I think I need to have a difficult conversation with DH

[ThistleDown]

As the title suggests I think I need to have a difficult conversation with DH but I don't know where to begin. There is a back story here - 9 years ago when DS 3 was 4 weeks old DH went away for a fortnight with an organisation he is part of (as a hobby). When he came home he had a really bad case of 'mentionitis' about a woman that he met there. She was literally all he could talk about and the mentioning of her name started when he was away, he would phone home each evening. He told me they had slept in the same place (just the two of them) on at least two occassions. Once home he was texting her a lot but deleting the messages.

I should mention that while he was away I was diagnosed with PND and had no strength to deal with the situation as I probably should have. He was not happy at me being on AD's and actually said "Can I not go away without coming home to you on happy pills?!"

About a week after he came home I told him that I thought she was interested in him. He seemed horrified but I told him if he didn't put a stop to their communications I would. He said he was sorry, hadn't realised how it would appear, they were supporting each other, etc and that he would put a stop to it. A few weeks later I intercepted an email from her to him which was pretty innocuous but ended with her saying that she was sorry she hadn't met up with him at an event they were both supposed to be attending but she couldn't make it and that she missed him.

I hid the email and sat on it for a couple of days before replying. I said that her contacting him outwith their organisation was inappropriate and that any communication should be kept to official meetings. I can't remember what else I wrote as it was so long ago but I tried hard not to come across as a harridan!

I never said anything to DH and swept it under the carpet. Life has carried on since then and we now have 4 DS.

A lot of water has passed under the bridge but I have always kept my ear open for any mention of her. In the last 9 years he has never mentioned her but occassionally mentioned a 'someone' which I knew to be her. I also heard from friends who are also in the same organisation that this woman likes to go after married men and has a bit of a reputation for it.

Everything was fine until 3 weeks ago. DH went on a training thing for a week and once home let slip that she was there. She is now higher up than him but since his return home her name has been mentioned a few times and I feel really uncomfortable. He is due to go away again in two weeks for a weekend and has said she is running the event. I think he thinks I have forgotten about her or her name will mean nothing to me now.

I want to tell him how I feel but after 9 years am I going to appear unhinged? I have no proof that anything actually happened 9 years ago only an instinct but do I want to know after all this time? This is horrendous and I feel really tearful and don't know what to do. Do I let sleeping dogs lie or do I now, after almost a decade, ask DH if he had an affair?

His difficulty cancelling isn't your responsibility though. How I would play this is that it's his decision, but he needs to know the consequences to you and your marriage if he goes. Don't let this turn into you banning something and him holding that against you. But equally don't take on his difficulties and back down about the event and future contact.

I'm not sure you're quite there yet in acknowledging how fundamental and lifechanging this juncture is.

It is likely to involve him giving this thing up completely and it shouldn't be regarded as the sacred cow it seems to have been for so many years. A lot's been sacrificed for it.

I'm not going to lie to you about the possibility of friends covering up. I think often unless people have got actual proof, they put their heads in the sand a bit and convince themselves it's 'none of their business'. I've read threads on here where people think that way and I've seen people do that everywhere I've ever worked. Plus, this sounds like a hierarchical organisation and people often put their own interests first, not risking trouble if it involves people senior to them who could harm them.

Re, the tears, what about writing down on a piece of paper what you intend to say? Then if you've got a moment alone, rehearsing some of the more emotion-charged statements? That always works for me whether the emotion is anger, sadness, nerves, fear or whatever.

I have no idea what I'm doing. It feels like I'm waiting to drop a granade into our relationship. I don't want to have to be doing this! I keep trying to convince myself that nothing happened but then why do I have this strong feeling that something did?

My brain is mince :(

You've had 9 years to convince yourself that nothing happened.

You haven't managed to because you're not that stupid.

It's time to deal with this now.

You could view it as a grenade which has negative connotations or opening the shuttered windows and being able to see everything in proper perspective for the first time in 9 years. This is an opportunity as well as a threat.

It's far more healthy that you've got that strong feeling, than if you were able to live in denial.

Are you ok OP? How did the conversation go?

justanuther - "If it were me I'd be straight with him I keep no male friends so you can't have female friends. That way there are no issues."

No. Only that you are controlling.