshit because he's not paid by the hour - I think it's more that's he feeling the pressure of being the sole earner. In any case I have shift work lined up so that issue is sorted. Doing one night a week is far from ideal but it's the only thing that allows me to spend weekends with DS and not have to sort childcare.

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Fragglewump · 04/10/2013 09:17

Oh flootshoot I really feel for you. My exDh was similar and once we had kids I was an inconvenience who occasionally pissed him off by asking him to look after his own kids. He played golf, football, socialised after work etc. he was a selfish sod and eventually after years of having my self esteem eroded. I had told him for years that I was unhappy - we went to relate twice!! But he never listened. One night when I was at home with sick kids in a new country we had moved to for his work - I snapped. I tried to ring him and his phone was off. I had a large g and t and sang loudly to my favourite album. I cried because I finally knew what I had to do. The next morning I left him to sleep and got up with the kids and a cuppa. 2 hours later I told him I was leaving. He was shocked and said "you're mad you have a great life with me". I didn't! When we spoke later - I mentioned the 2 lots of relate courses and he said that his alarm bells had never gone off!?!?! It sounds good op in that your dp knows you need to talk but from my experience someone who acts as entitled as him may never 'get it' enough to be a great partner to you. But - take heart - someone else can and will. I now have a great dh!

happygoluckyinOz · 04/10/2013 09:19

Ok, sounds like you've got a plan on that front.

I just always wonder when I read that wives/girlfriends don't work because of childcare issues and it seems to put them in a place of being responsible for all the household drudgery and childcare to boot. Give me my full time job any day.

Original poster

flootshoot · 04/10/2013 09:21

fraggle thank you for sharing.

It's hard to come to terms with this. The thing is I fell guilty about asking him to change. why do I feel guilty??!

We do have a great life on paper. Nice house albeit rented for now, beautiful children, enough money to have days out etc. but it's not enough.

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Original poster

flootshoot · 04/10/2013 09:23

happy, yes it's certainly not down to him I'm not working. He does morning drop off for DS but the school is far away (we moved in July so late applicants), I do pick up and don't drive so that's the afternoon wiped out, plus there's DD to think off. Working in the day is just a massive hassle I CBA to tackle just now.

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Fragglewump · 04/10/2013 09:29

I think you feel guilty because he seems perfectly happy the way things are but you perhaps wanted a bit more for the family you have. I wanted exDh to want us - me and the kids - more than he did. To put us first rather than last. And being a sahm made it even more painful as at the time my family was the only thing that defined me - whereas it didn't seem to define him at all. In fact I felt he resented us a bit as he could have played more golf etc if he didn't have us. That's why I felt guilty - but ultimately I just don't think he understood how sad and empty he made me feel.

Original poster

flootshoot · 04/10/2013 10:19

fraggle you and I are definitely on the same page. I really hope that's what he's considering today.

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Fragglewump · 04/10/2013 10:41

Flootshoot if he is like my exdh I suspect he may be considering how to stop you moaning at him! After I dumped my ex he told me ' we could have stayed together if you had accepted that I need to work hard and play hard' wtf??? Bless him - he was and still is 'hard of understanding'. I am much happier without him. I suggest you spend as much time as you can today thinking about/writing down what you want from him/ your life and whether the two are mutually compatible! Good luck for your chat tonight!!!

Original poster

flootshoot · 04/10/2013 11:24

Thank you. I've just talked things over with my sister who had similar problems with her ex (although I'd say her situation was worse, there was drinking and abusive language involved) and I feel calm and collected.

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cjel · 04/10/2013 13:37

oh fraggle, I understand that 'wanting to stop me moaning' He even told ow how hard it had been for him living with my depressions!! never connected them to his bullying beating kicking etc etc. Poor HIM!!

hillyhilly · 04/10/2013 13:50

Good luck flootshoot, I second the advice to write it down, arriving calm and obviously prepared will shock him and make him take what you are saying all the more seriously.
I think he genuinely fails to see a problem, he probably considers himself successful as he is able to provide for you and the kids and to arrange help for you (his mum), he has completely forgotten that he is in a relationship with you rather than an employer of the person that sorts everything else out enabling him to work and do his hobbies while still having the appearance of a happy family life.

Original poster

flootshoot · 04/10/2013 14:08

I'm ok, thank you to everyone who's commented. Stupidly I just read the 'sad lines from books' in classics and ended up in floods. DD is asking if I'm alright!

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Fragglewump · 04/10/2013 17:26

Omg flootshoot do yourself a favour and steer clear of emotional hazards at the mo!!!! Have a cuppa and make your notes!

Original poster

flootshoot · 04/10/2013 18:08

I'm ok fraggle it's actually done me good as I'm all cried out now!

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Original poster

flootshoot · 05/10/2013 09:48

An update for you all. DH and I had a long heart to heart last night. I laid all my cards on the table and told him exactly how I've been feeling. He was shocked at his failure to realise on some occasions how pissed off I'd been at his behaviour. I said I shouldn't have to spell it out but we've jokingly agreed on a code word I can invoke when he crosses the line!

He told me how stressed he's been at work and we've agreed he does needs some time to wind down, but that needn't be away from me. We've agreed to spend regular nights 'screen free' and doing something together. I've agreed to learn to drive to make me less 'lost' when he's at work. He's agreed to accept it if I hate driving and don't want to keep it up.

He apologised profusely for the comment about me not working. He says he was angry and stressed and it wasn't intended to come out that way.

In short I feel like we've cleared the air and sorted pretty much everything. Thank you for all the advice, I am feeling much more positive today.

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