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Original poster

Internet dating advice.

35 replies

reallyconfuseddotcom · 01/10/2013 21:54

Ok so finally found the guts to try internet dating after many years of being alone. Really surprised to have some interest. But what now??? Meeting someone seems so daunting, but that seems to be what's meant to happen instead of chatting for a while. Is this normal or am I just being a wuss?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 01/10/2013 21:58

When I did Internet dating, I ideally chatted to blokes for a week or two and then met up. Just go for drinks first, so if they aren't your type you don't have to sit through dinner with them.

Good luck, I met my husband on plenty of fish

Whatnext074 · 01/10/2013 21:59

My friend used online dating after her DH passed away. I'm sure you know all the 'rules' but meet in a public place and maybe have a friend in town in case the guy you meet isn't what you expect so you can meet up with your friend after. What she also did was have a friend phone her an hour into the date and she could make up an urgent excuse to have to leave if it wasn't going well.

I think you have some online chats before for as long as you feel comfortable and then meet up, don't think there's any timescale on how long to chat for, you need to feel ready to meet them and if you know a friend is close by then it will make you feel more at ease.

I wish you all the best, and just enjoy it.

Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom · 01/10/2013 22:02

Thanks both of you for the advice. I am using plenty of fish but only signed up Sunday and already people are asking to meet. As you said akiss I would rather chat for a little longer.

OP posts:
Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom · 01/10/2013 22:04

My friend and I signed up at the same time so thankfully we can use eachother as the urgent call.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 01/10/2013 22:07

IME it's better to meet up sooner rather than ater if you feel you have some rapport over texts / phone.

Nothing worse than building a guy up fr weeks and weeks, getting really excited. Only to find, when you do meet, that he's not what you hoped for. Such a waste of time!

I used to have two or three in development at any one time!

I am now happily settled into a relationship with a gorgeous, funny, kind, lovely man I met online. Good luck!

Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom · 01/10/2013 22:15

I'm so jealous, wish I could just jump to the relationship stage.

I do think your right bitout, but some of the blokes I've spoke to want to meet after a few messages. Another was upset because I didnt text after30 mins of messages.

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madasa · 02/10/2013 08:24

I met my DP 10 days after we 'met' online. We may have met sooner but we lived a couple of hours drive away from each other.

We spoke nearly every day on the phone before meeting. He sounded so lovely that I knew I had to meet him soon or I would build this huge fantasy in my head about how lovely he was and it might not be true.

However, he was as lovely in real life and we have been together over 6 years now :)

HairyGrotter · 02/10/2013 09:31

I met my fiancé after chatting online for 2 weeks. We exchanged only a few emails on the dating site, then we followed each other on Twitter and continued on there, then met and, well, the rest is history.

I had a few relationships that came from online dating, I learnt some lessons, but I think it's better to meet up sooner rather than later. Get stuck in, get your twat radar honed and enjoy :)

I'm so happy to have met DF, he's wonderful so they ARE out there! Go grab one

Meerka · 02/10/2013 09:37

move at your own pace, when you feel comfy.

Don't let yourself be pressured, set up safety precautions like someone said, and I'm sure it goes without saying that never, ever loan them money under any circumstances until you're married.

Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom · 02/10/2013 09:46

Thanks for your replies. I do agree with meeting quick otherwise as madasa said you can just build up a fantasy person. Only thing is I find it off putting if I've hardly spoken to some men and they want to meet. Maybe I need to be more selective when talking to someone.

I'm so happy you both have long term successful relationships as there is hope for me!

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Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom · 02/10/2013 09:50

Thanks meerka. They should be so lucky, I don't have enough money for me let along to give away! Wink

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SarahBumBarer · 02/10/2013 12:22

I agree that you should go at the pace you feel comfortable with and not be pressured. I don't however think that wanting to meet quickly is any kind of "red flag" per se so long as they take it well if you indicate that you prefer to chat a little while first particularly since you are new to OD. There are a lot of players on OD and I think that men are as entitled as women to ensure that the person they are speaking to is not just "playing" or using ID for a bit of online flirting whilst not actually intending to meet/date. I also totally agree that repport gained by chatting is no indication whatsoever of compatability in person so I am also a great believer in meeting fairly quickly and many people who have been OD for a while probably have realised that too.

Met DH online on 31 December (yep - saddo!) - first date on Jan 5tth (drinks from 9pm so not too long to put up with each other if a disaster - clearly it wasn't Grin )

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2013 16:19

We can't remember what date we met online because the site deletes it after a certain time. If I'd known I would've done a screen grab.

I didn't have especially high hopes of him tbh. But when we met he made me laugh till I cried which was my top criteria.

We had to wait a couple of weeks for the second date as I went on holiday. But in between we talked and messaged a lot.

