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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Parentless parent- help me find some positives

43 replies

Slutbucket · 01/10/2013 20:44

I am married with three lovely children under five and they are gorgeous. I also have a lovely husband who is an absolute rock. Hardworking, loyal, good father to our children. My parents have both died and I was close to them, a close relative of my husband has recently died and was like a grandma that we never had. My husbanded estranged from his parents. Both narcissitc arseholes and have hurt us so badly. I'm just finding weekends and holidays very difficult. All our friends seem to be spending time with their families and I feel like billy no family!! Christmas will be just the five of us as everybody spends time with their own family. I 'm not yet forty and i feel so alone.

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MrsDavidBowie · 01/10/2013 20:54

I'm a bit like you..."orphaned at 40" .
Dh's parents are not nice people (mil now dead, and he sees his dad once or twice a year...we never go)

So our Christmasses have just been the 4 of us..and I love it.
We meet with friends for drinks on Xmas day, then back for a late lunch about 3-4.
It's a nice tradition to start. When the children were small we would go for a walk in the morning too.

We have never done much en famille at weekends or holidays.....dh plays a lot of sport, and I like my own space and to do my own thing. We are very different from most of our friends, who see family regularly, but tbh I like what we do.
We never have people to stay, and never visit anyone...but that suits us.
However we do go out a lot socially with friends.

Original poster
Slutbucket · 01/10/2013 20:58

I think I am comparing myself too much to other people's family. Just feel that everyone has more support than is.

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Original poster
Slutbucket · 01/10/2013 20:59

Us not is!!! Bloody I phone!

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HessianWeave · 01/10/2013 21:01

I don't have children of my own, both parents died before I was 40 too. I'm divorced and I feel incredibly lonely, kind of all alone in the world and as Mrs Bowie puts it, I do feel like an orphan. Christms is very challenging for me.
I think its lovely that you're such a close family, the five of you together. I would bet that many people with bigger famiilies than yours are a bit envious that you dont have to 'put up with' a large family group.

MrsDavidBowie · 01/10/2013 21:05

Oh I used to be insanely jealous of other friends when the children were small, because it was such bloody hard work.
But it does get easier, and you just have to accept that things won't change, and maximise what you do have.

We have never had family to babysit...so friends would do it ..and I would reciprocate.
Once the youngest got to about 4, we'd get a local teenager (whose mum we knew) and paid her.
Now they are teenagers and we can just go out!!!

On another level....much as I missed my dad when he died (not my mum so much), I am glad that I don't know have to worry about an elderly parent. My friends are just coming into that.

Original poster
Slutbucket · 01/10/2013 21:06

Thank you hessian weave. Think it's instilled in you christmas is for families. It's a bit rubbish if you are on your own. I am lucky to have my little ones and I know others would love to have what I have. Just feel sad they have no grandma figure to take them under her wing.

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Original poster
Slutbucket · 01/10/2013 21:09

Mrs Bowie yes I see your point I've done all my worrying when I was younger. Some days I can't stand being with people with the big supportive family. I am green with envy.

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cestlavielife · 01/10/2013 21:11

Adopt a granny ? Seriously there are schemes
ask in your local community, get to know people locally.

MrsDavidBowie · 01/10/2013 21:13

And remember, all the images of the "perfect family gathering at Christmas" in the magazines is a load of bull.
Just read the threads on here!!!!

I always feel a bit smug that we have no angst about who to spend the holiday with...I love waking up in my own bed!

Original poster
Slutbucket · 01/10/2013 21:14

I have thought about this and I have a h

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Original poster
Slutbucket · 01/10/2013 21:16

Older homestart volunteer who helps me and I love spending time with her. She has just bought a caravan and moving to the coast. So feel a bit back to square one!

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Original poster
Slutbucket · 01/10/2013 21:17

So sorry very tired tonight and on my I phone

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Original poster
Slutbucket · 01/10/2013 21:17

And keep pressing post to early!

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Original poster
Slutbucket · 01/10/2013 21:18

Mrs Bowie you are talking a lot if sense!

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Original poster
Slutbucket · 01/10/2013 21:19

Of not if!!! I bloody give up!!! Ha!

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HessianWeave · 01/10/2013 21:22

I've just written a long reply and lost it.bollocks.
If I'd had children I know I would have missed my mum so much more even than I do now for the reason you pointed out, grandmas can be such great support , .and it cant help that your MIL isnt someone you can turn to.

Original poster
Slutbucket · 01/10/2013 21:26

I did have a gmil but she died and I feel bereft. I looked after her in her last few months and we became very close and now she's gone. Mother in law cannot be turned too as she is very weird and not in a good way!

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HoleyCow · 01/10/2013 21:26

Another pre 40 orphan here. Yes, it's crap and when my mum died I really thought my world would end. I only have 1 dd, but I also have a wonderful DH and we make a tight little unit. Christmas is for families - and you have your own little family. It does work for me - maybe you need some time - your dc are all very young - as they get older you will be so busy with them. 5 already sounds like a splendid number. Look in to your own family, it sounds like a family that lots of us would envy Thanks.

Original poster
Slutbucket · 01/10/2013 21:28

Thanks holey think you are right. It's accepting the situation isn't it?

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HoleyCow · 01/10/2013 21:32

Be very kind to yourself! Accept how you feel and don't be too down on yourself. I still have sad days but I really do try to count my blessings. I also know people who have really crap family lives. We're only hurting because we loved our parents so much - that's pretty bloody marvellous if you ask me.

HoleyCow · 01/10/2013 21:35

Sorry, you've opened a bit of a floodgate here! Society is great at idealising family life - ignore it, it's mostly media hype. The best tribute any of us can pay our parents is to give our children the same happy family we had as children. Concentrate on your family - they really are all that matters!

Original poster
Slutbucket · 01/10/2013 21:38

My husband said something like that. When I lost my dad I told him some of the memories I had of him just being a great dad. He told me he would not have any memories like that. I think that's sad:-(

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Original poster
Slutbucket · 01/10/2013 21:41

He's bit sad about it though he's too busy being a great dad. It is me who does all the worrying and sadness. ;-)

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HoleyCow · 01/10/2013 21:54

Yes, it's always us with the angst and the worry. You won't stop worrying but just temper it with happiness about all the good things in your life.

PowerPants · 01/10/2013 21:57

Another orphaned at 39! Ditto DH (and they were a right narcissistic bunch too). Holey - thank you, I needed to hear that. This is my least favourite time of year, the build up to Christmas, as my mum loved Christmas. We tend to hole up, just the four of us and open presents and watch films all day.

I get very teary when i think of how my mum and dad would've been as grandparents Sad. But I suppose it is easy to idealise....

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