Take the time YOU need op. I agree asking for a date after a couple of messages is a bit much. But equally don't drag it out.

Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom · 02/10/2013 18:18

Thanks everyone, I am feel slightly better about it now. It's also really good to hear it's worked for people. Also getting better at working out that some peole want different things and most people state that when you first start talking to them (ie fu*k buddy, was how one person put it).

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BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2013 18:25

Depressingly, it's a numbers game. I met loads of duds, a couple if guys that I had lots of fun with, but that were never going to be the real deal, a couple of friends, and the nicest man in the world!

Just try not to sweat it all too much. Stay relaxed and enjoy the ride!

ParsleyTheLioness · 02/10/2013 18:28

What others have said. Also, I 'edited' quite hard at the messaging stage. Some were plainly only after the sex. Others were inconsistent in things they said. A couple made dates, then messed around with arrangements. Some of them gave obvious or semi-obvious clues that they were already in some kind of live-in relationship. Out of about 600 who messaged me over a few months of OD (sometimes I stopped for a bit, cos it could get a bit disheartening. The Muppets are obviously missing a few of their cast) I met one person. Three months going out together and counting... Smile

EllaFitzgerald · 02/10/2013 22:05

I met my DH on line too, so I'm convinced it can work.

The only thing I'd suggest is that you take everything with a pinch of salt. If they tell you that they're looking for a relationship, then lovely, but don't take it as gospel until they've proved it. There are some lovely, honest, decent people out there. Unfortunately, there are also an awful lot of lying, cheating slime balls.

Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom · 02/10/2013 23:33

Thanks for more replies. I have been ignored by a few just by saying we may meet but see how it goes. Like you said Ella I am just taking it with a pinch of salt. I have started chatting with some other blokes who seem a little more serious, but we will see. I think most people on there, including me find it difficult to know exactly what they really want.

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gingermop · 03/10/2013 08:04

I met my dp on plenty of fish, met after 3 weeks of chatting, almost 3 years on we are living together and very happy.
my brother met his now wife on match.com, met up after chatting 2 weeks.
dont rush into meeting, they'll wait if there worth it.
gd luck Smile

queenbitchapparently · 03/10/2013 08:45

My rules for online dating.
Only respond to full messages, I never responded to any mass messages or "hi" messages.
If they can't take the time to read my profile and actually make an interesting message, it doesn't say much for them in the long term.
Don't go to anyones home for a first date and be prepared for them to be shitty and tell you how paranoid you are and try to convince you they are not rapists.
Never reply to a first message with sexual content in it (unless that's what you are looking for) they invariably don't really go anywhere from there.
Don't meet until you are comfortable to do so, don't be rushed.
If you cannot have a coherent and interesting conversation on line, it is unlikely you will spark in rl.
I am getting married to my online man next year, met on plenty of fish.

queenbitchapparently · 03/10/2013 08:47

Online dating is a pretty unforgiving place so don't take anything personally.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 03/10/2013 08:56

Statistically, the results aren't great. Yes, you may meet a few people who might not meet in real life but of course there are no guarantees you will meet someone special. Undoubtedly there is a huge difference between geographic areas due to sheer volume.

Practically everyone I know who has been single in the last 5 years has tried POF, Match and EHarmony. I know of many very attractive, intelligent people who have had a few dates but nothing beyond. I know many people who have had a couple of very short-term relationships out of it. I only know of one wedding and one couple who are still together after 3 months.

It is also undoubtedly true that there are so many players and knobheads using these sites that the decent guys tend to get overlooked, get discouraged by lack of responses, and give up before most women give them a chance.

Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom · 03/10/2013 19:09

Hi all. I am using plenty of fish, I did try another one but it wasn't as good. I have started to take my time and not take it seriously, I am enjoying it more now after hearing the reassuring comments I'm not beong too cautious and should take my time.

Statistically it may not look good, but I have heard loads of positive stories so at least I can hope.

Thanks everyone for the advice and fingers crossed for me please.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 03/10/2013 20:02

Everything crossed for you Really.

I met my lovely DP on POF. It seems to have a high level of traffic

I agree with the poster that said about the "hi" opening gambits. Or even worse "Hi babe" Also the messages that were clearly just C&Ped

Aother tip - put up a photo that invites a comment or makes it easy for someone to say something light and airy. I had a pic of myself eating something unusual and the man who became my DP is the only one who guessed what it was!

Stepawayfromthezebras · 03/10/2013 20:49

I met my DP online, he was the first (and only!) online person I went on a date with, but I think that's because I'm a fussy cah and there weren't that many ginger jokers between 32 and 35, with a cat, a VGSOH, a cheeky smile and a good grasp of punctuation within 5 miles of my house who liked the same music as me at that time.

We messaged each other for a month before meeting up. And when we did, I knew Smile We've been together 4 years now and every time I think of him it just makes me smile